Not so Happy Holidays

This will be a mini chapter post. Just how wrong things are on a daily basis. Emphasized by the season.

Right around thanksgiving...well I already went over the texts he sent and his stopping by the Juicy Duchesses place - or where she lives with her Mom anyways. Yuck. Anyways there was and Amber alert for a 13 year old girl. It went off 4x And I said "well thats enough alerts". He responded 'yeah Im sick of those ambers about that bitch". I said 'what?! Shes not a bitch thats just a lot of alerts." He says "yeah but it's some 41 year old she knows that she's with". Ugh. I answered thats not on her-shes just a kid! to which he replied "she's 13 she knows what she's doing". WHAT?! "maybe she was groomed but she's 13 thats still a kid and victim. But it shows me more of what is wrong with him.

The weekend after Thanksgiving we were in the store and he asked if we need tv dinners. I said i didn't know but thought we had some. He said our son ate them and I say "oh okay". And he replied "I don't think I ever make you happy". Like wtf? Made no sense.

Next day he sneezes. I say bless you. He then berates me for not saying bless you "yeah thanks for the bless you like you ever say it to me". I did say it - he is very hard of hearing. I mostly do but really - no one else would act like that over someone not saying it. Just more attempts to attack.

Couple days later I was gone a bit while he was home. Didn't take much to realize he snooped my room. When I asked about it it..mildly...he said he went in to get tooth picks but the toothpaste and other items were still on top of the floss toothpicks so he lied. For what I don't know.

This one I stood up for myself. So he had wrecked his truck and got 5k for the old thing and another 2k for a bike that was in the back and not really damaged. Then he borrowed another 1k from his family. Then while I tried to stay out of it he insisted on my input. I said no a few times but he wouldnt let it go.I finally said well you have almost as much now as we bought it for and then borrow to upgrade rather than replace. I didn't mention that the truck was financed in my name too and I was working. I won't even go there. And I told him he would borrow money from his parents to upgrade himself but hasn't borrowed money to replace my daughters broken window thats been that way for at least 3 years. (Which he doesn't even seal - I do. Its Colorado. Her room freezes.) Then he has the audacity to say why don't I borrow money from MY family?! Yeah - my family that pays 20K a YEAR for college? While his parents have paid 2k and only on one kid?!Yeah fuck ALL the way off.

December 15 he got off work early due to wind. First thing he did was text the Duchess (her online stupid name). Yuck.

December 16 he tells me he 'wants to be honest' so tells me he likes some girls and babes (yuck again) on Instagram. I'm like "I don't care do whatever". He says "but I want you to care! I just want to be honest". I told him that doesn't make any sense - so you want me to care but you'll do it anyways? Yeah no. I don't care". Inside voice says stau the fkk away from me.

Tuesday before xmas out shopping -reluctantly with him on my part. I went into ulta and sprayed some perfume on me while in there while he waited in the car. When I got in he said I smelled good and in a semi generous response I leaned to him and exposed my neck for him to smell. Then I pulled back to start the car. And he got all pissy and said "you sure shine me off well". I didn't respond -trying to avoid inevitable verbal abuse. No luck. He started in on how "he gets it and won't be working on it" and blah blah. After several minutes I was like - way to work on it? For what -two weeks maybe?Any idea of the damage you did texting that girl?He says thats a month ago. I'm not bothering with saying I know he did again a week ago. he also harrassed me in Wendys drive thru for being on my phone for 30 seconds when I drove all day so obviously wasn't on my phone. He was on his. Hypocrite.

Omg. Then the trash. Been sitting in the kitchen over a week. I asked my son to take it out and he got rude about me asking my son. Apparently I'm supposed to ask him because he can't see what he steps around every day. And our son doesn't live here.

Christmas eve our other son needed his room So my husband slept in mine. Or was going to. In a misplaced moment of generosity I initiated sex. It was...nothing. And neither of us completed. I finally said lets take a break. After a few minutes he started touching me. And he wouldn't stop. Like over 30 minutes. I kept still. I finally set his hand aside - It was 1am and the pounding had hurt. I needed rest. A few minutes later he started putting on his underwear so then I started putting mine on. And that's when he attacked. Told me that was fkn bullshit. That I didn't enjoy it. That that's the last time he's ever sleeping with me. Not that I care about the threats. But the screaming and berating. He left and came back twice to yell at me some more. I didn't actually respond to any of it other than shaking my head to myself. Reasoning with insanity can't be done.

The worst part. After he does these things he seems to think I should want a kiss. Or to spend time together. REally.

Leopard Spots

 He is sinking quickly and easily. But I’m not. He’s shown me who he is and I can’t unsee it and for some reason that makes him less capable of hiding it. My instincts are true and I know what I know. Last weekend I saw that he visited Tagged a dating site and checked his messages. The first night I said nothing. The next night he started pressuring me about sex. Did I forget to mention he has herpes? Anyways just continuing to deny him was getting risky and he was getting angry. I told him I wanted to want sex. But I had a question.So I decided to handle it but in a new me way not an old me way. So I didn’t accuse - I asked him if he’d been in any sites he shouldn’t be. His first answer was “not really”. I asked what not really meant and if he was sure. I could tell he knew that I knew. So he said well yes that he’d been on tagged. I quietly too a breath then thanked him for being honest and that I appreciated him being honest. He then proceeded to gaslight me by blaming me for him being on the website because he “was looking to see if I was on. Then he asked the same - if I was on dating sites. I have never been on a dating site that 1) I didnt find via him being on it 2) that I wasn’t on to catfish him or 3) ever chatted with someone in. Whereas he has had sex with women off sites. Anyways I replied no I’m not. That’s not my thing. Did he thank me? Accept my answer? Fuck no. He said “ I think you are. I think you lie. I think you have options and are texting guys. If you went out and got drunk I think you’d go fuck the first guy you met”. I explained how insulting and hypocritical that is and we talked in circles for a good 7 minutes. When I said I had enough and went to my room he said “you need help”. Ha! For what? I wasn’t even angry. I looked at him and told him that gaslighting and diverting no longer works on me and that me reacting to him crossing my boundaries is his issue not mine. That was pretty much it. In some ways relieving as it validated not having him touch me. He still thinks I’m the sucker he can fool and lie to - complete lack of realization. Then a couple days ago I find out that the Saturday before thanksgiving he texted one of the women he said he wouldn’t - in fact he said he didn’t have her number. Liar. He texted her 3 separate times over 2 days trying to get ahold of her. And in the text I see that he also stopped by her moms house - where the 40 yr old loser lives- twice! I asked him about this also. Of course at first he lied. Then he admitted it and said it was an impulsive mistake. Um 3 texts over two days AND you went by her house?! Not impulsive but persistent. I didn’t say this. I calmly said I am just tired of the lies. I don’t care. It is what it is. I can’t choose who you want to be. I can only choose me. And I walked away. The next night he wanted a kiss and hug when he got home from work. What?! I said no. Do you really believe you can do what you want and I’m not going to set my consequences on it? For me? He said “ I don’t do whatever I want”. Ha . I didn’t answer that one except in my head which is if he’s not doing what he wants then what he wants must really be disgusting. As I told him he hasn’t changed one bit. He just thinks he’s lying better. He’s not. Leopards do not change their spots. 

