Apples and Oranges

I could have posted when I was angry...maybe I didnt because I didnt want to ever revisit the emotion at its peak. But I was very angry. The verbal abuse reached a peak even reaching into physical abuse I refused to accept last week. I left the house to take my sons to a school dance...a 20 minute absence. Less than 10 minutes after I left my cell phone rings...my husband. Him: "hey did you take my cigarettes?" me "no I took mine". him "well mine were on the counter and they're gone so you took them". me "no I did'nt I took mine off the mantle" him "I think you took mine" (yes now his tone is mean, accusatory, rude, and disbelieving). me "I only have one pack with me and its mine off the mantle" him " well mine had like 3 cigarettes in it that you took" me "the only pack I have with me is over a half pack which is the one I had on the mantle" (yes I was a bit testy at this point) him: "thanks for being a fucking bitch" then he hung up on me. When I got home the first thing he did was say sorry, that he'd found his cigarettes. I sat down and told him I appreciated that but it did not excuse him talking to me like that or calling me a fucking bitch and hanging up on me. At first he said I did not call you a bitch...I disagreed and quoted him...he denied again...then said that was after he hung up. I said no it wasn't because you said it then hung up. Then he agreed yes he did call me a fucking bitch. Then said I was a fucking bitch again..but as we went rounds on the subject I could not open his eyes to the way he talked to me...and what a normal conversation would be...such as "hon did you happen to take my cigs?" "no" "could you double check for me" sure...no I dont have them" "ok...Ill see you when you get home in a few minutes". Hmm...he didnt want to hear it. The entire squabble went south from there...whereas my issue was how he spoke on the phone and calling me a bitch he went into a tirade about how I need to look in the mirror, how the entire house walks on eggshells about saying something wrong to me, how I have problems, how I'm a bitch and a cunt, how no wonder my mom didn't love me, how everyone hates me and on, and on. I dissolved I cried ...I started moving into the spare room. He threatened to take all HIS money out of our account. He told me he paid for everything so it was his. That I could go fuck myself and to get the fuck out. Then he begged forgiveness...told me he'd been "better" for weeks. Not so much. When I told him to get away from me he cornered me and wouldn’t let me move. When I tried he pushed me and shoved me to the floor with both hands. I tried to get up but he held me down. My kids were there and my daughter was screaming at him and my son was telling him to get off me. When I gave him specific examples of times he'd been verbally abusive in the last few weeks he accused me of 'logging' incidents. He rolled his eyes, parodied me with sarcasm, belittled me, called me names and refused to listen to the issue at hand. And I told him this was just a last straw...I had let the prior incidents slide and controlled any negative reaction on my part: 1. He offered me to take a shower with him but said I didn't "have to" and it was no big deal. I didn't and when he got out of the shower he said thanks for taking a shower with me you fucking bitch. No comment or response by me- that would lead ;to more abuse. 2. We went to bed planning 'romance'..when I slid into bed he accused me of 'stealing' his blanket...when I said I didn't he called me a bitch said fuck you, pushed me and rolled the other way. I tried to smooth this one over but was rejected. 3. He wanted to watch movie credits so I went to the restroom while he watched...when i came out he was rude and walked away from me and my daughter (over 50') on our way to the car and gave me the silent treatment the rest of the night. I made no comment. 4. I was keeping score at a baseball game...I told him the score but he argued with me (during game in front of others). I tried to explain several times then finally said fine...you must be right. At the end of the game we lost by one run and it was my fault because if Id had the score right he would have coached it differently based on the one run (that I said we had and he said he didnt so it was on him anyways). no comment. 5. cigarettes...I finally say COMMENT! His response to this was how much restraint he displays to me...I asked him in what way or incident did he have to control himself from reacting to something Id done or said to him. He said well I didnt bitch at you because I didnt have clean socks. I dont bitch at you that the dishes arent washed...etc! Is he a fucking idiot?! Sometimes I think so...those are CHORES! And if he wants clean socks he could damn well do some himself once in awhile...comparing that to talking to me like dirt is comparing apples vs oranges.

