Dumb and Dumber

Life has trolled along relatively uneventfully. Not because my husband has changed...but because I have..at least to an extent. I no longer invest in emotionally charged reactionary events. I still have the compulsion to be aware but it has become more about policing myself rather than my husband. I am vigilant against old habits that might allow me to be duped into old traps. Last week he recorded some late night porn on tv...noticed but not addressed by me. I know hes also used incognito and google+ to view porn at least several times a week - his idea of "better". I am steadfast in my residency in the spare room. Hes been relatively nice and feeds me the I love you's like the false salve theyve always been. So I thought I'd fuck with him like a bug under a microscope to test his squirm factor..and as a reminder to myself. I restricted content on our phone plan this morning. Predictably when he got home from work he was a prick. My son had baseball practice again so I thought he might decide to go again. I told my daughter she had to stay home and thought we'd go out to dinner while my boy practiced . Heck I even planned on Twin Peaks...I care enough to give him the rope to hang our marriage with! But he walked in pissed and told my daughter he wanted his quiet time and didnt want to deal with her. Then told me all he ever does is work and he sure as fuck doesnt want to go back into town for dinner. I did mention that since thanksgiving hes pulled 3 1/2 weeks of unemployment so he doesnt need to walk in the door irate about having to work - and asked if he just had a bad day. He told me I was acting like he hadnt worked all of january. My girl also told him my stepdad was flying she and I to Montana to see them this summer...my boys have been there but she hasnt...hasnt even met him. His response was a sour "must be nice all I do is work". Well thanks I replied..."your parents want to take you to Hawaii in March and all Ive ever said is dont miss the opportunity..it will be wonderful - so thanks for sending that back around” No worries...bye I said as I left with my son...and my daughter. When we got home at 10 he was no longer in a sour mood. Again oh so predictably...because he'd spent his quiet time watching his porn flick, jacking off,  and re-enabling his content on his phone. The movie i knew because when I left it was on start..and when I got back it was on start over. And I saw the phone account enabled. I didnt say much...only told him that I knew about the porn and that I knew he was being deceptive about "trying" and was doing what he always does which is lying better. Just told him I wanted him to know I was aware..and that he should be too. And that I knew the reason for his sour mood was his initial frustration at not being able to access porn. And his mood improvement was due to him solving the problem and having a veritable porn feast ( didnt use that word though ) while I was gone. End of "talk" so to speak..so no fight, non- confrontational. I just gave him the facts, the consequences, and then stepped away. I have been dumb...before but no more. And in fact he is much dumber!

The Evolution of Epiphany

When the average person hits their late twenties they think they have matured. In retrospect there is always a new learning curve and I think now that when Im 60  I will still be learning and maturing...just on the downslope of dying. Last night I felt the bite of my own insight. It was a small thing but its largesse is in its realization. My son had baseball practice. I grabbed a phone charger to take with me. Innocuous enough you may think but upon reflection the decision of what charger to take required more forethought in a ridiculous manner. There is a charger in the bedroom my husband uses to charge his phone at night. Theres one in the living room he uses in the evening. I was going to take the one in the living room...but I thought my husband was not going with me so after weighing scenarios I opted to take the one in his bedroom. Why? So he wouldnt get pissed that there wasn't one in the living room when he got home. and I could sneak the one back into the bedroom before he knew. I met him in the driveway and he decided to go with me. When we got home later I brought the charger in with me and set it on the counter but forgot to plug back into the bedroom. Later he heads to bed but comes back out and asks where the charger is. I say "oh over on the counter by my purse". Of course we go through the usual back and forth tally of no it isn't yes it is like verbal ping pong. Of course it was there it just didn't jump at him. As he walked into his room he says "I don't know why you have to fuck with my charger don't we have enough fucking chargers around here you don't have to fuck with the one in my room". Hmm..I didnt say much...just replied mildly and without rancour in my tone "fuck off". So in spite of the ridiculous depth that went into my decision the result was still abusive controlling and inappropriate. And I realized that as much as hes evolved into this threatening bully over the years...so have I. He doesn't know how to deal with me any more than I do him. I began our relationship free, secure, and open. As I evolved...actually lets say devolved, I realize that I began to fashion what I did in even the most minute things to protect myself..making minor decisions big in order to avoid the anxiety of verbal abuse. I catered to him..not realizing that it was a form of controlling behavior by him. In reverse I wouldn't have given a second thought to him taking ANY charger. Its my evolution that I have these epiphanies and see more clearly. And a step forward in changing my behavioral patterns in the future. Its demeaning to see these habits I've built up but recognizing them gives me hope and confidence that I can get back to me.

