Trick or Trick Season

 So when he got home yesterday I broached the subject of his behaviors and responses Saturday. First was that his poor comment at dinner made it sound like he stays for money. Fine - but be honest about it rather than this false love hoovering he’s trying to manipulate me with. He says he asked our sons if they were offended but when I asked if he minded if I mentioned that when I spoke to them he suddenly couldn’t remember who he actually spoke to and suddenly it was vague. Oh - this means he’s lying. Good to know but no point in addressing. I also addressed that when he jumped me about my phone not only did I tell him I was texting our kids but showed him. At first he looked blank and didn’t seem to remember until the conversation progressed. Early dementia signs? Anyways when I asked about him texting he refused to answer- and I pointed that out. I told him when I said wouldn’t move forward first any more and that change had to come first he answered that he didnt want to be roommates and that suggested he was doing therapy etc to manipulate me for sex not real change. What he could have answered was that he understood and was going to keep working on changing and learning to be respectful etc.. Somehow he jumped into semi defensive mode (deflect/divert) and we discussed cheating and lies though that wasn’t my intention-he brought it up. The conversation actually didn’t go bad. Mostly because he thought I was buying his bullshit. Also he decided to finally admit he was chatting with a woman who hit him up on Facebook. And he thought she was legit because they had mutual friends. But when she said she was looking for a soulmate he blocked her. I said why didn’t you show me? He said he was afraid of my reaction. Um if it went like you said then why would I? But he didn’t show me because it’s all lies. And I told him every time this happens it’s a reset to day one of him trying to work it out. He said that’s not fair cuz he’s not cheating. I looked at him and told him not cheating is alevel underground as setting the bar so far below the bare minimum. That’s when he diverted the conversation. But I’m onto that . So tonight when I got home I told him I had a request. I asked to see the messages he had with the fb woman. He said he deleted them. I said of course you did. You never have proof of innocence. So I said let me see your blocked list. Then we can also unblock her and I can see your mutual friends you claim she had. First he said she disappeared when he blocked her - I pointed out I’d be able to see her on his list. Then he acted confused about the mutual friend thing and denied it but when I reminded he had given me the names of the two friends he was like oh yeah I did say that. Then he did what a liar does. He had a fit. Yelling about me starting drama every night. Well ok - all he had to do was say here ya go and show me - no drama. But he couldn’t because he’s lying! I said never mind. And he ranted a moment about just wanting to come home and the he went off to his room. I actually am grateful for the timely reminder that he is still lying and cheating. I had a weak moment of not feeling the drive that truth keeps me in. He thinks he’s tricking me. And I’ll just keep letting him think it for now.

Early Winter

 No its not cold outside. Not really. But he did call me a cold bitch last week so theres that. Its snowing for my husband as In addition he is doing cocaine every day. Like I hear him snort it in his room. The 'tools' always show use. He has permanent sniffles he hasn't had before. Sometimes he tells me sometimes he lies but its pretty easy to tell. Even our daughter can see it and she's thoroughly annoyed by it. And he gave me some when he got home on Friday. Which I did not do. But even though I shouldn't care its still less that he can do so I took it pretending I would want it. Its Monday and he asked if I had any left...I said no. But I never touched it. He accused me of doing it when we visited our sons too "like did you do some I don't care if you did" but what he really wanted was to know if I had it on me so he could do more because he ran out. Same reason he asked tonight. So he could talk to his therapist on cocaine. Motivating reasons for me not to do it.

