Random Reflections

I find my mind a bit reflective of flashes of past incidents that further demonstrate my tolerance of the intolerable. Last year on the day before my birthday my husband had a baseball game. As he was dressing he suddenly screamed at me "wheres all the god damn fucking socks". In the past I would sometimes mirror him in a misguided attempt to show him it was wrong...that doesnt work by the way! In this incident I screamed right back "I dont fucking know". Then I calmly told him he should not talk to me that way...he certainly didnt like it. His response was that I was being a bitch. I told him I would not go with him until he agreed to treat me with respect. He said "just fucking get in the car". I refused and he left with our two sons. He hid the keys to our other car but I had hidden my spare set so was able to leave too...with a suitcase. Later I decided I would show up for his game...it was his first one and I didnt want to regret missing it. He had been texting apologies..because I refused to answer my phone. Anyways I mapped his location on google to find where the game was at and headed that way. About halfway there his location changed. He wasnt there...I found out later it was cancelled. But he didnt head home...instead he took my two sons to Twin Peaks... a hooters. style restaurant. His claim..he drove 25 miles across town to check out the food. And yet for a week after I had to listen to him and my 14 and 12 yr old sons discuss the hot waitresses. I finally told them to shut up. Now Ive been to Hooters with them before...no problem with t at but after a fight this was an intentional affront..and he knew it..even tried to lie about being there. In the back of my mind of course is running that this is my birthday weekend. I was expecting extra special treatment though I don’t know why since I’ve never been treated special before.. I was getting the opposite. The next morning half the day rolls by...suddenly my husband phone alarm goes off...he says i wonder why i have an alarm today...i tell him i bet i know why...he looks puzzled then says oh thats right...happy birthday. Yup thats it...my entire birthday weekend..no card, no present, no nothing. Even though ive never been a flowers or jewelry girl (rather have a plant or horsey art ) on other occasions he buys me flowers. Only thing is I cant recall one time he bought me flowers without telling me how much they cost, how much effort it took, and how wonderful the clerk and/or the women in the store thought he was for buying them. Later that month of my birth I intercepted an email..hed emailed a woman in craigslist about hooking up for sex. When she answered he then emailed her again asking how much she charged and where she was located and requested her picture. She sent it...she was skanky ugly. This was last year in October by the way. Hes also very suspicious of me...which is his own internal guilt. Ive never set up sex, talked in the phone, or flirted with a guy. Ive thought about it...never did before but with all his actions who wouldnt?
I also remember another time. We were at a ballpark for my sons baseball tournament. It was a 2 hour drive. When we got there my daughter and I had to use the restroom - she must of been only about 7. We waited a few minutes for my husband who was getting stuff out of the car but we had to go pretty bad so we headed off to the bathroom. After coming our we went and looked around for him but didnt see him right away so I told my daughter to wait and I would go look for him. On the way I found him halfway through the parking lot. "oh hey" I said. He started yelling "where the fuck were you". Just in the bathroom I said and asked for the keys to the car so I could get a coat. Fuck you he said and threw the keys at me hitting me in the shoulder. At that moment one of the other moms went to walk by...she looked at me sadly and mouthed the word "wow". He then said fuck no and took the keys back My husband is typically careful to present a different persona to the world - his fury tripped on this one. I was devastated..bing humiliated and abused in public is a whole new arrogance of what you can do that floored me. I didnt reply but headed to the car where I sat by the tire and cried quietly. Eventually my husband came out and berated me for crying...again calling me a dramatic bitch (gaslighting). then apologized. it a scary world I ive in

Simply...Gross

This past couple days Ive been my own ocd enemy. My husband wants sex and cant understand my lack of desire. Seems stupid when you read this blog doesnt it? Anyways after thinking about the smut store episode I couldnt shut down the idea that there was more to suspect. He spent 90 minutes there...at a truck stop smut shop. How much could you look at for that long? Then the bell dinged...not just Glory holes but arcades. Gross.I actually let this man have sex with me the last few days! I FEEL dirtier than I think he IS. How is it that I can continue to be amazed and surprised by the influx of pervert education? My own ignorance is amazing as well.

Cant Rain all the Time

As an addendum to my struggles Ive been unable to continue attending my domestic violence group...not by choice. Its over 49 miles away...my husbands layoff has left us struggling just to buy food for our family of 5...a broken down suv, truck with a tranny problem and...the exhorbitant price of gas, have made the expense of travel impossible.  The domestic violence group and counseling has been helping me work through what happened and recognize that I am abused. Its humiliating but the process is necessary. When it rains it pours.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

So its obvious I had a little blog vacation. Not by choice but to add to my grievous lifestyle my husband was laid off from his job. Time together doesnt improve our relationship - its just extra opportunity for him to be abusive. He is back to work...so here I am also. And the fun never ends. Yesterday was a rainy day. My husband left for work at 6am...he starts at 7. At about 845 I had a thought...a premonition maybe even...how amazing is that?! I google mapped my husband...and BOOM..up pops his location...at Pleasures Entertainment Center. At 915 he was at Romantix. In case your unfamiliar with porn addicts r us these are smut stores located in a truck stop and low end of town. Closer to 1030am my husband calls and tells me hes off early and on his way home. Once home he explains the wet weather cut them loose ( construction ). So I ask him if he came straight home. First he answers yes...so I say...you didnt go anywhere else? He says well I did go by the company yard. Hmmm...why I ask him. From there I get an elaborate web of lies of all the reasons he needed to go to the company yard...I gave him the opportunity for truth and he elected rubbish! So after he dug his own grave I told him that maps showed him at Pleasures and Romantix. He stuck to lies and bullshit...and I let it go. I wasn't angry...nor did I get angry...but he is sadly mistaken to think I am stupid...its this aspect that irks me at the moment. Emotionally I find myself detached in an effort to protect my heart and to protect me physically. About 10 minutes later my husband asks me to step into the other room...and subsequently confesses to the web of lies. I shared my sentiment that it hurt and that he should not think I'm stupid! His explanation for his sex store visits was ridiculously obtuse as well...he claimed to be looking for products for us...to turn me on. And shopping for toys doesn't take over an hour - lets be real he visited the back room glory hole and when confronted he admitted it. But that admission was a manipulation to “prove” he was a good person and receive my grateful praise for his honesty.  I also pointed out that toys aren't whats causing the problem...nor what would fix it...and that his actions are whats dwindled desire...and another heaping of bs just made it worse. Of course no toys were produced anyways because he didn’t get any (um cuz he wasn’t there for that) And then being the ass he is he seemed to want credit for confessing in a timely manner. You don't get credit for doing the wrong thing, lying about it and then confessing. Not doing it in the first place is the right thing.6 months ago i might have cried...but Im holding it together for now and Im sorry the wicked asshole came my way.