Letters

In my endless quest to understand and come to terms with the hopeless indirection life has dealt me I discovered yet another site that gives me both enlightenment and sadness. Using my own words I gave my husband a letter.... To my husband: I love you. You can be wonderful man, a friend. I love your humor, enthusiasm, confidence, body, smile, and spirit. But....I am lost, hurt, afraid. I want to run screaming. I want to feel confident, safe, secure, beautiful, worthy, and respected. I used to feel that way...you used to make me feel that way. Before porn, lies, escorts, phone calls, verbal abuse, name calling, threats, and emails for sex. Before I knew porns hold. I tried to understand it...for us. I tried to laugh it off. I watched it with you sometimes. I tried to believe when you said it was me you wanted. I cried in bed while you sat up at night looking at other women. I tried convincing myself it wasn't a big deal...while I checked the computer and your phone, revisiting all the pages you looked at. I tried to think I was imagining it...being unreasonably suspicious...tried to believe your lies. I tried to be sexy in fancy lingerie. Tried harder not to feel unattractive. Tried not to think of my imperfect body and compare myself to the images you desired. I tried changes in bed and participated in new things to try to make you happy. I lost weight. I tried not to overreact when I knew time apart was time you spent looking at porn...or calling escorts,emailing women.. I tried to give you all the forgiveness I had. I tried other things too. I tried tried looking at you with disgust and revulsion, tried to hate you. I tried to catch you...checking your phone,computer, shed, car for evidence....and found it. I tried talking, yelling, crying, and silence. I am so tired of trying. I wish you could see how porn destroys us...how it changes you. I wish you realized when I ask you questions I more often than not already know the answers. I wish the lies were not so easy for you. I wish you could carry the burden of sadness in my heart. I wish you wouldn't get so angry, mean, abusive and defensive when I talk to you about porn and the things you've done. I wish you wouldnt jump to porns defense and call me a bitch and a whore....i wish you would fight for me as passionately as you fight for porn. i love you...but dont trust you. Our sex is marred with countless faces, bodies, and acts that have nothing to do with me or us. When we married you said "forsaking all others" which I now know was a lie. But I cant disappoint you either...cant walk away...cant hurt you or our children, our family. Not yet. I feel hopeless, afraid, weak, out of my mind, ugly, ashamed, old, used, sad, depleted, desperate, angry, hurt...of ni value. Sometimes I dont feel it...but I am: Your wife. I enabled comments and welcome them..and friends. As a new blogger I missed the settings but I think Im figuring it out!

Pull It

Some days seem better than others but beneath the surface lurks imbalance. My husband went out of his way to be charming but under the charm are more lies....and more porn. When you search porn addiction on google sometimes you find comments (from men of course) that looking is "normal" and men are "visual"...but they confuse average occasional looking with TRUE addiction. For someone in my situation my husbands porn addiction progressed...from mild to wild to perverted to teen girls to actual contact with paid providers of sex. My husband is full of righteousness claiming to have been "good"...in reality hes just lying about looking...after all when I type in the letter m on my phone autocomplete does not bring up milf ! After the charming day yesterday we mutually initiated sex....several minutes later he was yet again asking me to "pull on his cock"...this is what porn does...makes a man want serviced...even when we do have sex hes a stud I should be grateful to...which is about HIM. Needless to say we ended up not having sex and after him bullying me and berating me I felt forced to pull on his cock to save myself from abuse...and my desire dwindles.  But what does that matter? Pulling on his cock has nothing to do with making me desire him.

Daily Grind

Its well published that porn addicts and porn itself objectifies women. My husband is obsessed with porn. Obsessed with other women. If we are out he leers at women. He initiates conversation with strange women frequently and without me. The truth of this is exemplified by my husbands treatment of me. When we are in bed he initiates sex with stroking or 'grinding' on me. No words. No affection. ....if I allow it to progress sex follows...not at any satisfaction for me...only him. He often can't achieve ejaculation with intercourse and has to be finished by hand. If I respond by stroking him back on the chest or kissing him he immediately stops touching me, rolls onto his back, and lays there. If I am affectionate longer than 30 seconds his inattention is followed by a request to "do him" or pull on his cock. Lately I have begun to just stop as well...and then...nothing. I have shared my desire for mutual sex and my need to feel  and be loved to have sex...but no sign that he considers my desire. Nor does he ask when this happens...we both just roll over and go to sleep. Mutual sex involves each other...two people. I think my husband prefers sex that involves just him. In the morning he just gets up and masturbates. This is how porn affects your thinking...and your wife.