Awkward

So through semi effective non engagement such as gray rock we were 2 days into peaceful existence. Headed down to see our son at college. Fortunately our other son was going with us so I only had to avoid him initiating conflict for an hour of a 4 hour drive as he won't usually get too aggressive in their presence. So the day passed pleasantly. The afternoon and initial visit with our sons. Then we went to dinner. It was going fine - I had reminded myself to reserve myself quietly to maintain that. The subject of inflation came up and I was telling our sons about a house in our area that had a high asking price. I told them that meant our was probably worth similar. Completely unnecessarily my husband chimes in with "see we can afford to get a divorce then". And laughs. At the expense of everyone's comfort level at the table. I waited a moment - a bit flabbergasted then said "yup". Our younger son said "you guys...its been awhile I forgot for a hot minute how you guys are". My husband says "i was just joking". I have to say I don't appreciate my sons view 100% because I do not initiate comments like that. but because I don't lay down for them any more I get lumped together as 'you guys' behavior which feels unfair. In an aside I tell my husband so my sons can't hear that its typical for him to couch an insult in a 'joke' that's not a joke or funny. The rest of dinner went by fine - in part because I dialed my participation presence back even more to not invite any more uncomfortable comments for the sake of my sons. Later that night my husband and I were in our hotel room with 2 queen beds. I sat on one while he was laying in the other. He tells me "you can sleep in my bed". I glanced at him but didn't say anything. He persists..."what no answer?". I said nah I'm fine. Again he persists..."what? why not?". I replied that he had crossed my boundaries with the comment at dinner. He says "what comment?". Really? I mean really?! I told him the insulting comment about divorce at the expense of the comfort of everyone at the table that made it awkward. His reply "you say stuff like that all the time".  Me "No. I do not. I do not throw out the divorce word and I especially don't at dinner with our kids." Him "not like you've wanted anything to do with me the last two weeks". (avoidance). Me "In the past two weeks you have called me a bitch several times and thrown out the divorce word three times so no I am not going to respond to those. And that has nothing to do with the specific event we are talking about which is the comment you made at dinner. And projecting and diverting to avoid what we are talking about no longer works on me". He called me a bitch and told me no more talking. End of that. The next morning I answered a text from my daughter. It was early and I rolled over and dozed a few more minutes. Phone buzzed her answering me then I texted my son who had also texted me about coming to our hotel for breakfast. I glance up and see my husband laying in bed glaring intently at me so I knew it was coming. No way out. "I see you're wasting time on your fucking phone again" he says snottily. "you're such a jerk - I just texted our sons about breakfast and they are heading over soon and I let them know they need a mask for the buffet line...so yeah I'm just an awful person". "you're a fucking bitch" was his answer to that. I'll never be able to fathom abusiveness like this. And it can't matter. A few minutes later I see him texting so I get up and he tries to close the app...but I had already seen the green text bubble. I chuckled and said "texting huh?". Unlike me not only does he not tell me but he lies and says he was on Instagram. Im like nope - Insta doesn't have green text bubbles. He then proceeded to yell at me "I'm not going to fucking justify myself to YOU!". I said ok, chuckled lightly and dropped it. He avoided me and I avoided him after having breakfast with the boys so that was the end of that. Finished our day well enough. On the way home I was sitting in the back. Watched some tiktoks. We stopped for gas and I was commenting on a video -one about narcissism of course. He peers in the window then asks with a snotty smirk and attitude what I'm doing on my phone. I said making a comment. On what he asks. On a tiktok I answer. And I'm not going to justify myself to you. Yes - I threw words back at him but it's not like he can even recognize it. Went right over his head. It hard to impart the amount of accusation and rudeness implied in his tone in this pointless bullshit. Most of that trip back I dozed. Kept quiet. Once we dropped off our son I anticipated that last hour with massive trepidation but I was able to keep interaction minimal. When he accused me of not talking to him I spoke just enough monosyllabic replies to deflate the accusation and avoid being attacked. Imagine having to watch everything you say or do based on potentially being abused? Worked til we pulled into our driveway. My daughter had some friends over carving pumpkins. There were two cars parked there. He said  it looked like a bunch of people were here. I said oh its just two cars. That set him off. " a bunch a couple its the same fucking thing whats the fucking difference you always have to be fucking right." blah blah he went on but i grabbed my stuff mach speed and hustled to the house. I mean if its what the fuck is the difference why did he take a mild comment and transform it into some personal slight? Oh yeah - because he's a violent abusive sociopath. 

by the Numbers

I'm just gonna drop by numbers today since the daily has been such a progressive nightmare.

