Imagine That

 Things have been relatively calm for the past two weeks or so. At first there were a couple of small incidents which I can’t completely recall offhand but I let them slide by to keep the peace. There’s also been two incidents where my husband has been unusually reasonable. I’ve learned over time to find that suspicious. He started another love bombing phase though it’s not as extravagant as he used to be. But he’s been fairly nice and in some instances as I said too reasonable. In one incident he made a joke about cheating -something he does frequently and I’ve told him that I don’t find the jokes funny. In this particular instance in an even tone I told him that I don’t find jokes about cheating funny and that I would like it if he would not make such jokes. He responded that he agreed and he didn’t know why he made those kind of jokes and he would try to do it less. This isn’t the type of sentiment that I’ve ever seen him really support with his actions so the words seemed fashioned to manipulate me. He’s also struggling with erectile dysfunction. Unbeknownst to me it appears this has been going on for a long time. He has various sex toys in his room including a very strange electrical stimulation system with cock rings and he also has a variety of ED pills. And yet at this point he’s unable to ejaculate and struggles maintaining an erection. But like any narcissist he is very ego driven so I’ve been put in a position of having to fake orgasms again. Trying to direct things in a way that will satisfy me sexually only offends his sense of ego. And offending his ego leads to anger and/or verbal abuse so in my own interest of safety this is what I’ve had to do. I have asked him again in a reasonable tone if he experienced the same difficulties with his most recent skank partner. Instead of getting angry at me bringing up the subject of his cheating which again is also unusual he responded in a reasonable manner of discussion stating that the problem is ongoing. I’ve asked the questions in order to see if there’s a way to help him improve his sexual satisfaction. Although I’m not sexually attracted  it’s imperative at this time that I maintain a semblance of control in order to keep life stable. Unfortunately I also stepped back to observe myself. I found myself somewhat concerned actually very concerned that I might be getting sucked back in by the narcissist. By what is not real. By being manipulated by him. And I don’t wanna fall down that rabbit hole again. That rabbit hole is filled with pain for me and dishonesty cheating and manipulation by him. So this morning I asked him how many there were. I also told him I received a strange friend request. He didn’t ask what that friend request was or I would’ve told him it was from Amanda- someone who said he was pursuing her just recently. The reason he didn’t ask is because he became immediately angry at facing any truth that involves responsibility for horrible behavior. He said he wasn’t gonna go back over the last three years and happy fucking morning. Which tells me a lot. There have been many women and it’s been over the years. It also did what I needed it to do which was to put me in check and remind me of who he really is. Who he is in the mirror and the lack of integrity that he has as a person and as a husband. I’m hoping to still maintain the peace and certainly won’t be mentioning this in immediate future but I’m glad that I did even if it ruffled the peace because I needed it. I needed it for my mindset. I need it for my mental health and determination. Imagine he’s gotten away with what he’s done to our marriage. But it’s just that - his imagination

Strange

 My last post was from a couple weeks ago. To control the situation I adopted a let’s pretend it didn’t happen attitude. This has worked well but I can see him on the edge of narcissistic collapse already. He’s so addicted to porn. And he’s starting to show a lack of self esteem manifesting in attacks and his very own pity parties. The one incident that has been difficult for me is him getting snarky with me. I was telling him a story. My son was there and he used that subtle insult attitude and tone to question me in a suspicious way about why I would be texting a female friend from years ago that I just found. And when I got snarky back with him saying at least I wasn’t going on a date with a man from highschool like he did with a woman and my son reprimanded me saying I was being passive aggressive. that aggravates me because it’s like he can say whatever he wants but they want me to just lay down and take it to keep the peace and I don’t wanna be that doormat anymore. Typically when my son is around since he’s the golden child my husband will hang out a bit but lately even with my sons around he’s in his room. he comes home from work goes straight to his room. Comes out to get food goes back to his room and he stays in his room constantly. It’s actually really weird and I don’t understand how anyone can spend their entire life in their room -this has been going on for almost 2 weeks. Then today he went to work but he ended up coming home without getting all the way there because he was sick. I already had appointments scheduled with a doctor and a little bit of shopping to do so I went into his room in the morning he said he didn’t need anything so I let him be to rest.  Before I left I went back in and he was asleep so I left him alone to rest and went into the doctor. Not long after that I started getting calls. I didn’t get them till after I got out of the doctors exam room but they were along the lines of “why won’t you answer” “ the fact that you’re gone without anyone makes me wonder” which of course is an implication that he wonders if I’m doing something I’m not supposed to do but that’s only based upon his own actions since I’m not the one that cheats.  Then when I do get home I’m again like can I do anything for you can I get you anything and he just complains that no one’s over there to take care of him. Just why I went to the doctor and I said my hip and was met with blank silence he never even asked another single question not even about how it went and he claims he’s not being taken care of. Either way there’s something seriously wrong with him and he’s unable to hold on to normalcy for very long. It’s a strange life for me but somehow it’s even stranger for him

But

 Things have been calm and well for a couple weeks. Of course no responsibility or resolution has been taken by my husband to address his actions but I knew that would be the case and have chosen to let it be. One for peace in the house. And two as an acceptance of knowing he won’t and that’s not on me so I adjust my behavior only. Thanksgiving went well. He’s still talking to women and addicted to perverse porn but again I remain silent. The only action I have taken is in blocking some of the more disturbing porn from our WiFi. All of this came to a screeching aggressive halt last night though. I was home alone when he got home from work. I said hi and got the mumbled hi with the back turned in the tone that is a warning. He asked if I was cooking and I responded lightly and pleasantly and then cooked dinner for him while he went to his room. He came out a bit later complaining about his tv not working. Back to his room. Came out again this time close but not quite yelling about how sick of this shit he is and going on about his tv. I offered his dinner super pleasantly saying get it while it’s hot. He was in my room doing something with my tv,  He came out still ranting about the tv and took the plate to his room. I stayed quietly in the living room. He came out again and was saying his tv wouldn’t work. With the most sympathetic tone I said “I can see how frustrating that can be for you”. He responded that I don’t know shit, don’t know a fucking thing and just sit on my ass and he’s fucking sick of it. It went on fading as he went to get our sons tv from downstairs. He took that to his room. Then he came back out to get my tv and my firestick. I told him he shouldn’t take both - he could take my smart TV and have channels and I’d take my sons with the fire stick since it’s not a smart TV. I started to say “ or you could be a normal person and sit”...that’s as far as I got and he didn’t hear any of it anyways. I was going to finish “sit with me in the living room and watch tv” but at this point he launched into uncontrolled rage. He got vicious calling me a fng bitch, and lazy, and he’s sick of it, and how it’s his because he’s the motherfucker that pays for it all. I wasn’t responding but suddenly he came at me screaming fuck you, pointing at me and then thrust his face into mine so close he actually hit nose to nose. Not real hard but intimidating and frightening. I only said wow as I retreated quickly to the far end of the living room. I actually videoed this . I’m scared of his violence and a restraining order for my safety is something I see. He went back to his room and it calmed - temporarily. I went and knocked and asked nicely for my fire stick. He responded ok and I made the mistake of thinking the storm passed. I got the stick.  He said something insultingly about “glad you’re so perfect” but I left that without comment. The next few minutes are a bit hazy. I know I said something to my husband about him throwing away the last couple weeks for rage over a tv. He admitted being pissed and said I should have left him alone- but he’s the one that kept coming out of his room, My tenant called because his WiFi was down - because my husband kept shutting everything off. I told him my husband was having a meltdown. He texted if I needed to get away a moment I was always welcome. I was in my room texting him back thank you when my husband walked in. He asked who I was texting I told him and he said I was lying and probably texting a boyfriend. I showed him the text and he told me I should go fuck the guy (who has his wife and baby out there with him). I wasn’t recording him but he thought I was so he went on about how nobody gives a fuck and no judge gives a fuck that I’ll still get half of everything. I asked him about my sons tv at which point he got aggressive again coming after me screaming that I am a cunt. I told him I would call the police if he touched me again or threatened me. He came at me telling me go ahead thrusting his face at me and without speaking I rapidly retreated back to the living room. He followed calling me a cunt so I ran to my room and locked the door. By this time I was scared of him and upset. My daughter walked in having just got home. Part of me wishes I had been able to pretend nothing was happening for her sake but I was scared. I burst into tears and my daughter hugged me and asked what was wrong. I told her I had never been so scared of him. He came out from down the hall and started saying it was busllshit and I was faking. My daughter told him he was a psychopath and to just go away. He accused her and me of hating him for the way he treats me. Both of us tried to tell him it wasn’t about me - I’ve actually told her to try to be nicer to him and that how he treats me should be separate from her. Fact is he’s treated her the same way at times and that’s why she isn’t close with him. He also said he was sorry but she told him that didn’t mean anything because he would do it again. But he yelled over her as she said she was trying to talk to him. Then he switched completely and started crying saying he didn’t deserve all this and played victim and headed back to his room. I told her I was sorry she came home to this. At some point before I made it to her room he trapped me in the kitchen. Saying he was sorry. Trying to force me into looking at him. On his knees begging. Some of the dirty laundry came up which was my negative contribution as I told him it didn’t mean anything because he would abuse again, he would cheat again, how he’d stuck his dick in another woman. He said no he wouldn’t ever again. And he didn’t want to end how we’d been getting along so well. I told him he ended the whole marriage. It went on for a bit but my daughter came out and told him to let me go (he was holding me by the arms). She said we were both mad and talking wasn’t going to work and we should separate. I said she’s right.  I had asked my daughter earlier if I could watch tv in her room and went there. He said yeah then we could talk about him to each other. Not true and we went to her room and didn’t speak one word about him or the situation. He knocked and said sorry and I merely said it’s fine. Watched a movie. And still never spoke of him or the entire incident. For this part I was proud. Not proud she walked in on it but that I left her out of the rest and kept my mouth shut about it. Didn’t talk bad about him or about any of it. When the movie was over I said good night and went to bed. In the morning before leaving for work he came in my room. Said goodbye and kissed my cheek. I said “sorry have a good day”. He said “sorry about last night but you always involve the kids you’re vindictive and” well I didn’t hear the rest. I just pulled the covers up. I didn’t say anything either. I have a couple thoughts. One being if he hadn’t gone into a blackout rage in the first place there wouldn’t have been anything to walk in on. 2nd initially I didn’t tell her anything other than that I was scared and I didn’t involve her. He wasn’t sorry any more.And last every apology comes with a but.

