The learning curve

You would think after all these posts and all my Googling and domestic violence counseling that I would recognize each and every point of abuse instantaneously. Not so however - it seems we can be surprised endlessly buy our own ignorance or the display of ignorance from a spouse. Because of the emotional disconnection due to the abuse, the cheating and the lies I'm not consistently interested in sex with my husband. I often try and often succeed but the reward is more hate from him. As we get older we also attribute this to a lower sex drive due to hormones or our busy lives or whatever. Maybe something wrong with ourselves... though at some level I did recognize that the lack of connection equated the lack of desire. But I failed to recognize the abuse intertwined with that lack of desire. I trapped myself and indeed my husband trapped me into a pattern of providing sex under coercion with threat of punishment in one form or another for not complying. I've said that I needed something outside of sex and then when we do have sex if I don't appear to properly enjoy it in his mind then there's an argument or attack afterwards stating that something's wrong with me. That would be the first killer of sexual interest. Next is a lack of care or gentle touch from him just as a person.. Most of the time I have to continue with a handjob as my husband often can't achieve ejaculation without that final step. So then in my mind I'm looking forward to that one additional exhausting task and this would be desire killer number 2. Last night I finally recognized the abuse of coercion used to make these things happen. Well maybe not last night. It started a couple nights ago when I had a migraine. I definitely wasn't interested in sex I took multiple Tylenol and slept on the couch on and off all evening trying to get rid of the headache. But that didn't stop my husband.It didn't stop his emotional coercion that I should still provide him with some sort of sex. I caved in gave him a handjob later realizing anybody that would put me in that position when I've had a migraine all day doesn't care anything for me as a person. That's desire killer number 3 making the next time that much more difficult. The final recognition occurred last night and keep in mind we've already had sex a couple times this week. Every time I come home from a trip as a flight attendant every single night I'm pressured to have sex. If I don't want to have sex then he says "well I can only get it the nights youre home... I am home four nights a week sometimes more and we have sex almost every night Im home. And I actually appreciate him saying thats the only time he gets it. Anyways the pressure started early evening and by 8:30 he was asking me to go to bed when I'd already kind of said no and definitely said no I don't want to go to bed. But the indication was ignored. And so the "you never want it" accusations began and after a quiet moment I looked at him and said you know we have had sex 3 times this past week? you're always pressuring me- there's so much pressure you're always pressuring me for sex. Again his response was to accuse me of never wanting it.. at least he didn't accuse me of cheating this time but he got angry and went to bed saying abusive angry words under his breath as he went- his passive aggressive side he’s working on. This morning when he left for work he said goodbye but he didn't kiss me like he usually does even though I don't prefer it because he wakes me up at 5:30 for no reason but that's besides the point. The point is is that he's trying different tactics to bully or guilt me into having sex when I don't want to which is making it more and more difficult for me to want sex. There's verbal bullying before sex there's guilt-tripping and then if I don't have sex he Alters his treatment of me to share his displeasure as a form of punishment. And I can never cease to be amazed that he can never realize the effects this has how one action can create other effects. His only form of leading to the bedroom is groping me grabbing my ass. In addition to which I've lost 9 pounds on a new diet and instead of telling me how great it is his response was you're not going to get skinny and leave me are you.  so anyways even after all this time be aware there's always something new to learn and the learning curve is always large with a narcissist who has a variety a ways of tearing at you emotionally and verbally.