1. So the other night he was watching zoo porn. Not gonna say how I happened on that but ew. I mean how can you relate to someone who watches beastality? Where is that person in their sexual mind? Not loving or romantic. I mean yuck.

2. So I'm on my phone looking up parking for my job downtown. Not smiling. And he starts in on me with who are you texting and smiling at your phone? I answered I was looking at parking. but- Ok projection much?

3. Rags on me asking what the fuck is wrong with me because I dont see him arrive at my girls volleyball game or the text he sent 4 minutes before ragging on me. I remained unresponsive. In my head -Um sir Im not on my phone I'm at volleyball.

4. Calls me ranting about traffic. I stay blank so he hangs up on me. Calls again ranting about chiro appointment and traffic. Yells at me that I need to find him a different fucking chiropractor. Texts me to send him the chiropractors phone number - apparently he can't figure that out himself. 

5. A whole story - see next post.

Karma

So last Monday exactly a week ago my husband was in another car accident. Not hurt badly but relevant to why he stayed home from work all week. On Friday when I answered my phone at one point he was berating me for not answering and I told him I was working on putting some yard sale stuff away. "good. I'm tired of fucking looking at that shit" he said unkindly. I put some stuff in the back of my car to donate.  On Monday I didn't answer the first call because again I was doing chores - I am not tied to my phone. Again I was berated. I remained unreactive and in this dramatic situation I could even understand his behavior so I went straight into practical problem solving such as texting insurance etc to take some of that off of him. I got him an appointment with a chiropractor for Tuesday. He had some radiant heat panels he planned to sell and set up a meeting with the guy before the chiropractor. When he went out to load them he came back in the house and launched into yelling at me for having 'shit' in the back of my car and how was he going to 'fucking' load his panels with all that fckn shit in there. It went on for a couple minutes. When he finally took a small breath I said that its not a big deal and I would unload it and immediately went out and did so. When I came back in the house he went out to load them and when he was done said he had room for the panels and the stuff and did I want him to put the stuff back in. No apology for screaming at me for 2 minutes over nothing. So he loaded it back in and we headed to the chiropractor. He had set up meeting the guy half a block away and we got there and waited but the guy was late so we had to head to his appointment. Which pissed him off. He messaged and told the guy to meet us in a different spot a quarter block away but there was no parking and that wasn't where the chiropractor was at. I offered to meet the guy and take care of it but all of it infuriated him. And he began loudly berating me because he had to message the guy again. This continued all the way into the chiro office and as he checked in I finally said that's enough. If you want to me to meet him text me and I walked out. I did end up meeting the guy and guess what? He didn't end up wanting them. So all that and they didn't sell. After his appointment since I am not a doormat anymore I told him that's what karma is. He said I should have a bunch coming. I answered for what? And anyways he is my karma. Bad karma. When we got home he ranted about how he didn't have a vehicle and while I understand his frustration in this situation even though his ranting was partly directed at berating me. I didn't react but it certainly wasn't my fault! Wednesday and Thursday was more of the same. Berate me in the morning then ask for sex late evening. Then get attitude when I don’t show enthusiasm. I watched a two hour movie while he was on his phone. Didn't say anything. I then was messaging someone about rehoming a kitten and instantly he asks what are you doing? who you talking to? You're always on your phone. blah blah. This is constant. Every time. In this case I told him I'm sick of it. He had just been on his phone over 2 hours and I told him the difference is I don't say anything. Also I'm not always on my phone - he falls asleep or is on his phone every time he watches