Restaurant Review

My husband is in Phoenix for 3 days with our 2 sons. And the two restaurants out of three nights that he chose to take them to? Twin Peaks and Hooters...how....unsurprising.  And he told them to keep quiet about Twin Peaks. As a side note..normally and in the past I have no problem with these restaurants whose hiring criteria are based on looks and boobs...however there is a history (previously posted). But even if there wasnt I would think twice about it - that these are the only types of restaurants he would choose. At home its village inn lol. Do you suppose he used the "wink"?!!! No fool like an old fool.

The Wink

Well here is an odd little thing that happened that is indicative of the alter ego of the person I married. Last night we were at a restaurant with our kids and my husbands dad. The waitress was probably mid twenties and pretty. I was sitting across from him and when she finished taking his order he smiled upwards at her, connected eyes...then winked at her. Now this is seemingly a small affectation and unworthy to note but that is an incorrect conclusion.  Why? For one he was face to face with me when he flirtatiously winked. And I've never seen him wink before - ever -..presumably hes usually more circumspect about it. He doesn't wink at me...nor my daughter so if it was a funny wink (not flirting) then it would have been evident at some time in the last 15+ years. Anyways my jaw dropped just a little bit and I looked at him and said "Really?!". And wow..you would of thought I accused him of grabbing her ass. He got all bent ..said he didnt mean it like that..I'm stupid..a bitch. And all I said was that one word with a disbelieving tone..not an angry one. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much! I have a worthy analogy as well. Earlier the same day we saw a couple we haven't seen for some time. The wife looked at us and said hello. Later my husband brought it up and said she had looked at him like "damn hes still good looking" and "he still looks the same". Now if he managed to infer that from a look then exactly how much more meaning can one assume is implied with a flirty smile and a wink?

Stale Mate

Wow...so its been longer than I thought since I visited my blog. Part of that due to some much needed space. I took a week long trip with my daughter to Montana.  A peaceful retreat...and some much needed venting to my step dad. He actually broached the subject having gleaned my need to talk from some of my letters. Reality came back with a thump upon my return. My husband wasn't exactly a dick but also didn't express much interest other than an impression of resentment at my "vacation" that he never gets. Did I mention my stepdad paid for the trip? And that his parents offered to take him to Hawaii and he declined?! I encouraged him to go but he felt they should have invited me too...but then who would have stayed with the kids? They didn't ask twice and went without him..and he was resentful of that - how stupid.  And his sister went - and shes a blast so he would have had fun. We actually got along fine after that in bed and out of it. It felt good if only it had lasted. Anyways a couple weeks later I then went to San Diego for a week with my younger son. Also relatively "free" since we stayed with my family. My son had a baseball tournament 2 days and the rest was just fun time. He tried to verbally abuse me over the phone during the trip but a quick hang up and no more answering calls fixed that.When my husband picked us up at the airport he barely said hi just like before. In the car he set the radio to blast and didn't ask us about our trip or anything. I mean who does that? You would think that free week to absorb all the porn he wanted would have made him happy lol. Later I asked to show him some pictures from our trip...he said "do you mind if we do that later..I'm just tired". Sure, I replied...but he never expressed interest - not even in pictures of his son playing ball so to this day hasn't seen any pics. He also expresses resentment that I get to go places and he doesn't - yet he spends around 400.00 per month on pot - I don't spend 50.00 per month on me - but if you point that out he will scream he makes the money and can do what he wants with HIS money. He still guards his phone. Takes it in the bathroom when taking a shower...its not like hes expecting a call. All he talks about is his job...endlessly.  Every night. The only almost real talk was during a walk. He mentioned that sometimes he doesn't feel like I love him and it would help if I showed him affection and touched him. I sorta grunted a hmm in response...not saying anything.  And he actually accepted that as an answer. The voice in my head had a few comments including recognition of the futility of a more in depth response. He didn't express the desire to delve into what was wrong...just what he wanted.  A real connection would require an honest discussion about whats in his head, where he's at with porn etc...i'm thinking his head is just empty of true emotion or being anyways.  The other day he asked what I was doing on my phone and I told him paying a bill. I asked "what do you do on your phone at 4am every morning? " & he's like "exactly what you think I'm doing". Well I don't think of it much...I'm past that. As an indication of his shallowness over the weekend we got free cinemax and hbo. The kids and I searches all the good movies and set them to record. He sees "Sexual Wish List" (porn) and says "record that for me". I did....I mean who cares? He recorded another one as well...its Tuesday and hes already watched them twice. Not while I was awake of course. So things are soooo stale. I'm not emotionally mangled. ..ergo not emotionally invested leaving me bored. Somewhat lonely. But not sad. Just different. Just stale. No mate.