As a little addendum today in the car he said “if he could just get our son to text him back”. I said he’s probably in baseball practice right now. And he said “ well I know I wasn’t saying I expected him to call me right this minute”. And his inflection was defensively rude as if I’d insulted him. I chuckled lightly and said I was amazed how he could take a mild statement and treat it like I’d made a grave insult. He said what “I didn’t hear you”. And I said nothing - then he replied about how I was making something out of nothing and started tagging on me about being mad. Ho hum. I smiled and lightly said what - I’m not even close to mad - but I thought you didn’t hear me? That ended that.

Creepers

 Today is thanksgiving Thursday. It’s tougher this time of year. He’s been back to teen porn- when we have a teen daughter. This offends me. The reasons are obvious to anyone but him. Tuesday we were in the living room. A mutual friend messaged me about visiting so we could see their baby. I was messaging back when he walked over and made a point of looking at my phone and saying “huh” in that tone. I showed him my phone and informed him of what I was doing. Then he said “I’m not mad about it no reason for you to get excited”. I replied that I was not excited and to not turn around what he instigated and say I was the issue. And that he’s gaslighting and that no longer works. Then I walked away. But it’s these constant accusatory digs - from the cheater. It’s exhausting. Last night we were alone together and it was…okay. I felt loneliness creep on me. He was ‘courting’ me..for sex really. And part of me wanted to want him. But he’s been on porn a lot- and the teen stuff. And I also know he was on a dating app called tagged yet again. Checking his messages. I couldn’t muster up to the idea of sex without asking about these so while I didn’t reject him I didn’t really respond to his advances either. And I while I needed to ask the question I didn’t want to risk arguing or rage so I kept quiet. Surprisingly he accepted that and we went to bed separately. I spent hours in bed with self doubt, wishes and thoughts. Today was the same. We got along all day. Again the loneliness..the lack of physical- or any- connection. Again he was giving me gentle physical attention. I wanted to want sex with him. But I needed to clear my head of the tagged question. So with calm and a low even tone devoid of accusation I asked if he had been on anything online that he shouldn’t. At first he replied not really. I stayed quiet. After 15 seconds he added that he had been on tagged. Then he justified it by saying he only went on to see if I was on there. I’ve never been on there by the way. Anyways I took a breath in my head. A few seconds. Then I told him thank you. That I appreciated his honesty. And accepted his answer with that. He then asked if I had been on it or any sites. I said no..that I don’t do that. He said “ well I think you chat a lot. I think you have conversations. I think you have options”. Yeesh.  I responded with “ I have never cheated but why is it the cheater - you- is always accusing me”. In the course of this he told me I’ve talked to others - I said I’ve told you about that ( it was a fellow narcissist victim not a connection) and he said yeah that guy on Facebook. “No. That’s not true. I’ve never talked to any man on fb” . He rewrote the story in his head about one comment from a school mate from grade school that is of no interest to me. He then proceeded to tell me that he thinks that if I was out with friends and got drunk I would do “some guy”. And that I’m vengeful. Also claiming he friended a strange chick on ig and liked every one of her posts to help her confidence. I told him not to play that as we both know that’s not true. I also told him I asked a question and accepted his answer while he accused me and insulted me basically calling me a vengeful hoe. When I said I’d never cheated he said he didn’t know that. Ugh. I’ve never even spent a night or afternoon away from home other than afternoons when I worked. And I said why am I defending myself when you’ve cheated and even had one in our home? Which of course he replied “oh god here we go”. This really went in that same circle awhile. Then he said he was just trying to tell me his feelings. I responded that insulting me and accusing me are not feelings. I did tell him that if he had just got drunk and cheated we wouldn’t be where we were. But that he didn’t make a mistake he made a pattern. And he didn’t need to be drunk. He said how do you know? Jesus. I said because I know you weren’t drunk every day when you were texting and seeing a woman for months. He then went on to say “not that I could blame you if you did. You’d have every right to. I know I’m to blame for us”. I took pause. Then told him that’s where we differ. I don’t have that right to cheat. No matter what he’s done. That no one deserves that. Not even him. And without the empathy to understand that he couldn’t see what he’d done to me or us. That he’s just validating that behavior which is not us. He also went on a bit about me being on my phone.I watched a 2 hour movie while he was on his and I wasn’t. But he never sees that. Or says ‘you know I’m looking at trucks for sale’. And tagged I said. Shake my head. I did tell him that I had wanted to want sex. But that I was blocked by needing to ask him if he’d done anything inappropriate. That I asked and didn’t accuse. And said thank you and accepted his honesty. And that when he asked me I answers his question. And why didn’t I deserve the same courtesy? Instead of accepting my answer he argued, accused, invalidated my answer then insulted me. That left us in stalemate. He apologized. Neither of us got angry. So hello loneliness I’m here. It’s not creeping. It’s just here.

Not True

 So yesterday my daughter and I went shopping. She had an unexpected day off of school and I’ll take what I can get on time with her when she suggests it. So we’re out shopping and my husband calls. I honestly didn’t want to answer after the disastrous conversation with him Monday. And the follow up Tuesday. But I answered because…foolishly..I thought to avoid more rage. He asked what we were doing. I said shopping. He said with what money. I said we’re just looking if that’s ok with you. Well maybe you have money he says. So I said bye have a nice day. So he texted me “you’re a mean person”. Just an attempt to get attention and a response that gave him a rush. So I tested it. I answered “you know that’s not true”. No response. 10 min later i added “but thanks for yelling for 10 min yesterday”. This time a response in 5 seconds “see you can answer without an insult - mean person”. Interesting since it wasnt an insult anyways just a mild statement of fact. I answered “we know that’s not true” and again no response. So if I’m not feeding into chaos he doesn’t respond. At least sometimes. So I have a new catch phrase hoping it will work for awhile. So tonight he got home early so I got caught actually being in the living room. I’ve been avoiding that to avoid his rages. He started ranting about our son and the car he borrowed. I didn’t say anything. Then I asked what time his chiro appt was (he’d told me he couldn’t make it then got home early). He said aggressively that he was sick of having to do fkn shit after work and started raging about having to do everything himself. I lightly said unfortunately no one can go to your chiro for you. And he got mad. Parodied me and started ranting so I quietly got up, told him his dinner was in the microwave and headed to my room. He continued to rant and mumble but I couldn’t hear most of the words. Probably thankful for that. He scares me. Tomorrow I’m hiding his gun ammo. I think he’s dangerous and murderous right now.

