My Turn for Epiphany

 I’ve felt this your years but never formulated it before in its simplest yet deepest form. Though I know there’s nothing to be gained from it I still shared it with my husband. There is always that small chance that he will glean a small grain of salt from it and carry that to his new life:

“The greatest gift I have given you is that I have never chosen another man over you. The greatest disservice you have done me is that you always choose other women over me”

Whether it was pornography of women, emailing them, texting them or fucking them invariably every time that is in fact choosing them. That is my marriage simplified. Not so much an epiphany but more of a descriptive term that I felt deeply. I requested no reply and told him I was glad he found his mate - and I meant it.

Moving on though there was one other conversation that is so absurd it must be shared. When we discussed his girlfriend our issue surfaced slightly. What it came down to is that he stated he wouldn’t have a girlfriend if I still made his lunch, dinner and did his laundry. The ignorance and lack of intelligence is blatant in everything about this not to mention that it’s a self serving lie but I’ll PowerPoint it anyways. 1. I responded that it was ridiculous that he would not only yardstick these chores but use them as blackmail “I’ll cheat if you don’t do them”. The absurdity is mind boggling. 2. I stopped making his lunches because he bitched about how I made them or what I put in them. 3. I stopped cooking dinner every night and making his lunches AFTER he chose other women and because of it. 4. I stopped doing his laundry because he verbally abused me over his socks - not the first time but the last time he verbally abused me over laundry. Lastly I still cook dinner several nights a week but sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s at her house. Best part - he then told me “she said she would make me lunch and dinner and do those things for me”. The audacity never ceases to amaze. I was like yeah - if you cheated lied and verbally, emotionally and sometimes even physically abused her would she? Didn’t say it though - it’s irrelevant. I did say she must be a lowlife and he jumped to her defense - “no she’s not she’s been through some shit too and that judgemental you don’t even know her”. My response: “good people don’t fuck married men. They tell them move out file for divorce then get your life together then we can be together”. Like water over a ducks back this depth holds no water for him. But it does for me. And I’ve been through some shit in my life too and he’s part of the shit I’ve been through.

Annual Anniversary Tradition

 That’s right today was my wedding anniversary. I got what has become my husbands standard gift - a nice talk about his new girlfriend and an afternoon watching movies with my daughter. Can’t wait for my birthday next week - typically a date is involved - just not with me. And yes it’s weird- he’s done so much damage and after forgiving and letting it go over an over wishing for the moon it’s just not in the cards. Not because I don’t have it in me but because he doesn’t have it in him. But I still get unreasonably hurt and sad when this happens for my anniversary and birthday - it’s the 3rd time. It exemplifies the complete disregard he has for me and others in general. 

Rodeo

 So my husband t finds a new supply when the current supply is not satisfactorily manipulated. From an “epiphany” in mid July. By August 2nd my husband was already seeing another woman. He’d already been seeing someone casually “a 38 year old “ and was also courting a woman from Texas. He’s been seeing her regularly ever since. Of course he’s lied about every time he’s not here - as if he has ever felt he owed anything like loyalty or respect the last 8 yrs of our marriage. Again I haven’t much to say any more it is after all a broken record that repeats no matter what. This morning I went into his room to ask if he was riding with me to our daughters softball. At which point I realized he was talking to his gf on his phone which is in fact how I found out about her. He immediately shoved his phone down. It ended up hanging up on her so I don’t know how much she heard but I take real exception to my home of 22 years being invaded in any way. It’s just offensive. I explained this to him and for the most part it did not develop into an argument. But he also called her back and I reiterated that I did not appreciate this disrespect - he is at work and on the road 12 hours of the day and at her house several times a week so there is plenty of time for their relationship outside of my house. I did take the opportunity during the 2nd call to give her a shout out that she isn’t his first rodeo. Apparently she also apologized to him for calling him at home . The best part for last - I told him his newest gf was a homely (That’s being kind) to which he replied “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” .. well she’s getting D from a married guy so he must be talking about her literal guts not her morals. And he didn’t deny she’s homely lmfao. He always defends his new victims because the are “good” people. I still tend to think good people don’t fuck with married men (she knew from the start) - they tell them they have to be unmarried or at least out of the house first - and they shouldn’t be lying about it to their wife. I wish I still had the man that used to defend me. And as the wife who has supported him and our family through self employment job changes and a million daily acts I am in fact a good person inside - better than her who fucks a married man and better on the outside too. But hey they can cloud their lungs together with anorexic bones sticking out.