a movie in the living room -though he spends 60% of his time watching tv in his room. And 25% watching porn. He went with the whole "I'm just asking" theme even though his tone is accusatory most of the time. I said well I don't do that to you and I have more reason. And I asked if every time our daughter, or a coworker or ANYONE is on their phone around him if he asks what they're doing? No, of course not. So don't normalize it. It's more of his bullying to make me earn trust when he's the one that's done dating apps, cheated, called escorts etc.. I am done being bullied and demeaned. Yesterday our tenant came over and needed a ride to the emergency room. He had already said he wasn't going with me to drop off a kitten and some team dinner food to my daughter. I told the tenant I couldn't as I was on my way out but my husband could. There was a short discussion and my husband said “so I have to”. I said “well you don’t HAVE to” and I offered to take them when I got back. When we got in the house my husband proceeded to have a meltdown screaming at me for volunteering him - I told him he could tell them no. That I’d told them I could later. But he was super angry. I finally said fine I would just go tell them no. But he got even more mad - that would make him look like, well, who he really is! I opened the door to go tell them but the tenant was standing there about to knock so I told him “he’s having a meltdown about taking you and is not going to” then my husband comes out and starts playing nicely with the tenant even while admitting he was having a meltdown. I walked away and when he was done told him he should be the same person outside as he is inside the door and not pretend to be different. Then suddenly his story changed and he said he was planning to go with me all along I just didn’t ‘hear’ him. Whatever. I said sorry if he felt I volunteered him and at any time he was free to interject a no. Just another typical day of him yelling at me and me defending. So now it’s Monday. He walked in the door angry. And then couldn’t find his shop keys. I haven’t used them - he’s been home 7 days and I haven’t gone out and unlocked the shop. I’m not sure last time I saw them. But he started screaming at me and it went on. And on. Over 15 minutes. About how he hates his job. His life. And everything about it. I didn’t say anything just silently looked for the keys. No luck. I gave up and he yelled at me to keep looking and said when they were found that no one is to ever touch his fucking keys again. So much anger. It’s so exhausting. Then he went to his room for his virtual ‘therapy’. And became irate about figuring out how to sign in to it. And why didn’t it save. More fury. I calmly assisted and left. I was busy with this blog while he was in his room for his session. But he’s a loud person and I heard parts of his therapy. I’m not gonna deny it was invaluable. The majority is about me. Not how to manage his anger. Or addictions. Or impulses. And he changes the truth to manipulate the therapist placing as much blame on me as he can. And it sounds like his therapist buys it. She doesn’t know me. Or the story from both sides. I heard him tell the story of when he called the police and he lied about the majority of it. No real surprise. But it infuriates me. Why go and waste time and money if you’re going to lie and manipulate the damn therapist? He’s just using her to validate abuse. I’ve got to get away soon. When he came out of his room he came over and hugged me and said I love you. I can’t. I can’t choke on words that mean nothing. His actions are always unloving. I hugged him back but I didn’t say I love you. He said “no I love you back? You’re a cold fucking bitch. Fuck you”. I said “see- what you’re saying is exactly the reason I struggle to say it. You didn’t say it because you love me you said it to make me say it. And now you’re calling me names and showing me you don’t love me”. He started going off about how we should just end it and get divorced if I can’t say I love you. I’m like “nice job working on anger management in therapy” called me a bitch again. I said “good therapy - it’s getting worse. So much for anger control and actions over words”. He’s back to temper tantrums almost every night. Not that he tells his therapist that. Karma isn’t working near hard enough on him.

