Casual Encounters at the Movies

Last week another accidental phone peek event led to the discovery that my husband is in high gear cruising the casual encounters on Craigslist. I did not confront him...instead I posted my own ad. It read something like this : to my husband: Yeah, you..5'11 ft with brown hair, eyes, and a moustache. Did you think I didnt know you were still trolling CL looking for sex? I dont care but I do care that you think Im stupid. So get over your own cleverness and stop being a lying jerk. Of course I received numerous responses...surprisingly most were in the "you go girl" vein. Several were hookup offers. A couple were insightful. The only one I continued dialogue with was a man who walked my husbands mile. He lost the love of his life in a disheartening similarity to my situation. He was emphatically forthright and gave me some insight. It was a brief conversation but was impactful.  And yet he had recognized and conquered his moral turpitude. I don't think my husband is driven enough to do that. Until his email I was maintaining my emotionless facade. He cracked it...but as far as I've come the chink was but a pinprick. And gone by the time my husband got home. I look at him and my emotion blanks...while my thoughts run a diatribe in my head...mainly what a douchebag he is! One item of note...we went to the movies again. Once over we got up to leave...as I stepped into the aisle a couple young kids stepped out also so I stopped a moment to let them pass..they turned the other way though...and in those brief seconds my husband said "GO' with impatient rudeness...then actually shoved me from behind on the steps. I immediately addressed it...calmly telling him it was unnecessary to shove me. Of course this pissed him off to where he minimized it telling me I was crazy and a nut job being dramatic about him pushing me...acting on his addiction by trolling CL equals rude encounter at the movies.....

Illusions

I have put my troubles in the foreground of this blog. Im feeling retro today my nod to the obvious question...why have I stayed? From 95 to 06 ish my husband and I had a great relationship filled with love, laughter, and good times. We had no real fights...not even arguments. We enjoyed the same things, the same goals. I loved and admired him and felt loved and taken care of in return. Life was great and so was the sex. He had a stack of porn magazines that I never thought twice about...I had no issues with the 'normal' occasional porn and chalked it up as just that. The first time I realized he was looking at porn on the internet I wasn't bothered by it...just thought it was more normal guy stuff. But this was the year the internet became more prevalent everywhere including our home. As time went by he seemed to be looking more and more until I finally mentioned that maybe it was too much. It was just a talk...I didnt see it as a problem at this point and we were still best friends and lovers...a groundwork laid for years. He cut back for a months close to a year then started creeping on again...spending more and more time on it. Started to have a hair trigger temper as well that involved calling me names and berating me. I didnt check his history...I just knew he was up late a lot. I mentioned it again...and again he cut back. But this time his hiatus was shorter. The abuse and temper worse. Soon he was back at it...and this time he also started to verbally and emotionally abuse me every other day.. I know now that this correlated to his porn addiction but at the time I was confused and hurt and wondered what I had done. I was conflicted still seeing the man I thought I knew in denial about what reality was. The next porn bust I searched his history and realized that far from casual use were literally thousands of pictures...cookies, temporary internet files, emails. This time the argument an argument from my hurt was on. He also became a lewd flirt in public...striking up conversations with any and all decent looking woman at our kids wrestling tournaments.  He also got the hots for the neighbor. After several major fights in a matter of months he started trying the liar avenue...erasing history etc. But I still found the cookies. My confidence dwindled...and with it my desire for sex...I felt unattractive and self doubt became my companion. When we argued my husband learned to skillfully turn it around until I believed I was the one with problems, that I was a bitch, told me it was my fault that he emailed women for sex and that I was being sensitive and all men look at porn. I felt shame. I couldn't talk to anyone..it was too tarnishing. He was eventually apologetic and at times admitted he had a problem but that admission was just to pull me in to his control...I tried to compete but came out feeling I was no match for what he REALLY wanted. I became a doormat...and had no confidence. At one point we again had a huge fight...for the first time the ugly 'D' word got thrown out there. When my husband repented he would cry...unusual for him and hes a construction worker so to see him break down was sucker play...me being the sucker. I still held on to the love I felt and wanted to forgive, to have future dreams with him. Manipulative bastard. I always forgave him, believed his lies, and tried to trust again...it took almost as many years to give up as it did to be great. I've come full circle...I finally realized it wasn't ME...an eye opening book by Lundy Bancroft, a counselor who told me it wasn't me or my marriage that needed work - I needed DV counseling, my dv group, and one on one dv counseling. I couldn't work on him..you can't work on someone else but I did work on me. When I stand up for myself in the face of abuse my husband runs his pattern...first hes righteous...then he turns it on me, gaslights me into thinking I am crazy, then repents, apologizes,  then threatens to leave me destitute and take the kids, physcially pushes me around...all this in his fight for porn, escorts, cl hookups, lies and abuse. I am the love of his life...I no longer think IM the fool...HE IS. But I stay...its complicated...we have kids and run their team sports so our lives are entangled. I don't work so I get to enjoy the kids every day  that leaving would not allow. We have a house that would be hard to sell today. I have three large dogs...cant rent a place with them. Its also hard to walk away when you have laid the groundwork of what you thought was love for years.  I cant help but still see the man I thought I married when he tells me he loves me.. And at times he seems like the man I love much like fools gold looks real. But hes just lying (big sigh). We still enjoy life together at times too. I stay...but my mind has been leaving little bits at a time...if he asks whats wrong I no longer share. I don't wear my wedding ring. I am bland...I've shut it off. And maybe I'm just waiting...for him to come back when in reality there is no him to come back..it was and is an illusion.

The Girl in the Bobby Socks!

So I took a hiatus from blogging...my husband was laid off and at home for 2 weeks so I couldnt regale my blog with my troubled heart and life..if I can say that when I no longer believe in romantic "love". My husband give-eth belief...then take-eth away! And no...I wasnt the girl in the bobby socks. We were at my sons baseball game. As we waited for the game to start my husband went out in an adjoining field to play catch with my other son and his friend. A couple hundred feet away from them, closer to me, I noticed a gal practicing softball with a few people. She had a tight t-shirt on with sizeable boobs. Short shorts. And socks to her knees. Nothing super special...but I laid the bet in my mind that my husband would find a way to strike a conversation with her. I watched as the game got ready to start and they quit playing catch. My son and his friend walked towards where I was sitting...walking a direct line up the sidewalk. Of course my husband veered 75 ft out of his way to the outside of the field...lo and behold he ended up walking literally 3 feet behind the "hot" girl in the field...striking up a conversation. Then stood by the group of strangers regaling them with his humor and comments...especially the girl in the socks. While my other sons game started. Called it...the predictability shows me how many times this has happened. One time I talked to a man sitting in front of me at a baseball game...about baseball..while my husband was sitting behind me. I didnt sit by, or approach, the guy...it was just a short conversation about the team playing. My husband punished me for 4 days for that...anger, silent treatment, berated me. But Im not the Girl in the Bobby Socks. Theres no such thing as love.