Monday

I find that what has happened affects what does happen. My limits are smaller and less is more. My husband is 'working' on our marriage but what he really needs to work in is himself. Hes being supportive, patient and loving but there are cracks in the facade. One particular day he was sweet, romantic, and loving...he built up all day with promises of what he would do to me, and for me, that night. I was excited and "feeling" it -not always easy these days. When we finally made it to bed I crawled in ready to receive the lavish promises...and my husband screamed at me that i was stealing all the blanket ! I defended myself saying I didn't get in to take the blanket and pushed the blanket off me and onto him...which made him angry and he rolled over onto his back saying I killed the mood and that I was a “fucking lazy bitch” I stroked him in the chest for several minutes but with no return affection or touch I stopped soon enough...at which point he asked me to 'suck on his cock'. So much for promises...and no I didnt...because of the lead in not because I dont. Most of the time if I refuse to suck his cock will result in him calling me bitch. Last night we were both heading to bed when again he asked for sme to "do" him. No touch. No kindness. When i said no he decided to watch "working girls in bed" though he lied and said it was life on top...my replacement. This is a day in my marriage....not a day in my life. and its decidedly just plain dumb.

My Husbands Secrets

I begin this blog thinking it may provide catharsis...or perhaps as a means of anonymously tracking my troubles or looking for judgement, advice, or peers. I only know for sure that the idea appealed enough for me to initiate it.

Before I can advance to timeline blogging its necessary to explain what brought me here...to:

My Husbands Secrets

My husband and I met in July 1995. We hit it off in what was, for me, an unprecedented way. My eventual husband was seeing someone but was not sleeping with her...her choice, and in hindsight maybe why the door was open for me. He cut it off with her instantly. Perhaps there were signs of my husbands eventual secrets but I had no education in watching for such things so I only knew what was in front of me. The only hint I see in retrospect is that after we started dating the other girl decided she had made a mistake and gave my then boyfriend an love 'offer' letter...he refused her but never let me see or know the contents of that letter. Of course I felt flattered...Id been 'chosen' but since she lived next door I had wanted to know her total threat value...but I let it go. My husband gave her two Lion King stuffed toys for her girls. He said nothing. When she sent a pie I returned it - and he was offended on her behalf.

We moved in together, bought a house and two years later married. Our relationship, jobs, lives, marriage flourished for almost a decade. We moved to a bigger house and in 1998 had our first of 3 planned children. We were happy and proud of it.

The first discord between us came in 04 when I was pregnant with our last child. With hormones raging I was in a perpetual state of desire...but by month 3 my husband wanted no sex with me ...this has happened with my other pregnancies but not until the last couple months. Eventually I gave up and squashed my resentment and hurt chalking it up to my pregnancy appearance but looking back I see the first chink in our relationship armor.

Those years were hectic, fun, busy, and stressful at times with children and a business but through it we got along. But in 06 life...my husband...turned a corner. He began to stay up late then get up in the middle of the night then get up early. What started out once a week became 3 times a week until almost every night. At first I was oblivious...over time he began verbally abusing me, then emotionally. Of course I eventually stumbled upon his internet activities...porn, escort companies, cheating sites,emailing women for sex. I was okay with it at first when it was just porn - I thought well guys look - but it became so much more - and at a time I had no idea there was anything wrong with it or our marriage.  I confronted him and he backed off but every few months, and sometimes weeks, he was back at it...until another confrontation. And each time the habit was exponentially worse and the verbal abuse, name calling was worse with it. Years slipped by and I always forgave and believed in us.

Somehow at the same time he developed an obsession with a cute neighbor. As I was also friends with her, and her husband, I didnt notice the signs until it became too obvious to ignore. She separated from her husband. My husband had stopped by her house to buy some things they were selling...when he got home he was in a fury because she had 'ignored' him. He went there after he had been gone for a day and a half - he went to her house first. A flag went up inside me but I didnt fully fly it...I was still in a place of misplaced trust, hurt and self blame. When the neighbors house foreclosed we let her store some of her stuff at our house...when her husband stopped by and asked for some small items that were obviously his I gave them to him. His wife then came over and was arguing with my husband about what I'd done...when I came to his defense he literally yelled at me that it was none of my business and to go back in the house! Eventually her new boyfriend showed up unexpectedly to pick up her things on a summer day...shortly after I received a call from my husband berating me, calling me a whore, a bitch and accusing me of dressing like a slut for the boyfriend because I was in shorts and a tank top in July...reported by the  neighbor gal he was so enamored with of course. Even with all the porn and sex addict stuff with the verbal abuse this shocked me. New to this I believed. I tried.  But..This is when my hero showed he had feet of clay...and my flag became fully blown and I recognized all the signs that had been there all along but I had ignored in a sheath of trust. We nearly broke up...I wish we had. Once confronted he begged, pleaded, and promised and we stayed together. He admitted a sexual obsession with her. And in that moment he did improve...for a while. Maybe in part because she moved away...his optional obsession was no longer available.