Masquerading

In the book "Why Does He Do That" and in counseling my eyes were opened to the cyclical nature of a porn addicts and narcissists relationship.  I also learned the typical pattern and the patterns specific to my husband. His porn use Is peaking again...and I haven't "caught" him or checked up on him. So how do I know? Well first off I use my phone quite a bit. Several days before my phones monthly plan I often get a notice that Ive reached 85% of my data cap in our email. My husband rarely uses his phone around me...and yet with over 2 weeks of his month left a notice hits our inbox that he's already at 85%.
The 2nd flag is if course his disrespect. ..and the verbal abuse spiking. My last blog demonstrates that.
Yesterday he slipped his mask off to allow his true nature and thoughts out again. Unfortunately an episode occurred with my dog. This happened once before...she got in the house through a window unlocked...yes she opened it. She can toggle door handles, open windows...if theres a way she has will. She got in before and killed a bunny. Its a dogs nature. We got another bunny a few months ago. I have practiced Gestapo vigilance. .always locking windows, exterior doors and the interior door to the room the rabbit was in. Everyone was advised by me (lectured) that we needed to be extra attentive to this system. My teen was home from Thursday to Sunday in between baseball games and did his job well keeping the bunny safe. Last night I took my other son to practice.  I shut the door to the room and the front door. My husband and older son were both home. When I got back the instant I opened my car door I was blasted with my husbands rage about what a piece of shit my dog is, how Id better get rid of her on craigslist or he would. Or he'd shoot her. How I sell all "his" shit on CL and I should sell mine. Went on for several minutes as I figured out she'd got to the poor bunny. I then asked how she got in? He replied he left the door open and went outside for 5 minutes!  When I asked why he left the door open he progressed from rage to fury about how dare I blame him...and rocket launched a spray can at me which I dodged just missing my head by an inch as I felt the push of air through my hair.  There are a number of issues to this episode. One..yes the dogs to blame..but it is a dogs nature. And she chases bunnies outside all the time. She doesnt know the difference.  My primary beef is that she comes in the house without permission.  Underlying issues: Well he didnt want me blaming him...and yet he attacked me about MY piece of shit and used "you" and "yours" placing blame on me. He said Ive only sold "his"stuff...well WE bought it so its ours not his. And technically ive sold all MY horses. He threw an item at me trying to hurt me. Although I slightly and briefly engaged in minor verbal defense I did not yell or become het up so it didnt escalate...again I make better choices..its awesome! A year ago I would have cried. I did point out his dog he had when we met massacred an entire flock of chickens at once, several ducks, killed a kitten, and popped the eyeball out of my Australian shepherds head! Of course she was perfect and far better than the one we have now. And there is NO ptsd discussion. .I had a long learning curve but now know that it would resolve nothing. He is just too unreasonable.  It would turn into him telling me to look in the mirror. How im being hateful. Dont I love him. Blah blah. Of course I dont love him...duh! I know he doesnt love me...im not obtuse. I also know he tries to believe. .and pretend he does. I once read that the reason so many marriages fail is because one or both cant take the other seeing the person they see in the mirror.  Their true self and not the persona. No one can succeed in masquerading forever.

