Evolution

When I began this blog it was more about my husbands infidelities and sex addictions that is accompanied by abuse and the pain and doubt this gave me. Then it became more about just the abuse. As time passes it seems to involve insightful and factual abuse incidents and a correlation to narcissism. After a brief and typically deceptive reprieve of things going well and our relationship somewhat enjoyable the basic craziness returns and it always shocks me that he can't recognize his own mental instability.
So to the facts...
Incident one.We had someone come dig some trench. My husband marked the dig lines but wasn't there when it was done. I had the guy dig another 8 feet away just to be safe however the marks were so far off some lines were cut. Initially he blamed the contractor. Then blamed me...blame is a big thing for him. Eventually I defended which earned me some verbal abuse and the you're a bitch speech. Nothing new there. I wasn't inclined to blame but in defense it became relevant. So on my day off I dug my ass off around the line so it could be repaired. My husband got home and walked right on by me in the yard. Not a word not thanks no help. So his small middle aged wife is doing mans share. Fast forward to the next day and fairly he was actually digging since I had not done it "right".  He came in a bit later pissed and complaining because our tenant had walked right on by him without offering to help or thank him. Ah the new me mildly and in an even tone pointed out that in all fairness he had done the same to me. That also earned me being called a bitch and questioned as to why I was running to defend the tenent..sooo point missed of course. Incident two. A few nights later I was working on some post holes while he talked to an electrician..then I hear him yell my name and "get the fuck over here". Mm.no. I will not when you ask that way and do NOT talk to me that way. He backed off but it's interesting because usually he fronts with those outside our home..his mask is getting harder to keep in place.
Incident three.  He was backing out of a parking spot and I said "someone's behind you'..and he was "you know I can fucking drive I'm not fucking stupid" etc etc. My daughter told him you don't need to be a jerk..and I told I wasn't commenting on your skill or insulting you I was just letting you know. He called me names under his breath and I just shook my head a bit. Incident four.I had headache and asked my girl if she had ibuprofen. She said no and my husband says "I don't have ibuprofen but I have Advil"
 I reply that's the same thing so that will work. And yet again he got all offended and stating it was unnecessary for me to say anything and if it had been him he wouldn't have. And again I had to explain my lack of intent to gravely insult him. Do I even need to explain why he called me a non stop complainer and how I'm always fucking complaining and a problem in s vicious tone to a Home Depot clerk? Irrelevant but evolutionary.

Show Me the Meat

One thing I have learned from my narcissist abusive husband is that narcissists are never happy. They can be righteous. Angry. But nothing is ever enough and they remain dissatisfied. Most recently I have adjusted my routine to avoid the abusive wrath that doing nothing still seems to bring about. So in the mornings I try to remain in my room...if I'm lucky until he has left for work. He considers this a personal affront even though when I present myself in common living areas he verbally attacks without cause or reason. Indeed sometimes that happens even when I stay in my room. Yesterday was one such day. Over the weekend we went to the grocery store together. We didn't buy much. He didn't say much. My debit card is lost so I don't have a card or checkbook to purchase and he knows this. Monday morning I step out of my room...to the immediate onslaught of him going on about how wed on't have any lunch meat and he can't believe he has to go the fucking store before work. And if he'd known "we" weren't going the grocery store again he would have bought more...etc blah blah. The implication being that "I" didn't go to the store. He went into town...he's certainly old enough to go to the store. I hate it when he does but he still could have. I hate it because he buys lunch food and crap food (chips, candy, junk, cigarettes) spends over a 100 bucks and we still have nothing for dinner. But I digress...he still could have picked up lunch meat any time over the weekend - including when we shopped. But then what would be have bitched about for 5 minutes on a Monday morning? As a side note I also knocked a deer into next week with the front end of my car. Again I adjusted/controlled my actions to avoid instant abuse. In a normal marriage I would of course call my husband first seeking sympathy, empathy and concern. I knew my husband would just be mad. So I waited a couple hours and then texted him. I texted him because I figured he would have adjusted to the information by the time he got home and not be as angry. But he called...annoyed that the car might be damaged he only wanted to make sure it was driveable. He then complained about vehicle issues and then went back to work. So no...he did not ask or display any concern, empathy or regard for me as a person. A narcissist only thinks in terms of what affects them not others...whether its lunch meat or a car accident.

