Masquerading

In the book "Why Does He Do That" and in counseling my eyes were opened to the cyclical nature of a porn addicts and narcissists relationship.  I also learned the typical pattern and the patterns specific to my husband. His porn use Is peaking again...and I haven't "caught" him or checked up on him. So how do I know? Well first off I use my phone quite a bit. Several days before my phones monthly plan I often get a notice that Ive reached 85% of my data cap in our email. My husband rarely uses his phone around me...and yet with over 2 weeks of his month left a notice hits our inbox that he's already at 85%.
The 2nd flag is if course his disrespect. ..and the verbal abuse spiking. My last blog demonstrates that.
Yesterday he slipped his mask off to allow his true nature and thoughts out again. Unfortunately an episode occurred with my dog. This happened once before...she got in the house through a window unlocked...yes she opened it. She can toggle door handles, open windows...if theres a way she has will. She got in before and killed a bunny. Its a dogs nature. We got another bunny a few months ago. I have practiced Gestapo vigilance. .always locking windows, exterior doors and the interior door to the room the rabbit was in. Everyone was advised by me (lectured) that we needed to be extra attentive to this system. My teen was home from Thursday to Sunday in between baseball games and did his job well keeping the bunny safe. Last night I took my other son to practice.  I shut the door to the room and the front door. My husband and older son were both home. When I got back the instant I opened my car door I was blasted with my husbands rage about what a piece of shit my dog is, how Id better get rid of her on craigslist or he would. Or he'd shoot her. How I sell all "his" shit on CL and I should sell mine. Went on for several minutes as I figured out she'd got to the poor bunny. I then asked how she got in? He replied he left the door open and went outside for 5 minutes!  When I asked why he left the door open he progressed from rage to fury about how dare I blame him...and rocket launched a spray can at me which I dodged just missing my head by an inch as I felt the push of air through my hair.  There are a number of issues to this episode. One..yes the dogs to blame..but it is a dogs nature. And she chases bunnies outside all the time. She doesnt know the difference.  My primary beef is that she comes in the house without permission.  Underlying issues: Well he didnt want me blaming him...and yet he attacked me about MY piece of shit and used "you" and "yours" placing blame on me. He said Ive only sold "his"stuff...well WE bought it so its ours not his. And technically ive sold all MY horses. He threw an item at me trying to hurt me. Although I slightly and briefly engaged in minor verbal defense I did not yell or become het up so it didnt escalate...again I make better choices..its awesome! A year ago I would have cried. I did point out his dog he had when we met massacred an entire flock of chickens at once, several ducks, killed a kitten, and popped the eyeball out of my Australian shepherds head! Of course she was perfect and far better than the one we have now. And there is NO ptsd discussion. .I had a long learning curve but now know that it would resolve nothing. He is just too unreasonable.  It would turn into him telling me to look in the mirror. How im being hateful. Dont I love him. Blah blah. Of course I dont love him...duh! I know he doesnt love me...im not obtuse. I also know he tries to believe. .and pretend he does. I once read that the reason so many marriages fail is because one or both cant take the other seeing the person they see in the mirror.  Their true self and not the persona. No one can succeed in masquerading forever.