The Gift Exchange

It could be that my husband is not looking at porn as much. Doubtful. I suspect he just hides it as hes always done...he gets better at it as time goes by. But then again I dont look either. I haven't checked his phone in months...or anything else.  Doesn't bother me and rarely even give it occupied space in my head. Worrying about it was a CHOICE. I make better choices. That is a gift to myself. But the actions of others are not a choice...a frustrating reality. My husband has not changed and there are always reminders present for me to recognize.
We went to our sons baseball tournament in Omaha this past weekend.  Despite what I blog I did enjoy myself, my husband at times, and had fun but those details are not pertinent to this blogs objective. If my trip was based only on us I would have used misery as my descriptive word. He berated me over 10 times over the smallest stupidest things. I tried to get his attention at a dinner...said his name, tapped his shoulder, touched his head lightly and I though affectionately. He berated me over 5 minutes for touching his hair. Called me a "fuckin bitch". Told me he'd remember that and I'd regret it in a threatening tone etc etc. I said sorry but I don't think he heard over the cacophony of his own ire. He berated me at a game because I didn't have my sons trading pins in my pocket...why would I ? Twenty minutes later he started in again until I finally told him ENOUGH & that I didnt want to hear another word. I gave him my cash to get water and he didnt. Then 10 minutes later he tells me to and when I say he has all my money he starts arguing about it...until he finds the money in his pocket. No "sorry" followed that. He was giving me shit about a good looking man in a store...I gave him some back for several women hed struck up conversations with (as always) and he came unglued. ..calling me a fuckin bitch again. I later heard my son joking about this...acknowledging that his dad always strikes up conversation with any pretty woman anywhere close ignoring me. We both missed a street we needed to turn on but he ragged on me for a full minute for that. He stomped out of the room one night...I cant even remember what that one was about. I waited an hour for him to get out of the bathroom one morning. ..we can all guess what that was about! Then he yelled at my daughter to hurry the hell up. She was only in there a few minutes.  I checked him on that so he got furious and said he didnt give a fuck. He interrupted me almost every time I started talking to another parent...I didnt like it but walked away rather than look stupid competing to talk. He gave me a shove at a gas station knocking me into my son because I didnt notice the people paying in front of me were done..like 15 seconds done. He bullied me the whole trip peppered with abusive behaviors.
Who does all that shit? I cant even fathom why someone would want to. However Im sure Ted Bundy didnt think he was insane right?!
Then we get home and I believe he's truly baffled by my standoffishness. Once I mentioned that he bullied me during the trip and he looked at me like I was nuts. It was ignorant. 
I also had an enlightened conversation with my sons. They are fully aware of his defects - from his unreasonableness, to seeking interaction with women, to spending money, to smoking weed...constantly. It is comforting that they dont judge me because they are intelligently aware. They love him and think hes fun. But they dont think hes right or condone how he treats me in real life issues.
Anyways his behavior is the gift I cant exchange and have to choice in changing.
And if youre with this kind of person (man just didnt seem appropriate) then you can count on the gift of thoughtless self absorption.  I do lol.

Idealism is Not Ideal

My life continues to clip along without hues of calamity. I do have moments of introspective realism. My husband asked me last night why Im not enjoying sex every time though at times I do. There may be a number of factors. ..Im tired from long days of hustling to my sons basball games. Certainly I am physically at the beginning stage of menopause at late 40's. And confronting our troubles brought me out somewhat bereft of drive. Functional sex lacking emotional connection also makes pleasure elusive. Not that he truly wanted to know. I replied its not that...a simplistic answer at best but acceptable to him as he pursued no more depth than that. He is completely obtuse on the physical as well or perhaps is not willing to see me in the light of aging. Anyways the question did lead me into some intropect of my own mind. Ive come to see that I was always a romantic even when I believed I was a cynic. Forever true love, the white knight, dedication.  I wasnt raised with any romantic examples.  My parents were not there for guidance nor did I receive love. They weren't together even when I was a baby. My mother never hugged me or said I love you. Nor my dad on the rare visitations. I haven't had contact with my mom in 15 years. My dad occasionally. My first and only boyfriend was a liar and cheater. Yet somewhere my soul believed.  And throughout the troubles of my marriage that belief was tenaciously entrenched in my subconscious - fed by the first 11 years where it was fulfilled by my husband at every turn.  And with it I realize that because of that romanticism in my nature my emotions need to be engaged to enjoy sex. Even when that emotion was desperation or anger it still provided drive. And there is now none left to engage me. I may eventually surpass that limitation. I do believe its possible to enjoy the physical without the emotional. I used to read a lot. Sci-fi. ..and romance novels. A week ago I picked up a romance. In the old days I would digest these books in a couple hours with absorbed enjoyment.  I made it less than halfway over a weeks time and cannot muster enough interest to continue. This made the change in me apparent. I dont view it as a positive or negative change. Just a change that is. So...I haven't looked at my husbands phone. Or email. Nor care to. I see him ogle other women...kinda hard not to but I dont emote over it. The only comment of note in the past month was when my husband asked why I dont wear anything sexy any more. I simply answered it didnt matter when I did because he was into other women even when I did. My idealism was to his advantage but wasn't ideal for me!