A Phones Battery Life

Just to be clear my husbands phone was charging last night in his room. He unplugged my daughters ipod in the living room to charge more...not sure if that was at 3am or 5am...either way where do you suppose all that battery power went?! I bet I know

Define Delusional

During one of our discussions I asked my husband if he realized that not one month had gone by in years that his porn hadnt touched our lives. He didnt really give any response to that specifically. In his thought process he has said he has looked occasionally but nothing like he used to and hes not gonna lie about it. Yet oh so recently wasnt he watching porn on tv and on his phone while whacking off? I dont think he can masturbate without porn. He is somewhat like Don Jon if youve seen the movie. On 1/7/14 he recorded a very low budget porn flick on showtime...he wanted sympathy the next day after work for being soooo tired...but of course I told him maybe if he wasnt up at 130 watching porn he wouldnt be so tired! Since my salsa blog he has tried to be loving and patient which is the standard manipulative facade to keep me off balance...and expectant which I find excessively annoying. He'll get home and after 10 minutes or so is like " how come I didn't get a kiss yet?" Um I dont say it but maybe because you almost ran me over with the car? And hes attentive. How does he think it just goes away..just like that? He is as good at lying to himself as he is to me. And on the 9th he was looking at women on his phone. And last night he watched the porn flick again. I still picture him on the couch, dick in one hand, phone in the other, porn on tv, and the whole thing is a turn off. Some nights ago he was having sex with me (no "we" about it!) and he starts repeatedly saying " you want me to fill you up? You want me to fuckin fill you up?". I found it distasteful and very pornlike. I told him so though more gently and his response was...thanks for ruining it for him! Ok, really?! Next time..every time..I'll just worry about how he ruins it for me. Then 2 days ago he comes in my room, wakes me and say why dont you crawl on top and ride me? I didn't "reject" him with a no - that has proven risky to my life.I just pretended to be next to comatose sleep..he knew it was the same as no but he could delude himself that it wasn't. I am not confrontational about the porn..he knows what I think and the damage its caused and chooses it anyways. I mildly mention it on occasion just so he knows I'm not stupid and hes not clever. But it is the point of this blog...for you, and me, to see what a porn and sex addict is like and what its like to be married to one. It is a world of delusion for him and a harsh reality for me.

We Dont Need No Stinking Salsa!

