Primary School

 Last night my husband came home about 730. I was in my room as I’ve learned to try to be out of sight when he gets home. He knocked but came in without waiting for an answer. No hello just “are you making dinner”. I said I hadn’t really planned on it - I mean I don’t usually know if he’ll be home at 7 or 11pm. Even the night before he said don’t cook for me I already ate (with another woman) But apparently I’m supposed to telekinetically know when this night is different. Of course this triggered him. He yelled at me about not cooking, I told him what was available and he asked why can’t I cook it. I was about to just do it when he launched into a tirade about how I don’t  do a fucking thing all day and I should get a job and I don’t do or make anything. He came towards me with his hand raised as if to hit me and said “oh I’d like to fucking hit you” and I admit I was scared of him. I never know how far it can go and he’s threatened me before.As a notation I only handle all bills, finances, utilities, college issues, cleaning, have remodeled 3 rooms, home maintenance, dog feeding and care, dog breeding which brings in bucks and get unemployment right now. I cook 3 to 4 times a week at least twice a week I get home late after softball and do all the clean up. Anyways I got home at 8 and he wasn’t home. No idea (well one idea haha) where he goes but he came home with a large dish of food from his skanks house. I’d left him some dinner... but it’s likely the last time I will cook dinner for him.  He can bring it from where he got tonights dinner. Anyways none of this is my real point. It made me reflect that one of the primary traits I’ve been schooled on that is perhaps their saddest feature is his inability and even lack of desire to change. A basis of satisfaction with himself even at their worst. A self validation process in which he repeat the same process even as he’ll verbalize recognizing the destruction of his life and our happiness.. Though this verbalization is really only another repeat of the pattern. Others make mistakes. Feel regret. And desire change or growth. And they do both. For me it was changing from being a victim. I changed my reactions and responses. I haven’t and never will perfect it but I’ve made giant strides. Created boundaries. Learned better personal control. Gained understanding and shared positive relationship growth with my kids. And much more. And he continues his pattern. And though lying to me and cheating doesn’t much matter any more he presents a fake self to his new supply. I accept my humanity in that I’m aware part of me would resent that he could present himself as a positive and kind person to a new female supply. But as personal growth more of me hopes that he would treat his new supply so much better - it’s unfair to them and I would hate to see a new victim. But I also know that in essence he is already wronging them  by offering a false reality of himself. The last one he told he was separated. And nothing of his true self. My pity outweighs all else.