Remission

Wow...its been over a month since my last blog. Thats not indicative of marital stability but rather a testament of my emotional stability.  As far as I know my husband is not compulsively obsessing over porn..or he could just be very circumspect about his useage. I cant state absolutely as my own concern with his actions has dissipated considerably. I no longer "check". There have been several occasions when he was  inordinately vicious to me...and acknowledged and apologized for it. There have been incidents where Ive seen him double check out a woman while with me. Only once did I mention it - only in a format of letting him know I saw it rather than with any rancor.  He has been much "better". At times I glimpse that he seems to think if he can "behave" or be the person he should have been all along that things (me) will just recover right back to what they used to be. I admit to culpability in this viewpoint of his. After our initial fallouts from porn I was able to revert right back into a loving supportive wife who could be hurt and cry. After he displayed disloyalty with the neighbor I did again. After more porn. Calling escorts..etc.. Every time I forgave and moved on - with him. Always going back to love and mostly trust with caveats . And every time it started again. There isn't really a straw that broke the camels back...but a final compilation culminating in his visit to the arcade and all the lying that accompanied it. I just dont have it in me to emote. On occasion I am aggressive in my defense or my daughters. My tolerance of unwarranted verbal attacks is at zero. But I dont actually get upset. Im pretty sure he doesn't love me any more - at least he doesnt show it. I get sol lonely. My husband thinks he can cure "us" but it is really about regaining control of me and hurting me and can never be the same. Its not a cure...its remission. The cancer is still there.

Counting Stars

I take it back - any impression I gave that my husbands improved was false. It is I after all that has tried to change for less trauma. Last night he got home from work and walked in the door cussing under his breath. Didn't say Hi just went directly into a diatribe directed at me about money and how he makes it and doesn't know where it all goes. I didn't comment. ..when he comes home in this mood (often) the animosity in the air is palpable and abuse just one false step away so fear keeps me quiet. So I let it ride and a few minutes later told him I had his dinner ready already.  He said good and left the room. I took this opportunity to retreat to the basement to play some games with the kids. After a 20 minute cushion I went back up. He was sitting smoking a cigarette.  I asked an empathetic question about his day at work. He answered irritably and short - not necessarily directed at me but certainly not inviting further conversation. He was quite friendly and pleasant to the kids so he had it in him to be nice..just not to me. He was pretty much quiet and morose so I left him alone since my approach had already been met with testiness. Interesting side tidbit is he asked if I had cigarettes. I told him no...I typically avoid buying as its helped me cut back..and I don't care if I'm out as I am close to quitting. His system is usually to smoke whatever I have left and leave me a partial pack while he either has a pack in his car or buys some in the morning. When I said I didn't have any I was internally interested that he didn't ask me to get his out of the car. It an expectation that I serve him usually - and I do to avoid abuse Nor did he bitch about not having any...so I checked and he did have a pack in the car - he just didn't want to share. And it pisses him off that I don't buy any so this was "punishment". He knows me so little he thinks being without would bother me? Its the peek into his small mindedness that's interesting! I should add that in my younger years I smoked. My husband did not. I quit when I decided to have my son who is 15 1/2 now. I didn't smoke again until just under 2 yrs ago when I took to the occasional smoke due to stress. So I'm not obsessed with smoking. My husband smokes pot - heavily. He also started smoking cigs with me - now heavily. Much more than me. He's also been harassing me to smoke pot lately which really annoys me...he'll ask if I want to and when I say no he'll say I think I'm too good or tell me I'm a righteous bitch...or he'll harass me trying to pressure me to. I used to...and will once in a great while but I've no desire to be a pothead! Anyways later he went to bed and I stayed up folding laundry. I also watched "gigilos" on Showtime.  Which got it interesting real fast! About 6 minutes into the show my husband abruptly opens the bedroom door. He proceeds to have a fit "I see you get to watch porn and I dont. Thats a fucking double standard"...& he was pissed as he stomped off and shut the door. I waited a minute then opened it and said..."you know I'VE never stayed up night after night for 7 hours looking at porn and have never made a list of hookers I hid in my boots. I'm not an addict". He said I get to do whatever I want while he cant (interpret he wants porn!). He then told me to shut the fuck up and he needed to get to fucking sleep. I obliged immediately and shut the door. Another aspect of the new me who makes her own choices regarding nonproductive interaction with an addict. And he is a twit on many levels. Gigilos is a 30 minute show. Ten minutes is commercials. 3-4 minutes is soft porn...just conventional banging with butt and tit shots. And my husband views my watching it from his own vantage point and its indicative of both his own mind and lack of knowledge of mine. I actually fast forward through all three minutes of "porn". Its boring stuff and not titillating.  I dont watch it because its a turn on...I do like the reality characters. And if my husband were to say "I know you dont have my struggles but it would help if you wouldnt watch that show"...well I wouldnt watch it. Its not essential or even important.  But instead he gets all righteous to find a grievance that will validate his right to porn...to do what he wants. Certainly he does have that right...just as I have the right to not tolerate it. He's always making rude jokes about me doing it with someone...like the furnace repair guy or making "jokes" about me having a boyfriend - or girlfriend. I find them insulting and have told him so...they are really just glimpses into HIS mind aren't they?! And how did I miss that this guy has an addictive personality and the depth and willpower of an earthworm? Cigarettes, pot, porn, the f word..at least he doesnt drink lmao!! So Im left counting the negatives like the stars.