Primary School

 Last night my husband came home about 730. I was in my room as I’ve learned to try to be out of sight when he gets home. He knocked but came in without waiting for an answer. No hello just “are you making dinner”. I said I hadn’t really planned on it - I mean I don’t usually know if he’ll be home at 7 or 11pm. Even the night before he said don’t cook for me I already ate (with another woman) But apparently I’m supposed to telekinetically know when this night is different. Of course this triggered him. He yelled at me about not cooking, I told him what was available and he asked why can’t I cook it. I was about to just do it when he launched into a tirade about how I don’t  do a fucking thing all day and I should get a job and I don’t do or make anything. He came towards me with his hand raised as if to hit me and said “oh I’d like to fucking hit you” and I admit I was scared of him. I never know how far it can go and he’s threatened me before.As a notation I only handle all bills, finances, utilities, college issues, cleaning, have remodeled 3 rooms, home maintenance, dog feeding and care, dog breeding which brings in bucks and get unemployment right now. I cook 3 to 4 times a week at least twice a week I get home late after softball and do all the clean up. Anyways I got home at 8 and he wasn’t home. No idea (well one idea haha) where he goes but he came home with a large dish of food from his skanks house. I’d left him some dinner... but it’s likely the last time I will cook dinner for him.  He can bring it from where he got tonights dinner. Anyways none of this is my real point. It made me reflect that one of the primary traits I’ve been schooled on that is perhaps their saddest feature is his inability and even lack of desire to change. A basis of satisfaction with himself even at their worst. A self validation process in which he repeat the same process even as he’ll verbalize recognizing the destruction of his life and our happiness.. Though this verbalization is really only another repeat of the pattern. Others make mistakes. Feel regret. And desire change or growth. And they do both. For me it was changing from being a victim. I changed my reactions and responses. I haven’t and never will perfect it but I’ve made giant strides. Created boundaries. Learned better personal control. Gained understanding and shared positive relationship growth with my kids. And much more. And he continues his pattern. And though lying to me and cheating doesn’t much matter any more he presents a fake self to his new supply. I accept my humanity in that I’m aware part of me would resent that he could present himself as a positive and kind person to a new female supply. But as personal growth more of me hopes that he would treat his new supply so much better - it’s unfair to them and I would hate to see a new victim. But I also know that in essence he is already wronging them  by offering a false reality of himself. The last one he told he was separated. And nothing of his true self. My pity outweighs all else.

Boyfriend Material

 The fact that the abuse has spilled onto my daughter is what in many ways has made it less painful. I know that sounds odd.. but I have a protective and complete love for my kids. So in attacking my daughter there is little left of him as a human to me. I don’t even remember the subject but my daughter was indeed disrespectful to him. I have actually tried privately with her to get her to dial disrespect down for her own safety. But as he’s never dealt with it in an appropriate manner it’s gone unchecked. And she needs someone in her corner so I will not get involved when it’s happening. And when it does he insults her compounding the issue. So she wasn’t being overly disrespectful just a tone common to teens. But my husband became irate. Proceeded to tell her with the way she is no wonder she didn’t have a boyfriend and that she would never have a boyfriend. That no boy would want her. Who says that to their daughter? Oh he does. What an appropriate way to teach and earn respect- Not. I feel my younger son judges on occasion what he thinks is a mutual process. But he’s not here daily. He doesn’t see the constant abuse that generates our disinterest in the husband and father he is to us. The tone my daughter had is like the tone her Dad has only 10 times worse in response to anything I say. Every interaction conversationally he considers disagreeing with him. I let these attitudes slide most of the time - I’m well trained by years of living in fear of retribution. Occasionally myself or my daughter will have a tone with him - but he instantly becomes incensed and insulting every time and often when there’s no tone or slight even involved. He always feels threatened in his self perception. So much for his regret , apologies and promises to never insult his daughter again. Sadly she and I knew this anyways. I don’t know if she will find boyfriend material with exposure to this person - I should have taken her out of it years ago.  But that’s not on her it’s on him . She’s a beautiful, funny, intelligent charming girl who will probably have trust issues because of him 