Cracks in the Facade

Domestic violence education calls this the honeymoon phase. My husband runs this classically...repent, regret, niceness for lack of a better term. It manipulates me into hope based on the love I thought we shared and I still give and feel but don’t receive.  It keeps me off balance and under his control. But with the power of education from my Domestic violence group I see the cracks in his facade. Hes 'sorry' he called me a bitch and a cunt, 'sees' its abusive, shouldn't roll his eyes at me, shouldn't mimic me in insulting parodies, shouldnt push me or force me to give him a hand job, ashamed that he keeps slipping up and looking at porn, admits it affects how he treats me, admits the abuse. He looked up counseling and even talked on the phone to one. But it was too expensive and he doesn't have time. But one day later he never looked again...no follow through. He'll spend days...weeks hunting down porn with single minded determination but gives up on counseling after 15 minutes. So it was just manipulation to pull me back in. While I was out at my DV group meeting he picked up the house and did laundry which he rarely does. When I got home I commented 'thanks so much for putting a dent in it - isn't it amazing how much work you did and it still doesn't look like it?' His response was to berate me for insulting him and all the work he did, and that he shouldn't have bothered 'and so much for thanking him! and of course what a bitch I am - thats really never left out. As if he'd done a vast favor by contributing 1% to our families combined mess. I responded that his rant showed me that in fact he did not do it for me...he did it for HIM...to receive 'credit', praise, and thankfulness from me for what he really should be doing all along. And to follow up on my last post I 'won' my internal bet...he had deleted firefox from his phone when he got home. When I asked him about why he was trying to 'fix' chrome he replied that it bugged him it didnt work. I asked what he came up with as an alternative and he said nothing..so I asked how Firefox was working out for him (lol). He then became furious, called me a bitch, told me I had problems, that he wanted nothing to do with me, and that I wouldnt have to worry about it any more because he was going to look at all the porn he wanted to from then on, and that he was totally sick of me, that I should get the fuck out before he threw me out and hurt my ass when I landed. But he already said that and he already does that. Also that I should get a job because he wasn't going to support me any more. Two days later was when the above 'repent' occurred. I tried to open dialogue to tell him that I AM ocd over being lied to and am in fear of being caught with my pants down again so to speak...being duped, being hurt. But that dialogue never materialized because he was so busy screaming over me telling me what an untrusting bitch I am and how much porn he was going to look at! This morning he woke me with sexual advances...I returned the advances because of the fear...and the hope and love I still harbor.  Within one minute he stopped caressing me and asked "why dont you climb on top of me and do me". I became still then asked him how he could think I was ready to climb on top? This is also an effect of porn...in porn the women are instantly ready for sex and there to gratify his every need. A real live woman requires foreplay, affection and lovemaking. This is how it used to be...a long lead in of kissing and touching...yet every time I respond for mutual lovemaking he abandons his part and asks me to service him. His perception of sex is fashioned by the rewire in his brain from his obsession with porn. Needless to say instead of trying to turn me on he became angry and silent...didnt answer...and got up, slamming the bedroom door behind him as he left the room. He coaches baseball and last night had practice with his team...when he got home all I heard about is how he talked to two of the moms on the team and how much praise they had for what wonderful shape he is in, how much wonderful hair he has, how he doesnt look his age...an egomaniac at best. If I had that conversation and shared with him the world would come to an end in the face of his anger. All cracks in the facade...its not his love its his brain and the way it thinks.

Despicable Him

I am back to the comfort of Anger. If you have a smartphone it will make sense...follow along the trail of crumbs sans Hansel and Gretel ! About a week ago I figured out my husband was using google chromes browser to look at porn, and check a secret gmail account. He has gmail on his phone so the only reason he would need an incognito browser to check his gmail is because he has another account not linked to the one on his phone. As I said in my previous post I confronted him and he claimed he never used chrome blah blah blah. I subsequently blocked chrome on his phone. Because of that he had to use his regular browser which shows his history in google. He spent time almost every day this week looking up ways to unblock google chrome...forums, helps, and even Youtube videos. Of course he had no success and hasnt mentioned it to me. He also checked a gmail account from his browser but I have not had luck figuring out his user name. Today he figured something out...he installed Firefox web browser on his phone...another method to browse secretly. Hes not smart enough to know it shows up on his Google Play history which I can sign into with his phones email. I have not blocked Firefox...I want to see if he still has it on his phone when he gets home...Id lay a hundred spot that he doesnt...or if he does it wont have any history on it...yet the only reason he would install it is to USE it! Is my behavior OCD...somewhat...but I want to know if Im being lied to nowadays rather than believing face value as I have...shuffing off the patsy in me. We also had an interesting small squabble last night. I occasionally watch a show called Gigolos. Its on record to dvr but its been repeats so I havent watched it. Its a reality show about a few working gigilos in Vegas. Its mainly talking and situational but does have about 3-4 minutes of light porn per episode. My husband saw that it recorded and had a fit because "he cant watch porn but i can" then he threw the remote at me and told me to stay up and he went to bed. However....I dont record every porn show cinemax offers. I dont stay up late and masturbate to it and I don’t choose it over sex with him. I dont make lists of hookers I can call. I dont browse porn on an incognito browser on my phone. I dont call escorts on Backpage. And I dont lie about looking at it. I dont hide it and pretend Im not doing something that I am...other than this blog. How despicable of him.

