Rubbed the Wrong Way

 To all appearances my husband suspended his cheating 6 months ago. Only in that he stopped fucking the two sidepieces. Three months ago he was still texting both when he created some rage in his head and self validated a need to. Less than a month ago his main sidepiece texted him yet again...and he answered. Briefly and not conversationally but of note that he still has her number in his secret texting app..and that he answered her. He told me as if that absolves him of any wrongdoing. We have had infrequent sex since he stopped actually cheating. To appease him and avoid abuse I also give him hand jobs- it’s the only way he can cum anyways even with sex. Several time I avoided intercourse with a hand job because he had scans on his penis. When we first had relations after the cheating I wanted him to use condoms. He bullied me out of it. So I checked him so to speak before each intercourse. Last night he wanted sex. There were scabs on his penis. I knew a hand job wouldn’t be accepted as he had complained about one from a couple days prior. He had also complained about not having sex for ‘months’ even though we had just days before! Anyways I asked him if he had rubbers. He said no even though I know he has them in his dresser and his truck. He asked why and I said I’d prefer to use a condom. Again why...well you do have some scabs I answered. He then went on to tell me how he knows he doesn’t have anything he doesn’t have any diseases he didn’t explain the scabs and he got pissed about me wanting condoms. I did say well you don’t know that really neither one of us of been tested. He also tried to turn it around and accuse me of cheating and that that’s why I want to use condoms. Which is kind of ridiculous because after your cheating I’m not wanting to protect him I’m wanting to protect myself. I said well you did say that you used condoms with the woman you were with so what’s the big deal I mean you’re not against using condoms. And he said well not with you. And then he said well we don’t have to have sex then any pull the covers up. I didn’t really react because I’m learning not to do that I just said well OK then and then I got up and made some wings for myself. But in my head I’m thinking how is it OK to use rubbers with other people while you are  cheating on me - supposedly using rubbers- I don’t really believe he did all the time if at all- but why is that OK but it’s not OK for me? So today we went to the grocery store and we have a list of things to get and at the end he was like do we need anything else? I smiled at him and said yes rubbers!! And he said I don’t need any fucking rubbers I’m not gonna use them. So OK again I guess it’s OK and you’re not offended by using rubbers with women you’re cheating with but you don’t want sex enough with me to use rubbers with me. That just rub me the wrong way end of discussion.

Waiting for Tomorrow

So last night as I was writing the previous blog my husband burst in my bedroom door. I did shove my phone down- this blog is essentially my diary and none of his business. It’s my mind and my experiences. He immediately accused me of texting and said he had been lurking outside my window at 1230am watching. Apparently since I was typing he assumed it was texting “someone” (implying a man) based on what he would do -not me. I was typing my blog and texting my daughter who was on her way home. I also found out in talking to my daughter later that when I went to meet the gal from my group for lunch that he grilled her about it and when she didn’t remember the name of the person I was meeting he rolled his eyes and implied that she was lying for me. Not only is that inappropriate to approach my daughter in that manner but I would never ask my daughter to Cover for me to see a man. In one of his messages to women he told one of them that his son‘s new about his affairs so based on the way he talk to my daughter I believe that he would in fact have them cover for him . This is at least the fourth time in two weeks he has instigated some imaginary scenario to create conflict which will allow him to validate cheating and abuse. He went on about how he doesn’t trust me and “all bets are off”. Which means he’ll cheat - but oh wait he already does so what’s changed? I’m still alone. He’s still talking to women. Same old. Then he let me know that he came in my room recently when I wasn’t here and went through the spare phone we have. I thought he was going to use it when his broke so I had set it up for him months ago but he didn’t want it. So he was irate that I had his email on it even though it was just set up for him for the phone. And he has alternate secret emails for cheating so it’s irrelevant. Then he said his facebook was on the phone with his info but he lied as there is no Facebook even on that phone.I would assume him lying about it was only to validate more attack but since it wasn’t true it holds no validation value. He also complained about his texting app which was the one piece of fantastic info that wa on that phone - now I know how all the messages with women disappeared off it. Well except for the last sidepiece - he kept hers. And he kept all of them until this - so I knew all along he was manipulating me. If he has true intent he would have deleted them and the whole app when he claimed he changed. He also accuses me of being on dating sites. This is also untrue so again I can clearly see what he’s actually doing based on his projecting his behavior on me. He frequents meet me also called tagged. The only time I was on there was to catfish his profile. The only other site I’ve been on was tinder for a couple months. At the time he’d had his side supply for several months and I thought I needed the same. I got one sort of date out of it that was awkward and I couldn’t handle so I hiked with the guy for a short time said bye and never spoke to him again . Then I deleted my profile. I realized he and I - we are not the same. Even in the face of abuse and cheating I am not a cheater. At the moment I’m truly exhausted. I’m tired of the lying the false accusations the projecting and the verbal attacks that come out of nowhere. Today I’m just tired I’m waiting for tomorrow