Seasons Change

The seasons changing...and I continue to as well. No super drama has invaded my mind space which supports the theory learned in DV counseling that people only do to you what you let them. I continue to stand firm ground on my boundaries. Thats not to say life runs smoothly. .that has never been my fate. Last week my husband, daughter and I were walking to my sons baseball game where there were several fields. My husband pointed to a field and said "thats the one he was on yesterday". I replied "I think it was the other one". "NO, it wasn't..I know which fucking one" my husband says. "It was that one..by parking"...then he says "oh...you're right it is that one". "Yes...you don't have to be so...argumentative" I replied. Now I made a conscious effort to say it in a mild tone...and to my ears succeeded. However my husband called me a bitch, said fuck you then turned on his heel and walked off from my daughter and I. I did not immediately respond or react. He returned to our car. I waited for some time..more than 30 minutes at least. Then I went to the car (our sons game was not starting for awhile). I opened the door and told my husband please dont call me a bitch in public, in front of my daughter,  or at all. He replied "then don't be one" and again got out and walked off. This behavioral response is common for him if he's wrong about something damn near irrelevant.  Anyways I did not address it further for several days. Until he pressured me for sex. If I was on a date I wouldn't go home with a man who called me a bitch...of course he doesnt get that. Anyways I told him...again..that calling me names is unacceptable.  He said my tone was snotty. I said he should certainly say so then...such as "I feel your voice is rude"...not call me a name and walk away. I also revisited the porn. He makes his own choices and I can't change. Its interesting that he tries to placate me but often slips glimpses of his true thoughts. At first he was understanding and in agreement on porn and name calling. Then came the grins...like I was a joke. Some eye rolling. making fun of me, No eye contact. Then that he only looks at porn here and there. Then how I should look in the mirror. And how one day he wad going to meet a woman who was nice to him and leave me. Its exasperating - and exhausting to try to talk to someone so obtuse.  Here I am addressing specific issues. ..not once did I generalize,  call him a name, or threaten to leave etc.. Of course in the old days this kind of undermining attack worked. I would be hurt, cry, get emotionally fearful..whatever. I simply replied that talking to him was difficult and based on his theory I should then "threaten" to find a man who doesn't call me a bitch and leave him. Although it continued in this vein he began to backpeddle and it digressed into a mild and more reasonable ending without silent hate. But the glimpse into the window was there. And I stuck to my guns on the boundaries - NO name calling NO porn. End of discussion.  Do I think he will adhere to that? Of course not. But the consequences are clear. And my solidarity is also clear...I did not get emotional. ..not angry. Not hurt. Just confident. I call this progress. I believe he would call it confusing.  Which makes me smile. He appears to think I will become the hurt confused girl I used to be. I'm not that girl and I kinda miss her.

Impasse-able!

Ive been feeling the fallout of my blandness. Out of sorts like at sea with no waves. I recently had a flat tire and in dealing with it hurt a rib joint. The physical toll has dragged me down a bit mentally. My husband continues to strive...for what Im not sure. He has objectified women so long he is immaturely uneducated. He knows its a struggle but doesnt "talk"...so there is no connection. I have become a somewhat lonely person. And yet I am different and confident. Sunday I rose before my husband. Before my feet hit the floor he says "you making coffee?". I do think my irritation was disproportionate but last time he asked he whined about me making it before I took a shower...and didnt get up for an hour after my shower so it could have waited. He does make coffee every weekday...but I dont demand or expect it. Anyways I responded yes I was making coffee...but I definitely had a vocally annoyed tone. He then called me a bitch. I let a few minutes pass then firmly told him I apologized for my shortness...and that he should NOT call me a bitch again - I called him no names. He apologized. Fine. That said he is back at the porn. Less frequently, less vulgar. Google+ pictures..hashtag sexy. A few showtime movies ala Busty Coeds. And I have no hurt feelings. Its a very stale mindset. I dont feel my mate. Its an impasse...stalemate!