For Research Purposes

 Before I get to my research studies Ill first mention another interesting narcissistic response proving yet again the imbalance and lack of any empathy my "husband" has. Two nights ago I met a friend for drinks. I havent seen her in 2 years, My daughter went - not only to get her out of the house but so she could dress nice and drive if I wanted a drink. It was a bit of a last minute plan and my husband had a dental appointment though she's not his friend so that's irrelevant. We left at 6. Later I received 5 texts in a row:

"where are you at" Is our daughter with you" "??" "When do you think you'll be home and why are you not answering" "guess you're pretty busy with "Adriana" (in quotes) too busy to text me I guess".

Madness I tell you. I texted back a picture of my friend at which point he said have fun. We left at 945 and got home before 10:30. He came out of his room kind of wandering around. We told him we had fun. Then he says "well you could have told me you were going out then I could have planned to go out". As if he hasn't gone out dozens of times without me. Fuck he dates and fucks other women! I looked at him and snapped you've gone out plenty of times with other women without me so I don't see the big deal". Since he's unsure of what he wants he decided this one time not to push the issue.

So for research I continued a bit with the fake texting. I asked him for pics which he obliged. I then responded asking if he was really 50 like his profile said but that I didn't mind 60 because I liked older men. "53 not fkn 60"  was his response -That caused narcissist injury! Well deserved. The next research process was I told him I wanted to have a brief discussion. As usual he rolled his eyes and said Oh God. Nothing emotive is ever allowed to be brought up - because his self esteem is non existent inside where it counts. So I told him it was nothing bad not and just that I wanted him to know that I had made a conscious choice to be okay with his porn use and that I understood that he was fully entitled to do and be what he wants. I added that I had never really had an issue with porn - it was just sometimes the amount and type that gave me pause - that child and teen porn is risky behavior legally (so I left any moral implication out of it). I told him I usually try his door handle before knocking and the other night I knocked first and that in future I would try to remember to be consistent about knocking. He did not need to announce hey I'm looking at porn - but there was no need to pretend it was something else either. That it was all good. Then I hugged and said see, not so bad and left the room. He looked lost.

And my final little bit was on the way home from the store I mentioned I was curious about something.I said well so you told me you love this other woman(skank) and that you planned a future. If you were moving in with her I just wondered what that looked like to you? I mean you love your privacy and your room (didn't say it but you hiding place and your porn). He got a little pissy but how much could he get - I was being very very pleasant in manner tone and words. His response was I dont know where the fuck you get this from I never said I was moving in with her. Well not sure what a future means to him then, And I responded well oh I must have just go that wrong but I was just curious then on how you see you living? I mean you pretty much kicked me out of your room this morning. And your entitled to want you privacy. (side note we had sex last night and I slept in his room - he never comes to my room however). He ignored me with no reply and a couple minute went by. Then I smiled met his eyes and touch his shoulder gently and said "we should note you never answered my question though". He replied "so I'm not gonna give you a 5 year fucking plan'". Im not asking for that I told him - I just was curious as to your vision. "I don't fucking know" he said. So i ended by saying okay thats fince you are entitled to feel that - there is not right or wrong answer to the way you feel. I just wanted to ask and there's no pressure for it to be anything but how you feel".

But of course there is. Eventually a woman wants commitment. I cant even get that from a man I married 23 years ago. There are reasons I am hanging on for hopefully what will be just a few more months - no more than a year. We're home and as par for the course he went to his room to watch a movie. I live alone already - I have no reason to think I cant adjust I will just be without the drama - drama he said he didnt want but starts himself daily. He said his one thing he wanted was no drama - but the other days when his firestick wouldn't work he had a meltdown of hate. I texted him after and told him "glad you got it working. Im glad to help if I can anytime but without the drama plz". Not that he ever acknowledges he starts drama. He just came out - really just to see what I was doing. I added a little Baileys to my coffee on this cold day and he's like drinking huh? Why not I said? I live alone. He scoffed at me - live alone huh? And I said well pretty much - I just mean I spend a lot of time out here while everyones in their room. So off he went back to his room thankfully. Buzz off fuckface - I'm done researching what a POS you are for today.

Fantasy Island

 One other interesting thought process I had recently. So my husband believed he was in love with his recent side supply. He’s already been trying to find a new supply so that’s a thing . If I wasn’t blocked I’d send her proof so she could be "saved" as he may eventually give her a try again. Anyways he made plans with her - made her believe they had a future - translate live together - what other future is there?. And I wonder how he envisioned that life? We live on 40 acres and he has a shop and dirt bikes which would all be gone. He has his own room where he hides what he does and what he has and who he is. I could be wrong but she was somewhat religious so I find it somewhat doubtful she knew or was into the volume and type of porn he’s addicted to if any at all. So he believed he could give all that up and sleep in the same room in an apartment with his only escape work? He’s over estimating his ability to let go of his true nature. And yet with self delusion believed he would have a future with her? Part of me wishes he had left..he didn’t because he can’t give this up even though he doesn’t recognize what “this” is in detail. He s codependent as well. Maybe he would manipulate her into taking care of every detail of his life other than actual work. Hmm. Well he’s gonna find out if this fantasy of his is possible but on my terms.