Fifty Shades of Crazy

Mental instability is a real problem. My husbands inability to reason and narcissistic angle view demonstrate how this is disguised to present a facade to the world. Last week I came home. Kissed him hello. Glad to see him. Looking forward to some us time.All seemed fine. Them out of the blue he tells me I didn't kiss him enough or right. That I don't want anything to do with him...then it spirals into abuse. How I'm a bitch. How its all about me and I do what I want. How I'm cheating. And hes going to make it all about him. He s going to leave me with nothing and quit his job so he doesn't have to pay support. After walking away once to the other room and being physically cornered by him into interacting I said I am not going to live out whats left of this great life with drama and nastiness and bullying every couple days. With my persistent calm he finally realized the seriousness of it and backpedaled and we sat down in the living room peacefully and together. Two days later and there was a similar situation because I didn't respond correctly in bed. A couple days after that I was on a trip and I get a text telling me how disappointed he is and what a liar I am and questioning my honesty because somewhere at some point he managed to track down some spam message from an unknown scam likely number that I received in my phone that even if you Google the place says that it spams people's phones. Of course he backpedaled from that one too after deteriorating into verbal abuse at me for a while. He subsequently realized his mistake but that doesn't mean he could take back the accusation in the first place. I also asked him a pertinent question because when we argue he claims he's Googled my behavior and that it means that I'm cheating. Because he Google's  "my wife's not interested in sex with me" and then he gets the answer she must be cheating so I asked him do you actually Google “I've cheated on my wife” I lie all the time” “ I'm addicted to porn” “ I've emailed other women” “slept with other women” “ I'm verbally abusive" "i tell my wife I hate her and that I'm going to fuck other women" and now my wife doesn't have sex with me why ?” and I told him don't you think you'd get a different answer? So a couple days later I come back from that trip my first night back I'm not inclined to sleep with him - not really inclined to sleep with him at all with all the abuse but the second night - last night I go ahead and I go sleep with him knowing that I probably won't get much sleep because he tosses and turns he snores and he grinds up against me half the night. be that as it may I woke up this morning he's touching me I touch him back.. I have my back to him but I'm kind of responsive if half asleep  After a few minutes I roll onto my back and the shit hits the fan! Apparently rolling from your side facing away from someone and then rolling onto your back equates  refusing to have sex because the instant I hit my back he had a fit. I lay there silently while I slowly woke up realized he was berating me and calling me a bitch and then I sat up and said are you really yelling at me because I rolled over onto my back? and then I got up and I walked my ass out of the room and went back to the other room of course as usual he did follow me but only briefly to tell me he wasn't going to be faithful - like I didn't already know that and like he ever has been and then of course he's disappointed again or something like that. I don't remember cuz I was so sleepy but I mean day-in-and-day-out equals just living from one crazy day to the next. He was in a fury because he wanted doggy style and I dared to roll over! At least I didn't have to have sex with him...whew what a miss. 50 different ways to melt down hence 50 Shades of crazy!

Dating Pains

So over the weekend my daughter was going to an amusement park my husband said he'd prefer that he and I spend time downtown kind of checking it out and walking around it sounded nice and I agreed so we dropped her off at the amusement park and walked over to downtown. I had been enjoying his company and wanted to concentrate on that and him I always think if I'm gonna bear through this life of abuse I can do what I can to make it more bearable and may it can get better. We checked out some of the shops I suggested we get a drink somewhere but he wasn't all that enthused about that idea then I said well we could go to a movie since we were right by movie theater they didn't really go for that idea either. Didn't seem to want to suggest a meal anywhere. It got to the point where I wasn't even really sure why he suggested going downtown in the first place after being there for about an hour the pain started... back pain. his calves were hurting and he lost his sunglasses so the sun was horrible in fact all he did was complain for the entire rest of the day which encompassed several hours of a very limited conversation regarding how much pain he was in. now I know I'm complaining rather than telling a story about abuse but it's kind of an all-encompassing personality disorder indicative of all the underlying problems that come about in our marriage I mean he want a date night but who wants to date someone who talks about nothing but pain.