Missing in Action

My husband has taken action in an attempt to negate our problematic past. As I said he has done so before but never so earnestly. He is loving in spite of my continued distance. He frequently tells me he loves me so much and though I say it back I can't feel the conviction of it but I am willing to try so Ive given him my trust, my body and my support again.  He is affectionate without demanding reciprocation. He has not been porn shopping or ogling women. Hes been pleasant and apologized immediately the one time he slipped a little rudeness. I find it suspicious...the learned response I have but hope always wins. This is the honeymoon phase of living with a narcissist. So now that I "seem" to be getting what I asked for I am not satisfied by it. I've not put deep thought into it but it niggles...has he found someone hes talking to? Hooked up with? For surely its been my understanding that I could not possibly be the one to motivate him into love and happiness. So whether he is sincere or not I find myself on the emotional roller coaster of hope and no hope. It is a strange state of stasis. So regardless of his actions something is still....missing. 

Dumb and Dumber

Life has trolled along relatively uneventfully. Not because my husband has changed...but because I have..at least to an extent. I no longer invest in emotionally charged reactionary events. I still have the compulsion to be aware but it has become more about policing myself rather than my husband. I am vigilant against old habits that might allow me to be duped into old traps. Last week he recorded some late night porn on tv...noticed but not addressed by me. I know hes also used incognito and google+ to view porn at least several times a week - his idea of "better". I am steadfast in my residency in the spare room. Hes been relatively nice and feeds me the I love you's like the false salve theyve always been. So I thought I'd fuck with him like a bug under a microscope to test his squirm factor..and as a reminder to myself. I restricted content on our phone plan this morning. Predictably when he got home from work he was a prick. My son had baseball practice again so I thought he might decide to go again. I told my daughter she had to stay home and thought we'd go out to dinner while my boy practiced . Heck I even planned on Twin Peaks...I care enough to give him the rope to hang our marriage with! But he walked in pissed and told my daughter he wanted his quiet time and didnt want to deal with her. Then told me all he ever does is work and he sure as fuck doesnt want to go back into town for dinner. I did mention that since thanksgiving hes pulled 3 1/2 weeks of unemployment so he doesnt need to walk in the door irate about having to work - and asked if he just had a bad day. He told me I was acting like he hadnt worked all of january. My girl also told him my stepdad was flying she and I to Montana to see them this summer...my boys have been there but she hasnt...hasnt even met him. His response was a sour "must be nice all I do is work". Well thanks I replied..."your parents want to take you to Hawaii in March and all Ive ever said is dont miss the opportunity..it will be wonderful - so thanks for sending that back around” No worries...bye I said as I left with my son...and my daughter. When we got home at 10 he was no longer in a sour mood. Again oh so predictably...because he'd spent his quiet time watching his porn flick, jacking off,  and re-enabling his content on his phone. The movie i knew because when I left it was on start..and when I got back it was on start over. And I saw the phone account enabled. I didnt say much...only told him that I knew about the porn and that I knew he was being deceptive about "trying" and was doing what he always does which is lying better. Just told him I wanted him to know I was aware..and that he should be too. And that I knew the reason for his sour mood was his initial frustration at not being able to access porn. And his mood improvement was due to him solving the problem and having a veritable porn feast ( didnt use that word though ) while I was gone. End of "talk" so to speak..so no fight, non- confrontational. I just gave him the facts, the consequences, and then stepped away. I have been dumb...before but no more. And in fact he is much dumber!