Projection

So after giving my husband a back rub and going 10 miles into town to get propane I got ready to go meet a gal from my support group for lunch and a walk. I told my husband that I had plans - and what they were. He proceeded to tell me “I can’t believe you made plans with someone else”. “ I can’t believe you aren’t going to take care of your husband”. I replied that I certainly had as I’d given him a backrub and got propane. He proceeded to tell me what a poor job I did at the back rub. And also that the only reason I got propane was because he ‘made’ me. I said you didn’t ‘make’ me do anything - you didn’t push me in the car and drive me to the store! He proceeded to tell me that this just wasn’t going to work if I was going to just leave and not stay home all day.  I told him I made the plan not knowing he would be home and that I’d done what I could for now and as he started to berate me further I said I can’t do this and left. I did enjoy my day with a lady who I can relate to and liked. Things weren’t awful but they weren’t good when I got home either. He didn’t ask about my day but he did ask if it was a woman. He could have asked in a way that wasn’t based on his own lack of trustworthiness since of course it was a woman. Then he asked “did you take pictures of you guys?”. I said “of course I did because I knew you’d be a psychopath about it so I had to have proof” - even though I have never cheated. Never talked to a man. Never had a connection to a man. While he’s had tons of all that. I am exhausted with all this. I don’t even accuse him of anything even though he’s cheated and lied for years. Usually though anything he’s accusing just means it’s what he’s doing. So now I know. It’s called projection.

Sorry Not Sorry

 As typical once per week my husband is home from work because his back hurts. He's been to the doctor who not only prescribed pills but has suggested and agreed to perform cortisone shots which would relieve the pain. But that was months ago and hes yet to follow through on scheduling. Last week he mentioned that he needs to do that and get a rotten tooth pulled but has been avoiding it. I told him I was amazed because if it was me and I had his pain I would have scheduled that shit yesterday. I can only think hes unwilling to sacrifice the negative attention and victim card it provides.

So anyways he wakes me up at 4am. "give me a back rub". I was asleep and the words are what woke me. I didn't say anything but I did comply - if I didn't I would get bullied anyways. After 5 minutes he said "rub harder". which I also did. Then 5 minutes later he rolled over because it hurt too much. The he started in on verbally abusing me over propane. "we never have any fucking propane for me to take a hot bath '' (not true - we had it the day before). "no one ever takes care of it to make sure I can have a hot bath". (also not true since I get propane 90% of the time). "no one makes sure theres propane". (no I am not a walking gas gauge nor is he). Then he went into the whole "i'm tired of working every day" "your life is perfect" " you dont take care of your husband" "and you wonder why I talk to you like your a piece of shit" blah blah. I did go in finally at 620am and got propane. When I got back after a bit he came into my room and said "I'm sorry for the way I was earlier and how I talked to you". I didnt say anything. And a minute later he said "but I'm sick of being the only one that does anything around here and picking up all the slack. You fucking do something". Yeah thats not sorry AT ALL. Then he asks for a backrub again. and says he doesn't know what to do. I said you should probably get a shot. That set him off. The mean tone "its not like I can do it today" (I didnt say that). "thanks for not taking care of your husband" (didnt say that either). anyways I'm not sorry either. I am sorry I put out the night before last though.

Travel Plans

 My daughter has softball out of town next month. My husband wants to go - using the “I want to be there to support my daughter” and yet he doesn’t stay for games when they are at home. And he complains about watching. I don’t want him to go. With his history of anger every single time we travel I just don’t want that. He did go to her games Sunday. In between I was checking email. Looking at TikTok. And as standard he asked “who are you texting?” It’s exhausting. It’s projection. I ignored it. Then he got testy “what you’re going to ignore my question?”. So I answered nobody. That wasn’t an answer that fit his own behavior or the agenda to argue so he said “ you ask me all the time”. I replied I do not. His response “you wouldn’t tell me anyways and bullshit you do to ask all the time”. My reply “ I definitely do not ask. In fact I make a point of not asking because you would, and have, lied about it anyways”. He then called me a bitch. So I removed myself to sit some distance away staying in a calm even tone that I have boundaries and being called a bitch crosses my boundary and I will not tolerate it. I said he could ride home with our daughter and asked for my car keys to which he said no and refused to give back. So this is just a sample of why i don’t want him going on this trip. So I tried to approach the subject gently on the phone. I asked that we come to an understanding. He said he was hesitant. I said I was too and that I wanted to establish that he wouldn’t get angry. At one point the day before he’d said as long as our son went he’d be fine - basically saying he can control it to maintain a facade to our son. anyways when I said that instead of discussing he immediately did the turn around saying - “you act like I’m the one that gets angry.” You are I said - in Miami you initiated anger and I own none of that and other times. So he hung up on me. He literally validated my concern about anger. The subsequent text conversation was just as bad.

“Ya and your on your righteous rant so nvr mind I'll just stay home tell Rio I'm sorry”

Me: “ It's called trying to have an open and honest discussion and expectations so that we could be on the same page. I was not mad nor did I hang up on you in anger. The point was to come to a goal of not having anger on the trip and the response was anger😳. 

“ No but you were telling me how I'm the problem so I guess I'll quit being your problem. You seem to think I'm a angry piece of shit that you really don't want much to do with. I can't change that and ya I get angry when i'm talked to like you do.

Me: “ If you want to imagine I said any of that it's your decision. If you want to change the words to things that were never said by me that's your decision.

Two sentences and he made up all that extra drama because open discussions are only allowed if he’s yelling at me but not if I try to have a calm meeting of minds.

I’m sure I’ll have a great update post trip.