Dictionary dot com

 Hmm so I seemingly placed a large incident in my minds back burner. In June I took my younger son who is 19 and my 15 yr old daughter to Montana to visit my stepdad. We also picked up a truck he gifted to my son which we drove back to Colorado. It was a great trip. We had many enjoyable moments. My husband is at a point where daily he voices a need to go out and get drunk. He also occasionally insults me for not having or voicing this desire. As a side note while we partied once in awhile in our 30’s going to bars and weekly drinking was not our lifestyle so his desire for this as he’s started voicing in the last 3-4 years is a change. Anyways I leave him to it. It’s often accompanied by cheating - which of course he did when all was great between us or at least I thought it was. I figured he would date and drink all weekend - he says that’s what he wants. So my kids and I piled in my sons gifted truck and headed home from northern Montana. A third of the way home I start getting texts and calls. The texts are about how he’s bored. Then multiple calls which I don’t answer as we were enjoying old faithful in Yellowstone. Then a text saying he needs to hear that I love him. Then one about how he’s realized we need to love and respect each other. Next text is how he needs to talk to me about health issues. More calls. Then “I’m not good right now”. Then he says he’s having panic attacks. A voicemail that he needs to talk about problems. Finally I decide to call back once Old Faithful was done. Once he answered he immediately began chattering in panic about having panic attacks. And how he had an epiphany about everything and knows what “we” need to do. And how his “epiphany” has changed him and his life. To be honest this isn’t the type of word he would utilize so in the back of my mind I’m wondering where he got the idea. Anyways he went on and on about the panic, the epiphany, an abscessed tooth (wasn’t). I  told him just because he thinks he had an epiphany and something changed for him didn’t mean it did for me. Maybe it could but we needed to talk first. I also told him it would be ok and just take some deep breaths. Again told him it would be okay. And that though I wasn’t in the same mindset as him with time it was possible if he stuck with it over time.Then it came out. He did a bunch of crank. Probably panicked because he hooked up with some random chick. He was high and on erection pills (which affect your blood flow). And he didn’t have an epiphany. And the panic attacks were from snorting too much crank. It was literally disillusioning. When we got home the next day he even went to the kids to tell them he did coke - which he didn’t he was still was trying to make himself look better but it was crank. He played the victim of being sad, upset and tried to induce pity. Do I even need to tell you that within a few days since he wasn’t instantly placed into revered status and since my daughter and I were not in awe and impressed with this “new” husband/dad that he immediately went back to being an abusive self centered attacker? No surprise at all. He needs to google the word epiphany.  Dictionary.com not sure he can spell dictionary.

Talk of the Drive Thru

 A couple months ago my daughter and I again risked being in the car with my husband. We’ve learned to try to avoid this as it rarely ends well. And if he’s driving our lives are at risk with his road rage. But in this case he was driving. We stopped at Arby’s drive through. My daughter told him her order from the back seat. Though he’s avoiding acceptance he is hard of hearing with any white noise present so he didn’t hear her. She repeated it very loudly at which point he got drastically and dramatically offended screaming at her that she didn’t need to be a bitch and turning around towards her arm raised as if he was going to smack her. I immediately intervened telling him to stop. She defended herself telling him he couldn’t hear and at that point did tell him he was deaf. Like his every mature move he proceeded to scream at her that no wonder she didn’t have a fucking boyfriend and that he’d “heard” about her reputation and added some insult to that implying she was a slut. She burst into tears and asked him how he could say stuff like that to his own daughter. How could he insult her like that. I may be able to let stuff wash over me but attack my daughter?! Not even. As a side note not that it matters to his reprehensible verbal abuse the girl has kissed boys at parties. She’s 16. She’s also a virgin. Anyways he received volume three fold as I launched the “how dare you” speech he deserved. My daughter and I were so furious we both cried. And being at the drive thru did not hold us back. Not only did he do irreparable harm to his daughter and any hope of a relationship with her but I bet we were the talk of that Arby’s for a couple days. As with any abusive narcissist he apologized, said he was wrong, didn’t mean it, wouldn’t do it again etc. But when no one patted him on the back right away he said fuck you... but then we already knew he didn’t mean it. When he brought it up later I accepted no excuse he had for it so again he said fuck you. But again I knew that he was disingenuous from the start. As a side note we took my daughter to the drive in for her birthday last month she was in a 2nd car with friends and my husband and I in another. It was a positive moment out of time - it went well and I enjoyed his company. I almost thought when we got home something positive would happen but he didn’t show interest sexually. To be fair neither did I - I’m afraid to put myself out there and get hurt. So the moment slipped away but at least the night happened.