Creepers

 Today is thanksgiving Thursday. It’s tougher this time of year. He’s been back to teen porn- when we have a teen daughter. This offends me. The reasons are obvious to anyone but him. Tuesday we were in the living room. A mutual friend messaged me about visiting so we could see their baby. I was messaging back when he walked over and made a point of looking at my phone and saying “huh” in that tone. I showed him my phone and informed him of what I was doing. Then he said “I’m not mad about it no reason for you to get excited”. I replied that I was not excited and to not turn around what he instigated and say I was the issue. And that he’s gaslighting and that no longer works. Then I walked away. But it’s these constant accusatory digs - from the cheater. It’s exhausting. Last night we were alone together and it was…okay. I felt loneliness creep on me. He was ‘courting’ me..for sex really. And part of me wanted to want him. But he’s been on porn a lot- and the teen stuff. And I also know he was on a dating app called tagged yet again. Checking his messages. I couldn’t muster up to the idea of sex without asking about these so while I didn’t reject him I didn’t really respond to his advances either. And I while I needed to ask the question I didn’t want to risk arguing or rage so I kept quiet. Surprisingly he accepted that and we went to bed separately. I spent hours in bed with self doubt, wishes and thoughts. Today was the same. We got along all day. Again the loneliness..the lack of physical- or any- connection. Again he was giving me gentle physical attention. I wanted to want sex with him. But I needed to clear my head of the tagged question. So with calm and a low even tone devoid of accusation I asked if he had been on anything online that he shouldn’t. At first he replied not really. I stayed quiet. After 15 seconds he added that he had been on tagged. Then he justified it by saying he only went on to see if I was on there. I’ve never been on there by the way. Anyways I took a breath in my head. A few seconds. Then I told him thank you. That I appreciated his honesty. And accepted his answer with that. He then asked if I had been on it or any sites. I said no..that I don’t do that. He said “ well I think you chat a lot. I think you have conversations. I think you have options”. Yeesh.  I responded with “ I have never cheated but why is it the cheater - you- is always accusing me”. In the course of this he told me I’ve talked to others - I said I’ve told you about that ( it was a fellow narcissist victim not a connection) and he said yeah that guy on Facebook. “No. That’s not true. I’ve never talked to any man on fb” . He rewrote the story in his head about one comment from a school mate from grade school that is of no interest to me. He then proceeded to tell me that he thinks that if I was out with friends and got drunk I would do “some guy”. And that I’m vengeful. Also claiming he friended a strange chick on ig and liked every one of her posts to help her confidence. I told him not to play that as we both know that’s not true. I also told him I asked a question and accepted his answer while he accused me and insulted me basically calling me a vengeful hoe. When I said I’d never cheated he said he didn’t know that. Ugh. I’ve never even spent a night or afternoon away from home other than afternoons when I worked. And I said why am I defending myself when you’ve cheated and even had one in our home? Which of course he replied “oh god here we go”. This really went in that same circle awhile. Then he said he was just trying to tell me his feelings. I responded that insulting me and accusing me are not feelings. I did tell him that if he had just got drunk and cheated we wouldn’t be where we were. But that he didn’t make a mistake he made a pattern. And he didn’t need to be drunk. He said how do you know? Jesus. I said because I know you weren’t drunk every day when you were texting and seeing a woman for months. He then went on to say “not that I could blame you if you did. You’d have every right to. I know I’m to blame for us”. I took pause. Then told him that’s where we differ. I don’t have that right to cheat. No matter what he’s done. That no one deserves that. Not even him. And without the empathy to understand that he couldn’t see what he’d done to me or us. That he’s just validating that behavior which is not us. He also went on a bit about me being on my phone.I watched a 2 hour movie while he was on his and I wasn’t. But he never sees that. Or says ‘you know I’m looking at trucks for sale’. And tagged I said. Shake my head. I did tell him that I had wanted to want sex. But that I was blocked by needing to ask him if he’d done anything inappropriate. That I asked and didn’t accuse. And said thank you and accepted his honesty. And that when he asked me I answers his question. And why didn’t I deserve the same courtesy? Instead of accepting my answer he argued, accused, invalidated my answer then insulted me. That left us in stalemate. He apologized. Neither of us got angry. So hello loneliness I’m here. It’s not creeping. It’s just here.

