Marriage to a douchebag!

So the story goes...we are stable but I know it can only be temporary. A couple weeks ago our team had a baseball tournament. The first game there was a rule issue. I told my husband, the coach. He didny want to address it. He was in a negative angry attitude anyways. He wasn't talking to his players and I admit I became irritated with him.The same pitching violation came up in the 2nd game and I showed him the rule in writing. He took the umps word though and so I dropped it. He again came up to me between innings and told me he wasn't going to object so I said fine. The next inning he came up again to tell me I was wrong and I told him "quit talking to me about it". And yes I was irritated but I didn't yell or argue. As he walked into the dugout he raised his arm and flipped me off! This pretty much put us on non speaking terms. After losing the game he left the field abruptly...didn't talk to his players, his sons or me. He was also rude to one players grandpa. This led to a lovely modern text argument as I texted him and told him his behavior was inappropriate and embarrassing. Of course his response was that I'm a queen bitch and fuck you. The next day I took my younger son to his other teams game. My older boy and another player/friend was with me. Our team had another game as well I texted my husband and asked him to pick up the 2 boys on the way so they would be with him for warm ups. He was extremely rude about it as in " so now I have to fucking stop there too?". When my son was done with his game we headed over to the other game. I kept quiet and a low profile. The next day more games. I adhered to my low profile. The only time I spoke was when my husband was substituting a player...I keep book so I asked him who he was subbing as he walked by..he tells me "just calm down, Ill get it to you' accompanied by pushing his hands down. I wasn't in the least bit "uncalm"..all I did was ask! Keep in mind that all this behavior is very public and in front of player parents. The next game my younger son was playing with his younger team at the same time on fields that were back to back with our team. My husband didn't walk over with me...of course he walked to the field with a tall blonde he'd been ogling all year. I gave the book to another parent and chose to just watch both games. My husbands teams game ended first so I was sitting in the bleachers watching my younger son play. My older boy came and sat with me...but my husband didnt. The tall blonde was standing near the on deck batters ring. When my son was in the ring my husband went up to him and the blonde stepped back about 10 feet. Now here is where predictability comes in...I knew what he was up to. As soon as my son went up to bat my husband stepped back..you guessed it...10 feet so that he was right beside her. He proceeded to strike up a conversation with her...laughing and smiling for 15 minutes with her. He never spoke to me. Surprisingly we didn't fight about the day..not then anyways. I've learned to keep my mouth shut if I don't want to get screamed at and bullied. And since we were in separate cars not on the way home. What brought it to a head was the next morning when I got up and he freaked and shoved his phone down...said he was looking at something inappropriate on it..i said let me see...and he said no and shut it down. Says it was porn...but how do I know? Probably some secret email. This caused a total meltdown that brought all the weekends filthy laundry out. He said he was done with me and I agreed. I did bring up the tall blonde and his response was "I will bring her home and fuck her right here". Iv'e been sleeping in the spare room since. And yes hes done the whole apology, iv'e been an ass, i love you, ill do anything speech since then...but things can never go back to what they used to be. I did forget to say that at our 3rd game the same rule violation came up...this time it was the other team calling US on it though..and it was upheld! Turns out the director got wind of the other teams getting away with it and said no more of that! Yes I was right...but I never said I told you so. Anyways our argument lasted a couple hours...my husband told me to get the fuck out of his house...he thinks he has that right because he works and I don't. He fights with evil intent...to wound and win. I never retaliate in the same manner...I address his behavior and my feelings but I don't turn around and say I'm going to "fuck" someone. I married a douchebag...I don't know if he was and hid it well or if hes just become one but either way thats what I have now. Ive shelved it for now because I cant deal with it constantly...I have to take time to enjoy life -- and I do. But the rope is very short.

Sniper!

Although I find myself blase about it my husband has now taken the sniper attack mode. Tiny verbal digs throughout the day centered around sex of course. A man on tv ...even just a commercial..with a shirt off elicits "bet you wanna watch that". Comments about my lack of sexual desire abound as well...which he wont listen to when I try to communicate its there but need nurturing. Then he tries counteractive behavior by reaching to hold my hand or telling me he loves me...and I do it. The love and desire come back. I'm also afraid of him. I never know what will invoke the abuse. We dont talk...I wont initiate because it would evolve into an attack on my humanity. He doesn't talk because he doesnt want to hear it. Zero communication equals zero resolution. And I find it hard. Since he vowed respect in our marriage he has visited personal ads for sex, gone to.sex arcade, lied about getting off work early, lied about where he was and is now back to staying up half the night recording and watching porn and cruising his secret email under  his alter ego user name "JD" (yes I know that).. Interestingly

Good Mourning

First I should mention that my blogging has become sporadic...not because things are great but because my level of acceptance has plateaued. I try to no longer emotionally reactive and try to keep the peace. I think he feeds off of or enjoys my pain - why else would he do it even after things get better? I do get pissed...but I dont get upset...crying just isn't an option. Yesterday I rose early to get a drink...am early. This is usually a time my husband gets ready for work while I sleep another hour. If you consider getting ready involves using his browsers incognito option to shop for women anyways! As I walked out the phone went between his legs. He said "yes I'm looking at something I shouldn't". I asked to see and he emphatically replied "NO". We went through the usual hiding, sneaking, lying repertoire. He even stated I should believe him when he said it was just porn and only a few times this month and if that were true and the only thing our relationship would be fine...I will never wrap my head around how he thinks I should trust his word. I mean I will never figure out how he is unable to think things through. I told him I don't know him...and did he think if at the beginning he'd told me he lies and is a porn and sex addict along with being mean and abusive and a cheater would I have married him? I had to answer that by the way. He also wanted credit for immediately "confessing".what do I care? Doing the right thing in the first place is the only commendable action. Besides I am sure it was either a hookup site or or more likely a nice little secret email chat with some lonely mommy off craigslist. Not a good morning..but not bad as Im no longer in mourning...