It’s All About Him

 My son is in college on a baseball scholarship to pitch. He came home with a shoulder injury and I took complete control of solutions, support, empathy and love. When my husband got home I started explaining my sons situation. Within 3 sentences my husband started “when my shoulder hurt”. He didn’t get anymore out as I will tolerate a lot on me but not the kids. I interrupted and told him “this isn’t about you. It’s about out son and I’m trying to tell you about HIM.” Surprisingly he shut up. Probably because our daughter was in the room. I gave him more information but he had lost interest and within a couple minutes went to his room. The amount of questions and information I would have wanted had this been reversed would have generated a half hour discussion for me. Not him. Yesterday my son saw the dr and it’s not final but could be bad news. I cried for him alone so I wouldn’t upset him. We talked solutions and whatever he needed to talk about. Then I asked what I could do for him -mentally physically emotionally and whatever he needed I am there. Again when my husband got home he asked if our son left already. I said yes and he’s answered well that sucks. What he didn’t lead with because being a narcissist is being a selfish prick is “how is he”. “How was the dr. visit” etc. My daughter and then I both started briefly  explaining the potential severity of my sons injury. His response was “you’re kidding”. “That sucks “. No questions. We gave him a little more info about possible surgery but still no questions from him. He didn’t ask about our sons mental or emotional state. The entire conversation lasted maybe 3 minutes before he went to his room. Thank goodness I see normalcy in my kids as my daughter and I discussed it all for at least 30 minutes. The kind of discussion I would have expected with a normal father. I truly believe he’s likely to be more bothered by the gloss of reflected glory from our sons talent than he is by our sons loss. This is when I realize how much he always thinks everything is about him.

Narcissist cycle

 After returning from Miami and talking at length my husband believes his sudden partial honesty absolves him of all sins against our marriage and truth. The next day he again vowed to a future where he would improve on our relationship. And I made a pretense of buying it. But I didn’t. His phone broke while we were there. I ordered a new one a few days after returning. A week later it hasn’t arrived and a week later the old pattern of rudeness, stonewalling and yelling is back. 2 nights ago he walked in the house and immediately started ranting...about money, how he was sick of everything, how much he hates his life. He started screaming at me about all of the above and dinner. After several minutes with no adverse reactions from me I calmly stated I was going to my room and would come out when he decided to be a decent human again then I closed and locked my door. 5 minutes later he wanted me to cook him dinner. I didn’t answer and remained in my safe room. Last night I was at my daughters basketball and had my zoom support group so avoided him and his drama altogether. He spent hours all the way until 1030 looking at porn. Tonight he was...not abusive but back in the pattern of being sour, difficult to converse with, bitching about money and going straight to his room. It’s worth saying he always attacks me verbally for not working and says he’s always the one that carries everything. This gaslighting is really ineffective when there are facts. That I have in fact worked the last 6+ years. That in fact I received unemployment that kept us going while he was out unpaid 5 weeks from wrist surgery. He may scream abuse in an attempt to demean and bully me but my w-2 contains undeniable irrefutable evidence. Anyways the psychopath  is flying free again- as I knew it would. He can’t even maintain one cycle more than 10 days anymore.

Life’s a Beach

 To keep the peace until I leave the battlefield I have taken a mellow and non confrontational stance. I have plans to travel a couple times with my daughter this year. It’s sad that I live life with the knowledge that I have to take preemptive steps to avoid abuse for that. I also wanted to have one last positive memory. So the plan was to have a nice weekend getaway with my husband. As a last hurrah if you will. Foolish thinking that granted me a reality check and renewed resolve. So I booked a weekend in Miami Beach. Ocean view. When we arrived we checked in then went to eat lunch- it was 130ish. At lunch he spent the entire time we waited for our food on his phone. And since the waiter forgot to take our order for 30 minutes this was a long time. I watched the people pass by as we were on the patio. I let that lunch slide by. We walked for a bit. Went back to the room to sit down for a bit. At 6pm he was in bed with the covers up to his chin. That’s 4pm our time. He said he felt sick and had since we ate. I watched tv while he slept. Ordered dominoes at 7. Got my food at 8. Watched tv while he slept. At 1030 I finally decided to go to sleep and laid down on the 2nd bed I’d been sitting on all this time. Then morning rolls around. The drama was so unexpected and intense I can’t recall the first words but it started with his anger that I didn’t sleep with him. I told him since he’d said he was sick I just let him be. Plus he took up the entire full bed. He said I was blaming it on him and just didn’t want to sleep with him. I apologized maintaining reactionary control. I added no but and said I had no intentions of making him feel that way. I tried and tried. I finally said I was going to breakfast if he wanted to come. He ignored me and went into the balcony to smoke so I went to breakfast alone. I sat at breakfast for almost 49 minutes. Took a pic of my food and posted it as “breakfast for one”. Finally I went back to the room and he was gone. I got his text within a minute asking where I was and I said in the room. He came back 20 minutes later and instantly attacked me for going to breakfast. He screamed at me that I’m a cunt and a bitch. Said fuck you many times. Threw his hands up and intimidated me physically. Said That he would never go anywhere with me again and wasn’t paying for me to go anywhere. And wanted his flight moved up so he could leave (even though our flight was the next day). He literally hurled abuse and names at me for 20 minutes. I calmly only asked why he was so angry. I stated I had boundaries and would not accept the name calling. He said it was my fault for posting a picture of my breakfast. I did tell him I couldn’t believe he didn’t have the depth to realize it’s not ok to call me a bitch and cunt. That I understood his feelings but how he acts on it isn’t acceptable. He took this as me calling him stupid and his fury was again unleashed. I repeatedly apologized and asked gently for him to let it go. He wouldn’t. At some point we just decided to go shop. I tried for the first 30 minutes to be upbeat and talk to him. But it was full on silent treatment and I eventually gave up. Appropriately it started raining. We stopped for a late lunch and though we didn’t converse much it wasn’t as bad. But later it was a nightmare all over again. Drinks at the pool bar ended up in drama and me finishing a beer alone. I eventually left the room around 6pm I think. To wander Miami alone. He texted me 10-15 times and called 20 times. But there was no redemption to be had. I eventually got back to the hotel at 10 but elected to have a drink in the lobby to avoid more abuse at least for a moment. When I went upstairs he was again tucked in his bed. Said his back hurt and asked for a back rub. And yes I complied because resistance really wasn’t worth the abuse. I rubbed his back for awhile and then It evolved into that anyways if not quite as violent. I ended up sleeping on the balcony for a few hours. After which he began apologizing. Profusely. Whatever. We salvaged peace from that last day. Like any good abusive narcissist in between alternate supplies that night when we got home and the next morning the apologies and self pity for what he’d done ramped up. He stated his horror at what he’d done and begged forgiveness. The real pretense. With no point in useless causes I let him ride his wave of falseness. In his eyes all that he does is forgivable. He also decided to manipulate me he could project new found honesty. Please! He admitted to texting a woman while we were in Florida saying he wished she was there. He also admitted he’s had the last skank he slept with over to our HOUSE while I was visiting my dad with out daughter. And yet in his arrogance he believes we can get past that. Imagine. Life at the beach wasn’t good. But I still enjoyed 50%. The 50% alone.