Tick Tock

 The other day my husband called me harsh. I took exception to it. Maybe because I have a better grasp of the dictionary and know that it means unpleasant. Mean to the point of being disliked. When I told him I felt insulted he told me it’s how I’ve always been and a reason he “fell in love” with me. It’s laughable. I was sweet, naive (dumb as it turns out), trusting, silly and vulnerable. A “harsh” person wouldn’t have spent an entire summer crying out the truck window while he verbally tore me apart screaming at me. I’m still not harsh. But he perceives it that way because I started standing up for myself after years of abuse. When I sent him the definition of harsh to show why I was offended he told his “therapist” who laughed. She has no clue what a narcissist is and is being played. Earlier in the week I let him know that I knew he had followed a strange girl on Instagram and liked every single one of her inappropriate posts. I didn’t make a big deal - I texted him. Of course he didn’t address it. I also told him I’d made a fake fb account then blocked it with my real account. Then deleted the fake account- and guess what? It was still on my blocked list. So then he changed his story and said he had unblocked and then it disappeared. It wasn’t even a text on fb. The LIES. Always. I did tell him I was going to start an Instagram for men to like all my posts. He got so angry - such a massive hypocrite. So then Sunday we went to my daughters softball. I took a selfie. Of course he had to make a snot remark asking who I was sending it to. No one I said. He asked how my new ig was going I said fine. He said he doesn’t do selfies- hun- I told him I’d seen his half naked selfies he sent so yeah he does. He sends dick pics too but I didn’t say that. We got into over that. He tried to compare people that follow me - that I don’t follow back and don’t like their posts- to him friending a female and liking every single one of her posts. I walked away from the truck and went and sat to watch the games away from him. Later while we waited for our girl after the game I finally went to the truck and he started shit again so I walked away again. An hour later I went back. Leaned in the back seat and plugged my phone into the charger cord that my daughter had back there. Again he just had to be a jerk. Said I didn’t have to sit back there to hide my phone. I told him I’m not I’m just using the charger. Again he said “oh I know why you’re sitting back there to hide your phone”. I told him all he was doing was starting shit again (3rd time) and again walked away. I did call him crazy this time though. So he peeled out in the truck and left for awhile. I still wasn’t offended. He told his therapist he did that to help her confidence. What a joke. I didn’t hear that my daughter did when she went to get her laptop but she thought it was ridiculous. I assume his “therapist” bought that. So she wouldn’t be much of a therapist. When I went to my girls room I heard him bitching because I post pics on my Facebook when I remodel a room but I don’t post how proud of him I am that he did a “3000 dollar car rebuild”. Um which he’s never done. Nor has he EVER posted anything I’ve done. It’s hypocritical Bull. I can’t even stand the amount of narcissism going on. I don’t even care if he posts about me doing something. I like my little remodels. He should post his own shit. Then today. Texts me in the morning and says he’s gonna get fired. I didn’t get the text til a half hour later maybe so he sent a second one saying i didn’t care. There is some validity to that but I’m not a mean person so I just asked why. He didn’t answer til later- though I didn’t bitch at him like he did me. I thought maybe he fucked something up. But apparently he just had an inappropriate temper tantrum at someone at work because he’s supposed to wear a hard hat when his windows open. He also said when he gets a new truck he’s leaving with it and his 2 bikes. I wish. Then some bs about always being someone’s problem and how he won’t be when he’s gone. I’m sure he left all that out when talking to his therapist. I’ve got to get out of this. He is crazy. Next time he cuts loose I’m scared of what he’ll do since he’s threatened to kill me already. I’m 911 here on out. Tick tock on divorce.

Trick or Trick Season

 So when he got home yesterday I broached the subject of his behaviors and responses Saturday. First was that his poor comment at dinner made it sound like he stays for money. Fine - but be honest about it rather than this false love hoovering he’s trying to manipulate me with. He says he asked our sons if they were offended but when I asked if he minded if I mentioned that when I spoke to them he suddenly couldn’t remember who he actually spoke to and suddenly it was vague. Oh - this means he’s lying. Good to know but no point in addressing. I also addressed that when he jumped me about my phone not only did I tell him I was texting our kids but showed him. At first he looked blank and didn’t seem to remember until the conversation progressed. Early dementia signs? Anyways when I asked about him texting he refused to answer- and I pointed that out. I told him when I said wouldn’t move forward first any more and that change had to come first he answered that he didnt want to be roommates and that suggested he was doing therapy etc to manipulate me for sex not real change. What he could have answered was that he understood and was going to keep working on changing and learning to be respectful etc.. Somehow he jumped into semi defensive mode (deflect/divert) and we discussed cheating and lies though that wasn’t my intention-he brought it up. The conversation actually didn’t go bad. Mostly because he thought I was buying his bullshit. Also he decided to finally admit he was chatting with a woman who hit him up on Facebook. And he thought she was legit because they had mutual friends. But when she said she was looking for a soulmate he blocked her. I said why didn’t you show me? He said he was afraid of my reaction. Um if it went like you said then why would I? But he didn’t show me because it’s all lies. And I told him every time this happens it’s a reset to day one of him trying to work it out. He said that’s not fair cuz he’s not cheating. I looked at him and told him not cheating is alevel underground as setting the bar so far below the bare minimum. That’s when he diverted the conversation. But I’m onto that . So tonight when I got home I told him I had a request. I asked to see the messages he had with the fb woman. He said he deleted them. I said of course you did. You never have proof of innocence. So I said let me see your blocked list. Then we can also unblock her and I can see your mutual friends you claim she had. First he said she disappeared when he blocked her - I pointed out I’d be able to see her on his list. Then he acted confused about the mutual friend thing and denied it but when I reminded he had given me the names of the two friends he was like oh yeah I did say that. Then he did what a liar does. He had a fit. Yelling about me starting drama every night. Well ok - all he had to do was say here ya go and show me - no drama. But he couldn’t because he’s lying! I said never mind. And he ranted a moment about just wanting to come home and the he went off to his room. I actually am grateful for the timely reminder that he is still lying and cheating. I had a weak moment of not feeling the drive that truth keeps me in. He thinks he’s tricking me. And I’ll just keep letting him think it for now.

Early Winter

 No its not cold outside. Not really. But he did call me a cold bitch last week so theres that. Its snowing for my husband as In addition he is doing cocaine every day. Like I hear him snort it in his room. The 'tools' always show use. He has permanent sniffles he hasn't had before. Sometimes he tells me sometimes he lies but its pretty easy to tell. Even our daughter can see it and she's thoroughly annoyed by it. And he gave me some when he got home on Friday. Which I did not do. But even though I shouldn't care its still less that he can do so I took it pretending I would want it. Its Monday and he asked if I had any left...I said no. But I never touched it. He accused me of doing it when we visited our sons too "like did you do some I don't care if you did" but what he really wanted was to know if I had it on me so he could do more because he ran out. Same reason he asked tonight. So he could talk to his therapist on cocaine. Motivating reasons for me not to do it.

