Its Frigid Inside!

This morning I received an apology via text from my husband. Sincerity is lost in the anonymity of texting. Though the apology was certainly deserved it has no bearing on the tsunami of issues that caused its necessity.
5:30am this morning and my husband complains to me about his back killing him. His shoulder. Hip. Neck. He feels sick. the list is endless and the litany is day in day out every day - has been for years. Says he guesses no one (meaning me of course) cares or is going to make him an appointment. Because as an adult he is incapable of making his own appointments. His reasoning is that he has no time at work..though he has time to call me, text other women and surf the web shopping for goods and women. Need it be said he has never set up a single appt for me?  He stated if he does hes not going to care what it costs. And he needs them to do what they need to..surgery or exercises to make it better. Let me address the thoughts flitting through my brain first then ill transition to my reaction.  He already saw a physician. They gave him a sheet of therapy exercises. He did none of them and made no attempt to. Our deductible is 5300.00. We dont even have 50 bucks in the bank and cant get any financing. Nor do we have credit cards to cover. Not that surgery would even be likely treatment...probably physical therapy.  Which again he wouldn't do. Finally why cant he make his own appointment with his big boy underwear on! So yes...my brain is fielding a maelstrom of irritation.
My reaction reflected such. "I know its work to be a douchebag but fyi I was waiting until your job moved you back closer to home this week so your doctor would be in our area". Ok yes I am utterly aware that the douchebag part was inflammatory. It was an extremely rare transgression. You should know that his response would have been the same if I hadn't said that word.
So why is HE the one texting he's sorry to me? Could it be because he called me a "fucking bitch"? Maybe because he called me a frigid fucking bitch ...the most frigid bitch he's ever seen. A cunt. Or because he said i'm self important?  That its always about me? About poor poor poor poor me? About all the things I have to do? Or maybe because he said I think i'm perfect? That when I have someone else ill find out how perfect I am? How i've already found someone else? How I'm probably already fucking someone? Or how he's going to find someone to fuck and ill be crying waaaa then? Or because I don't DO anything now that im working?? Thats such an excessive number of becauses isn't it? I did tell him he can't be reasoned with. That hes right about lack of sexual interest but that I require respect for that to be viable. The other night I fell half alseep on the couch. My husband rudely commented "why are you so tired? You dont do anything and I work all the hours so I don't know why you're so fucking tired?" How unconscionably rude of him. I worked 8 hours, came home and cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, took my daughter to softball practice and fed the dogs. Doing all that 'nothing' wore me out. Anyways I mentioned that as disrespectful. Which was where I received the frigid bitch verbal abuse. I told him that was just continued disrespect and I was trying to share with him what was affecting me. Which was where I received the its all about me insults.  And of course the rest ran in the same vein. I did not call him any other name. Did not raise my voice. Basically did not respond in kind in any way. Hes a bully and I want to survive and he scares me. He talks incessantly about his work...and how everyone he works with and around thinks hes the best at what he does. I dont call him self important - I just listen. I dont converse much as his idea of a conversation is he talks while you display reverence. If I (or others for that matter) try to interject or comment or respond he actually increases his voice decibel level exponentially to override any other voice. So anyways thats why I received that sorry ass text!!!

Apathy

You're probably wondering..did things get better? Did she leave him? For awhile things did. Some months went by and we spent some time together that was nice and had affection and good sex and good company with each other. As always my hope and love start to spring up again. I was happy or as much as I could be and happy for him. Perhaps he is looking at porn a little less frequently. ..or just still hiding it? Fact is I wouldn't know. I haven't looked at his phone in months. Ive made no effort to check on his honesty because I want to believe it. but...Let me share recent occurrences. Recently we attended my husbands grandmothers birthday party. His cousin asked if I wanted to run to her house with her briefly. I asked how long and she said back in 30 minutes so I said sure. When I told my husband he had a fit. Told me I didn't need to go. When I asked why he told me to fucking go. That I always do whatever I want. To "get the fuck" out of there. That "he doesn't give a fuck". Then he tells his cousin "she can go..I told her I didnt give a fuck". I told her no I wasn't going and exactly what he really said. This performance was in front of 5 or 6 family members making for some awkward and somewhat horrified looks .Its worth noting that every time we visit his family there during get togethers he takes off with his uncle or cousins without me. Generally to drink and get high. I never object. Why would I ? Its not on my radar as a big deal. His meltdown was public in front of several of his family members not to mention his cousin herself. I felt somewhat humiliated but could see that he was the one that looked the true fool. Over the weekend he took my daughter to her softball tournament 90 minutes away. I took my son to a baseball tournament 65 minutes away. I was tired after most of the day at the fields. So was he. He yelled at and berated me the instant he got home because I didn't go to the grocery store. He was verbally vicious about it and called me a lazy fucking bitch for not going. I looked at him and said did YOU stop at the store? Called me a bitch again and I didn't bother to defend myself after that. .last night my daughter asked him to pause the tv so we could read something. He'd already rewound it 3 times. He literally screamed at her to shut the fuck up and that he was fucking getting to it. She burst into tears. I told him it was uncalled for. He tells her it sure isn't such a big deal that she should be crying. So I said if it isn't a big deal why did he scream at her? Then I yelled at him that she had a right to her feelings. I don't pause when it comes to defending my daughter. He called me a bitch. Ho hum..that's a broken record. I said why do you have the right to scream and its valid but if anyone else does they're a bitch? So he went into a little tirade about how he doesn't give a fuck. How I should call a lawyer. File for divorce. He was going to do both. That I better get the fuck out or he would make me. He makes all the money and it s his and so is everything else and I'm not getting shit. He's self important because he has a job. Etc. Etc. My only response was I don't care either. I was unaffected...well other than thinking what a mean person he is. Contributory factors...well he didn't work for 3 weeks due to weather. He bought mmj right before going on unemployment. Spent 80 bucks on it. Then his first ui he spends another 40. Then gets mad because i'm being a bit derogatory about spending what little we have on dope. Cant get my son some therapy he was supposed to do for his arm but he can get dope. When I object he says he doesn't ask for much and he works hard so he should be able to get pot. Oh he spent 7-800 on his jeep for subwoofers, speakers, lift kit etc. And he spends over 150 a month on cigarettes. So whats 350-400 a month on dope? So hes all mad at me because I dont approve. And he stole 15 bucks out of my purse this morning...to buy dope. Which I realized when my kid asked for lunch money and it was gone. Doesn't help that right before the weather layoff he went to a dr for shoulder pain..him bitching and berating me about getting him an appointment is a whole other blog! Then his neck hurt. Then his back. Then his hip. So then the chiropractor. And he doesn't just complain once..he will say it 10 times per hour over an entire day - I kid you not! By the 4th complaint I say nothing so he tacks on "I know you don't care". I finally said I do but you've said it 20 times...saying it doesn't change it or make it better does it? Im afraid my 16 yr old was in the kitchen and heard that and backed me up - not because I wanted him to. He was getting just as much earfuls of complaining as I was. The most relevant aspect of this post is that in spite of his continued verbal and emotional abuse, childishness, and petty meanness I remain generally apathetic about it. He cant be reasoned with. Any changes are always temporary and always mask a real nasty attitude filled with verbal abuse. After 6 mos on the job ive received a 2nd raise and promotion to asst manager. And enjoy life. Easy peasy!!