Let the Games Begin

 So in an effort to turn the situation around and maintain a peaceful home until exit I’ve taken several steps. One is to no longer be a narcissist supply to my husband. This is achieved by being kind and providing no negative reactions to his behavioral deficits. He is on porn every single day. He did at least quit hankering for anorexic porn - that was gross and generated by both his anorexic appearance and the anorexic appearance of his skank. Of course now it’s teen porn and with a teen girl in the house this is abhorrent. But I digress...I’m making a conscious choice to accept the porn and not be affected at least outwardly. Two nights ago I knocked on his door in the evening and received an impatient rude “what”. The door was locked . I said “oops sorry I didn’t realize you were busy” and I went back to the living room. Moments later he opened the door and asked what I wanted. “ I said oh I was just gonna give you your fire stick back- sorry I interrupted”. He replied that he was just watching a movie . I chuckled and told him I know you were looking at porn - it’s I big deal it’s fine. I didn’t mean to interrupt “ . He got somewhat enraged and denied it - but I have proof. Not that I would let him know that but I just smiled and said you know it’s fine. That made him go back in his room slamming the door violently. The next method has been sex. I can’t say I’m proud of it but we’ve been very sexually active. I am so far able to successfully compartmentalise this. He hasn’t seen or his other female supply since the beginning of October. He talked to her October 14th demonstrating the break up lie. I know he didn’t message her after that as I got a peek at that. But I thought he was in love with her? Laughable really. I also got a peek at his texting app he uses for secret texts. So I downloaded the app. I started messaging him with a fake profile and a way of speaking nothing like me and set the bait on the hook. Within a few texts he took the bait. No fool like an old fool. We had sex last night. I slept in his bed. He essentially told me to get out at 5am so he could “watch tv”. He came out for awhile ranting about how my daughter and I (yes and not or) “moved his fucking flip flops and they’re always in the same fucking spot and he doesn’t know why we have to move his fucking shoes”. This went on several minutes. A bit later I went out looked and a quarter inch behind his work boots I found the flops. I took them to him and said “hey I found your flops right behind your work boots . You shoved them under the bench with your boots when you took them off.”. Then with a sashay sort of pleasantness said “so here ya go”. You know I didn’t get an apology from him - he’s too far gone now for that - his narcissism has evolve into being a psychopath. Which circles back to the texting as shortly after I received a text to my fake profile. He sent pictures. One head shot that’s his standard go to. And his new standard body shot that shows that he doesn’t have a gut. It also shows that’s he’s a skinny minny but in his delusions he thinks bony anorexic is attractive somehow. So once a cheater always a cheater. He really should become a case study. I do want to call him out but that would injure the narcissist and he is just too scary now - I choose to live.

Wowza Crazy in da House

 Aww he just got home and without further ado launched straight into verbal abuse. How original... not. Apparently still upset with his other supply not working out he is in a temper. Went straight to his room. Asked him how his day went - pleasantly of course- only to get an irate diatribe about creating some account on his firestick. I don’t know anything about those so not any help but he went on about our yahoo password. That’s used for all our payment accounts so not sure why it applies to some porn access he’s trying to create but I successfully grey rocked him and am feeling quite chill about the whole situation even though he is literally ranting aggressively about it. Why do I feel amused right now? I went to his room and asked if I could get him anything and he said “like fuck you you don’t do anything I carry everything “ blah blah. I was amazingly kind the whole time. While he ranted that I do nothing but sit on my ass and why don’t I help and get a job and if I was making $30,000 a year it would help. Unfortunately he is so obtuse- I don’t have a degree nor am I skilled - I am not going to make 30k a year - I don’t even understand Microsoft office which is pretty standard for any job above retail. And I was a manager - made a whopping 13k last year at that lol. I’m gonna need a LOT of education to get to 40k! The whole time I asked why he was so upset and what I could do to help and he was like”I’m sick of it. I’m sick of my life. I hate everything about my life”. He continued his derogatory hate for 10 minutes or so.I’d say his girlfriend got his panties in a real uproar!!. Hmm well I’ve taken care of the household for 15 years now. And frankly the job I had back in the day HE got me fired from for calling too much. I’m sure there’s more going on than meets the eye and I was Miss calm, supportive and kind no matter what he threw out so his supply is dry- so frustrating for him! Even when he stated he hated his job and was sick of it I told him feel free to change it - that I always supported him even when he was self employed (facts) and would if he wanted a change. Honestly I think he’s checked into alimony and wants me to work because he’s afraid to pay it- but he’s delusional about my unskilled earning potential in addition to the effect it would have on our college family contribution amount with 2 boys in college- at my pay almost all of it would go to taxes and college. Whatever - he’s obvious as fuck and it’s recorded! The amount of crazy coming out of him even in the face of my unrelenting kindness is amazing. I pity the man that will never be happy. I know he’s upset as well because the mortgage payment wiped out our account- as I tried to tell him the scheduled mortgage payment doesn’t know he missed work last week and had a short check. He’s so mad - my view is hey we may be cash poor this week but we are guaranteed to live in our house another month and for me that’s a 1000% positive. And my outlook is healthy and right. Looks like another night alone in my room 

Zero Integrity Hate Factor

 I’ve always hesitated when it came to using the word hate. I’m not a hateful person and obviously am forgiving. Perhaps this is part of my problem and why this has gone on so long. I hope his next supply is less forgiving. But at this moment I hate him. He’s disgusting without redemption. I’ve told him at times that he isn’t a bad person he just does bad things. That’s a lie. He’s a terrible person. He knows he’s doing the wrong thing, he knows what he looks at is sick, he knows it’s wrong to lie and cheat, he knows when he’s being a dick, he knows when he’s hurting me or others and does it anyway. Unapologetically. And with zero desire to be a better person or get help. He’s sick. That’s where hate becomes pity. Yesterday he had a field day with it. He shared a post to Facebook about kids not thanking their dads for their sacrifices and not saying they are proud of them. That they aren’t grateful. That the dads are trying to be a good man in a society that devalues them. That one really gets me as in where in being a liar, a cheater, a pervert, and an addict is he trying to be a good man - he’s  not even a good person! Also how dads leave their frustration at the door after work - that’s laughable with the amount of fury he visits inside the home. And the last one that was bullshit how they love even when they feel they are failing - love is not something he has done for years - even then it wasn’t true. He feeds off their attention if they give it, imagines they admire him, buys them pot and alcohol even when they were young, and acts like a teen buddy not a dad mostly. 

He also came home in a fury last night. At least he didn’t pick on me for it. He said it was about work. I asked what happened and he said he didn’t want to talk about it. I said I was sorry he had a bad day and he went to his room to sink int porn. When he left my daughter says “you know he must have had a fight or something with his girlfriend... if it was work he would have gone on about it”. She also said he wasn’t like his work mad more like depressed mad so she knew it was girlfriend related. She’s a smart teenager. I told her wow- you’re right and insightful. She’s like yeah - you know I was raised with him around. She knows he needs supply. She knows what a narcissist is and what they are like. In two decades the only time my husband has declined to rant, brag or go on about something is when it involves cheating. The girlfriend probably got pissed (if she has an ounce of sense which is unlikely) that she hasn’t seen him in over a month and he’s still trying to keep her in the hook. Actually it’s more likely she’s mad he hasn’t left me - I mean that was his promise to the nasty bitch. She has no idea what she’s getting into. I was thinking yesterday too how long he could maintain this supposed dream life with her. He hates apartments and that’s where he’d be - he’s not gonna qualify for another house anytime soon. He has a big shop full of tools and dirtbikes and we have a small track - that would be gone. He wouldn’t even have a garage - just a storage unit somewhere. He wouldn’t have his own room where he could watch endless perverted porn / I don’t think he could last long without that addiction. He’s have to take care of his own appointments and bills which he never even asks about. Whose gonna take care of that ticket he got and had court for 4 days ago which he forgot to take care of? He can only pretend to be nice when his back hurts for a little while. I doubt it would take near as long for him to taint that relationship as it did ours. But anyways my daughter stated the obvious that I somehow missed.

As I said he also spent the evening on porn from 7 until 1030. This  morning again - this time all he searched for was “teen” porn. We have a teen daughter. He is beyond disgusting. At some point a few home truths will be shared but for now I wait. 