Hindsight is 20/20

For several weeks my husband has been "behaving". Thats not to say he isn't lying - I know he is. However he is keeping blatant verbal and emotional abuse in check. This momentary peace is deceiving. Looking back I remember so much abuse and in my new perspective can now see it for what it was. 7 years ago we were running a self employed trucking business. During the summer the kids and I went along. I can remember that whole summer he would insist we go along. Within an hour he would start verbally ripping into me for some slight thing. I remember time after time staring out the window with tears rolling down my face. One time our auxiliary pump wouldn't work. He started screaming at me asking what I had done. and what a stupid bitch I was that I fucked it up. I hadn't touched it actually. I cried that but he said I was a lying fucking bitch. Then he said to shut the fuck up and quit fucking crying and that I was stupidly sensitive. At first my husband was aware I was crying..all the time, ..every time...I eventually learned that him knowing I was crying escalated the abuse and emotional abuse tangled with the verbal abuse until he was not only yelling and berating me but bashing my emotion as well. I learned to let the tears roll silently...without a whimper. I would try to refuse to go on the next trip but he would insist..pretty much bully me into it furious if I refuse. And the same thing would happen...a vicious cycle. This happened in successive years as well. At the time I was so hurt and confused I didnt recognize it for what it was - abuse. Around the same time we had our first real fight...over a neighbor he lusted for....and porn. Correlation at its finest. Hindsight IS 20/20.

I Cry Alone

Im sad...I prefer anger. Anger feels strong. Defiant. Resolved. Sadness feels weak. Resigned. Unresolved. My childhood was devoid of love. It was harsh and lonely. In spite of it when I met my husband I discovered I still had dreams. I could still love. I could trust. I believed in heroes. I could still believe in people. I am so incredibly sad sometimes its hard to explain...not for what my husbands done but for what he took from me...my trust, my dreams, my hopes my confidence. So I cry sometimes...alone. In the shower.. When no one is home. I cant share my sadness...how can he understand when he took so much from me? Im a cynic now. Thank goodness depression doesnt stick on me or I would always feel lost....as I do today.

Chrome for Dummies

So a couple of times now Ive told my husband that I know he uses Chromes incognito browser to look at porn. He lies about it. I let it go. The first time he denied even knowing chrome was a browser or had incognito. The second time he told me he doesn't use it and its there for his google+ ...I told him I have google + and I don't have chrome so you don't need it for that as he claimed. Anyways he said he NEVER uses chrome. So I blocked it again...and you know what? At 530 am he spent all his time on the regular browser on his phone googling how to unblock google chrome. Hmmm...if he never uses it why would he even know it was blocked let alone spend 40 minutes before work, and before I get up, trying to unblock it? A rhetorical question at best. And typically he bitches no end when something on his phone doesnt work...yet hasnt mentioned chrome at all...because he knows that would beg the question "I thought you didnt use Chrome?". And I would know the answer...but how can the dummy think I dont already know? But I let it pass...I have to if I don't want to be screamed at, called names, and told what a terrible person I am.

What I Dont Have

Interesting thing about secrets is that they are usually somthing you wish someone didnt know and rarely something no one knows. My husband is so unselfaware he doesnt see that his viewing of porn and escorts affects how he treats me and his reactions...so even if I dont find evidence hes using I can sense it. Here are some instances in my day to day life. Several nights ago we were watching tv...my husband said he was going to smoke a cig then take a shower. I decided to put something sexy on while he was in the shower because I still work at this relationship because apparently Im not that bright. I waited a half hour and he still hadnt gone to shower...it was already an hour past his usual time and he was on his phone so I went in the bedroom and changed then laid down to wait....and wait...finally falling asleep after an hour. Then he comes to bed and wakes me up and asks if Im going to ride him...doesnt touch me..just asks. When I tell him Im too sleepy now he gets angry says fuck you and flops over. Once morning rolls around he wants 'serviced' and when I dont give it he shove s his penis in my face until he gets it....and later that morning we argued because he stated he never said anything about a shower or bedtime...then when I quoted him he admitted to saying something similar. That would be gaslighting. Fast forward to the next night...he says hes going to bed and I reply 'me too' to which his response is 'what the fuck...youre just going because I said I was" and this was said angrily and meanly and like what the fuck does it matter anyway?. So fine I said....Ill stay up. I ended up sleeping on the couch. What would it matter if we went to bed at the same time? It would interfere with his private time with his phone. So now we're at last night. We went to a movie. At the end when the credits were rolling I told him I was going to the rest room..he told me to chill out and sit down...I waited a few more minutes and finally asked how much of the credits he wanted to watch. He said he wanted to see the music credits....I told him he could look that up on his phone and that I would just go to the restroom and meet him when I came out so he wouldnt have to wait for me...."whatever" he replied. When I came out he was walking towards me but then turned and went out the door and proceeded to walk 50 feet in front of me and my daughter all the way to our car. I was given the silent treatment the entire hour drive home and the rest of the night. Its interesting that before the movie I was trying to tell him something and he interrupted, and ignored, me 3 times...I wasnt happy about it but didnt grudge him more than 3 minutes before I let it go and kissed him and tried to give the love I want to give but he rejects. Such a differential. I also know hes using google chrome incognito to browse on his phone. He says he never uses it...but I blocked it twice and each time he had uninstalled then reinstalled to get it working. Its disheartening. Once upon a time I was so proud... i had found true honest love, passion, and reciprocation...what I didnt know was that I had really married a liar and none of that was what i had..