Stop the Weird

The amount of just weird reactiveness that doesn't abate is exhausting. I can't wrap my head around most of it. Again this morning he snuck into my bathroom - tiptoeing. Normally he stomps all over the house when getting ready for work with not a care for any of my sleep. I don't say anything though. Later when my daughter goes into the other bathroom he again goes through my room into my bathroom. He closes the door which is a flag since he would normally leave it open. He left the other bathroom door open while peeing when my girl wasn't home which opens to the hall. And my bathroom is through my room so there's another door so why close the bathroom door in that situation? Oh because he wasn't peeing. Again I can hear peeing -especially a man - in my bathroom. There's a 2" gap under my door right next to the toilet. And again it was like 15 seconds. Because he was putting the grinder he's using for cocaine back. He said he was out the night before...but just like before he's not. His latest bad habit I guess. I should mention that when he says good night and goes to bed if I stay up he comes back out at least 3 times...so quietly. Then he instantly looks around the corner to see if I'm on my phone. Again I don't say anything about it though. Just some more crazy in his repertoire. So today it was small weirdnesses. We went down to see our son to take him a car to borrow. Stopped to get gas. It was a pricey gas station and when we got out I said "dang we should have got gas at Watkins" (because it was cheaper and we had gone by it yesterday). This set him off for reasons that must have been made up in his mind. He got all insulted and started saying "oh yeah like its all my fkn fault we didn't get gas" and ranted a few more sentences. Until I  I point blank asked what his problem is. I had just said we should of got gas. Was only observing it was pricey. And that I had just thought of it because I hadn't thought of it when we went by Watkins! He inferred a whole insult out of a simple observation of a thought. So glad we were in separate cars. My daughter hates these interactions so with her there I am even more apt to let it slide which is again the choice I made. The day went by ok. Later at my sons we were getting ready to leave and somehow seeing his new apartment came up. I have been there before. My husband went one other time to get a couch. So I've seen the place minus one couch. It was the first time his sister had been there though. Then he says I hadn't seen it and my girl and I point out I had seen it. And he does the snotty head shake with finger quotes and says "well I guess you've 'seen' it then". My son shook his head and looked funny annoyed and my daughter told him to shut up.