One extra incident I almost forgot- the other day I woke up when he got up. I stayed up and awake in my room the entire time until he drove away. He has been coming in my room every day and saying good bye with a kiss but that morning he didn’t. I texted him later and said “sorry if I didn’t wake up when you came in have a great day luv u” . He responded “ I will and yeah you were out”. It’s fascinating that I know him so well that in a test I knew he would lie - even in a situation where it wasn’t necessary. He is so massively unreasonable he can’t see reasonableness in others. A normal human would say “ I didn’t- I was in a hurry but have a good day love u too”. But of course he’s not normal. That was Monday so Tuesday he kissed me goodbye. Wednesday morning he kissed me goodbye and that night we had sex. Thursday he kissed me goodbye. And today Friday he left without coming in- this reiterates him being upset over the girlfriend. The day after having a long roll in the bed with his wife?

He was also furious for a bit Wednesday because he thought someone went in his room while he was at work. That’s an overt sign of his potential as a husband and father. What’s he hiding? He walks into my room all the time. So do the kids. I don’t care if they use my phone or grab something out of my purse. I don’t mind boundaries- but his reason for his type of boundaries is to hide and lie. Because he has zero integrity. That is the ultimate crux of the matter and that’s why I hate him.

Skinny Minny

 When we met my husband was just under 6’ tall and weighed about 165 to 175#. He cussed some but not with me much. Smoked some pot no cigarettes no coffee. At 53 he is now 5’10” ish but seems shorter because he hunches. He is very thin and bony and weighs only 139. He coughs and spits phlegm every morning for 10 minutes or more. He pukes almost every morning. He often has back pain and it’s very dramatic sometimes going to urgent care. He often makes comments about suicide when his back hurts or I’ve confronted his real self. The lines on his face are deep - like half inch deep though he claims everyone thinks he’s 40 cuz he’s in such good shape. His skin hangs down from his jowls a half inch. He smokes two packs of cigs or more per day and an oz of weed a week. 6 cups of coffee every morning and 2 or 3 energy drinks a day . He takes two different kinds of ed pills. He takes muscle relaxants regularly for his back. The female he was cheating on me with was also excessively bony her collar bones prominent. Not well endowed. Anorexic looking. Ugly. Hooded eyes. Very wrinkled. Short very thin hair. Smokers voice. And a trashy demeanor. To be fair she is gainfully employed well enough to have a small apartment. My point? I discovered him on porn sites today. Porn pics specified as super skinny. And “Anorexicpornmovies.com.” My husband is super fucked up in the head . Btw as a side note I am 5’2 weigh 120...so not chunky not “anorexic”. So not only is he disgusting and perverted- he’s also fantasizing over her even though he was three timing her too. I’d pity him but he wouldn’t get it because he lacks empathy.

Drama

 About a week ago one of my husbands Facebook friends popped up on my suggestions. I’ve accepted others and some of his friends are mine. This lady didn’t have any other common friends and one picture - I did happen to comment on her pic “aww my husband liked your pic”. Her post was from July but somehow my husband knew about the comment - hmm. He brought it up and said why were you on her fb? I told him she popped on my friend suggestions so I accepted and then looked. He was pissed and started in on why was I seeing his friends etc - again I told him she was in my suggestions at which point he said I had men on mine. Um I don’t have any male friends that aren’t family or in common with him. He argued a minute - it was ridiculous. I finally said “ if you didn’t cheat and message women on fb you wouldn’t make such a big deal out of it” he answered “ here we go”. I told him I have no idea what’s going on sometimes and though he said he wanted us to work and was done with his “girlfriend” he talked to her after the fact. I told him I didn’t want to bring things up either but needed reassurance from him on his own volition once in awhile. Hes never even said he was sorry for cheating. He got heated and insulted - said here we go it always comes back around to him doing something wrong. I said no I just wanted to reconnect and was saying what I needed. I asked what he needed. He shook his head rolled his eyes and stared at his phone. I said look at me and he’s like jesus. For a moment he did and I just said I’m not insulting you to ask for emotional needs. He shunned me again so I finally said ok then and sat back while he stonewalled me. Eventually he decided to offer that he wanted less drama - never takes ownership of being the ultimate drama by being a lying cheating fuckface of a non human. He also said he was sorry for cheating. I stood up touched him and said you’ve got it. I hear what you need and I guarantee you will not get any more drama from me. He accused me of being patronizing of course. I said no I’m dead serious. I’ve dropped it and you will never get drama from me again. And I do mean it. Grey rock from today on. He will never see emotion from me again. He can just ramble on with his grandiose posturing about work. About what he wants to buy. And rant about how dumb everyone but him is. He is as deep and intelligent as a puddle in the Mojave desert. He has no remorse and no ability to actually fathom anyone’s feelings but himself. In every conversation it’s turned into being about him... and that’s with everybody so at least I’m not the only one in that. He finally lost the best thing he was ever gonna get (me) and everything that comes with me. It’s the last straw for me to understand he’s actually incapable of kindness. He has a pretense of kindness occasionally but only done as a reflection to brag about how special he is for doing it. And he lied to his “girlfriend” he lied to me, he lied to the chick he dated from his hometown, and he lied to the two he was hitting up online- all at the same time. This hurts but helps. Because I can see he is ill. A narcissist. I’m not the sole receiver of his narcissism I’m just in a different stage of it than each of the other women. That puts the psychopathic disorder firmly and completely on him. I get sad -not from love or hurt any more but from the loss of the life and future I thought we had. As a last interesting circle he came up to me an hour later or so and said he was sorry about earlier. I breezily replied no problem. It’s all good. When I walked by he accused me of being mad and I said no I’m not mad at all it’s all fine . I’m not mad - it’s a disappointment but I feel sorry for him . And me. But I wasn’t mad. He said it again and I said I’m not mad - just don’t start drama you didn’t want. This was in front of our kids so he shut up. And I went to the store with him. Watched tv. And stayed totally light and breezy. He spent half the day in his room. I just watched a movie with my daughter and he comes out and tells me I’ve been on my phone all day and shouldn’t eith my eye. And dang it I forgot to gray rock! I defended but at least mildly. But I showered, did my hair, had several long conversations with my son daughter and sons girlfriend, hand washed 2 racks of dishes, swept and cleaned the kitchen, went to the store - and apparently was on my phone during all that - not. Oh wait - drama.

Likes and dislikes

Tidbits

 Those pesky details - they always come to light. Though he hasn’t seen the skank he was fucking he didn’t completely cut things off with her either. If he had she wouldn’t have been comfortable messaging him on Facebook. And he messaged her that he missed her and wanted to see her. She said he needed to “do something” but she wouldn’t make him or pressure him and she thought she had a future with him. First offending detail: I asked him if she thought he was going to leave me for her. He replied “probably”. So I asked “ were you” and he said “I don’t know”.  Yet now he really thinks we get past that? He had no other depth to share. Detail 2: She thought she was his girlfriend. However weeks after starting with her he dated another gal he knew from highschool. Detail 3: well into this supposed girlfriend status he was messaging two other women trying to get going with them. And he was trying it with me too. I understand something is seriously wrong with him but find it incredibly difficult to surmise that HE can’t see something is seriously wrong. It’s really sad in some ways but since he can’t feel his shortcomings sympathy isn’t really warranted. On another note the gal from highschool he dated - he subsequently liked a picture on her fb profile. I texted him “I saw you liked Kristie’s picture 🤣🤣”. He later asked “ why’d you text that”. I said well she didn’t want to be my fb friend. He said yeah she’s that way. I said oh I don’t think so. I think it’s cuz you dated. He says no we didn’t. I said yes you did while I was in Montana with our kids. He even offered to take her out on a date again - thats what he called in when he messaged her. There was more denial mixed in but he finally says well we just went to dinner. I said that’s a date and you didn’t tell me about it. He says “see this is why I can’t deal with you cuz everything you say is just to start drama”. Huh? Apparently cheating lying and dating behind your wife’s back is not really starting drama? No ownership. No maturity. In fact he doesn’t give two shits about me. That’s what acceptance will mean for me. But buyer beware.

