Before I get to my research studies Ill first mention another interesting narcissistic response proving yet again the imbalance and lack of any empathy my "husband" has. Two nights ago I met a friend for drinks. I havent seen her in 2 years, My daughter went - not only to get her out of the house but so she could dress nice and drive if I wanted a drink. It was a bit of a last minute plan and my husband had a dental appointment though she's not his friend so that's irrelevant. We left at 6. Later I received 5 texts in a row:
"where are you at" Is our daughter with you" "??" "When do you think you'll be home and why are you not answering" "guess you're pretty busy with "Adriana" (in quotes) too busy to text me I guess".
Madness I tell you. I texted back a picture of my friend at which point he said have fun. We left at 945 and got home before 10:30. He came out of his room kind of wandering around. We told him we had fun. Then he says "well you could have told me you were going out then I could have planned to go out". As if he hasn't gone out dozens of times without me. Fuck he dates and fucks other women! I looked at him and snapped you've gone out plenty of times with other women without me so I don't see the big deal". Since he's unsure of what he wants he decided this one time not to push the issue.
So for research I continued a bit with the fake texting. I asked him for pics which he obliged. I then responded asking if he was really 50 like his profile said but that I didn't mind 60 because I liked older men. "53 not fkn 60" was his response -That caused narcissist injury! Well deserved. The next research process was I told him I wanted to have a brief discussion. As usual he rolled his eyes and said Oh God. Nothing emotive is ever allowed to be brought up - because his self esteem is non existent inside where it counts. So I told him it was nothing bad not and just that I wanted him to know that I had made a conscious choice to be okay with his porn use and that I understood that he was fully entitled to do and be what he wants. I added that I had never really had an issue with porn - it was just sometimes the amount and type that gave me pause - that child and teen porn is risky behavior legally (so I left any moral implication out of it). I told him I usually try his door handle before knocking and the other night I knocked first and that in future I would try to remember to be consistent about knocking. He did not need to announce hey I'm looking at porn - but there was no need to pretend it was something else either. That it was all good. Then I hugged and said see, not so bad and left the room. He looked lost.
And my final little bit was on the way home from the store I mentioned I was curious about something.I said well so you told me you love this other woman(skank) and that you planned a future. If you were moving in with her I just wondered what that looked like to you? I mean you love your privacy and your room (didn't say it but you hiding place and your porn). He got a little pissy but how much could he get - I was being very very pleasant in manner tone and words. His response was I dont know where the fuck you get this from I never said I was moving in with her. Well not sure what a future means to him then, And I responded well oh I must have just go that wrong but I was just curious then on how you see you living? I mean you pretty much kicked me out of your room this morning. And your entitled to want you privacy. (side note we had sex last night and I slept in his room - he never comes to my room however). He ignored me with no reply and a couple minute went by. Then I smiled met his eyes and touch his shoulder gently and said "we should note you never answered my question though". He replied "so I'm not gonna give you a 5 year fucking plan'". Im not asking for that I told him - I just was curious as to your vision. "I don't fucking know" he said. So i ended by saying okay thats fince you are entitled to feel that - there is not right or wrong answer to the way you feel. I just wanted to ask and there's no pressure for it to be anything but how you feel".
But of course there is. Eventually a woman wants commitment. I cant even get that from a man I married 23 years ago. There are reasons I am hanging on for hopefully what will be just a few more months - no more than a year. We're home and as par for the course he went to his room to watch a movie. I live alone already - I have no reason to think I cant adjust I will just be without the drama - drama he said he didnt want but starts himself daily. He said his one thing he wanted was no drama - but the other days when his firestick wouldn't work he had a meltdown of hate. I texted him after and told him "glad you got it working. Im glad to help if I can anytime but without the drama plz". Not that he ever acknowledges he starts drama. He just came out - really just to see what I was doing. I added a little Baileys to my coffee on this cold day and he's like drinking huh? Why not I said? I live alone. He scoffed at me - live alone huh? And I said well pretty much - I just mean I spend a lot of time out here while everyones in their room. So off he went back to his room thankfully. Buzz off fuckface - I'm done researching what a POS you are for today.
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