Awkward

So through semi effective non engagement such as gray rock we were 2 days into peaceful existence. Headed down to see our son at college. Fortunately our other son was going with us so I only had to avoid him initiating conflict for an hour of a 4 hour drive as he won't usually get too aggressive in their presence. So the day passed pleasantly. The afternoon and initial visit with our sons. Then we went to dinner. It was going fine - I had reminded myself to reserve myself quietly to maintain that. The subject of inflation came up and I was telling our sons about a house in our area that had a high asking price. I told them that meant our was probably worth similar. Completely unnecessarily my husband chimes in with "see we can afford to get a divorce then". And laughs. At the expense of everyone's comfort level at the table. I waited a moment - a bit flabbergasted then said "yup". Our younger son said "you guys...its been awhile I forgot for a hot minute how you guys are". My husband says "i was just joking". I have to say I don't appreciate my sons view 100% because I do not initiate comments like that. but because I don't lay down for them any more I get lumped together as 'you guys' behavior which feels unfair. In an aside I tell my husband so my sons can't hear that its typical for him to couch an insult in a 'joke' that's not a joke or funny. The rest of dinner went by fine - in part because I dialed my participation presence back even more to not invite any more uncomfortable comments for the sake of my sons. Later that night my husband and I were in our hotel room with 2 queen beds. I sat on one while he was laying in the other. He tells me "you can sleep in my bed". I glanced at him but didn't say anything. He persists..."what no answer?". I said nah I'm fine. Again he persists..."what? why not?". I replied that he had crossed my boundaries with the comment at dinner. He says "what comment?". Really? I mean really?! I told him the insulting comment about divorce at the expense of the comfort of everyone at the table that made it awkward. His reply "you say stuff like that all the time".  Me "No. I do not. I do not throw out the divorce word and I especially don't at dinner with our kids." Him "not like you've wanted anything to do with me the last two weeks". (avoidance). Me "In the past two weeks you have called me a bitch several times and thrown out the divorce word three times so no I am not going to respond to those. And that has nothing to do with the specific event we are talking about which is the comment you made at dinner. And projecting and diverting to avoid what we are talking about no longer works on me". He called me a bitch and told me no more talking. End of that. The next morning I answered a text from my daughter. It was early and I rolled over and dozed a few more minutes. Phone buzzed her answering me then I texted my son who had also texted me about coming to our hotel for breakfast. I glance up and see my husband laying in bed glaring intently at me so I knew it was coming. No way out. "I see you're wasting time on your fucking phone again" he says snottily. "you're such a jerk - I just texted our sons about breakfast and they are heading over soon and I let them know they need a mask for the buffet line...so yeah I'm just an awful person". "you're a fucking bitch" was his answer to that. I'll never be able to fathom abusiveness like this. And it can't matter. A few minutes later I see him texting so I get up and he tries to close the app...but I had already seen the green text bubble. I chuckled and said "texting huh?". Unlike me not only does he not tell me but he lies and says he was on Instagram. Im like nope - Insta doesn't have green text bubbles. He then proceeded to yell at me "I'm not going to fucking justify myself to YOU!". I said ok, chuckled lightly and dropped it. He avoided me and I avoided him after having breakfast with the boys so that was the end of that. Finished our day well enough. On the way home I was sitting in the back. Watched some tiktoks. We stopped for gas and I was commenting on a video -one about narcissism of course. He peers in the window then asks with a snotty smirk and attitude what I'm doing on my phone. I said making a comment. On what he asks. On a tiktok I answer. And I'm not going to justify myself to you. Yes - I threw words back at him but it's not like he can even recognize it. Went right over his head. It hard to impart the amount of accusation and rudeness implied in his tone in this pointless bullshit. Most of that trip back I dozed. Kept quiet. Once we dropped off our son I anticipated that last hour with massive trepidation but I was able to keep interaction minimal. When he accused me of not talking to him I spoke just enough monosyllabic replies to deflate the accusation and avoid being attacked. Imagine having to watch everything you say or do based on potentially being abused? Worked til we pulled into our driveway. My daughter had some friends over carving pumpkins. There were two cars parked there. He said  it looked like a bunch of people were here. I said oh its just two cars. That set him off. " a bunch a couple its the same fucking thing whats the fucking difference you always have to be fucking right." blah blah he went on but i grabbed my stuff mach speed and hustled to the house. I mean if its what the fuck is the difference why did he take a mild comment and transform it into some personal slight? Oh yeah - because he's a violent abusive sociopath. 

by the Numbers

I'm just gonna drop by numbers today since the daily has been such a progressive nightmare.

1. So the other night he was watching zoo porn. Not gonna say how I happened on that but ew. I mean how can you relate to someone who watches beastality? Where is that person in their sexual mind? Not loving or romantic. I mean yuck.

2. So I'm on my phone looking up parking for my job downtown. Not smiling. And he starts in on me with who are you texting and smiling at your phone? I answered I was looking at parking. but- Ok projection much?

3. Rags on me asking what the fuck is wrong with me because I dont see him arrive at my girls volleyball game or the text he sent 4 minutes before ragging on me. I remained unresponsive. In my head -Um sir Im not on my phone I'm at volleyball.

4. Calls me ranting about traffic. I stay blank so he hangs up on me. Calls again ranting about chiro appointment and traffic. Yells at me that I need to find him a different fucking chiropractor. Texts me to send him the chiropractors phone number - apparently he can't figure that out himself. 