Head in the Sand

 It seems the head in the sand approach is my husbands direction with this affair. Pretend it didn’t happen - at least to my face. Avoid taking responsibility or even apologizing for it after promising it would never happen again. And in his self prophecy of never being happy once he gets what he says he wants he still remains an unhappy person. 

So we aren’t fighting, he isn’t cheating at the moment but we haven’t talked about IT - and it is humming along like a low engine noise you’re not quite sure of until your motor sputters and dies or explodes. We are treating each other fine and though it’s not new for me to be supportive of him he showed some for me which is new. He says he wants respect, affection, dates and sex. But in getting it doesn’t soak it up or seem to care. He is still interested in porn hub and jerkmate rather than real sex. In fact he’s been on both every single day and night and hasn’t initiated or wanted sex with me - and yet that was his big blame thing and what he told his skank - was that I didn’t take care of his business - what he didn’t tell her is that he failed to take care of MY business - which is more than just in the bedroom. Maybe she was just a handjob blowjob skank that didn’t need more? He said he didn’t want to sit at home and wants to go out ... so I agree and suddenly the going out dries up completely- because going out really was about going to said skanks house not actually going out. So no matter what he receives he’s unhappy. I think because giving is a better opportunity to feel good about yourself and others. Regardless of any psychological condition he’s still aware of right and wrong - it’s why he tries to validate wrongdoing. If you believe in karma every time he goes too far his luck also craps on him. First his car broke down. Now his truck. What would he be doing about his skank if he was still seeing her? Not taking my car lol. Anyways just some random insights into a life he’s wasting by not embracing and sharing positivity. That mindset has to come from within... and is why he escapes every day by being stoned and sinking into porn. Eventually he will have to face his acts and his decision to do things that aren’t in my best interest or his but for now it’s easier to let him keep his head in the sand.

Validation

 Tonight my daughter and I were telling my husband about a documentary we watched about a man in Frederick Colorado who killed his wife and his two small daughters. My husband expressed disbelief that a man could do that to his children. But when it came to the wife he tried to validate it at every turn. The man was cheating and thought he could start a life with the girlfriend if he killed off his old life. I mentioned that the woman knew he was married and that he was not yet separated and my daughter and I stated the opinion that she was lowlife scum. Of course he tried to defend her liking the guy - to which we replied then she should have told him to get his shit together and move out before she had sex with him. Then when we talked about the guy murdering his wife my husband said well she probably annoyed the fuck out of him. My daughter and I immediately responded that that was bullshit and that you don’t murder your wife - and besides she wasn’t annoying her husband - he was just a pathetic cheater ( we didn’t say that part) but he was trying to validate 1)the cheating 2) the cheatee 3) the guy murdering his wife. My daughter said maybe we should be concerned - he has said he’d like to kill me before. I have fear for my life and think I need to be cautious about how I act and that’s not a good place to be.

Pieces

 Where do I even begin to explain what seems to be sociopathic narcissism? It’s hard for regular people to wrap their heads around it - including me. I’ll just toss out random incidents and thoughts for others to discern affinity or familiarity with. 

When I managed to place a call to his “girlfriend” I told her she was a skank who should quit fucking other people’s husbands. And if a man tells her he’s married she shouldn’t give him her number. She said my husband pursued her - as if this cleared her moral turpitude and culpability for fucking a married guy. She told me I needed God in my life. This amazing absolute irony and massive hypocrisy of someone who is knowingly fucking a married guy drops right into being so stupid it’s hilarious. She also told me I should take care of my husbands “business”. And that he’s a great guy. Ok well my “husband” (a loose term) needs to take care of MY business. I like business but not with someone verbally and physically abusive. And business always seems to hurt his back or piss him off for a multitude of reasons. Second what “God” friendly bitch invalidates a homemaker? Oh right - one who believes everything a married man tells her - including that he hasn’t had sexual or a good marriage in 15 years? So he not only picks ugly hypocrites he picks dumb ones as well. She knew he was lying to me so how did that make him a good guy? How stupid. I do have a job and am quite proud of it - from raising kids, every practice, every planned birthday, every school event, all the bills, insurance, finances. All the cleaning, cooking and home improvements. Substantial cash from dog breeding as well. Her words were stupid and made her look the joke she is inside and out.

One day my daughter and I were talking about a girl who had her long hair cut off and my husband piped in how much he hated short hair - in fact he’s said this numerous times. Mine is 4 or 5 inches past my shoulders. But we immediately laughed and told him that was bullshit as his gf has very thin hair less than 3” long! Again with the hypocrisy. He backpedaled quickly and I’ll admit to some inner entertainment.

He’s such a “good guy” that as soon as I busted him he dumped her. So the good guy used her for supply and as soon as it was tainted he dumped her - but since she’s clearly analytically challenged I wonder if she realizes how not good guy behavior that is. Not to me or her.  Of course he said had to go to her to do it which I found unacceptable. When he left - again making his continually bad choices - I left too. Went to Walmart. When I got home he was mad that I didn’t wait at home for him to get back from his gf! Ridiculous right? I told him he made choices I couldn’t accept and got angry at him at which point he said he now wasn’t sure what he wanted. Translation is if I dare to set boundaries or show emotion then he wants the skank and if I “behave” he wants me. Still not acceptable. And in fact he just drove down the road and hung out - he didn't really break up with her - he just stopped seeing her but didn't stop messaging her. Always the trusting fool I actually believed he broke up with her at first. I have to come to terms with being too loving.

At one point he told me he didn’t know why he treated me the way he did and he needs to treat me the way he treats his girlfriends - the obtuse lack of depth or intelligence in this statement is astounding. I will only accept being treated like ME - a deserving giving generous to a fault special lady.

After pushing the strife down he has no clue how wounds fester. Never will as he’ll never try. Today the verbal abuse while mild is still creeping in. I lightly push a car door shut and the weight makes it close harder so he snipes at me to not “fucking slam the door”. He says he’s driving 70 feet to the other side of a parking lot and I say oh well I’ll just walk and he says “well I’m fucking driving so do whatever the fuck you’re gonna fucking do and close my fucking door “. I mildly told him he was being unnecessarily mean and stepped calmly away. 

His back was hurting and he said he hates everything about his life. Called me a bitch. Ranted under his breath for a half hour. Said he was suicidal. 

We were at a gas station and he commented on a man that was in the next car and I told him yeah he said he loved the color of my hair and that I was still a young lady. My husband could have said “because you are” but that’s laughable. What he said was well isn’t that just nice for you - with that edge to his tone.

We were watching my daughters softball camp when he decided to tell me “I really like that gals hair. I don’t know why but I really like it and the color”. Wtf? I replied - yes that’s what people tell me about mine but I’m glad I don’t have to worry about roots. Basically stuff it.

He said a dirt bike he’s thinking of buying has a title. Later he asked if I needed to write up a bill of sale and I replied “I thought it had a title - as long as he signs that over we won’t need a bill of sale”. Which for an unknown reason pissed him off and he said whatever he’d fucking do it himself.

Later he asked if I was going to look at the dirt bike with him and I said well I don’t have to and that I don’t know anything about them. And he replied “what about the fucking title what if I do it wrong I don’t wanna fucking hear it from you”. I just let the cussing and bullying slide by on that one.

At dinner with my son and daughter my son was telling us about a documentary where a man who was cheating on his wife went home slept with his wife for the first time in months then took her and their kids and killed them. My husbands comment : “you hear that? Remember that Jenn” - threats.

He was driving and went to make a left turn. It was a double turn and he was on the inside lane. He wasn’t paying attention and veered into the far lane over halfway and the car next to him honked so he corrected back into his lane. For the next 4 or 5 minutes he went on about what a dick the guy was and what an ass he was to honk at him and how he would never honk at someone like that. The last part is true - he wouldn’t honk because he flips people off, screams at them , threatens them and tries to get them to pull over and fight. 