Small Talk

On the way home from seeing our son thre was a mildly awkward silence. Things hadnt gone perfectly because I had dared to discuss a matter in which my son had lacked integrity. Since my husband favors this son and it upset my son my husband had stated (during the conversation) that I really fucking piss him off. So while we wern't arguing the atmosphere wasn't entirely comfortable. At about an hour passed when my husband asked "you seem in thought. What are you thinking about?" Nothing I told him. He persisted asking me a couple more times. Finally I replied that I was thinking about the conversation with my son and that while I didn't mean to upset him and was sorry I had it also was necessary to say. And that I didn't think it necessary fir him (my husband) to have reacted that way. Hard to depict in writing but his words had been delivered with gritted teeth and he bulled up towards me with clenched fists. Anyways my answer elicited a response I am usually beware of...the why do you have to be such a bitch.. why can't we have a normal talk about the weather...or how was your day. I responded that I misunderstood..I thought when he asked what I was thinking about he actually meant just that...apparently it really meant I was supposed to make small talk. But at least it opened his door to telling me what a bitch I am.
As another interesting note...I had asked for a quote for some work on facebook. In private messaging I told the guy his price was too high. So he posted on FB how I was a mean and nasty person. Another man commented that I sounded like a cunt. The inappropriate (and very unproffesional) was deleted by admin. I was telling my son about it and my husband was like "you didnt tell me he called you a cunt. " and suggested he woild have done something about it. But it was fact when i said i didnt day anything because you've called me a cunt more than once so why would I think you'd care?

Tupperware Trouble

If I haven't mentioned it my husband and I have had separate rooms a year. A few days ago I was sleeping..it was 530am and not quite time for me to get up for work. Suddenly my door burst open and I woke to "where the fuck is any fucking tupperware?" being yelled at me. " we never have any fucking tupperware. You use it and then leave it outside. Its fucking bullshit". It went on for a bit. No answer from me - when you live with a narcissist you have to be careful with every response, everything you do or say - anything else is an invitation to receive more abuse.
For example....
Saturday we went to see my son at college. Its a 4 hour drive. by the 3rd hour he was on his 10th cigarette. Knowing that any mention would bring a hail of abuse down on my head for 3 hours I resisted any comment, reaction or action. Bur on cigarette 10 I couldnt take it any more. I attempted to crack my window. But the window lock was on  so I couldnt. He asked what I needed my window down for. I'm like " I cant believe you wont let me crack my window if I want to? Whats wrong with you?". His response was that I didnt need my window down. "All my smoke is going out my window. You're not getting any fucking smoke over there. More will go over there if you roll your fucking window down. I'm not having 80mph wind going through the cab just because you want the fucking window down" etc. I am probably under quoting the f bombs. an argument ensued...while peace is lovely it isnt peace if its at the cost of tolerating abusive controlling unreasonable behavior. Again I told him I could not believe he would not "allow" me to crack my own window if I wanted to, that I would never do that (that is blasphemy to a narcissist). His response was to roll my window and his  down completely although it was cold out still with the window lock on so I had no control. This was huge. I did not let it go. Which of course granted me the benefit of being called a bitch. Told to shut the fuck up. That I never fucking let anything go. And on it went. I will NEVER go anywhere with him again.

Another happy birthday 

BTW

By the way my husband finally did go out on that date he tried so hard to plan. I had to work late on Sunday. He went on about going somewhere but not really stating where all day. I told him go ahead - I'm going to be late. I didn't ask though I know he expected me to. The stymied abuser is lost. I had to drop my car at a mechanics and told him my daughter could meet me but he met me anyways. We got back home at 8pm and at 830 he went out..on a Sunday night. Because theres so much to do with 'buddies' on a Sunday night (sarcasm). Its a testament to not only my clear conscience but my indifference that I have no idea when he got home. In the past his vehicle pulling in would have woke me but whatever the time I slept through it unperturbed. This morning he was out of the ordinary acting kind so i can infer from that that his date went well.

Knowledge is Not Key

Did you know that as a husband if you make more money you are more entitled? You get to spend more on things for yourself than anyone in your family? I meant a lot more. You also don't have to contribute to household maintenance, chores or cleaning? If you do pick up something once every few months your wife should be exceedingly grateful. Also you have bought her tolerance - your income means that she should be grateful that you deign to support her and therefore should be allowed to say whatever you want while she remains suitably grateful. Your income buys you a free pass to verbally and emotionally abuse your wife and threaten destitution should she not accept that bullying as your right. I was not aware of these inherent rights given to my husband until after we married. Its appalling that the information was not shared. I am still glad I married him as I appreciate the existence of our children and I still love the love I got to experience before he changed but.....