The Gift Exchange

It could be that my husband is not looking at porn as much. Doubtful. I suspect he just hides it as hes always done...he gets better at it as time goes by. But then again I dont look either. I haven't checked his phone in months...or anything else.  Doesn't bother me and rarely even give it occupied space in my head. Worrying about it was a CHOICE. I make better choices. That is a gift to myself. But the actions of others are not a choice...a frustrating reality. My husband has not changed and there are always reminders present for me to recognize.
We went to our sons baseball tournament in Omaha this past weekend.  Despite what I blog I did enjoy myself, my husband at times, and had fun but those details are not pertinent to this blogs objective. If my trip was based only on us I would have used misery as my descriptive word. He berated me over 10 times over the smallest stupidest things. I tried to get his attention at a dinner...said his name, tapped his shoulder, touched his head lightly and I though affectionately. He berated me over 5 minutes for touching his hair. Called me a "fuckin bitch". Told me he'd remember that and I'd regret it in a threatening tone etc etc. I said sorry but I don't think he heard over the cacophony of his own ire. He berated me at a game because I didn't have my sons trading pins in my pocket...why would I ? Twenty minutes later he started in again until I finally told him ENOUGH & that I didnt want to hear another word. I gave him my cash to get water and he didnt. Then 10 minutes later he tells me to and when I say he has all my money he starts arguing about it...until he finds the money in his pocket. No "sorry" followed that. He was giving me shit about a good looking man in a store...I gave him some back for several women hed struck up conversations with (as always) and he came unglued. ..calling me a fuckin bitch again. I later heard my son joking about this...acknowledging that his dad always strikes up conversation with any pretty woman anywhere close ignoring me. We both missed a street we needed to turn on but he ragged on me for a full minute for that. He stomped out of the room one night...I cant even remember what that one was about. I waited an hour for him to get out of the bathroom one morning. ..we can all guess what that was about! Then he yelled at my daughter to hurry the hell up. She was only in there a few minutes.  I checked him on that so he got furious and said he didnt give a fuck. He interrupted me almost every time I started talking to another parent...I didnt like it but walked away rather than look stupid competing to talk. He gave me a shove at a gas station knocking me into my son because I didnt notice the people paying in front of me were done..like 15 seconds done. He bullied me the whole trip peppered with abusive behaviors.
Who does all that shit? I cant even fathom why someone would want to. However Im sure Ted Bundy didnt think he was insane right?!
Then we get home and I believe he's truly baffled by my standoffishness. Once I mentioned that he bullied me during the trip and he looked at me like I was nuts. It was ignorant. 
I also had an enlightened conversation with my sons. They are fully aware of his defects - from his unreasonableness, to seeking interaction with women, to spending money, to smoking weed...constantly. It is comforting that they dont judge me because they are intelligently aware. They love him and think hes fun. But they dont think hes right or condone how he treats me in real life issues.
Anyways his behavior is the gift I cant exchange and have to choice in changing.
And if youre with this kind of person (man just didnt seem appropriate) then you can count on the gift of thoughtless self absorption.  I do lol.

Idealism is Not Ideal

My life continues to clip along without hues of calamity. I do have moments of introspective realism. My husband asked me last night why Im not enjoying sex every time though at times I do. There may be a number of factors. ..Im tired from long days of hustling to my sons basball games. Certainly I am physically at the beginning stage of menopause at late 40's. And confronting our troubles brought me out somewhat bereft of drive. Functional sex lacking emotional connection also makes pleasure elusive. Not that he truly wanted to know. I replied its not that...a simplistic answer at best but acceptable to him as he pursued no more depth than that. He is completely obtuse on the physical as well or perhaps is not willing to see me in the light of aging. Anyways the question did lead me into some intropect of my own mind. Ive come to see that I was always a romantic even when I believed I was a cynic. Forever true love, the white knight, dedication.  I wasnt raised with any romantic examples.  My parents were not there for guidance nor did I receive love. They weren't together even when I was a baby. My mother never hugged me or said I love you. Nor my dad on the rare visitations. I haven't had contact with my mom in 15 years. My dad occasionally. My first and only boyfriend was a liar and cheater. Yet somewhere my soul believed.  And throughout the troubles of my marriage that belief was tenaciously entrenched in my subconscious - fed by the first 11 years where it was fulfilled by my husband at every turn.  And with it I realize that because of that romanticism in my nature my emotions need to be engaged to enjoy sex. Even when that emotion was desperation or anger it still provided drive. And there is now none left to engage me. I may eventually surpass that limitation. I do believe its possible to enjoy the physical without the emotional. I used to read a lot. Sci-fi. ..and romance novels. A week ago I picked up a romance. In the old days I would digest these books in a couple hours with absorbed enjoyment.  I made it less than halfway over a weeks time and cannot muster enough interest to continue. This made the change in me apparent. I dont view it as a positive or negative change. Just a change that is. So...I haven't looked at my husbands phone. Or email. Nor care to. I see him ogle other women...kinda hard not to but I dont emote over it. The only comment of note in the past month was when my husband asked why I dont wear anything sexy any more. I simply answered it didnt matter when I did because he was into other women even when I did. My idealism was to his advantage but wasn't ideal for me!