Well my title may date me...and you if you get the pun on the old movie line. To be fair to my image I never saw the movie but remember its popularity. So its puts me over 40 lol !
So the day after movie day me, my girl, and husband went to the grocery store.
First let me tell you how my imagination recreates this in a good marriage:
Husb "I grabbed some salsa"
Wife "We have some salsa at home"
Husb "Are you sure..I finished a jar"
Wife "Yes...we had an extra jar"
Husb "Ok"
Now...here's how it actually went in the reality of my marriage:
Husb "I grabbed salsa"
Me "We dont need it.we have some at home"
Husb "Are you sure cuz I dont think we do"
Me "Yes..we have a full extra jar"
Husb "Are you SURE?" (Irritated)
Me "YES..Im sure!" (Irritated and adamant)
Husb "You're such a fucking bitch all the time"
He then walks off and I can hear him on the next aisle call me a bitch again several times. I don't respond and we meet up again about 5 aisles later and finish our shopping. After 10 minutes of our 15 minute drive home I turn to him and ask "why did you feel it was ok to argue with me in the store but when I argued with you I'm a bitch?" His response was that I'm always a bitch, I've been a bitch, the kids think so...yada yada...turned into an entire diatribe about what a "bitch" I am...and by the way HE didn't argue at all...it was all me.(not) Whatever...I went silent. When we reached our drive I got out to open the gate...and he took off like a shot leaving me there in the dark and cold on our snowy 300+ foot driveway. I started walking and was just over halfway - he had reached the house - when he suddenly reversed...he was clipping along pretty good and as he got very close I suddenly realized he wasn't going to slow down o move over. I dived to the side as he clipped me with the rear corner of our suv nailing my hip. My daughter stated that he asked her if she could see me but there’s nothing wrong with his eyes. However it was a sequence of acts and temper that led to recklessly attacking me with a vehicle. Which completely infuriated me. When I told him it scared and hurt me he told me it was my fault for being such a fucking bitch and too stupid to get the fuck out of the way. It also led to the dirty laundry...he attempted to throw more verbal mud at me but I blocked that at every turn..and showed him for what he was by not throwing it back - for example I did not tell him the kids thought him temperamental and mean...though I'm aware my daughter doesn't respect or believe in him. He evolved into telling me he'd find a woman who was nice to him and be gone (go ahead I said!). He also told me to get a new life...well the list goes on but you get the picture. Both of us were looking up divorce lawyers on our phones. I moved myself into the spare room. I wasn't as angry over the argument as I was angry and scared for my life about the abusive bullying actions and threat to my life. Of course in our typical marital evolution he about faced..apologizing, taking responsibility, admitting wrong, begging, pleading...lets say yada yada again! The funniest and symptomatic part is the first thing he did when he got in the house was search for the salsa. and he declared I was supposed to give him credit for not tossing it and pretending he was right! We really didn't need the stinking salsa!

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

So another long break from blogging. This time because I have been stuck with my husband being home...and with the joy of the kids being home! Finally today I am by myself to retroactively add the pieces of December.
The flow before Christmas was calm, happy, and steady. Its a time of being busy making it the "season". I had a great time shopping different days with my different kids. My sons and I had a particularly enlivened intellectual discussion about science and religion...it was an incredible joy to experience them so deeply. I spent time shopping with my daughter...went to build a bear and the movie Frozen. These are moments of time I truly enjoy. My husband and I did well together in spite of probably spending too much time together when we are not very stable. As par for the course he is in one of his remissions..but the cancer is always humming along in the background. He decided to surprise me with a gift of more togetherness for Christmas by booking the saturday after with an overnight stay, hot springs, massage, and facial. I decided it sounded good to me lol! The day was nice enough. At dinner I supplied some random thoughts I had as an opening gambit to explore how shallow he may be. I asked what goes on in his head...he said nothing. I said surely he must think sometimes? He replied really just work and sex. I said "surely thats not all you think?!". He made some joke which then veered talk in another direction (his work)and the subject was dropped. Now granted he was stoned..and obtuse! If I never mentioned it he smokes an ounce of weed a week. After dinner the plan was to take me out but after driving by a few places he reneged because there wasn't any place hopping..with other people. I privately found this irritating..why does there have to be a bunch of strangers around to have fun? However the weekend ended peaceably. Massage...facial..hot springs.sex ..it all wore me out. We connected physically.  I was tired and crashed early sunday night. Monday I was still tired...and tired of my husbands "man" shows on tv (cops, cars, pawn etc) so I escaped to my daughters room to watch a movie. Again peace reigned. Tuesday..that would be New Years...was not so peaceful. Started out easy enough. We all went to the movies. My husband had made some snide remarks...such as I talked about taking my girl to a kid spa and he commented that Id have more fun with her at a spa. Which I didnt get because we or at least i thought we had fun on our weekend. I offered to get him a cookie at subway and he asked "why are you being nice?" But I let these and other digs slide. After the movie my younger boy was rude to his brother and when I tried to reprimand him he laughed..unwilling to make a scene in the theater I waited until we were in the car then told him I wasn't happy with his rudeness.my son replied " you're always pissed" then I hear my husband chime in with " yeah youre always a raging bitch..why dont you find a new fucking life?" Hmm...I asked him "how have I been a raging bitch?"...he said I had been since we got back from our weekend but could not supply a single specific incident. Later I discover that apparently I was not sufficiently grateful or rewarding for his weekend gift - in other words what HE expected as my price for his gift was not paid properly. How that discovering conversation evolved I will share tomorrow...but lets just say salsa can cause a lot of angst!