5. A whole story - see next post.

Karma

So last Monday exactly a week ago my husband was in another car accident. Not hurt badly but relevant to why he stayed home from work all week. On Friday when I answered my phone at one point he was berating me for not answering and I told him I was working on putting some yard sale stuff away. "good. I'm tired of fucking looking at that shit" he said unkindly. I put some stuff in the back of my car to donate.  On Monday I didn't answer the first call because again I was doing chores - I am not tied to my phone. Again I was berated. I remained unreactive and in this dramatic situation I could even understand his behavior so I went straight into practical problem solving such as texting insurance etc to take some of that off of him. I got him an appointment with a chiropractor for Tuesday. He had some radiant heat panels he planned to sell and set up a meeting with the guy before the chiropractor. When he went out to load them he came back in the house and launched into yelling at me for having 'shit' in the back of my car and how was he going to 'fucking' load his panels with all that fckn shit in there. It went on for a couple minutes. When he finally took a small breath I said that its not a big deal and I would unload it and immediately went out and did so. When I came back in the house he went out to load them and when he was done said he had room for the panels and the stuff and did I want him to put the stuff back in. No apology for screaming at me for 2 minutes over nothing. So he loaded it back in and we headed to the chiropractor. He had set up meeting the guy half a block away and we got there and waited but the guy was late so we had to head to his appointment. Which pissed him off. He messaged and told the guy to meet us in a different spot a quarter block away but there was no parking and that wasn't where the chiropractor was at. I offered to meet the guy and take care of it but all of it infuriated him. And he began loudly berating me because he had to message the guy again. This continued all the way into the chiro office and as he checked in I finally said that's enough. If you want to me to meet him text me and I walked out. I did end up meeting the guy and guess what? He didn't end up wanting them. So all that and they didn't sell. After his appointment since I am not a doormat anymore I told him that's what karma is. He said I should have a bunch coming. I answered for what? And anyways he is my karma. Bad karma. When we got home he ranted about how he didn't have a vehicle and while I understand his frustration in this situation even though his ranting was partly directed at berating me. I didn't react but it certainly wasn't my fault! Wednesday and Thursday was more of the same. Berate me in the morning then ask for sex late evening. Then get attitude when I don’t show enthusiasm. I watched a two hour movie while he was on his phone. Didn't say anything. I then was messaging someone about rehoming a kitten and instantly he asks what are you doing? who you talking to? You're always on your phone. blah blah. This is constant. Every time. In this case I told him I'm sick of it. He had just been on his phone over 2 hours and I told him the difference is I don't say anything. Also I'm not always on my phone - he falls asleep or is on his phone every time he watches a movie in the living room -though he spends 60% of his time watching tv in his room. And 25% watching porn. He went with the whole "I'm just asking" theme even though his tone is accusatory most of the time. I said well I don't do that to you and I have more reason. And I asked if every time our daughter, or a coworker or ANYONE is on their phone around him if he asks what they're doing? No, of course not. So don't normalize it. It's more of his bullying to make me earn trust when he's the one that's done dating apps, cheated, called escorts etc.. I am done being bullied and demeaned. Yesterday our tenant came over and needed a ride to the emergency room. He had already said he wasn't going with me to drop off a kitten and some team dinner food to my daughter. I told the tenant I couldn't as I was on my way out but my husband could. There was a short discussion and my husband said “so I have to”. I said “well you don’t HAVE to” and I offered to take them when I got back. When we got in the house my husband proceeded to have a meltdown screaming at me for volunteering him - I told him he could tell them no. That I’d told them I could later. But he was super angry. I finally said fine I would just go tell them no. But he got even more mad - that would make him look like, well, who he really is! I opened the door to go tell them but the tenant was standing there about to knock so I told him “he’s having a meltdown about taking you and is not going to” then my husband comes out and starts playing nicely with the tenant even while admitting he was having a meltdown. I walked away and when he was done told him he should be the same person outside as he is inside the door and not pretend to be different. Then suddenly his story changed and he said he was planning to go with me all along I just didn’t ‘hear’ him. Whatever. I said sorry if he felt I volunteered him and at any time he was free to interject a no. Just another typical day of him yelling at me and me defending. So now it’s Monday. He walked in the door angry. And then couldn’t find his shop keys. I haven’t used them - he’s been home 7 days and I haven’t gone out and unlocked the shop. I’m not sure last time I saw them. But he started screaming at me and it went on. And on. Over 15 minutes. About how he hates his job. His life. And everything about it. I didn’t say anything just silently looked for the keys. No luck. I gave up and he yelled at me to keep looking and said when they were found that no one is to ever touch his fucking keys again. So much anger. It’s so exhausting. Then he went to his room for his virtual ‘therapy’. And became irate about figuring out how to sign in to it. And why didn’t it save. More fury. I calmly assisted and left. I was busy with this blog while he was in his room for his session. But he’s a loud person and I heard parts of his therapy. I’m not gonna deny it was invaluable. The majority is about me. Not how to manage his anger. Or addictions. Or impulses. And he changes the truth to manipulate the therapist placing as much blame on me as he can. And it sounds like his therapist buys it. She doesn’t know me. Or the story from both sides. I heard him tell the story of when he called the police and he lied about the majority of it. No real surprise. But it infuriates me. Why go and waste time and money if you’re going to lie and manipulate the damn therapist? He’s just using her to validate abuse. I’ve got to get away soon. When he came out of his room he came over and hugged me and said I love you. I can’t. I can’t choke on words that mean nothing. His actions are always unloving. I hugged him back but I didn’t say I love you. He said “no I love you back? You’re a cold fucking bitch. Fuck you”. I said “see- what you’re saying is exactly the reason I struggle to say it. You didn’t say it because you love me you said it to make me say it. And now you’re calling me names and showing me you don’t love me”. He started going off about how we should just end it and get divorced if I can’t say I love you. I’m like “nice job working on anger management in therapy” called me a bitch again. I said “good therapy - it’s getting worse. So much for anger control and actions over words”. He’s back to temper tantrums almost every night. Not that he tells his therapist that. Karma isn’t working near hard enough on him.

Stop the Weird

The amount of just weird reactiveness that doesn't abate is exhausting. I can't wrap my head around most of it. Again this morning he snuck into my bathroom - tiptoeing. Normally he stomps all over the house when getting ready for work with not a care for any of my sleep. I don't say anything though. Later when my daughter goes into the other bathroom he again goes through my room into my bathroom. He closes the door which is a flag since he would normally leave it open. He left the other bathroom door open while peeing when my girl wasn't home which opens to the hall. And my bathroom is through my room so there's another door so why close the bathroom door in that situation? Oh because he wasn't peeing. Again I can hear peeing -especially a man - in my bathroom. There's a 2" gap under my door right next to the toilet. And again it was like 15 seconds. Because he was putting the grinder he's using for cocaine back. He said he was out the night before...but just like before he's not. His latest bad habit I guess. I should mention that when he says good night and goes to bed if I stay up he comes back out at least 3 times...so quietly. Then he instantly looks around the corner to see if I'm on my phone. Again I don't say anything about it though. Just some more crazy in his repertoire. So today it was small weirdnesses. We went down to see our son to take him a car to borrow. Stopped to get gas. It was a pricey gas station and when we got out I said "dang we should have got gas at Watkins" (because it was cheaper and we had gone by it yesterday). This set him off for reasons that must have been made up in his mind. He got all insulted and started saying "oh yeah like its all my fkn fault we didn't get gas" and ranted a few more sentences. Until I  I point blank asked what his problem is. I had just said we should of got gas. Was only observing it was pricey. And that I had just thought of it because I hadn't thought of it when we went by Watkins! He inferred a whole insult out of a simple observation of a thought. So glad we were in separate cars. My daughter hates these interactions so with her there I am even more apt to let it slide which is again the choice I made. The day went by ok. Later at my sons we were getting ready to leave and somehow seeing his new apartment came up. I have been there before. My husband went one other time to get a couch. So I've seen the place minus one couch. It was the first time his sister had been there though. Then he says I hadn't seen it and my girl and I point out I had seen it. And he does the snotty head shake with finger quotes and says "well I guess you've 'seen' it then". My son shook his head and looked funny annoyed and my daughter told him to shut up.