Broken Promises

After taking the time to set up his potential absence yesterday my husband did not go our after all. He mentioned it..and mentioned "no one was texting him back" .  Since he only has one sorta buddy from work who is our sons age I can only imagine whose text he was waiting on. We went together to pick up a stove..and as usual the entire ride in the vehicle involved him going on and on about how he is the best at his job and how he wants something easier and how he knows why they give him the most difficult work - because hes the only one that can do it. This goes hand in hand with him going on about what great shape hes in and how everyone thinks hes much younger. I nodded and agreed - thats the peaceful path for us and one I am always trying to achieve. Once during the ride he was talking and I turned my head towards him. He immediately accused me of giving him a dirty look. I had sunglasses on and I actually didnt look directly at him. But in his own mind I suppose he thought I was. And he assumed it was a dirty look because at some shallow level he knows what he is. Now I needed to get picked up at 6pm tonite and he says hes not sure he'll be available then and might be out. He's not a shopper, stores mostly close on Sunday by then...so again who knows. I asked him what time he was going and he  said " i dont know she hasnt texted me back" he didn't elaborate and I didn't ask. I wonder if he thought I would? Or are these just passive aggressive threats? How much more does he really need to hurt me?

Happy Anniversary

Its that time of year again...the time when my husband celebrates our anniversary. Typically with obligatory roses and a date - with someone else. The day was yesterday so he was at work and my daughter and I spent the day together. Shortly after receiving a happy anniversary text from his parents he remembered to tell me lol. In a spurt of originality he bought me a neat rose submersed in a vase and a small plant. It feels like he did it because he should not because he wanted to. Id give up that for a calm happy daily life. But the lead into this week exemplifies his usual standard lack of care and lack of awareness of the date. Culminating Thursday night when he informed me he is going to go out and go out drinking and spend a lot of money and just wanted me to be prepared. I really didnt say anything. When he got paid friday he took out 250.00 cash so apparently plans to be generous and get a nice hotel for whomever hes going out with. In the first 10 years I think we drank alcohol together maybe twice a year ...usually on an occasion. Housewarming party...some out of town wrestling tournament at a hotel with a bunch of parents..family reunion. But very occasional. In the last two years hes become obsessed with the idea of going out drinking. He also drinks at home every weekend and never did that before. He acts as if I changed..but of course he cant identify his own inconsistencies. We did drink before a concert two years ago...and he treated me like I was his wing man while he bought younger women shots and chatted them up. And hes always leered at women everywhere we go. So Im not so inclined to party with him...and it wasn't a factor until recently. And its not about going with me - hes not interested unless there's a lot of people (ie women) around and its busy. So anyways hes always talking about wanting to go out drinking - not just go out. Last weekend I was going to suggest 1up which is a pinball bar. I’ve tried to suggest going out that isn't just drinking. But before I could he started going on about going somewhere with a guy from work to drink. So whatever. The guy is like 22...my husband also thinks at 51 he needs a crotch rocket motorcycle. In addition to his other problems he isnt ageing gracefully either. Anyways he also talks a lot to see if he can get a reaction. It doesnt work. But we"ll see if he follows through with his big plans...it would be rude of him to blow his date off now wouldnt it?!

Let's Do Lunch

Again my husband became angry over some trivial moment where he felt justified to again verbally abuse me in the usual fashion...the name calling etc. He opted to toss in a little extra in an effort to offend or make me feel...I dont know - wounded? He doesn't think it through with any reasoning just spews out like word vomit. As a little historical set up when I took my daughter to visit my stepdad a few years ago it was at a time I needed to talk. Needed to hear reason. I don’t turn to other men. My husband is aware of that and has been forever offended that I shared my feelings and problems with my stepdad. So his little extra tidbit was that his cousins wife Suzanne asked him what was up with our marriage...since he's had no compunction over the years in being rude to me in front of his family its obvious something is up so the question is believable. Then he states "so I told her what a bitch you are and how you hide money and she thought that was fucked up". My response "yeah..did you tell her everything? How you're addicted to porn, cheat, talk to other women, chased a neighbor, hurl abuse at me - all of it? Or that you knew very well about me getting a small work comp settlement which I saved to buy our son a car? But that you can't remember anything that doesn't involve you?" he replied yes...but of course he didn't. He fed information to get the response he wanted rather than honest feedback. And as a side note he has idolized her with lust since the first time they met. Narcissists don't tarnish their own images. That's if she really even asked him and if they really even had a conversation. Either way I can't say it perturbed me - I don't care what his cousins wife might perceive and can't be bothered with imaginary opinions.
It did however make me think...what if someone asked me that question? What if I ran into Suzanne and we had lunch and she asked what was up with my marriage? So lets reflect..lets have that lunch:

You know I really don't think I ever knew who I married. I think I married what my husband wanted me to see and what I wanted to see. And that enthusiasm..that romanticism lasted for almost 15 years. . I was super happy with him. We never really fought..just a few odd little things but nothing I thought twice about. I was telecommuting so used the internet at home. So sometimes he'd go on the internet and again I didn't think twice. But after awhile i'd go online to work and all this stuff would pop up..porn links. Some stuff coming into our email. And I finally asked him hey you looking at porn a lot? He'd answer no. More stuff. Ask again. Answer no again. Then he started coming to bed much later. Later and later. Then getting up really early. Heck he was only sleeping a few hours a night. Claimed he had insomnia. I looked into my computer and realized he was looking at porn a lot so I told him he seemed tired and was sure spending a lot of time online. I still didn't think it was a big deal - I mean guys look right? So I didn’t make a big deal out of it. He sorta tapered off but after awhile it got worse. He'd stay up til 2am online then get up at 430am. I looked into my computer again and was horrified at the amount of porn - it was more than whats "normal". I confronted him and he agreed and cut back. And all was good again. This happened over and over and each time he went back it was sooner and worse. By this time a couple years had passed so in between it was good. The stuff he looked at at first was mild like naked women.  I tried joining him so he'd watch with me but he'd treat me like I needed to be like the women in the porn. Then he worked his way up to orgies, shemales, gang bangs and teens. So now I'd confront him and he started telling me I had a problem and we started to argue about porn all the time over a couple years. Then one day I discovered a secret email he had - exchanging emails with women and trying to hook up. When confronted him he'd call me names and minimize it then repent. I did a lot of crying. |At the same time he started being really abusive - emotionally and verbally and sometimes physically - he'd only grab or push me or just get really in my face calling me a bitch but its all the same. I remember a summer of staring out the window of the truck - must of been around 06 - all summer crying all the time. One time his auxiliary gas tank wouldn't work and he started screaming at me that I'd done something - I hadn't touched it. He spent 10 minutes yelling at me about what a stupid bitch I was. Another time he made a mistake leaving his phone at a hotel - he tried to blame me and when I said it wasn't my fault he grabbed my phone out of my hand and chucked it out the window. Always in front of our boys. Then hed repent and be better for a few months or eventually just weeks and I always bought it back then. One day he was moving snow for a neighbor and I went to get his winter boots for him because I thought his feet might get cold ...and found a list of hookers - even a tranny - off backpage in his boots! He had star ratings and phone numbers. I was grossed out - and hurt. We made up but it changed things - it just went too far - he even lied about it at first.  I checked his phone calls and he had actually called hookers. He finally fessed up when I told him I'd called them! Then it got better for a bit...kinda up and down cuz he always went back to porn. We did have some good times - that always lulled me into being ok. Then in 08 or so he started this thing with a neighbor - mostly him but she enjoyed her influence over him. He came home once and went to her house not ours...supposedly to get some crank but when he came home all he did was rant cuz she didn't pay enough attention to him which annoyed me. Then her husband left and they were losing their house..she also already had a boyfriend. She stored some stuff at our place and when I gave some of Herbs tax returns to him she bitched to my husb and he had the gall to yell at me! Then tell me I was a slut because I was wearing shorts in front of her boyfriend when he came to pick up her stuff. Things just went south from there. He's been verbally and emotionally abusive over and over. He gaslighted me all the time - does all this and then tells me I'm the one with problems. Tells me no wonder no one ever loved me. Hes been saying for 9 years or so on and off that he's done with me, I'm a bitch, a cunt, frigid blah blah. He's called our daughter a bitch. Bought the boys alcohol. Given them weed. He spends a ton on weed and cigarettes then complains about money. And as far as money goes he claimed I  hid it from him but I told him all about a settlement check - he just forgets about anything thats not about him. I didnt say hey I got it today but thats cuz I needed it to buy my son a car. So then we kinda plateaued...not really getting along but not fighting as much - he'd just call me a bitch and a cunt and say he could do what he wanted so I just avoided conflict. One time he said he was at work- he lied. He was at a truck stop arcade visiting a glory hole - I mean granted I was pretty anti sex after that - I did my duty hoping eventually we could work through and get back to it being good again. i should have told you that in all that time I was pretty sexual - dressed it and did it, and was open and adventurous so none of this had anything to do with me. Then year before last I think he said he was going out with some work buddies. I didn't have a problem with that. He had me cut his hair after he spit polished his truck. pretty easy to figure that one out. I can't tell you how many sites he'd been to over those years for chatting, dating, hookups, live facetime. I was pretty hurt by then and unloved . But this one was over the top disrespectful. It was our anniversary weekend and a week before my birthday and he had a date at a hotel with some chick older than me from an online dating app. I didn't bust his chops on it until Monday...he was already trying to set up a hookup with another gal - it was me pretending. A need to know situation. He went to counseling for a month or so after - he always wants me to go but Ive talked to marriage counselors - they sent me to domestic violence group and counseling. I needed time but started to think we could get through it again. I knew we couldn’t go back but had hope for forward. .But I don't think he ever confronted himself so it didn't do anything and though we were sexual again the abuse started again. But that was the last time I just sat back and let him abuse me without defense. And I quit crying so much. He was a real jerk about me flying (my dream job)- accused me of fucking pilots and shit. Funny thing is all the ones I dealt with were married and faithful...slamclickers we called them cuz they hit the hotel hit their room and you didn’t see them again. He thinks that way and thinks they do too not realizing it’s an internal thing for him. Anyways I quit flying - partly for him but for my daughter and the extra abuse I was subjected to wasn't worth it. Thats about as short as I can make the story. We get along some and don’t get along some and he can't seem to get it - doesnt try. Doesn't fathom menopause in the mix. He's just not nice to me a lot of the time. Or my daughter. Hell he gets mad if we cover our face while he chain smokes even though we don't bitch about the smoking we’re just trying to be healthy. It's just another part of his anger. He has issue I try and want to understand but you can't reason with him so what do you do? I've stayed out of that love and hope so we  can live our lives - he didn't need to take that away too. But he finally has what he wants - freedom - and it pisses him off even more for some reason.