Rollercoasters

Since my last post I had a nice 28 day Hiatus from work... just worked out well with scheduling and vacation. But alas I had to return to work this past week. After being gone 3 nights was looking forward to returning home I walked in the door kiss my husband hello cheerly asked how his day went. We've been doing fairly well for a few weeks - theres that crazy forgiving hopeful nature I have.I let his grumpy low tone hi slide by. I was supposed to get home at 10 but do do unforeseen problems with the airline I didn't get home until 530. My son needed help with the first lease he's ever signed in his life and I had promised my daughter I would take her to get some things for school originally expecting to have the whole day to do these things and my husband had refused to to take her so I was a bit rushed. I asked my husband if he minded if I took the truck (ours though he views it as his) and I'd put gas in it. He said no, you'll just bring it back with less gas than it has now..the words sound reasonable but the tone was insulting. My car has a broken back window and no a/c so that's why I asked. My daughter complained and I said well Dad said I cant take his truck...if I get a new car Im gonna tell him he cant take it! Then we left. When I got back my son asked for my help with his lease so I spent a short amount of time on that. After that I checked on the dinner and then I sat down in the room with him and again cheerily asked what movie hed picked to watch. In an even grumpier rude tone he told me to pick up the remote and hit the info button. In between all this he'd also been muttering rudeness under his breath..which again I let slide over me like water passing by a sea otter. Then it happened. The rattle had been rattling since I got home and the head was raised..finally the expected attacking strike. The first onslaught was "you're such a bitch. I heard your rude fucking comment about when you get a car. Uh yeah I said but it was the same thing you said to me which was no..how is that ok for you to say but not me? And I didn't get all bent out of shape about it. From there it deteriorated into how I don't want sex with him...uh we had sex 4 times last week I said. But you don't fucking enjoy it. You're a cold bitch. You couldn't handle counseling cuz you wont admit how fucked up you are...and on it went. Narcissist often try gaslighting but thanks to my previous DV counseling I'm familiar with it now - in the old days I would have doubted myself, my thinking, and my fault.  I said I'm sorry but I dont want to fight with you so Im going to walk away a few minutes. I retreated to my sons room for a few because I knew he wouldn't follow me there and abuse me like he does if I go to my room. I didn't talk to my son or say what was going on...just that I needed a minute. Several minutes later I returned upstairs. Within minutes he was verbally attacking and calling me a bitch again. Then stated how improved he is because he actually wants to talk about things. I responded that he wasn't 'talking' hes attacking. Bullying. He said it was different when he traveled because he was making a lot of money and I'm not...uh we had to file bankruptcy because of his self employment. I supported him through 2 self employment gigs..the second one was briefly successful but he was unable to establish truly positive relationships with the connections we needed...temper temper. Then he states my job is all about being away from him..because the world revolves around him of course. No..I enjoy the places I go. I look forward to coming home to him. Until I get here. After continued emotionalism from him and him yelling at me I'm a terrible person and a cold bitch I again calmly state I dont want to fight and go to my room. A few minutes later he follows..and the bitch comments and ragging restarts. The just fucking leave comments from him. We need to just end it he says. Though I'd already stated I'm tired of his roller coaster of anger, yelling, craziness I said it again. He left. He hollered back he was done..hed drop it and I could come watch tv with him. I come out a couple minutes later. Within 3 minutes he started in on the sex thing again. The roller coaster is off the rails.

Crazy Train

My flight attendant overnight is in Amarillo today. Not much of a place. Got to my hotel about noon. Checked out cadilac ranch for 10 minutes.Took a swim. Got some food. Watched tv. Got an emotionally dicey text from my husband about not calling when I landed. I talked to him an hour the night before..after also receiving a dicey text because I took a walk ("I thought you were going to chill in your room"). Like taking a walk is some major offense.  I dont like lengthy talks on the phone. But I do it because he needs so much reassurance and if i don't he will launch a verbal attack. Anyways I called him once I was hanging in my room..like 7. Wish I hadn't. It was an immediate launch into a train of insults and accusations. Mad because hes at home alone while I gallivanting around doing fun stuff. Never mind that I spent years at home alone while he drove deliveries..but of course its different because he didn't do "fun" stuff like me..which amounts to me walking a 2 mile radius of my hotel and being in my room. But oh yeah one time I went to a patio bar and had a soda. I am comfortable with myself. Alone. Able to enjoy the small things. And when I talk to him it becomes more appealing even if its not how Id like it to be.But I spent a good 20 minutes deflecting rude untrusting comments("I'm sure you're fucking around on me") though his one success is that I cant stomach the idea of any kind of relationship so besides the fact that cheating isn't in my makeup I wouldn't desire to anyways. Then he indicated he has been tracking me via my phone because we share emails..I don't check his..I'm way past living life that way. He says its because he misses me..its not. Asked him what he thinks I'm doing...fucking the desk clerk in an alley? Then I deleted his email off my phone..it was only on for contacts anyways. He called to berate me about that...then changed his password..which just popped on notifications..I dont care..its not like when he cheats he uses his main email-he makes a fake one! I told him hes not self aware..its a control issue not love. And dependency. And I told him I'm not going to live out my life in his emotionally unstable tornado that happens every few days. Hes trying to keep me on his crazy train and I never bought a ticket.