stupid weird

Fools Gold

I'm really just trying to keep the peace. An impossible task. Even after a rough week. Its interesting that he makes this big claim of wanting to do better. Its supposedly why he's seeing a therapist. The past 4 years of anniversaries have sucked. Because of him. Even when I thought we were again working at this I've caught him cheating the past few. The bar is set so low that this year was better because he isn't cheating. That's it. Nothing else. Getting along or not I have learned to associate bad memories with this week between our anniversary and my birthday. You can see the lack of depth to his thought process that while he wants to work it out (he says) he made no attempt to replace those bad memories this year. Even if we're not getting along some reparation would have been in order. It shouldn't have mattered if he really wanted to change the dynamic. But I also know it wasn't on purpose. He just doesn't think of stuff like that. It wouldn't seem to be primarily about him so it isn't worth occurring to him. Anyways last night was Friday. After a week of distance I decided to make peace with the situation and with him. So after a decent evening watching tv (while he was on his phone the entire time) I suggested fooling around. I almost didn't because I had a few light drinks of baileys and last time the post mortem was about how I only want to do it with him if I'm drinking. I don't know what the difference is to him since his basis of positive relations is mostly sex based. So we went to his room. I hate to lay it all out there - seems personal and graphic but its too relevant not to. So we fooled around. Mostly foreplay. Him to me. It was actually good for me. But he never got hard. Was very small. After I was done I tried for awhile but he did not even get slightly erect. A total hour with no result. He has watched sex videos several times this week. I wonder if those worked for him? So I suggested a rest. Or maybe in the morning. He said he was sorry he was such a disappointment. That who wants someone that can't perform. He went on in this vein for awhile. I tried to empathize without emphasizing. I told him it was good for me and he said well you could have done that yourself you don't need me for it. This is because he used toys on me. which he promotes while we are doing it. Then uses it against me after. Said he was probably just tired. etc.. I also said how did he think I felt? Maybe it was just me he couldn't get it up for? That didn't work and he continued to say what a failure he is in the bedroom. These post mortems are such a turn off for the next time. Knowing this kind of thing will happen. He'll be mad and unsatisfied. And I'll have to spend an hour yanking on him with no success. Its exhausting. We ended up going back to the living room. Back on his phone he went. A few minutes later he managed to find the way to redirect blame. He viewed a video I made about him calling me a fucking bitch (when I said threatening to kill me is abuse). I had made a couple since that had nothing to do with him but thats the only one he cared about. He also never cares about the content - only about others seeing it. Like view it and say "gosh I'm so sorry I did that...my goal is to make it so you don't have things like this to post". Nah. Just worried it makes him look bad. Though I have never actually named him or said its my husband. So he says "well that will make it even harder for me next time". I ignored it. A few more similar under his breath mumbling complaints which I also ignored. Successfully evading any argument he was trying to initiate. An unusual result but good. I did tell him We went to bed and he said well maybe he'd come in my room in the morning. I said well I'll be there. Letting all the inflammatory behavior slide. Probably why it happens - me enabling. To avoid chaos. So this morning he doesn't come in my room. No surprise. I don't care either way. We ran some errands in town. All was ok. He had said he forwarded an email to mine on an engine as he wanted me to follow up with the guy. I hadn't gotten it so i asked him to forward it again to my yahoo mail. He texted just the guys email address. I told him all he did was text me and I thought he was going to forward the email so i had the details they'd discussed so far. He still didn't want to - said there was a few back and forth and how could he send all. Then wanted me to just email blind and tell the guy he's my husband or friend or 'whatever'. So yeah I'm somewhat exasperated. And why say it like that? So I replied "if youre worried it somehow gives access to your email it doesn't. Why would I want to go through all the info again?" His answer "That's nothing to do with it I'm not the one with all the opposite sex private accounts followers. Only reason for that is they know you in order to follow you". We then had an verbal conversation. He came out to as he was emailing and started typing. Then says "when I start typing in your email it comes up with all these other accounts and guys accounts its pulling up. Like tony (etc) ..do you know these men?". I answer "what - how would I know them its your email". He's like "they're coming up under yours". Ok yeah I'm getting a little edgy now by this craziness. I say " so you're in our yahoo account?". He replies "no, I'm in my gmail". (he had some tone here and I don't have access to his gmail). I answer " well that has nothing to do with my account - that's coming from YOUR account. Its filling in from your account. Your address bar has nothing to do with my account! Do YOU know any of those men?!" I chuckled very lightly and was a little snooty but really?! Then he says "well if it was women I'm sure I'd know them". Uncalled for bullshit as usual. I didn't say anything to that. What's the point?. A few minutes later he starts in on the follower thing again saying I have a "bunch of men" that follow me - because I have like 7 men who follow me on Instagram. That I don't follow back! Its a public account. I'm like "oh yeah because 7 men is a bunch (sarcasm) that I don't even follow back". His answer "you know everything I've read says a person who gets really defensive when you say they're cheating is cheating". Ugh. I didn't get mad but I did have enough. I told him " I'm not defending cheating we're talking about followers. And lets get this straight - I have not cheated. I have never had another dick in my vagina. Never had another tongue in my mouth. You have stuck your dick in someone's vagina and had your tongue on it right here in your room. We are not the same. I’m tired of you thinking I need to prove myself when you’ve cheated over and over. I don’t know why you’re seeing a therapist it’s a waste of money. Things are worse not better". He said something about therapy is for him but I told him I also thought it was to improve his actions and that’s not happening.And I walked away. I texted him at one point - not sure if it was before or after but told him to look at our daughters followers and say the same thing. Everyone has more that follow them than they follow. Also all of this is basic internet 101 not rocket science. I'm always amazed at someone who can single mindedly go through every aspect of how to hide cheating, track down porn, and find every dating site and not know simple concepts. He did a background check on my phone number thinking he'd find some stupid secret bullshit but when he got a call on HIS cell he asked me who it was! I was like type it in the search fkn bar. So anyways any peace I thought could be achieved was a fools errand. Me being the fool. And the idiocy of it is pure gold.