While we were not sexually active for 4 to 5 months because I would not have sex while being verbally abused and lied to he was taking a variety of erection aid pills and masturbating to porn involving such sites as jerkmate and transvestites on pornhub in addition to fucking another woman and trying to with another. Over the years he’s often had increasing difficulty achieving orgasm during sex and also many times remains partially soft. It became exhausting to have to hand job him for 30 to 40 minutes after sex. 

My Turn for Epiphany

 I’ve felt this your years but never formulated it before in its simplest yet deepest form. Though I know there’s nothing to be gained from it I still shared it with my husband. There is always that small chance that he will glean a small grain of salt from it and carry that to his new life:

“The greatest gift I have given you is that I have never chosen another man over you. The greatest disservice you have done me is that you always choose other women over me”

Whether it was pornography of women, emailing them, texting them or fucking them invariably every time that is in fact choosing them. That is my marriage simplified. Not so much an epiphany but more of a descriptive term that I felt deeply. I requested no reply and told him I was glad he found his mate - and I meant it.

Moving on though there was one other conversation that is so absurd it must be shared. When we discussed his girlfriend our issue surfaced slightly. What it came down to is that he stated he wouldn’t have a girlfriend if I still made his lunch, dinner and did his laundry. The ignorance and lack of intelligence is blatant in everything about this not to mention that it’s a self serving lie but I’ll PowerPoint it anyways. 1. I responded that it was ridiculous that he would not only yardstick these chores but use them as blackmail “I’ll cheat if you don’t do them”. The absurdity is mind boggling. 2. I stopped making his lunches because he bitched about how I made them or what I put in them. 3. I stopped cooking dinner every night and making his lunches AFTER he chose other women and because of it. 4. I stopped doing his laundry because he verbally abused me over his socks - not the first time but the last time he verbally abused me over laundry. Lastly I still cook dinner several nights a week but sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s at her house. Best part - he then told me “she said she would make me lunch and dinner and do those things for me”. The audacity never ceases to amaze. I was like yeah - if you cheated lied and verbally, emotionally and sometimes even physically abused her would she? Didn’t say it though - it’s irrelevant. I did say she must be a lowlife and he jumped to her defense - “no she’s not she’s been through some shit too and that judgemental you don’t even know her”. My response: “good people don’t fuck married men. They tell them move out file for divorce then get your life together then we can be together”. Like water over a ducks back this depth holds no water for him. But it does for me. And I’ve been through some shit in my life too and he’s part of the shit I’ve been through.

Annual Anniversary Tradition

 That’s right today was my wedding anniversary. I got what has become my husbands standard gift - a nice talk about his new girlfriend and an afternoon watching movies with my daughter. Can’t wait for my birthday next week - typically a date is involved - just not with me. And yes it’s weird- he’s done so much damage and after forgiving and letting it go over an over wishing for the moon it’s just not in the cards. Not because I don’t have it in me but because he doesn’t have it in him. But I still get unreasonably hurt and sad when this happens for my anniversary and birthday - it’s the 3rd time. It exemplifies the complete disregard he has for me and others in general. 

Rodeo

 So my husband t finds a new supply when the current supply is not satisfactorily manipulated. From an “epiphany” in mid July. By August 2nd my husband was already seeing another woman. He’d already been seeing someone casually “a 38 year old “ and was also courting a woman from Texas. He’s been seeing her regularly ever since. Of course he’s lied about every time he’s not here - as if he has ever felt he owed anything like loyalty or respect the last 8 yrs of our marriage. Again I haven’t much to say any more it is after all a broken record that repeats no matter what. This morning I went into his room to ask if he was riding with me to our daughters softball. At which point I realized he was talking to his gf on his phone which is in fact how I found out about her. He immediately shoved his phone down. It ended up hanging up on her so I don’t know how much she heard but I take real exception to my home of 22 years being invaded in any way. It’s just offensive. I explained this to him and for the most part it did not develop into an argument. But he also called her back and I reiterated that I did not appreciate this disrespect - he is at work and on the road 12 hours of the day and at her house several times a week so there is plenty of time for their relationship outside of my house. I did take the opportunity during the 2nd call to give her a shout out that she isn’t his first rodeo. Apparently she also apologized to him for calling him at home . The best part for last - I told him his newest gf was a homely (That’s being kind) to which he replied “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” .. well she’s getting D from a married guy so he must be talking about her literal guts not her morals. And he didn’t deny she’s homely lmfao. He always defends his new victims because the are “good” people. I still tend to think good people don’t fuck with married men (she knew from the start) - they tell them they have to be unmarried or at least out of the house first - and they shouldn’t be lying about it to their wife. I wish I still had the man that used to defend me. And as the wife who has supported him and our family through self employment job changes and a million daily acts I am in fact a good person inside - better than her who fucks a married man and better on the outside too. But hey they can cloud their lungs together with anorexic bones sticking out.

Primary School

 Last night my husband came home about 730. I was in my room as I’ve learned to try to be out of sight when he gets home. He knocked but came in without waiting for an answer. No hello just “are you making dinner”. I said I hadn’t really planned on it - I mean I don’t usually know if he’ll be home at 7 or 11pm. Even the night before he said don’t cook for me I already ate (with another woman) But apparently I’m supposed to telekinetically know when this night is different. Of course this triggered him. He yelled at me about not cooking, I told him what was available and he asked why can’t I cook it. I was about to just do it when he launched into a tirade about how I don’t  do a fucking thing all day and I should get a job and I don’t do or make anything. He came towards me with his hand raised as if to hit me and said “oh I’d like to fucking hit you” and I admit I was scared of him. I never know how far it can go and he’s threatened me before.As a notation I only handle all bills, finances, utilities, college issues, cleaning, have remodeled 3 rooms, home maintenance, dog feeding and care, dog breeding which brings in bucks and get unemployment right now. I cook 3 to 4 times a week at least twice a week I get home late after softball and do all the clean up. Anyways I got home at 8 and he wasn’t home. No idea (well one idea haha) where he goes but he came home with a large dish of food from his skanks house. I’d left him some dinner... but it’s likely the last time I will cook dinner for him.  He can bring it from where he got tonights dinner. Anyways none of this is my real point. It made me reflect that one of the primary traits I’ve been schooled on that is perhaps their saddest feature is his inability and even lack of desire to change. A basis of satisfaction with himself even at their worst. A self validation process in which he repeat the same process even as he’ll verbalize recognizing the destruction of his life and our happiness.. Though this verbalization is really only another repeat of the pattern. Others make mistakes. Feel regret. And desire change or growth. And they do both. For me it was changing from being a victim. I changed my reactions and responses. I haven’t and never will perfect it but I’ve made giant strides. Created boundaries. Learned better personal control. Gained understanding and shared positive relationship growth with my kids. And much more. And he continues his pattern. And though lying to me and cheating doesn’t much matter any more he presents a fake self to his new supply. I accept my humanity in that I’m aware part of me would resent that he could present himself as a positive and kind person to a new female supply. But as personal growth more of me hopes that he would treat his new supply so much better - it’s unfair to them and I would hate to see a new victim. But I also know that in essence he is already wronging them  by offering a false reality of himself. The last one he told he was separated. And nothing of his true self. My pity outweighs all else.

