Imagine That

 Things have been relatively calm for the past two weeks or so. At first there were a couple of small incidents which I can’t completely recall offhand but I let them slide by to keep the peace. There’s also been two incidents where my husband has been unusually reasonable. I’ve learned over time to find that suspicious. He started another love bombing phase though it’s not as extravagant as he used to be. But he’s been fairly nice and in some instances as I said too reasonable. In one incident he made a joke about cheating -something he does frequently and I’ve told him that I don’t find the jokes funny. In this particular instance in an even tone I told him that I don’t find jokes about cheating funny and that I would like it if he would not make such jokes. He responded that he agreed and he didn’t know why he made those kind of jokes and he would try to do it less. This isn’t the type of sentiment that I’ve ever seen him really support with his actions so the words seemed fashioned to manipulate me. He’s also struggling with erectile dysfunction. Unbeknownst to me it appears this has been going on for a long time. He has various sex toys in his room including a very strange electrical stimulation system with cock rings and he also has a variety of ED pills. And yet at this point he’s unable to ejaculate and struggles maintaining an erection. But like any narcissist he is very ego driven so I’ve been put in a position of having to fake orgasms again. Trying to direct things in a way that will satisfy me sexually only offends his sense of ego. And offending his ego leads to anger and/or verbal abuse so in my own interest of safety this is what I’ve had to do. I have asked him again in a reasonable tone if he experienced the same difficulties with his most recent skank partner. Instead of getting angry at me bringing up the subject of his cheating which again is also unusual he responded in a reasonable manner of discussion stating that the problem is ongoing. I’ve asked the questions in order to see if there’s a way to help him improve his sexual satisfaction. Although I’m not sexually attracted  it’s imperative at this time that I maintain a semblance of control in order to keep life stable. Unfortunately I also stepped back to observe myself. I found myself somewhat concerned actually very concerned that I might be getting sucked back in by the narcissist. By what is not real. By being manipulated by him. And I don’t wanna fall down that rabbit hole again. That rabbit hole is filled with pain for me and dishonesty cheating and manipulation by him. So this morning I asked him how many there were. I also told him I received a strange friend request. He didn’t ask what that friend request was or I would’ve told him it was from Amanda- someone who said he was pursuing her just recently. The reason he didn’t ask is because he became immediately angry at facing any truth that involves responsibility for horrible behavior. He said he wasn’t gonna go back over the last three years and happy fucking morning. Which tells me a lot. There have been many women and it’s been over the years. It also did what I needed it to do which was to put me in check and remind me of who he really is. Who he is in the mirror and the lack of integrity that he has as a person and as a husband. I’m hoping to still maintain the peace and certainly won’t be mentioning this in immediate future but I’m glad that I did even if it ruffled the peace because I needed it. I needed it for my mindset. I need it for my mental health and determination. Imagine he’s gotten away with what he’s done to our marriage. But it’s just that - his imagination