Tell Me Your Lobe Lies

Monday was our anniversary. My bar is set so low that it actually was one of the better of the past 4 years because this year he wasn’t on a date, phone or screwing some other woman. He did nothing else to replace bad memories including not even saying happy anniversary. To be fair neither did I but then I’m not the one that needs to show up differently. On Wednesday he texted me that he forgot to say happy anniversary on Tuesday..I texted back that it was actually Monday but it was fine. He replies that he meant Monday but we weren’t getting along “haha”. I replied “haha”. Because adding that was an unnecessary excuse instead of just admitting he forgot. He was off work early Tuesday and again last night (Wednesday). He’s sitting out in the living room sniffling claiming a runny nose from walking in cool air. Nah. It’s coke. I know it. He’s 5’10 and weighs 143. But I don’t say anything. Then this morning he sneaks through my room into my bathroom. There’s an old grinder in there he uses for coke. As he snuck back out I didn’t say anything just peeped out and watched him try to silently close my door. I’m a light sleeper. So once he’s gone I get up and check and see and sure enough the grinder is gone. It’s 445am. I go back to bed…and he sneaks in again and goes into the bathroom again. I ask him why he keeps going in and out of my room and he replies that he had to use the bathroom. This is an astoundingly stupid lie since there’s a bathroom next to his room that he uses and no one else is in there! So he goes into the bathroom, shuts the door. Then about 8 seconds later noisily closes the lid (something he NEVER does in the other bathroom) then flushes. As if a guy could unzip and pee in that time. Plus there’s a door gap and no fan and you can hear anyone peeing - my bed is right outside the door. He didn’t. So as he comes out and is passing by the end of my bed on his way to the bedroom door I say “it’s not like I don’t know you took the grinder and are lying”. He answers that he had to use the bathroom then says “what the fuck do you care” and exits the room. I check and sure enough the grinder is put back. He comes back 10 minutes later and says the 2nd time he came in to tell me goodbye but “I make it uncomfortable all the time” - again absurd since he went straight to the bathroom and headed straight back out. I called bullshit though and told him he just didn’t like getting caught lying …I don’t think he even heard it though over him bitching out loud to himself about me. I didn’t say anything else. After he left for work he texts me and tells me his co worker gave him a bump yesterday so “ya he wanted to use the grinder”. Why not just say that originally? Because he’s a liar? Whether he needs to or not? And yet it’s obvious he was doing it the night before. If I were to guess by the way he kept sniffing I’d say he probably did some all day and some in the evening. Whatever he had this morning was just what he had left. And why would you grind a “little bump”. That would mean it was really a “little rock”. Anyways the whole point of this is not really what he was doing or the unhealthiness (he already smokes an oz of weed a week and 2 packs of cigs a day) but about the lying. The chronic compulsive lying. His frontal lobe has got to be damaged.

Bargains

So he had another visit with his therapist. When he came out I got his dinner. He said it was skimpy. Then I told him our daughters volleyball tomorrow is far so I wouldn’t go and was going to my support group. No answer. Asked if his session went well. No answer. So I asked if he was giving me silent treatment. He said he didn’t know what to say and I’m like it was at least a yes or no question. But I’ll leave you alone then. Then he objected and proceeded to tell me how his individual therapist says we need to go to couples counseling. He was rude about it. And he’s told her I refuse. Well one he needs to recognize and address his abuse, lies, and cheating first. Two I’m sick of hearing how all he talks about in therapy is me. I asked if they had reached a plan on handling triggers. And that’s when he threw couples therapy at me. I asked if he’s addressed with her threatening to kill me and acting on it by swerving the car and the threatening to kill us both. Of course he hasn’t. There’s no help for him. He won’t even tell a therapist the whole truth. And now he denies that’s abusive. He won’t tell because he doesn’t want someone else to confirm it. And that’s only one incident. So instead of working on himself he’s using therapy to gain manipulation tactics. I also talked to two therapy practices about couples counseling and both refused because there is abuse involved. He knows this. But of course fails to tell his therapist this. And when I remind him of this he says I just want to be “right” and I’ll never think differently “the end”. Our daughter got home. And I was like fine- I accept that as your decision so quit yelling at me. He called me a “fucking bitch”. Interestingly my girl stays out of it usually but this she told him off for. I think she said she’d punch him or something if he ever called her the things he does me. He then tried to deny saying it “to” me and said he said it in his room to himself. To give my girl credit she doesn’t buy gaslighting and told him no you did not- you called her a fuckin bitch to her face as you went towards the hallway. He left then came back a minute later and apologized. Means nothing. I didn’t call him names or scream at him. I just told him to stop yelling at me. And his therapist seems to suck. He’s worse when he gets done. And lies to her to feed his narcissistic victim syndrome. She’s apparently not good enough to see through it. Wouldn’t a therapist stop and work on HIM and what makes him feel triggered rather than advise on a marriage she only knows one side of? He has said she knows he’s verbally abusive - though I’m sure he places some blame on me. I mean often I’m just sleeping in my room when he barges in to yell at me so surely I did something. Are therapists really that dense? Or did he get a bargain? Done.

Days are Numbered

1. Comes in my room on a weekend morning around 5am. He wakes me about halfway up and I roll over towards him and my knee touches his leg. About 30 seconds later he grumbled something and leaves. Later he accuses me of kicking him out of bed and also says “it’s not like you rolled your butt towards me”. What?! I said “so I rolled Towards you and that’s kicking you out?!”. He mumbled but had no explanation.

2. Saturday night my girl went to homecoming. I went to bed at 1030 but the dogs woke me several times. My daughter texted at 1am asking me to pick her up in a bit. Picked her up at 145 and got home after 2. I took half a sleeping pill as I needed a solid rest. So I slept late. My husband opened my door at 630. Stared at me then closed it quietly. He does this all the time - it’s unsettling at times. Opens my door again at 825 and says “what did you do stay up all night on your phone?”. No good morning. Always wants me to defend myself. No.

3. Sunday night. Not really in the mood for sex but go along so he won’t get mad. We had messed around the night before and neither one of us finished (did it the night before that too). So after an hour I was tired and told him I just wasn’t going to get there. We laid there for a bit. I put my hand on his arm. Then he said he’d go to his room. I told him to stay and sleep with me. He said I’d kick him out later anyways. Shake my head. I laid there. He put on his underwear. Then sat there and I reiterated he could sleep with me. The he said “why do u feel like you’re going to be on your phone the minute I leave”. So I replied “ok now you can fuckin leave and go to your room. You don’t know me at all”. So he went to his room. Comes back 5 minutes later and sits on my bed and starts in on how the only time I enjoy sex with him is when I’ve been drinking and at that point it could be anybody and doesn’t matter if it’s him. I reminded him of last week when we did it on a Wednesday straight. He said no I had drank. Which is wrong I hadn’t but he fashions it to suit his insecurities. And insult me backhandedly about doing anybody. I remind him that he never gets off with me - I always have to work a 45 minute hand job after we do it and even that hasn’t worked the last couple times. He says that’s not true, not always. Whatever. I don’t argue or defend . It’s too ridiculous.

4. Comes inside to get Dakota keys and they aren’t on the key peg. Says (not necessarily to me) “where the fuck are my keys”. Starts going off about people using his shit and don’t touch his shit. Says the key was taken off his key ring. I’m like I haven’t seen it. Did you look in the truck. Well this sets him off he starts ranting at me. I’m like “I didn’t touch your keys!”. He replies that I’m always touching his shit and “you did something fucking with them” . I’m like no I didn’t! Why the fuck would I do anything with the key? What purpose would anyone have for taking the key off the ring? That truck hasn’t even run!”. He says well he thinks I fuckin did something with it and I’m always touching his shit”. He rants on like this for a couple minutes. Also saying he’s gonna be like everyone else and not know anything “ I don’t know (think parody voice)”. Repeats it a couple times.I finally yell at him i didn’t touch your keys you dick” . End of that. He went outside to his shop. My daughter gets home and I ask her if she did anything with his key and she says yeah - last time she drove it she brought the keys in and put them in her room and kept forgetting to bring them out and hang back up. So I take the keys out to him and tell him she had them and he owed me an apology for accusing me of lying. He says “I never said you were lying”. After some back and forth his viewpoint was that he didn’t use the word “lying”. So saying he thinks I did something with his key after I said I hadn’t touched it isn’t saying I’m lying haha. I point it out. The he insincerely says since it’s such a big deal sorry. I said whatever and walked away. Abnormal sob he is. Later he comes in and apologizes all nice. Whatever. I’m not into the fight.