stupid weird

Fools Gold

I'm really just trying to keep the peace. An impossible task. Even after a rough week. Its interesting that he makes this big claim of wanting to do better. Its supposedly why he's seeing a therapist. The past 4 years of anniversaries have sucked. Because of him. Even when I thought we were again working at this I've caught him cheating the past few. The bar is set so low that this year was better because he isn't cheating. That's it. Nothing else. Getting along or not I have learned to associate bad memories with this week between our anniversary and my birthday. You can see the lack of depth to his thought process that while he wants to work it out (he says) he made no attempt to replace those bad memories this year. Even if we're not getting along some reparation would have been in order. It shouldn't have mattered if he really wanted to change the dynamic. But I also know it wasn't on purpose. He just doesn't think of stuff like that. It wouldn't seem to be primarily about him so it isn't worth occurring to him. Anyways last night was Friday. After a week of distance I decided to make peace with the situation and with him. So after a decent evening watching tv (while he was on his phone the entire time) I suggested fooling around. I almost didn't because I had a few light drinks of baileys and last time the post mortem was about how I only want to do it with him if I'm drinking. I don't know what the difference is to him since his basis of positive relations is mostly sex based. So we went to his room. I hate to lay it all out there - seems personal and graphic but its too relevant not to. So we fooled around. Mostly foreplay. Him to me. It was actually good for me. But he never got hard. Was very small. After I was done I tried for awhile but he did not even get slightly erect. A total hour with no result. He has watched sex videos several times this week. I wonder if those worked for him? So I suggested a rest. Or maybe in the morning. He said he was sorry he was such a disappointment. That who wants someone that can't perform. He went on in this vein for awhile. I tried to empathize without emphasizing. I told him it was good for me and he said well you could have done that yourself you don't need me for it. This is because he used toys on me. which he promotes while we are doing it. Then uses it against me after. Said he was probably just tired. etc.. I also said how did he think I felt? Maybe it was just me he couldn't get it up for? That didn't work and he continued to say what a failure he is in the bedroom. These post mortems are such a turn off for the next time. Knowing this kind of thing will happen. He'll be mad and unsatisfied. And I'll have to spend an hour yanking on him with no success. Its exhausting. We ended up going back to the living room. Back on his phone he went. A few minutes later he managed to find the way to redirect blame. He viewed a video I made about him calling me a fucking bitch (when I said threatening to kill me is abuse). I had made a couple since that had nothing to do with him but thats the only one he cared about. He also never cares about the content - only about others seeing it. Like view it and say "gosh I'm so sorry I did that...my goal is to make it so you don't have things like this to post". Nah. Just worried it makes him look bad. Though I have never actually named him or said its my husband. So he says "well that will make it even harder for me next time". I ignored it. A few more similar under his breath mumbling complaints which I also ignored. Successfully evading any argument he was trying to initiate. An unusual result but good. I did tell him We went to bed and he said well maybe he'd come in my room in the morning. I said well I'll be there. Letting all the inflammatory behavior slide. Probably why it happens - me enabling. To avoid chaos. So this morning he doesn't come in my room. No surprise. I don't care either way. We ran some errands in town. All was ok. He had said he forwarded an email to mine on an engine as he wanted me to follow up with the guy. I hadn't gotten it so i asked him to forward it again to my yahoo mail. He texted just the guys email address. I told him all he did was text me and I thought he was going to forward the email so i had the details they'd discussed so far. He still didn't want to - said there was a few back and forth and how could he send all. Then wanted me to just email blind and tell the guy he's my husband or friend or 'whatever'. So yeah I'm somewhat exasperated. And why say it like that? So I replied "if youre worried it somehow gives access to your email it doesn't. Why would I want to go through all the info again?" His answer "That's nothing to do with it I'm not the one with all the opposite sex private accounts followers. Only reason for that is they know you in order to follow you". We then had an verbal conversation. He came out to as he was emailing and started typing. Then says "when I start typing in your email it comes up with all these other accounts and guys accounts its pulling up. Like tony (etc) ..do you know these men?". I answer "what - how would I know them its your email". He's like "they're coming up under yours". Ok yeah I'm getting a little edgy now by this craziness. I say " so you're in our yahoo account?". He replies "no, I'm in my gmail". (he had some tone here and I don't have access to his gmail). I answer " well that has nothing to do with my account - that's coming from YOUR account. Its filling in from your account. Your address bar has nothing to do with my account! Do YOU know any of those men?!" I chuckled very lightly and was a little snooty but really?! Then he says "well if it was women I'm sure I'd know them". Uncalled for bullshit as usual. I didn't say anything to that. What's the point?. A few minutes later he starts in on the follower thing again saying I have a "bunch of men" that follow me - because I have like 7 men who follow me on Instagram. That I don't follow back! Its a public account. I'm like "oh yeah because 7 men is a bunch (sarcasm) that I don't even follow back". His answer "you know everything I've read says a person who gets really defensive when you say they're cheating is cheating". Ugh. I didn't get mad but I did have enough. I told him " I'm not defending cheating we're talking about followers. And lets get this straight - I have not cheated. I have never had another dick in my vagina. Never had another tongue in my mouth. You have stuck your dick in someone's vagina and had your tongue on it right here in your room. We are not the same. I’m tired of you thinking I need to prove myself when you’ve cheated over and over. I don’t know why you’re seeing a therapist it’s a waste of money. Things are worse not better". He said something about therapy is for him but I told him I also thought it was to improve his actions and that’s not happening.And I walked away. I texted him at one point - not sure if it was before or after but told him to look at our daughters followers and say the same thing. Everyone has more that follow them than they follow. Also all of this is basic internet 101 not rocket science. I'm always amazed at someone who can single mindedly go through every aspect of how to hide cheating, track down porn, and find every dating site and not know simple concepts. He did a background check on my phone number thinking he'd find some stupid secret bullshit but when he got a call on HIS cell he asked me who it was! I was like type it in the search fkn bar. So anyways any peace I thought could be achieved was a fools errand. Me being the fool. And the idiocy of it is pure gold.