The Evolution of Epiphany

When the average person hits their late twenties they think they have matured. In retrospect there is always a new learning curve and I think now that when Im 60  I will still be learning and maturing...just on the downslope of dying. Last night I felt the bite of my own insight. It was a small thing but its largesse is in its realization. My son had baseball practice. I grabbed a phone charger to take with me. Innocuous enough you may think but upon reflection the decision of what charger to take required more forethought in a ridiculous manner. There is a charger in the bedroom my husband uses to charge his phone at night. Theres one in the living room he uses in the evening. I was going to take the one in the living room...but I thought my husband was not going with me so after weighing scenarios I opted to take the one in his bedroom. Why? So he wouldnt get pissed that there wasn't one in the living room when he got home. and I could sneak the one back into the bedroom before he knew. I met him in the driveway and he decided to go with me. When we got home later I brought the charger in with me and set it on the counter but forgot to plug back into the bedroom. Later he heads to bed but comes back out and asks where the charger is. I say "oh over on the counter by my purse". Of course we go through the usual back and forth tally of no it isn't yes it is like verbal ping pong. Of course it was there it just didn't jump at him. As he walked into his room he says "I don't know why you have to fuck with my charger don't we have enough fucking chargers around here you don't have to fuck with the one in my room". Hmm..I didnt say much...just replied mildly and without rancour in my tone "fuck off". So in spite of the ridiculous depth that went into my decision the result was still abusive controlling and inappropriate. And I realized that as much as hes evolved into this threatening bully over the years...so have I. He doesn't know how to deal with me any more than I do him. I began our relationship free, secure, and open. As I evolved...actually lets say devolved, I realize that I began to fashion what I did in even the most minute things to protect myself..making minor decisions big in order to avoid the anxiety of verbal abuse. I catered to him..not realizing that it was a form of controlling behavior by him. In reverse I wouldn't have given a second thought to him taking ANY charger. Its my evolution that I have these epiphanies and see more clearly. And a step forward in changing my behavioral patterns in the future. Its demeaning to see these habits I've built up but recognizing them gives me hope and confidence that I can get back to me.

A Phones Battery Life

Just to be clear my husbands phone was charging last night in his room. He unplugged my daughters ipod in the living room to charge more...not sure if that was at 3am or 5am...either way where do you suppose all that battery power went?! I bet I know

Define Delusional

During one of our discussions I asked my husband if he realized that not one month had gone by in years that his porn hadnt touched our lives. He didnt really give any response to that specifically. In his thought process he has said he has looked occasionally but nothing like he used to and hes not gonna lie about it. Yet oh so recently wasnt he watching porn on tv and on his phone while whacking off? I dont think he can masturbate without porn. He is somewhat like Don Jon if youve seen the movie. On 1/7/14 he recorded a very low budget porn flick on showtime...he wanted sympathy the next day after work for being soooo tired...but of course I told him maybe if he wasnt up at 130 watching porn he wouldnt be so tired! Since my salsa blog he has tried to be loving and patient which is the standard manipulative facade to keep me off balance...and expectant which I find excessively annoying. He'll get home and after 10 minutes or so is like " how come I didn't get a kiss yet?" Um I dont say it but maybe because you almost ran me over with the car? And hes attentive. How does he think it just goes away..just like that? He is as good at lying to himself as he is to me. And on the 9th he was looking at women on his phone. And last night he watched the porn flick again. I still picture him on the couch, dick in one hand, phone in the other, porn on tv, and the whole thing is a turn off. Some nights ago he was having sex with me (no "we" about it!) and he starts repeatedly saying " you want me to fill you up? You want me to fuckin fill you up?". I found it distasteful and very pornlike. I told him so though more gently and his response was...thanks for ruining it for him! Ok, really?! Next time..every time..I'll just worry about how he ruins it for me. Then 2 days ago he comes in my room, wakes me and say why dont you crawl on top and ride me? I didn't "reject" him with a no - that has proven risky to my life.I just pretended to be next to comatose sleep..he knew it was the same as no but he could delude himself that it wasn't. I am not confrontational about the porn..he knows what I think and the damage its caused and chooses it anyways. I mildly mention it on occasion just so he knows I'm not stupid and hes not clever. But it is the point of this blog...for you, and me, to see what a porn and sex addict is like and what its like to be married to one. It is a world of delusion for him and a harsh reality for me.

We Dont Need No Stinking Salsa!