Not True

 So yesterday my daughter and I went shopping. She had an unexpected day off of school and I’ll take what I can get on time with her when she suggests it. So we’re out shopping and my husband calls. I honestly didn’t want to answer after the disastrous conversation with him Monday. And the follow up Tuesday. But I answered because…foolishly..I thought to avoid more rage. He asked what we were doing. I said shopping. He said with what money. I said we’re just looking if that’s ok with you. Well maybe you have money he says. So I said bye have a nice day. So he texted me “you’re a mean person”. Just an attempt to get attention and a response that gave him a rush. So I tested it. I answered “you know that’s not true”. No response. 10 min later i added “but thanks for yelling for 10 min yesterday”. This time a response in 5 seconds “see you can answer without an insult - mean person”. Interesting since it wasnt an insult anyways just a mild statement of fact. I answered “we know that’s not true” and again no response. So if I’m not feeding into chaos he doesn’t respond. At least sometimes. So I have a new catch phrase hoping it will work for awhile. So tonight he got home early so I got caught actually being in the living room. I’ve been avoiding that to avoid his rages. He started ranting about our son and the car he borrowed. I didn’t say anything. Then I asked what time his chiro appt was (he’d told me he couldn’t make it then got home early). He said aggressively that he was sick of having to do fkn shit after work and started raging about having to do everything himself. I lightly said unfortunately no one can go to your chiro for you. And he got mad. Parodied me and started ranting so I quietly got up, told him his dinner was in the microwave and headed to my room. He continued to rant and mumble but I couldn’t hear most of the words. Probably thankful for that. He scares me. Tomorrow I’m hiding his gun ammo. I think he’s dangerous and murderous right now.

Tick Tock

 The other day my husband called me harsh. I took exception to it. Maybe because I have a better grasp of the dictionary and know that it means unpleasant. Mean to the point of being disliked. When I told him I felt insulted he told me it’s how I’ve always been and a reason he “fell in love” with me. It’s laughable. I was sweet, naive (dumb as it turns out), trusting, silly and vulnerable. A “harsh” person wouldn’t have spent an entire summer crying out the truck window while he verbally tore me apart screaming at me. I’m still not harsh. But he perceives it that way because I started standing up for myself after years of abuse. When I sent him the definition of harsh to show why I was offended he told his “therapist” who laughed. She has no clue what a narcissist is and is being played. Earlier in the week I let him know that I knew he had followed a strange girl on Instagram and liked every single one of her inappropriate posts. I didn’t make a big deal - I texted him. Of course he didn’t address it. I also told him I’d made a fake fb account then blocked it with my real account. Then deleted the fake account- and guess what? It was still on my blocked list. So then he changed his story and said he had unblocked and then it disappeared. It wasn’t even a text on fb. The LIES. Always. I did tell him I was going to start an Instagram for men to like all my posts. He got so angry - such a massive hypocrite. So then Sunday we went to my daughters softball. I took a selfie. Of course he had to make a snot remark asking who I was sending it to. No one I said. He asked how my new ig was going I said fine. He said he doesn’t do selfies- hun- I told him I’d seen his half naked selfies he sent so yeah he does. He sends dick pics too but I didn’t say that. We got into over that. He tried to compare people that follow me - that I don’t follow back and don’t like their posts- to him friending a female and liking every single one of her posts. I walked away from the truck and went and sat to watch the games away from him. Later while we waited for our girl after the game I finally went to the truck and he started shit again so I walked away again. An hour later I went back. Leaned in the back seat and plugged my phone into the charger cord that my daughter had back there. Again he just had to be a jerk. Said I didn’t have to sit back there to hide my phone. I told him I’m not I’m just using the charger. Again he said “oh I know why you’re sitting back there to hide your phone”. I told him all he was doing was starting shit again (3rd time) and again walked away. I did call him crazy this time though. So he peeled out in the truck and left for awhile. I still wasn’t offended. He told his therapist he did that to help her confidence. What a joke. I didn’t hear that my daughter did when she went to get her laptop but she thought it was ridiculous. I assume his “therapist” bought that. So she wouldn’t be much of a therapist. When I went to my girls room I heard him bitching because I post pics on my Facebook when I remodel a room but I don’t post how proud of him I am that he did a “3000 dollar car rebuild”. Um which he’s never done. Nor has he EVER posted anything I’ve done. It’s hypocritical Bull. I can’t even stand the amount of narcissism going on. I don’t even care if he posts about me doing something. I like my little remodels. He should post his own shit. Then today. Texts me in the morning and says he’s gonna get fired. I didn’t get the text til a half hour later maybe so he sent a second one saying i didn’t care. There is some validity to that but I’m not a mean person so I just asked why. He didn’t answer til later- though I didn’t bitch at him like he did me. I thought maybe he fucked something up. But apparently he just had an inappropriate temper tantrum at someone at work because he’s supposed to wear a hard hat when his windows open. He also said when he gets a new truck he’s leaving with it and his 2 bikes. I wish. Then some bs about always being someone’s problem and how he won’t be when he’s gone. I’m sure he left all that out when talking to his therapist. I’ve got to get out of this. He is crazy. Next time he cuts loose I’m scared of what he’ll do since he’s threatened to kill me already. I’m 911 here on out. Tick tock on divorce.