I Need A Vacation

A few days ago my son attended an important college event for his future. I was working so my husband took him to the event several hours away. It was also my husbands birthday. I called him 9 times to say happy birthday but phone service was tough where he was at. I finally texted him happy birthday and also called him and left a message singing happy birthday. I'm never sure any more if I'm being genuine since I know if I don't put forth the effort I will be verbally and emotionally abused. When I got home later that night my son was eager to tell me about his event. My husband was excited also and told him to tell me about it. I gave both of them my attention and enjoyed the report and discussion lasting better than 40 minutes. We wound down and my son went to his room. Seconds later..verbal attack! I didn't give my husband a birthday hello kiss. I said "I'm sorry..I was distracted by your news..I didn't mean to. It wasn't on purpose". His response? You're a bitch. A frigid cold fucking piece of shit bitch. You can cancel my tickets for vacation. I don't want to go with you. I'd rather save my money and go with someone else. I can do better than you. I'm done. You think its all about you, you're a lying cheating fucking bitch I'm sure you're fucking someone else in fact I know you are"...this went on in this vein for another 3 minutes until I finally walked away to my bedroom saying I'm sorry but I don't want to fight with you. I went to bed. An hour later he barged in with more insults. Its interesting that the person thats done or doing the lying, cheating etc invariably accuses the one that hasnt of doing so. My only request when I left for work was that he not be crazy when I returned..and he was. When I declined sexual interest the next night this was all rehashed. At first he supported his words. When I disagreed and said his words did not make me desire sex nor his yelling at me he stated that I verbally abuse him too ..although my worst offense is a sometimes snotty tone. Making his attempt to become a victim concerning. And also a textbook narcissist.  But it degenerated all the same winding down to me stating its time to stop crazy train he rides. Though irritated with the constancy of verbal attacks from left field I didnt muster much anger at him. Vacation should be interesting.