Well my title may date me...and you if you get the pun on the old movie line. To be fair to my image I never saw the movie but remember its popularity. So its puts me over 40 lol !
So the day after movie day me, my girl, and husband went to the grocery store.
First let me tell you how my imagination recreates this in a good marriage:
Husb "I grabbed some salsa"
Wife "We have some salsa at home"
Husb "Are you sure..I finished a jar"
Wife "Yes...we had an extra jar"
Husb "Ok"
Now...here's how it actually went in the reality of my marriage:
Husb "I grabbed salsa"
Me "We dont need it.we have some at home"
Husb "Are you sure cuz I dont think we do"
Me "Yes..we have a full extra jar"
Husb "Are you SURE?" (Irritated)
Me "YES..Im sure!" (Irritated and adamant)
Husb "You're such a fucking bitch all the time"
He then walks off and I can hear him on the next aisle call me a bitch again several times. I don't respond and we meet up again about 5 aisles later and finish our shopping. After 10 minutes of our 15 minute drive home I turn to him and ask "why did you feel it was ok to argue with me in the store but when I argued with you I'm a bitch?" His response was that I'm always a bitch, I've been a bitch, the kids think so...yada yada...turned into an entire diatribe about what a "bitch" I am...and by the way HE didn't argue at all...it was all me.(not) Whatever...I went silent. When we reached our drive I got out to open the gate...and he took off like a shot leaving me there in the dark and cold on our snowy 300+ foot driveway. I started walking and was just over halfway - he had reached the house - when he suddenly reversed...he was clipping along pretty good and as he got very close I suddenly realized he wasn't going to slow down o move over. I dived to the side as he clipped me with the rear corner of our suv nailing my hip. My daughter stated that he asked her if she could see me but there’s nothing wrong with his eyes. However it was a sequence of acts and temper that led to recklessly attacking me with a vehicle. Which completely infuriated me. When I told him it scared and hurt me he told me it was my fault for being such a fucking bitch and too stupid to get the fuck out of the way. It also led to the dirty laundry...he attempted to throw more verbal mud at me but I blocked that at every turn..and showed him for what he was by not throwing it back - for example I did not tell him the kids thought him temperamental and mean...though I'm aware my daughter doesn't respect or believe in him. He evolved into telling me he'd find a woman who was nice to him and be gone (go ahead I said!). He also told me to get a new life...well the list goes on but you get the picture. Both of us were looking up divorce lawyers on our phones. I moved myself into the spare room. I wasn't as angry over the argument as I was angry and scared for my life about the abusive bullying actions and threat to my life. Of course in our typical marital evolution he about faced..apologizing, taking responsibility, admitting wrong, begging, pleading...lets say yada yada again! The funniest and symptomatic part is the first thing he did when he got in the house was search for the salsa. and he declared I was supposed to give him credit for not tossing it and pretending he was right! We really didn't need the stinking salsa!

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

So another long break from blogging. This time because I have been stuck with my husband being home...and with the joy of the kids being home! Finally today I am by myself to retroactively add the pieces of December.
The flow before Christmas was calm, happy, and steady. Its a time of being busy making it the "season". I had a great time shopping different days with my different kids. My sons and I had a particularly enlivened intellectual discussion about science and religion...it was an incredible joy to experience them so deeply. I spent time shopping with my daughter...went to build a bear and the movie Frozen. These are moments of time I truly enjoy. My husband and I did well together in spite of probably spending too much time together when we are not very stable. As par for the course he is in one of his remissions..but the cancer is always humming along in the background. He decided to surprise me with a gift of more togetherness for Christmas by booking the saturday after with an overnight stay, hot springs, massage, and facial. I decided it sounded good to me lol! The day was nice enough. At dinner I supplied some random thoughts I had as an opening gambit to explore how shallow he may be. I asked what goes on in his head...he said nothing. I said surely he must think sometimes? He replied really just work and sex. I said "surely thats not all you think?!". He made some joke which then veered talk in another direction (his work)and the subject was dropped. Now granted he was stoned..and obtuse! If I never mentioned it he smokes an ounce of weed a week. After dinner the plan was to take me out but after driving by a few places he reneged because there wasn't any place hopping..with other people. I privately found this irritating..why does there have to be a bunch of strangers around to have fun? However the weekend ended peaceably. Massage...facial..hot springs.sex ..it all wore me out. We connected physically.  I was tired and crashed early sunday night. Monday I was still tired...and tired of my husbands "man" shows on tv (cops, cars, pawn etc) so I escaped to my daughters room to watch a movie. Again peace reigned. Tuesday..that would be New Years...was not so peaceful. Started out easy enough. We all went to the movies. My husband had made some snide remarks...such as I talked about taking my girl to a kid spa and he commented that Id have more fun with her at a spa. Which I didnt get because we or at least i thought we had fun on our weekend. I offered to get him a cookie at subway and he asked "why are you being nice?" But I let these and other digs slide. After the movie my younger boy was rude to his brother and when I tried to reprimand him he laughed..unwilling to make a scene in the theater I waited until we were in the car then told him I wasn't happy with his rudeness.my son replied " you're always pissed" then I hear my husband chime in with " yeah youre always a raging bitch..why dont you find a new fucking life?" Hmm...I asked him "how have I been a raging bitch?"...he said I had been since we got back from our weekend but could not supply a single specific incident. Later I discover that apparently I was not sufficiently grateful or rewarding for his weekend gift - in other words what HE expected as my price for his gift was not paid properly. How that discovering conversation evolved I will share tomorrow...but lets just say salsa can cause a lot of angst!