Show Me the Meat

One thing I have learned from my narcissist abusive husband is that narcissists are never happy. They can be righteous. Angry. But nothing is ever enough and they remain dissatisfied. Most recently I have adjusted my routine to avoid the abusive wrath that doing nothing still seems to bring about. So in the mornings I try to remain in my room...if I'm lucky until he has left for work. He considers this a personal affront even though when I present myself in common living areas he verbally attacks without cause or reason. Indeed sometimes that happens even when I stay in my room. Yesterday was one such day. Over the weekend we went to the grocery store together. We didn't buy much. He didn't say much. My debit card is lost so I don't have a card or checkbook to purchase and he knows this. Monday morning I step out of my room...to the immediate onslaught of him going on about how wed on't have any lunch meat and he can't believe he has to go the fucking store before work. And if he'd known "we" weren't going the grocery store again he would have bought more...etc blah blah. The implication being that "I" didn't go to the store. He went into town...he's certainly old enough to go to the store. I hate it when he does but he still could have. I hate it because he buys lunch food and crap food (chips, candy, junk, cigarettes) spends over a 100 bucks and we still have nothing for dinner. But I digress...he still could have picked up lunch meat any time over the weekend - including when we shopped. But then what would be have bitched about for 5 minutes on a Monday morning? As a side note I also knocked a deer into next week with the front end of my car. Again I adjusted/controlled my actions to avoid instant abuse. In a normal marriage I would of course call my husband first seeking sympathy, empathy and concern. I knew my husband would just be mad. So I waited a couple hours and then texted him. I texted him because I figured he would have adjusted to the information by the time he got home and not be as angry. But he called...annoyed that the car might be damaged he only wanted to make sure it was driveable. He then complained about vehicle issues and then went back to work. So no...he did not ask or display any concern, empathy or regard for me as a person. A narcissist only thinks in terms of what affects them not others...whether its lunch meat or a car accident.

Small Talk

On the way home from seeing our son thre was a mildly awkward silence. Things hadnt gone perfectly because I had dared to discuss a matter in which my son had lacked integrity. Since my husband favors this son and it upset my son my husband had stated (during the conversation) that I really fucking piss him off. So while we wern't arguing the atmosphere wasn't entirely comfortable. At about an hour passed when my husband asked "you seem in thought. What are you thinking about?" Nothing I told him. He persisted asking me a couple more times. Finally I replied that I was thinking about the conversation with my son and that while I didn't mean to upset him and was sorry I had it also was necessary to say. And that I didn't think it necessary fir him (my husband) to have reacted that way. Hard to depict in writing but his words had been delivered with gritted teeth and he bulled up towards me with clenched fists. Anyways my answer elicited a response I am usually beware of...the why do you have to be such a bitch.. why can't we have a normal talk about the weather...or how was your day. I responded that I misunderstood..I thought when he asked what I was thinking about he actually meant just that...apparently it really meant I was supposed to make small talk. But at least it opened his door to telling me what a bitch I am.
As another interesting note...I had asked for a quote for some work on facebook. In private messaging I told the guy his price was too high. So he posted on FB how I was a mean and nasty person. Another man commented that I sounded like a cunt. The inappropriate (and very unproffesional) was deleted by admin. I was telling my son about it and my husband was like "you didnt tell me he called you a cunt. " and suggested he woild have done something about it. But it was fact when i said i didnt day anything because you've called me a cunt more than once so why would I think you'd care?

Tupperware Trouble

If I haven't mentioned it my husband and I have had separate rooms a year. A few days ago I was sleeping..it was 530am and not quite time for me to get up for work. Suddenly my door burst open and I woke to "where the fuck is any fucking tupperware?" being yelled at me. " we never have any fucking tupperware. You use it and then leave it outside. Its fucking bullshit". It went on for a bit. No answer from me - when you live with a narcissist you have to be careful with every response, everything you do or say - anything else is an invitation to receive more abuse.
For example....
Saturday we went to see my son at college. Its a 4 hour drive. by the 3rd hour he was on his 10th cigarette. Knowing that any mention would bring a hail of abuse down on my head for 3 hours I resisted any comment, reaction or action. Bur on cigarette 10 I couldnt take it any more. I attempted to crack my window. But the window lock was on  so I couldnt. He asked what I needed my window down for. I'm like " I cant believe you wont let me crack my window if I want to? Whats wrong with you?". His response was that I didnt need my window down. "All my smoke is going out my window. You're not getting any fucking smoke over there. More will go over there if you roll your fucking window down. I'm not having 80mph wind going through the cab just because you want the fucking window down" etc. I am probably under quoting the f bombs. an argument ensued...while peace is lovely it isnt peace if its at the cost of tolerating abusive controlling unreasonable behavior. Again I told him I could not believe he would not "allow" me to crack my own window if I wanted to, that I would never do that (that is blasphemy to a narcissist). His response was to roll my window and his  down completely although it was cold out still with the window lock on so I had no control. This was huge. I did not let it go. Which of course granted me the benefit of being called a bitch. Told to shut the fuck up. That I never fucking let anything go. And on it went. I will NEVER go anywhere with him again.

Another happy birthday