Movie Night

One night last month I arrived home from work after 4 legs in one day. 8 hours flying and being on my feet is tiring. I cleaned the house which is always a disaster of piled dirty dishes, clothes and general trash when I get back from a trip. My husband and I greeted each other pleasantly when he got home from work, had dinner (which I cooked) then he put a movie on the tv. I dozed lightly off about halfway through. At the end I awoke to him berating me about how inconsiderate and rude I was to sleep while we spent time together. Its relevant that he falls asleep almost every time we watch a movie including at the theater. Its a bit of a running joke with the kids since he snores. And I dont get bent about it. In fact it doesnt bother me. But of course everything bothers him especially if it gives him an opportunity to bully me. This didn't escalate into a fight as I avoided engaging or defending. Since that night about 3 weeks ago he has been overtly "normal". A veritable facade of reasonableness and loving. The standard alternate manipulation tactic. I did however choose to accept the "new" attitude at face value...the peace and pretense of normalcy is always nice while it lasts. So Ive responded with kindness. I've decided to quit my flight attendant job. Although it provides space from his drama up until this recent turn it made his abuse even worse upon my returns. Twice he hurled so much hate and cruelty I left for work in tears. And my daughter- I can no longer leave her alone in this.But as I said the last weeks have been fine. Then the switch flipped. No idea why. It just happens. Oh wait...must be using porn. Or a hookup let him down. When I got home two days ago same routine. I clean a filthy house. Cook dinner. Greet him when he gets home. Hes unresponsive but I dont sweat it...he had a long day at work. Hes super pissed he had to take our daughter to softball all weekend...says He never gets to stay home and he hates her 'shit' games. All while i get to do 'cool' stuff he says...which is working on a plane and mostly hanging in a hotel room - but I went to a draft league baseball game one night in Wyoming so he resents it and converts it to more emotional drama than a pubescent girl. So hes grumpy. Not nice. Its ok. I can deal. He rags on me because my schedule worked for me to take my girl to an out of town tournament so he has his weekend free as he wanted...but now hes mad because he takes her to all the shit tourneys and I get the cool one. So I tell him several times...you take her then! I dont mind. I can get stuff done. But he doesnt want to take off work as games are thurs to sat.  Then he falls asleep during the movie he put on. Remember that last post about the whole sleeping during a movie? What a hypocrite.  I dont sleep but I let him sleep. After the movie I go to bed and 15 minutes later he opens my door. "So much for missing me" he accuses in an angry tone. I dont answer but in my head...really? He was grumpy, rude, and fell asleep - how did I offend him in that scenario? Ah..he can only maintain the fake guy for short periods..it must have been exhausting for him!  So yesterday I went to my sons baseball games. I texted and let him know Id still make dinner. When my daughter, son and his girlfriend and I got home I kissed him hello. Asked several questions about his day. He answered but a disgruntled mood was obvious so i tread lightly in fear. He spoke briefly to my son about something on tv. Then he reverted to moroseness. He mumbled some self pity comments under his breath about no one giving a shit. Hed been drinking of course. Then he got up without a word and left the room. Went to bed. An hour after I went to bed I heard him open my door. He just stood there for about a full minute. It was actually quite spooky. Hes threatened to kill himself in the past sometimes I think hes really considering killing me. Because hes nuts you know! Not right. Its a sad way to live in your head. And movie nights generally suck by the way.