Boyfriend Material

 The fact that the abuse has spilled onto my daughter is what in many ways has made it less painful. I know that sounds odd.. but I have a protective and complete love for my kids. So in attacking my daughter there is little left of him as a human to me. I don’t even remember the subject but my daughter was indeed disrespectful to him. I have actually tried privately with her to get her to dial disrespect down for her own safety. But as he’s never dealt with it in an appropriate manner it’s gone unchecked. And she needs someone in her corner so I will not get involved when it’s happening. And when it does he insults her compounding the issue. So she wasn’t being overly disrespectful just a tone common to teens. But my husband became irate. Proceeded to tell her with the way she is no wonder she didn’t have a boyfriend and that she would never have a boyfriend. That no boy would want her. Who says that to their daughter? Oh he does. What an appropriate way to teach and earn respect- Not. I feel my younger son judges on occasion what he thinks is a mutual process. But he’s not here daily. He doesn’t see the constant abuse that generates our disinterest in the husband and father he is to us. The tone my daughter had is like the tone her Dad has only 10 times worse in response to anything I say. Every interaction conversationally he considers disagreeing with him. I let these attitudes slide most of the time - I’m well trained by years of living in fear of retribution. Occasionally myself or my daughter will have a tone with him - but he instantly becomes incensed and insulting every time and often when there’s no tone or slight even involved. He always feels threatened in his self perception. So much for his regret , apologies and promises to never insult his daughter again. Sadly she and I knew this anyways. I don’t know if she will find boyfriend material with exposure to this person - I should have taken her out of it years ago.  But that’s not on her it’s on him . She’s a beautiful, funny, intelligent charming girl who will probably have trust issues because of him 

Dictionary dot com

 Hmm so I seemingly placed a large incident in my minds back burner. In June I took my younger son who is 19 and my 15 yr old daughter to Montana to visit my stepdad. We also picked up a truck he gifted to my son which we drove back to Colorado. It was a great trip. We had many enjoyable moments. My husband is at a point where daily he voices a need to go out and get drunk. He also occasionally insults me for not having or voicing this desire. As a side note while we partied once in awhile in our 30’s going to bars and weekly drinking was not our lifestyle so his desire for this as he’s started voicing in the last 3-4 years is a change. Anyways I leave him to it. It’s often accompanied by cheating - which of course he did when all was great between us or at least I thought it was. I figured he would date and drink all weekend - he says that’s what he wants. So my kids and I piled in my sons gifted truck and headed home from northern Montana. A third of the way home I start getting texts and calls. The texts are about how he’s bored. Then multiple calls which I don’t answer as we were enjoying old faithful in Yellowstone. Then a text saying he needs to hear that I love him. Then one about how he’s realized we need to love and respect each other. Next text is how he needs to talk to me about health issues. More calls. Then “I’m not good right now”. Then he says he’s having panic attacks. A voicemail that he needs to talk about problems. Finally I decide to call back once Old Faithful was done. Once he answered he immediately began chattering in panic about having panic attacks. And how he had an epiphany about everything and knows what “we” need to do. And how his “epiphany” has changed him and his life. To be honest this isn’t the type of word he would utilize so in the back of my mind I’m wondering where he got the idea. Anyways he went on and on about the panic, the epiphany, an abscessed tooth (wasn’t). I  told him just because he thinks he had an epiphany and something changed for him didn’t mean it did for me. Maybe it could but we needed to talk first. I also told him it would be ok and just take some deep breaths. Again told him it would be okay. And that though I wasn’t in the same mindset as him with time it was possible if he stuck with it over time.Then it came out. He did a bunch of crank. Probably panicked because he hooked up with some random chick. He was high and on erection pills (which affect your blood flow). And he didn’t have an epiphany. And the panic attacks were from snorting too much crank. It was literally disillusioning. When we got home the next day he even went to the kids to tell them he did coke - which he didn’t he was still was trying to make himself look better but it was crank. He played the victim of being sad, upset and tried to induce pity. Do I even need to tell you that within a few days since he wasn’t instantly placed into revered status and since my daughter and I were not in awe and impressed with this “new” husband/dad that he immediately went back to being an abusive self centered attacker? No surprise at all. He needs to google the word epiphany.  Dictionary.com not sure he can spell dictionary.

Talk of the Drive Thru

 A couple months ago my daughter and I again risked being in the car with my husband. We’ve learned to try to avoid this as it rarely ends well. And if he’s driving our lives are at risk with his road rage. But in this case he was driving. We stopped at Arby’s drive through. My daughter told him her order from the back seat. Though he’s avoiding acceptance he is hard of hearing with any white noise present so he didn’t hear her. She repeated it very loudly at which point he got drastically and dramatically offended screaming at her that she didn’t need to be a bitch and turning around towards her arm raised as if he was going to smack her. I immediately intervened telling him to stop. She defended herself telling him he couldn’t hear and at that point did tell him he was deaf. Like his every mature move he proceeded to scream at her that no wonder she didn’t have a fucking boyfriend and that he’d “heard” about her reputation and added some insult to that implying she was a slut. She burst into tears and asked him how he could say stuff like that to his own daughter. How could he insult her like that. I may be able to let stuff wash over me but attack my daughter?! Not even. As a side note not that it matters to his reprehensible verbal abuse the girl has kissed boys at parties. She’s 16. She’s also a virgin. Anyways he received volume three fold as I launched the “how dare you” speech he deserved. My daughter and I were so furious we both cried. And being at the drive thru did not hold us back. Not only did he do irreparable harm to his daughter and any hope of a relationship with her but I bet we were the talk of that Arby’s for a couple days. As with any abusive narcissist he apologized, said he was wrong, didn’t mean it, wouldn’t do it again etc. But when no one patted him on the back right away he said fuck you... but then we already knew he didn’t mean it. When he brought it up later I accepted no excuse he had for it so again he said fuck you. But again I knew that he was disingenuous from the start. As a side note we took my daughter to the drive in for her birthday last month she was in a 2nd car with friends and my husband and I in another. It was a positive moment out of time - it went well and I enjoyed his company. I almost thought when we got home something positive would happen but he didn’t show interest sexually. To be fair neither did I - I’m afraid to put myself out there and get hurt. So the moment slipped away but at least the night happened.

Say it Louder

 My daughter, my husband and I went to her softball game together. On the way home he was sitting in the back and my daughter in the passenger seat. She was playing music and it was a bit loud as teenagers do. My husband got a phone call. Now he was sitting right behind her. He could have gently tapped her on the shoulder and asked her to turn the music down. He could have leaned forward and spoken in her ear. But instead he screamed (literally) then pushed her yelling “turn the fucking music fucking down”. Same result abusive method. He couldn’t have said it any louder.  I feel as if I sacrificed so my kids could have stability and better lives. But my daughter suffers his abuse now too and my son seems influenced by the negative behavior finding validation in his father’s bullying. There was rightness and wrongness to staying leaving me in a grey area in the middle. We haven’t had sex since the end of April and I get lonelier as time passes. I still want him to try to be us but he doesn’t and accepting that has always been my challenge 

Crazy Sour Worms

Yesterday myself, my husband. son and daughter drove about 80 minutes to go pick up a deck for our house. Our current deck is in serious disrepair and somewhat hazardous. Plus the one I found is also bigger and we can put some patio furniture on it. The trip went well which was great and one of those days I thought we could do this life together. It’s been almost a month since we had sex and last night I went to his room and though we aren’t 100% reconnected we had a good roll in the bed at least.
Today my husband asked "do you want to go with me to Castle Rock to pick up a toolbox/" Castle Rock is about 70 minutes away. "not really". I answered. That opened the can of crazy worms. "I fucking went all the way to pick up your deck" he said. And okay in this instance instead of rolling over I made a small contribution to the end results by responding  "well I thought the deck was for OUR house for the whole family to use...but I guess since its mine only you're not going to use it right?". This invited a diatribe about how he did me a favor. I said "well if I had known it was a favor that you were going to hold over my head I wouldnt have asked". To which he answered "Ill fuckin hold something over your head...a fucking brick and then I'll fucking drop it and watch you die" What?! "Okay so now youre threatening to kill me. Nice. I'm out" I replied and I walked out onto our back deck and away from the situation...even as the words "fine, get the fuck out you fucking bitch" drifted in behind me from the ever unstable person who lives here.
An hour later he seems to expect me to go to the grocery store with him. "When do you want to go? Later?" he asks. And I say yeah but I ponder how blind, oblivious..maybe not deep enough to fathom that I dont want to go to the store with someone who threatened to kill me. Mental health is a serious issue and as time and incidents march by I realize its hidden threat. How many other households...women...are held captive in the wake of a bully? No matter the reason or the issue no one has the right to be abusive. Even if he thinks he does.