So thats it. A looong lunch. I didn't even include the possible questions that would be interspersed in there. I don't think I ever want to have that lunch.

Hear That

This is such a ridiculous and annoying life. I have read back through a lot of my blog. I cant believe the shit I put up with. I work through my head why...I started out with a great live,  I like where I live. Ive spent so much time with and for my kids - and it shows in them. I had good years before and in between with my husband - theres a guy in there I've always loved. I think leaving would have always been a toss up. Less relationship stress. But I would miss him. The kids were exposed to not only just a bad relationship example but all the emotional trauma of those initial years when I first found out I was betrayed when I was so reactionary. Fortunately they are exceedingly intelligent and for the most part break the cycle. My oldest is a great faithful and caretaking boyfriend. My youngest has slipped on his path a small amount but has recognized it and corrected it in a positive way and is also a good boyfriend other wise. My daughters greatest example was her older brothers so her standards adjusted accordingly - she seems to be intolerant of abuse. But the trade off if I had left some years ago would have been a drastic lifestyle change and missing the good in the mix No we are not rich but we live decently on acreage in a large house. I would have missed all that time with them working full time - Ive rarely missed a single event, game or anything else. They would have had to go from home to home..split holidays. A large house with space to a couple apartments? All of that sucks too. So I opted for what was the lesser of evils for all of us. I sometimes think I may have lost a little of their respect along the way by putting up with it but they are also able to logic through my reasoning. My sons are buddies with my husband now because hes not a parent. He’s bought them liquor and weed since they were 14 or so.
Anyways the ridiculous part is that my husbands broken record of threats remains unchanged. After being regular sexually for awhile we had a brief argument...I dont even remember what trivial issue it was. I do remember his statement "we're about done with each other anyways". i didnt reply but then that night he asks me if I want to have casual sex with him. Casual or not how on earth would he think I'm attracted to him especially right after that statement? Clearly hes not working with strong analytical skill. Then this morning he asked me a question...I answered it but my back was turned and he didnt hear me. Instead of, again - a normal conversation like - " Im sorry I didnt hear you" he says "I cant hear you with you fucking mumbling". I wasn't mumbling. He struggles all the time to hear what others are saying -especially if it doesn't involve him. It deteriorated a bit with him accusing me of being rude when I stated I wasn't mumbling then repeated my answer. He then walked out the door. He didnt hear me but then he never has.