The learning curve

You would think after all these posts and all my Googling and domestic violence counseling that I would recognize each and every point of abuse instantaneously. Not so however - it seems we can be surprised endlessly buy our own ignorance or the display of ignorance from a spouse. Because of the emotional disconnection due to the abuse, the cheating and the lies I'm not consistently interested in sex with my husband. I often try and often succeed but the reward is more hate from him. As we get older we also attribute this to a lower sex drive due to hormones or our busy lives or whatever. Maybe something wrong with ourselves... though at some level I did recognize that the lack of connection equated the lack of desire. But I failed to recognize the abuse intertwined with that lack of desire. I trapped myself and indeed my husband trapped me into a pattern of providing sex under coercion with threat of punishment in one form or another for not complying. I've said that I needed something outside of sex and then when we do have sex if I don't appear to properly enjoy it in his mind then there's an argument or attack afterwards stating that something's wrong with me. That would be the first killer of sexual interest. Next is a lack of care or gentle touch from him just as a person.. Most of the time I have to continue with a handjob as my husband often can't achieve ejaculation without that final step. So then in my mind I'm looking forward to that one additional exhausting task and this would be desire killer number 2. Last night I finally recognized the abuse of coercion used to make these things happen. Well maybe not last night. It started a couple nights ago when I had a migraine. I definitely wasn't interested in sex I took multiple Tylenol and slept on the couch on and off all evening trying to get rid of the headache. But that didn't stop my husband.It didn't stop his emotional coercion that I should still provide him with some sort of sex. I caved in gave him a handjob later realizing anybody that would put me in that position when I've had a migraine all day doesn't care anything for me as a person. That's desire killer number 3 making the next time that much more difficult. The final recognition occurred last night and keep in mind we've already had sex a couple times this week. Every time I come home from a trip as a flight attendant every single night I'm pressured to have sex. If I don't want to have sex then he says "well I can only get it the nights youre home... I am home four nights a week sometimes more and we have sex almost every night Im home. And I actually appreciate him saying thats the only time he gets it. Anyways the pressure started early evening and by 8:30 he was asking me to go to bed when I'd already kind of said no and definitely said no I don't want to go to bed. But the indication was ignored. And so the "you never want it" accusations began and after a quiet moment I looked at him and said you know we have had sex 3 times this past week? you're always pressuring me- there's so much pressure you're always pressuring me for sex. Again his response was to accuse me of never wanting it.. at least he didn't accuse me of cheating this time but he got angry and went to bed saying abusive angry words under his breath as he went- his passive aggressive side he’s working on. This morning when he left for work he said goodbye but he didn't kiss me like he usually does even though I don't prefer it because he wakes me up at 5:30 for no reason but that's besides the point. The point is is that he's trying different tactics to bully or guilt me into having sex when I don't want to which is making it more and more difficult for me to want sex. There's verbal bullying before sex there's guilt-tripping and then if I don't have sex he Alters his treatment of me to share his displeasure as a form of punishment. And I can never cease to be amazed that he can never realize the effects this has how one action can create other effects. His only form of leading to the bedroom is groping me grabbing my ass. In addition to which I've lost 9 pounds on a new diet and instead of telling me how great it is his response was you're not going to get skinny and leave me are you.  so anyways even after all this time be aware there's always something new to learn and the learning curve is always large with a narcissist who has a variety a ways of tearing at you emotionally and verbally.