It's So Cheezy

I don't blog much about myself though in essence this is about me albeit secondary. I sleep alone. I’m sad. No one knows how really sad I am. Talking about real feelings or dreams isn't allowed. Conversations with my husband revolves around either his various pains (back, arm, shoulders etc) or some complaint him to be verbally abusive. His latest forays with dating involve his standardized new alibi of going to his friend Chez's house. Co worker he says. In some ways it's amusing..only the narcissism makes him continue to fabricate. I mildly challenge the lie just so it's understood that I'm not stupid but I keep it mild and avoid conflict that makes it hard on both of us. . What is annoying is that he simultaneously tries to get sex from me. And we have in the past week - my misbegotten idea of trying to salvage something here. And it's a singular lack of any ability to reason through that he would think while hes trying to find women to hook up with that I would be any more inclined. He can hang with “Chez”

Silent treatment

I'm being granted the flip side of narc abuse. Doing nothing grants me some form of abuse..in this case the silent treatment. When leaving for my daughters softball my husband wasn't ready. Though we had told him what time. He said he would need to change..and you can always tack on 10+ for him to get stoned also. I said we wanted to be on time and would he be ready so he said "just fucking go". My daughter told him it was at a highschool we've played at before and we left. I also asked her and she said it was there..but she hadn't actually checked so when we got there we realized it was at another field. I told her immediately to text her dad and she said she already did then we drove to the other location. Some time later my husband called and I told him Rio texted him the address before he left. He checked then yelled at me because of where it was then hung up. Later he arrived at the game..I didn't even know he was there and got up to get something and there he was behind the bleachers. I said "oh there you are. I didn't know you were here". He's says "I've been here" in a sour tone.H never spoke to me again. Didn't come sit by me. Left just before the end of the game without saying anything. When I got home he ignored me and went to his room. The anger is easy to see bubbling under the surface. I've no idea what imagined thing he's decided I've done for him to achieve anger. Though I know it's to do with the location change. I actually wasn't happy with my daughter's inattention to detail and told her so.. put me in the same position as my husband. So why's he mad at me? Well who knows but silence is a fair bit better than having something tossed painfully into my face. But still leaves a bitter taste about sleeping with him several times last week.

Peaks

For some reason I can't begin to fathom the abuse of me by my husband continues to peak again. And one moment he says "I still love you" and the next vicious name-calling wouldn't care if you were killed tomorrow diatribe is heaped loudly at me. Case in point when I arrived home today he was already home. I was a bit late having worked a bit late and having errands on Mondays. He asked why I was late..I responded that I worked a few minutes past. I didn't think anything of the mild exchange and he went downstairs. A short time later he came back up and asked why I didn't tell him at lunch on the phone. " Umm I didn't know and besides I go to the bank every Monday" I replied. Now I did have a lightly baffled tone..he was acting accusatory in my view. But I didn't think it worth mentioning it and risking him bringing his temper down on me. I just wanted to enjoy his company. Fat chance. He didn't say anything so I thought I dodged the daily bullet. Then a bit later he announced he was going to name a puppy we may keep Echo. I said oh..that's one of our kids top names for a girl. He was furious. He said fuck you then..you guys can fucking name it like you always do and so on. Mmm..I responded I don't really care it's just a possible top choice grandchild name. He said not that he'd ever heard. From there he just got angrier..I'm not really even sure why or how. But suddenly he was telling me I'd been a bitch since I walked in, that I was always a fucking bitch, that I must, sit next to god since I was so righteous, that he wants out so fucking bad, won't be here in a year, that it's only me that makes him mad because I'm such a bitch, that I could get killed tomorrow and he wouldn't give a fuck, that sometimes he wants to just kill me.. well etc etc as it went on quite some time. He parodied me in an inaccurate and demeaning fashion creating an exaggerated tone of voice he said I used. He also interjected the word fuck which I most definitely don't use. I did mildly and calmly try to get a message to him that I'm not comfortable with his continual vicious temper and that he should consider help. I would say wrong time but even when he's calm you can't broach any subject related to abuse without inducing more abuse. So he continued to call me names and mutter under his breath. With no ability to reason I left the room not wanting to risk being physically abused again. I locked my door...as he always does. This also brought some of his wrath down as he shook the doorknob muttering "real fuckin mature". Peak to peak. I wonder at the imbalance. The peaks aren't high in this life. 1 minute later he yells thanks for dinner it was good. What a life.

Too Far

Some time ago I received a work comp settlement..not a lot. Put it away and after some months helped my son buy a car. With a couple thousand left I have often used that balance to supplement when were short dwindling it down. I made no real purchases..maybe a shirt or two. My husband puts weed purchases (3 to 400 a month) ahead of electric, groceries etc. along with 250 a month for cigarettes. Because I initially put in savings my husband is excessively resentful and acts as if I have done something selfish. Recently he was in a car accident. The insurance paid 1500 for repairs which was sent by check. I told him it was received and it sat several days so I deposited it to our checking. As a back story he hasn't worked a full week for several weeks and our mortgage is late. Anyways when I told him he immediately said he was going to withdraw 1100.00 just for him because I don't share "my" money and that's his. My first response was fine whatever. But at some point having to cower in the face of sociopathic rage becomes unacceptable. Living in fear becomes abhorrent. I asked him where the hell he thinks all that transferred money comes from? How our son got a car? Etc. And I said I'm sure he would need it to cover pot purchases because that comes first. He was a good 25 feet from where I was sitting in a chair. He did override a lot of what I said calling me a bitch with problems. Then he walked over to me and drew his arm back as if he were going to punch me. He screamed " I just wanna fuckin kill you grrrr" then he drew his arm back more and launched a cup of ice and soda point blank into my face and eyes pelting me violently and painfully in my eyes and face. My instant reaction was pain and I started crying then I screamed at him to get away from me. That physical abuse is not acceptable and its scary. At first he said fuck you you're a bitch. Then he apologized. I left the room trying to distance the situation but he followed. I tried to walk away and he blocked me. Then he cornered me so I couldn’t move. He held my arms with his hands. When I failed to tell him it was okay he reverted to "you fucking deserved it" . Our 19 year old son was there and told him no one ever deserves that. He also told us we should go to separate rooms...of course I'd already tried that. I told my husband to never touch me like that again. And if he ever physically abused me again I would call the police. Currently his behavior is unfathomably unstable. And he can't be reasoned with. The next day I broached the subject of challenges and uncontrolled repeated temper bursts that are almost daily. He rages that I have the problem. That I abuse him. Gaslighting - or at least trying to is narcissistic behavior. One interesting facet was him telling me I don't cook or clean and anyone could cook the crap I made. A contradictory statement anyways. So the next night when he asked if I was cooking dinner I said no. That he disrespected what I did and if anyone could do it then so could he. He said "ok well I won't change our fucking car oil" etc. But I never insulted his work ethic (he had called me lazy no working bitch) and never said things like that so it wasn't the same thing. But of course he was unable to understand that.
Today we were in the car me driving. My daughter in the passenger seat and my husband behind her. Music was on and we were just driving along when he suddenly screamed. And  I mean literally screamed "turn the FUCKING music down". Crazy..as in true illness. He could have just gently touched her shoulder and then asked her politely. But everything in his view is cushioned by a rage..at least when he thinks no one's looking. And as time goes more often when someone is looking. My daughter told him he was being crazy. So he called her a bitch. What a guy right?!. And getting him to get the help he needs is an impossible scenario since the key is for someone to know they need help and want it as well. That's not him. Sometimes nowadays I even feel sorry for him...I don't know if one day he will look back and see the mess and meanness he dished with disregard and disrespect. If he does it would be a difficult mirror to reflect. And if he doesn't he lived as a shell. Both sad. The lesson in this is that physical abuse is too far. Always. And I’m scared of him and his temper.