Likes and dislikes

Tidbits

 Those pesky details - they always come to light. Though he hasn’t seen the skank he was fucking he didn’t completely cut things off with her either. If he had she wouldn’t have been comfortable messaging him on Facebook. And he messaged her that he missed her and wanted to see her. She said he needed to “do something” but she wouldn’t make him or pressure him and she thought she had a future with him. First offending detail: I asked him if she thought he was going to leave me for her. He replied “probably”. So I asked “ were you” and he said “I don’t know”.  Yet now he really thinks we get past that? He had no other depth to share. Detail 2: She thought she was his girlfriend. However weeks after starting with her he dated another gal he knew from highschool. Detail 3: well into this supposed girlfriend status he was messaging two other women trying to get going with them. And he was trying it with me too. I understand something is seriously wrong with him but find it incredibly difficult to surmise that HE can’t see something is seriously wrong. It’s really sad in some ways but since he can’t feel his shortcomings sympathy isn’t really warranted. On another note the gal from highschool he dated - he subsequently liked a picture on her fb profile. I texted him “I saw you liked Kristie’s picture 🤣🤣”. He later asked “ why’d you text that”. I said well she didn’t want to be my fb friend. He said yeah she’s that way. I said oh I don’t think so. I think it’s cuz you dated. He says no we didn’t. I said yes you did while I was in Montana with our kids. He even offered to take her out on a date again - thats what he called in when he messaged her. There was more denial mixed in but he finally says well we just went to dinner. I said that’s a date and you didn’t tell me about it. He says “see this is why I can’t deal with you cuz everything you say is just to start drama”. Huh? Apparently cheating lying and dating behind your wife’s back is not really starting drama? No ownership. No maturity. In fact he doesn’t give two shits about me. That’s what acceptance will mean for me. But buyer beware.

Head in the Sand

 It seems the head in the sand approach is my husbands direction with this affair. Pretend it didn’t happen - at least to my face. Avoid taking responsibility or even apologizing for it after promising it would never happen again. And in his self prophecy of never being happy once he gets what he says he wants he still remains an unhappy person. 

So we aren’t fighting, he isn’t cheating at the moment but we haven’t talked about IT - and it is humming along like a low engine noise you’re not quite sure of until your motor sputters and dies or explodes. We are treating each other fine and though it’s not new for me to be supportive of him he showed some for me which is new. He says he wants respect, affection, dates and sex. But in getting it doesn’t soak it up or seem to care. He is still interested in porn hub and jerkmate rather than real sex. In fact he’s been on both every single day and night and hasn’t initiated or wanted sex with me - and yet that was his big blame thing and what he told his skank - was that I didn’t take care of his business - what he didn’t tell her is that he failed to take care of MY business - which is more than just in the bedroom. Maybe she was just a handjob blowjob skank that didn’t need more? He said he didn’t want to sit at home and wants to go out ... so I agree and suddenly the going out dries up completely- because going out really was about going to said skanks house not actually going out. So no matter what he receives he’s unhappy. I think because giving is a better opportunity to feel good about yourself and others. Regardless of any psychological condition he’s still aware of right and wrong - it’s why he tries to validate wrongdoing. If you believe in karma every time he goes too far his luck also craps on him. First his car broke down. Now his truck. What would he be doing about his skank if he was still seeing her? Not taking my car lol. Anyways just some random insights into a life he’s wasting by not embracing and sharing positivity. That mindset has to come from within... and is why he escapes every day by being stoned and sinking into porn. Eventually he will have to face his acts and his decision to do things that aren’t in my best interest or his but for now it’s easier to let him keep his head in the sand.

Validation

 Tonight my daughter and I were telling my husband about a documentary we watched about a man in Frederick Colorado who killed his wife and his two small daughters. My husband expressed disbelief that a man could do that to his children. But when it came to the wife he tried to validate it at every turn. The man was cheating and thought he could start a life with the girlfriend if he killed off his old life. I mentioned that the woman knew he was married and that he was not yet separated and my daughter and I stated the opinion that she was lowlife scum. Of course he tried to defend her liking the guy - to which we replied then she should have told him to get his shit together and move out before she had sex with him. Then when we talked about the guy murdering his wife my husband said well she probably annoyed the fuck out of him. My daughter and I immediately responded that that was bullshit and that you don’t murder your wife - and besides she wasn’t annoying her husband - he was just a pathetic cheater ( we didn’t say that part) but he was trying to validate 1)the cheating 2) the cheatee 3) the guy murdering his wife. My daughter said maybe we should be concerned - he has said he’d like to kill me before. I have fear for my life and think I need to be cautious about how I act and that’s not a good place to be.

Pieces

 Where do I even begin to explain what seems to be sociopathic narcissism? It’s hard for regular people to wrap their heads around it - including me. I’ll just toss out random incidents and thoughts for others to discern affinity or familiarity with. 