Since then I can only say I have ridden the roller coaster of my husbands verbal abuse, emotional abuse, porn addiction, obsessions, lying, hiding, and a multitude of problems over and over again. Each time he was 'caught' he would lie. We would argue. He would scream what a bitch I was and I....just took it. Cried. Then he'd apologize and behave...for awhile. At first he lasted over a year, then 9 months and then less and less and time slipped by. But in reality each time he went back the problems magnified...looking at naked women progressed to more explicit porn, orgies, teen girls, shemales - then progressed to 'escort' advertisements. I also found emails to women for sex locally. God only knows what I didnt find. In 09 I had had enough and moved him into our spare room where he remained for several months. After a 'good' spell we 'reconciled' and were back in our room together. I couldn't see myself the same way. I had a sense of shame for being such a patsy. He made it all seem like my fault - even though our sex life was good and we'd been great together. I struck up a friendship online...no not a hookup...not a flirtation...not even a sharing of the horrible problems of my marriage. A little brother type of friendship with a terminally ill cancer patient...a sense of  perspective and normalcy in an otherwise friendless life. We talked on an anonymous site for several weeks - never emailed or phone - .this was in 2010. My husband discovered it and melted down...threatening to leave me! The double standard overwhelmed me...my friendship was not only innocent but had been perpetuated by a life I could barely deal with any more. Nonetheless I immediately ceased contact...forever, and my husband and I agreed to be honest, work on our marriage, and neither would step outside these boundaries to hurt the other ever again. My husband used this event to assuage his own behavior...now he could forever point to my own faults.

But I had learned something...to trust my gut - and not my husband. In January of 2012 I discovered he was looking at 'escort' ads in Backpage. When I confronted him he said it was just 'curiosity' and he would never do it again. But in May 2012 I found that he was not only still looking but had even CALLED 2 escorts to make arrangements for sex ! Again at this time we had an active sex life and were getting along. Again I confronted him...the new theme of my life. I also talked to the escorts so I had solid information to go on which made his lies that much more blatant. He had also asked a friend to lie for him and say he was at their house when he wasnt going to be...he changed his mind at the last minute and stayed home but the ground had been planted and I'm sure other times he was supposedly at her house he actually wasn't. I demanded he tell me about the phone calls...at first he denied even calling bold faced lying but when I told him I had called the phone numbers he stuttered and eventually confessed. He got angry first and we yelled at each other but he tried to hug me and when I said no he forced himself on me. And he can look me straight in the eye and lie with his last breath. We discussed his conversations with the hookers...and since there's a fee there's no doubt that's what this really was. He claimed it wouldnt happen again. As always. My respect, trust, and view of him is of course altered. But still...I believed I loved him. I forgave him. Things got better for awhile. I thought we had a chance and I gave him love and support all over again. Time passed...as did the horror of his actions. We started to get along...though I had my moments of utter sadness and meltdown but they became infrequent as it slid into the past. I don't have the confidence after years of being verbally abused to know if my nature is forgiving or if I am just dumb or easily manipulated by a narcissist.  On my birthday in October he picked a fight with me (of course he didnt know it was my birthday) and went to Hooters. In November of 2012 I intercepted an email from him to a woman on craigslist...he was looking for sex again...he had requested (and received) her pictures and location. He quit looking at porn on the home computer...he had discovered the virtues of cell phone internet service. In the past year he has increased his sexual phone activity tenfold. . I found male sexual enhancement pills in our spare room. Two weeks ago I found a list of 30+ phone numbers for Denver backpage hookers hidden in his winter boots - when I confronted him at that time and asked for honesty he chose what and what NOT to tell. Lying by omission is another tactic to gaslight me. The list was coded with stars (1,2 or 3!), cost, hair color, names ...and one starred as high interest was a transsexual. Yesterday I found a jelly vagina hidden in the spare room. Yes I have started counseling...and joined a group. My husband doesn't hit me but he pushes me, forces me, corners and traps me, and sometimes throws things and raises his fist...but the verbal and emotional abuse is internally painful. He can be mean - often. He can just come home from work and start screaming at me about laundry calling me a bitch and a cunt to where I often dont ask or do things out of fear of his reaction or mood swings.

Why do I stay? I dont have good solid answers...sometimes I wish he would not be 'sorry'...just something that would be off the middle of the fence. I've been bullied so long I lack confidence in my ability to be on my own. He's threatened to committ suicide at times. Threatened to take custody of our kids, leave me destitute...the list goes on. Hes a good buddy to my sons...typical of abusers but doesn't parent them at all. He gives them pot and alcohol.  I like the rest of my life and the benefits...I like my husband - when I can see the man I married. But I doubt that I KNOW who I married. Either way at this point in time I remain...it is what it is. Did I ask for it....a resounding NO! I have been sexual, loving, supporting, non nagging, and I am physically attractive...in fact a patsy as it turns out...I believe its referred to as enabling at least after the first couple times. But I set boundaries- why did I believe he was actually trying though? Will I leave him if it happens one more time - YES. Does he know this? YES. My life is a book: "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. If anything sounds similar in your life I recommend it - if you can handle it. Its saddening but for me knowledge is empowering - my husbands thinks its righteous - and he is wrong.

So now...I can blog from today forward.