BadBye

Saturday I left the house at 5:30am with my daughter for her softball tournament over an hour away. My husband didnt want to go as he says he hates spending the whole day watching softball...we wont go in to how that makes our girl feel especially when he never said this about boys baseball.  The last game was at 4:20 so we got home around 8pm. I was tired but the last time I took a nap while my husband was home he became irate at my inconsideration so this time I struggled but stayed awake. He kissed me. Then berated me for not putting enough effort forth (meaning I didn't grab his cock). he announced he was going to bed. I said Id come with him and we went to bed together in his room. We are still active on and off depending on if he’s abusive.He caressed me lightly and I did the same. Then he stopped. I drifted off. He threw the covers off and declared angrily that he might as well watch tv and left the room. After a few moments I got up and retreated to my room. Unsuccessfully as it turns out as after only a few minutes he  came in and yelled that I could actually show that I wanted him. And "you wonder why I look elsewhere. You're a fucking bitch". I mildly replied I was just a bit tired and it had been a long day and that I had caressed him and it wasn't him and I didn't want to fight. He proceeded to call me a bitch, and a selfish bitch and that he was fucking done with me" for another minute or two then left slamming the door and grumbling insults and hate under his breath. Sunday morning another round of games again a 5:30am leave time. We should have taken two cars as I had to be at the airport by 7pm and its an hour from home. But as we left he hopped in the car and I decided it wasn't worth inciting his daily wrath..I didn't think the team would kick ass and be at it all day. The 90 minute drive was tense and uncomfortable as he silently seethed emanating bad mojo into our atmosphere. I kept low key and just drove quietly. The cold shoulder continued through the morning with a few snide insults slipped in which I let pass. Mid day we took a walk for 15 minutes which went peacefully enough. Afterwards we went out to the car to lighten our clothing as it warmed up...he said he was self conscious about wearing a sleeveless shirt because I once told him he was looking emaciated. He is 5'11" and down to 145 from 170 but I wont whitewash that I was throwing an insult in one of his tirades some months back. He said he could tell me Im getting fat and doesn't...to which I replied mildly "well you just did but you'd be right...I really really need to lose 10 lbs off my ass". he told me I was a fucking bitch who didn't listen to his feelings and it was all about me and I was validating what I said. I replied that I shouldn't have said that when I did. So he called me a bitch again and stomped back to the bleachers. I told him he should really address or get help with his anger issues. And to quit trying to pick a fight. Hey good guess readers...he absolutely called me a bitch again! I also headed back but sat some distance away to avoid more of the same. He texted me inflammatory comments still trying to hatemonger. I only texted back that it wasn't fair to our daughter to have an unproductive fight at her game and that she wanted a drink but I was too afraid to ask...and that I shouldn't have to be afraid. Between games my daughter asked him to get her a gatorade..he told her to get it herself. She said never mind in that tone that 13 year old girls can be known to have. My husband grabbed his chair said "I don't know why I even come to these fucking games with either one of you bitches. I'm never fucking coming again". Because that response will totally correct a childs inappropriate tone right?! so after another game another win (3 in a row so yay to the team!) it is getting late and I have a job to get to. I know that though my husbands complaining about being there hes not gonna leave to let me get to work so I call my sons girlfriends mom..shes also at the tournament but at another park 10 minutes away. She kindly agrees to let me hitch a ride but asks if my "husband" can bring me to the other park. I go ask..he says NO. She agrees to pick me up but a few minutes later my husband comes to me "you know what I will fucking take you. Ill fucking get fucking rid of you. Lets go and you can get the fuck out of here you bitch. you can go fuck a pilot. Im fucking done with you". He takes off. I wait several minutes...and no I didn't reply. When I arrived at the car I began to map the park and after a minute my husband starts the viciousness  ":I cant believe you dont know why I have anger issues. I thought you were smart but you're really fucking stupid. You're a fucking bitch. All my friends I talk to agree you're a lying cheating fucking bitch. (possibly but if so based on his compulsive lying and falsifications) You can just get the fuck out. Go fuck a pilot. You're probably already fucking one or there's one you want to fuck. I'm done with you you fucking bitch. I want separate checking accounts and you can get the fuck out". Well that vein pumped blood for another couple minutes in the same fashion with continuous verbal abuse. He then took the keys and stomped off. Now while I've become somewhat immune and strong on occasion a super spoonful of hate dished out all day at me and insults screamed at length for a good 7 to 8 hours can still get to me and I ended up in tears. I waited a good 10 minutes to gather myself after crying for 20. I went over to wait for the game to start and my ride to show. I calmed. Then I walked over to him and asked him if he was proud of himself and how dare he start that shit and say those things especially there. Then I walked away. A bit later he texted and said hed give me a ride no talking with a smiley face. Then he came up and asked and I said why? so you can trap me in the car and hurl more verbal abuse on me. No thanks. Then I left. Then the nice texts start...Im sorry, have a safe flight, love you. I ignored all of it..because does he? It doesn't seem like it. Im going to have to say goodbye...or shouldn't there be a word such as badbye?... to this mean person if I can't find that man I love again...Im not living the rest of my life being abused.

Hi Ho Hi Ho

As a flight attendant I am on reserve/on call. This is my third month. I was called in to work the other day. I told my husband Ive been called in for a two night trip. Silence. Well temporary silence. The devil isn't a quiet person. And it came viciously. "I'm fucking sick of this. I'm sick of taking care of everything. I'm fucking sick of you. Its all about you and whether you're happy. You're a fucking bitch". And it went...on and on and on. I asked why he was being so mean? "because youre a fucking bitch. Just get the fuck out. Leave. You fucking bitch". I had been considering leaving because he has made my working a nightmare. But the abuse reminds me of one of the many good reasons to stay with the job. So I was home a few days. Not good days but not as bad. When I left there was dinner in the fridge. The house was clean. And my son was picking my daughter up from her baseball game (since he complains about doing anything for her). I texted him from my hotel what was done...so he wouldnt have to do ANYTHING. Then I mentioned I might not do this much longer. His answer...its not my fucking fault you picked a job that takes you away from your family". thanks for the support. He verbally abuses me and the peace the kids get from not having to hear it is a positive trade. Plus I really only miss a tenth of what they have going on so Im there for most of it. Hi ho hi ho its off to work I go.