When I managed to place a call to his “girlfriend” I told her she was a skank who should quit fucking other people’s husbands. And if a man tells her he’s married she shouldn’t give him her number. She said my husband pursued her - as if this cleared her moral turpitude and culpability for fucking a married guy. She told me I needed God in my life. This amazing absolute irony and massive hypocrisy of someone who is knowingly fucking a married guy drops right into being so stupid it’s hilarious. She also told me I should take care of my husbands “business”. And that he’s a great guy. Ok well my “husband” (a loose term) needs to take care of MY business. I like business but not with someone verbally and physically abusive. And business always seems to hurt his back or piss him off for a multitude of reasons. Second what “God” friendly bitch invalidates a homemaker? Oh right - one who believes everything a married man tells her - including that he hasn’t had sexual or a good marriage in 15 years? So he not only picks ugly hypocrites he picks dumb ones as well. She knew he was lying to me so how did that make him a good guy? How stupid. I do have a job and am quite proud of it - from raising kids, every practice, every planned birthday, every school event, all the bills, insurance, finances. All the cleaning, cooking and home improvements. Substantial cash from dog breeding as well. Her words were stupid and made her look the joke she is inside and out.

One day my daughter and I were talking about a girl who had her long hair cut off and my husband piped in how much he hated short hair - in fact he’s said this numerous times. Mine is 4 or 5 inches past my shoulders. But we immediately laughed and told him that was bullshit as his gf has very thin hair less than 3” long! Again with the hypocrisy. He backpedaled quickly and I’ll admit to some inner entertainment.

He’s such a “good guy” that as soon as I busted him he dumped her. So the good guy used her for supply and as soon as it was tainted he dumped her - but since she’s clearly analytically challenged I wonder if she realizes how not good guy behavior that is. Not to me or her.  Of course he said had to go to her to do it which I found unacceptable. When he left - again making his continually bad choices - I left too. Went to Walmart. When I got home he was mad that I didn’t wait at home for him to get back from his gf! Ridiculous right? I told him he made choices I couldn’t accept and got angry at him at which point he said he now wasn’t sure what he wanted. Translation is if I dare to set boundaries or show emotion then he wants the skank and if I “behave” he wants me. Still not acceptable. And in fact he just drove down the road and hung out - he didn't really break up with her - he just stopped seeing her but didn't stop messaging her. Always the trusting fool I actually believed he broke up with her at first. I have to come to terms with being too loving.

At one point he told me he didn’t know why he treated me the way he did and he needs to treat me the way he treats his girlfriends - the obtuse lack of depth or intelligence in this statement is astounding. I will only accept being treated like ME - a deserving giving generous to a fault special lady.

After pushing the strife down he has no clue how wounds fester. Never will as he’ll never try. Today the verbal abuse while mild is still creeping in. I lightly push a car door shut and the weight makes it close harder so he snipes at me to not “fucking slam the door”. He says he’s driving 70 feet to the other side of a parking lot and I say oh well I’ll just walk and he says “well I’m fucking driving so do whatever the fuck you’re gonna fucking do and close my fucking door “. I mildly told him he was being unnecessarily mean and stepped calmly away. 

His back was hurting and he said he hates everything about his life. Called me a bitch. Ranted under his breath for a half hour. Said he was suicidal. 

We were at a gas station and he commented on a man that was in the next car and I told him yeah he said he loved the color of my hair and that I was still a young lady. My husband could have said “because you are” but that’s laughable. What he said was well isn’t that just nice for you - with that edge to his tone.

We were watching my daughters softball camp when he decided to tell me “I really like that gals hair. I don’t know why but I really like it and the color”. Wtf? I replied - yes that’s what people tell me about mine but I’m glad I don’t have to worry about roots. Basically stuff it.

He said a dirt bike he’s thinking of buying has a title. Later he asked if I needed to write up a bill of sale and I replied “I thought it had a title - as long as he signs that over we won’t need a bill of sale”. Which for an unknown reason pissed him off and he said whatever he’d fucking do it himself.

Later he asked if I was going to look at the dirt bike with him and I said well I don’t have to and that I don’t know anything about them. And he replied “what about the fucking title what if I do it wrong I don’t wanna fucking hear it from you”. I just let the cussing and bullying slide by on that one.

At dinner with my son and daughter my son was telling us about a documentary where a man who was cheating on his wife went home slept with his wife for the first time in months then took her and their kids and killed them. My husbands comment : “you hear that? Remember that Jenn” - threats.

He was driving and went to make a left turn. It was a double turn and he was on the inside lane. He wasn’t paying attention and veered into the far lane over halfway and the car next to him honked so he corrected back into his lane. For the next 4 or 5 minutes he went on about what a dick the guy was and what an ass he was to honk at him and how he would never honk at someone like that. The last part is true - he wouldn’t honk because he flips people off, screams at them , threatens them and tries to get them to pull over and fight. 

While we were not sexually active for 4 to 5 months because I would not have sex while being verbally abused and lied to he was taking a variety of erection aid pills and masturbating to porn involving such sites as jerkmate and transvestites on pornhub in addition to fucking another woman and trying to with another. Over the years he’s often had increasing difficulty achieving orgasm during sex and also many times remains partially soft. It became exhausting to have to hand job him for 30 to 40 minutes after sex.