I’ve always hesitated when it came to using the word hate. I’m not a hateful person and obviously am forgiving. Perhaps this is part of my problem and why this has gone on so long. I hope his next supply is less forgiving. But at this moment I hate him. He’s disgusting without redemption. I’ve told him at times that he isn’t a bad person he just does bad things. That’s a lie. He’s a terrible person. He knows he’s doing the wrong thing, he knows what he looks at is sick, he knows it’s wrong to lie and cheat, he knows when he’s being a dick, he knows when he’s hurting me or others and does it anyway. Unapologetically. And with zero desire to be a better person or get help. He’s sick. That’s where hate becomes pity. Yesterday he had a field day with it. He shared a post to Facebook about kids not thanking their dads for their sacrifices and not saying they are proud of them. That they aren’t grateful. That the dads are trying to be a good man in a society that devalues them. That one really gets me as in where in being a liar, a cheater, a pervert, and an addict is he trying to be a good man - he’s not even a good person! Also how dads leave their frustration at the door after work - that’s laughable with the amount of fury he visits inside the home. And the last one that was bullshit how they love even when they feel they are failing - love is not something he has done for years - even then it wasn’t true. He feeds off their attention if they give it, imagines they admire him, buys them pot and alcohol even when they were young, and acts like a teen buddy not a dad mostly.
He also came home in a fury last night. At least he didn’t pick on me for it. He said it was about work. I asked what happened and he said he didn’t want to talk about it. I said I was sorry he had a bad day and he went to his room to sink int porn. When he left my daughter says “you know he must have had a fight or something with his girlfriend... if it was work he would have gone on about it”. She also said he wasn’t like his work mad more like depressed mad so she knew it was girlfriend related. She’s a smart teenager. I told her wow- you’re right and insightful. She’s like yeah - you know I was raised with him around. She knows he needs supply. She knows what a narcissist is and what they are like. In two decades the only time my husband has declined to rant, brag or go on about something is when it involves cheating. The girlfriend probably got pissed (if she has an ounce of sense which is unlikely) that she hasn’t seen him in over a month and he’s still trying to keep her in the hook. Actually it’s more likely she’s mad he hasn’t left me - I mean that was his promise to the nasty bitch. She has no idea what she’s getting into. I was thinking yesterday too how long he could maintain this supposed dream life with her. He hates apartments and that’s where he’d be - he’s not gonna qualify for another house anytime soon. He has a big shop full of tools and dirtbikes and we have a small track - that would be gone. He wouldn’t even have a garage - just a storage unit somewhere. He wouldn’t have his own room where he could watch endless perverted porn / I don’t think he could last long without that addiction. He’s have to take care of his own appointments and bills which he never even asks about. Whose gonna take care of that ticket he got and had court for 4 days ago which he forgot to take care of? He can only pretend to be nice when his back hurts for a little while. I doubt it would take near as long for him to taint that relationship as it did ours. But anyways my daughter stated the obvious that I somehow missed.
As I said he also spent the evening on porn from 7 until 1030. This morning again - this time all he searched for was “teen” porn. We have a teen daughter. He is beyond disgusting. At some point a few home truths will be shared but for now I wait.
One extra incident I almost forgot- the other day I woke up when he got up. I stayed up and awake in my room the entire time until he drove away. He has been coming in my room every day and saying good bye with a kiss but that morning he didn’t. I texted him later and said “sorry if I didn’t wake up when you came in have a great day luv u” . He responded “ I will and yeah you were out”. It’s fascinating that I know him so well that in a test I knew he would lie - even in a situation where it wasn’t necessary. He is so massively unreasonable he can’t see reasonableness in others. A normal human would say “ I didn’t- I was in a hurry but have a good day love u too”. But of course he’s not normal. That was Monday so Tuesday he kissed me goodbye. Wednesday morning he kissed me goodbye and that night we had sex. Thursday he kissed me goodbye. And today Friday he left without coming in- this reiterates him being upset over the girlfriend. The day after having a long roll in the bed with his wife?
He was also furious for a bit Wednesday because he thought someone went in his room while he was at work. That’s an overt sign of his potential as a husband and father. What’s he hiding? He walks into my room all the time. So do the kids. I don’t care if they use my phone or grab something out of my purse. I don’t mind boundaries- but his reason for his type of boundaries is to hide and lie. Because he has zero integrity. That is the ultimate crux of the matter and that’s why I hate him.
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