Habits

I've come to the realization that my husband has a unique..or maybe not so unique talent. The ability to be addicted to any habit thats negative. Aka addictive personality. The one he continues to excel at is of course verbal abuse..ill add later how many ways he said fuck you to me yesterday. For now back to habits. So yes, verbal abuse - daily. Pot..an hourly 350.00 per month habit. 2 packs of cigarettes a day at 300.00 a month..he picked that one up a few years ago and is a real pro at it. Porn. Hitting on women online via dating sites. Daily temper tantrums from mild to wild. Saying fuck. Then saying it again. Every other word.  Candy daily. Red bull 2 per day. 12 oz of coffee per day. Leering at women  He is very good at bad habits.
PS he recently added nightly drinking to his repertoire.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

Another year slipped by. I see people still read this blog. Its enlightening even for me after time elapses. I live in the same world with a different view. In many ways Ive grown sorry for my husband - he lives in the same world with the same view. Unable to grow or change. Of course things improved mildly for a good 7 or 8 months after I busted him cheating. We were sexually active and getting along mostly with no major problems. But eventually the narcissistic abuse returned. Progressing as is the nature of the beast. And at its peak I always know that the beast is holding hands with lies. I changed myself and if youre in the same boat know that it really truly can make your life better. Also reading a book called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck"  by Mark Manson helped tremendously. Its not as vague and uncaring as you might interpret from the title. I have come to realize my husband might actually be genuinely nuts if not just incredibly inept.
So some interesting excerpts as I do still blog  into my phone. One night I was talking to my stepmother on the phone about our kids needing braces...she asked why since no one on my side ever needed any and I said from Jeffs side as he and his siblings all had braces. And wow my husband took great offense and said that :"according to me everything bad come from his side". This with my kids and my sons girlfriend sitting there...so I said wow...did you really just flip me off because I said the teeth come from your side? And you took that personally?! Holy crap! My son got crappy wavy hair from my side and I apologize but Im not offended lol. Craze invented drama..ooh ooh to validate what - a reason to cheat?! Heres your sign! Another night we are watching a movie. Suddenly out of nowhere he says "well I guess Ill get y hair cut somewhere since you dont want to". I replied " I never said that". HHe says  "its not like your offering" and goes on about that for 45 seconds. I remain quiet. Then he berates me because I thanked him for a garden spike he got me but didnt hug him. So I gather my stuff tell him I dont want to argue and go to my bedroom. But he follows slamming open the door attacking " see one thing I say about my feelings an your independent ass just walks away". Then he starts calling me a bitch, yelling fuck you, slams the door..I retreated to my bathroom contemplating what this determined attempt to cause angst and drama could mean? Well if you have read past posts then you should be able to guess...surely he is digging back into porn or cheating.
The final confirmation was easily interpreted. In my personal overhaul I pursued a new career as a flight attendant. I wanted to do this at 18 but was too short. But I am on smaller planes and the regulations are different so I followed this past dream and graduated in January. Ive been flying several days a week since the end of January. Last month I got the opportunity to sit in the Captains seat during flight as he had to use the restroom and another person has to be in the flight deck. When I got home I said to my husband "guess what I got to do today?!!" (excited voice). "what?" he asks. "I got to sit in the Captain seat in the cockpit during a flight!". his reply? "he must really like you huh?". OMG. At least I have my kids t\who have a normal response..which is "wow thats cool! youre luck what was it like? how come they let you?'. So now he makes suspicious comments to and tells my daughter Im probably cheating. Uh oh. Guess what that means? It most definitely means HE is cheating! And yup...there he is. Right back on Meetme dating app. cheating away. Last night he berated me for not kissing him hello when hes been chatting up chicks again for MONTHS. I cannot respect such idiocy. He is the most hypocritical shallow person Ive ever met! This is finite. This is dirty laundry no matter how many times you wash, rinse, and repeat!