It's All About Him

 So my husband took Tuesday off because he was mad at his work. We ended up going to my daughters volleyball game together. Her car has been at the mechanics so we had to give her a ride home. My husband went out to smoke while I waited for her after the game. We came out and walked out towards where I had parked. My husband had moved the car but hadn't told either of us. My girl got pretty testy with me about walking around looking for it. And having to ride with us. Said she wanted her car. She's 17. I get it. It's not worth it to battle over stuff so I ignored it. We got in the car and she was pretty rude to him about moving without telling us. Of course he blew up about how could we have missed it when he was close to the gym door. And how he'd never do something nice for us again. |And he wouldn't go anywhere with us again. Matching with immature energy. Not to mention I didn't say anything so why was I being included in the "us"? I was consciously choosing to not inflame his battle. So we went to McDonalds. I asked if he wanted anything he said no. I gave my order and after I got done he changes his mind and says actually get me a double cheeseburger. As a side note this is his typical fear of missing out - even if he doesn't want anything he will still get something because of FOMO. Anyways I rubbed my head for a mere second - a very small sign of exasperation I admit to. But I didn't say anything and went on to add his order. As soon as I was done he started raging at me for my 'reaction'. I'm like "it's not that big a deal". He raged more til I finally said "why don't you just shut the fuck up. I barely reacted and I ordered what you wanted". He said fuck you or something and then he did shut up. I am not a doormat - any more. So home in silence. My daughter and I went to my room so she could study while he went to his with a slam. I waited 10 minutes or so then went back to his room to clear some stuff up. Mainly that our daughter was more frustrated with not having her car and the volleyball game and that's where her testiness originated not really about him moving the car. But his door was locked and when I knocked he was rude. So I retreated. Another side note he gets irate if I lock my door (which isnt often because of it) but he lock his door all the time - usually for porn though. And he clears his browsing history on Amazon every time too. Anyways he yelled something but I was like its fine. All good. Then went back to my room.

So fast forward to today. Last night we watched tv together. He tried to instigate a couple times but I was quiet and deflected in a monotone so nothing too much came of it. At one point he said I'd never change my opinion of him. Just tells me its still about him. It's only been a couple months since the last time he matched with women on FB dating and took selfies in his hoe and the bathroom for profile pics. Words are cheap for him. He did ask if I wanted to have sex. Even though I had half a tooth and filling fall out two days before a really rough morning fixing it at the dentist office. I felt very blah. And he knew my jaw hurt all day. Of note also is that he's been buying coke - and taking with him or hiding it. Which I find odd. And he looks strung out. And I mentioned the hiding last night but we didn't really discuss it. So this morning we were talking on the phone about what the mechanic said about our daughters car. Then I told him that I tried to talk to him the other night when she was rude to him to tell him it wasn't him but her frustrations and looking for my car had her focus on wanting her own car back. He's like "thats why I didn't say anything". What? He certainly did say something. He said a lot. I chose not to follow up this point however since he gaslights experiences. A big reason why I blog - so I don't get suckered by it anymore. He then went on to say he's tired of being a whipping boy for the two of us. I replied that one he is not a whipping boy. I didn't involve myself in the car moving words at all. He started talking over me before I could mention he's the one who yelled at me in the drive thru. But suddenly he started going on about how we had a a 'great' weekend and then 4 hours later I was posting a tiktok about what a piece of shit he is. And I answered how thats still all about him. Then I said 'you're really not working hard at this'. We then somehow got into arguing about why he's hiding coke. He bought two baggies. Neither are in his room. I asked he said he hid it so our daughter wouldn't accidentally see it. Then said he's only done lines with his boss, coworker and a couple on his own out of the other baggie. Then says the second one has never been out of his car. So I'm like you didn't hide it - you've taken two little bags of coke with you every day. Two different stories. So he hung up on me. He's not about to acknowledge or care how my tiktok shows how I feel or terrible things he's done. He's just concerned with people seeing him as a POS.. Its my story to share. If he didn't want me to share it he shouldn't have done it. Or the stories would be different. But he never addresses that. Texts me 20 minutes later and said he hung up accidentally. I don't reply. Calls me another 15 later to say the same. At the end he says "I do love you you know". The logic escapes me here because I am logical. And can see the forest for the trees. I didn't say it back.

Its Not Hard

 Todays post is more about observations of an experience. Keeping mindful to the undertones of what happens. Yesterday my husband took the day off because he was angry about the equipment he had to run at work. He's still mad about the dresser and previous days. I had to go into town and get gas and propane. I did only those things and he was already texting 'what taking you so long'. Who knows what goes on in his thought process. He has shared a post on facebook about being the man - that sets a good example for his sons and is the kind of man his daughter should find. I mean I admit this hit me wrong. I mean really? You don't defend me like the post said - you're the one I need defended from. I made a comment then realized it was on his page so I deleted it. Then I went to the original post and merely said the post forgot to include honesty and faithfulness within its insult to todays generation. He got a notification but couldn't find the comment so he got irate. Irate that I posted on the original post and not his and that he couldn't find it. After hounding me I finally told him what I commented. That got me called a bitch, drama queen etc. I said very little other than did he really want our daughter with a man who cheated on her over and over? I then went to my room. A few minutes later he barged in the door. It was locked but hadn't latched because its broken from him breaking it before. He immediately asked, "how many men do you message on Instagram? You sure have a lot of men with private profiles that follow you". Well for one...I don't follow them back. I don't even notice them...their posts don't show for me because I DON"T follow them! I didn't point that out because you can't logic with him. Also a 'lot' of men is apparently maybe 8 people. No - I don't message any men on IG and I said so. Then I immediately offer up my phone with instagram open and say here ya go - and hand it to him. He takes it and stands there going through my phone. I don't watch, supervise or show interest. I actually worked on a crossword puzzle book. After 15 minutes I finally say surely you've had enough time to go through my instagram messages. Yeah he says but continues to look at my phone. Then I hear tiktok. He watches two. One was about how sometimes I think about some of the women he cheated with. The ones that had short hair anyways. When I don't have short hair. And another about how he still hides his phone and keeps secrets - including the calculator app on his phone thats to hide texts and photos. He then threw my phone at me hitting me in the hip, said fuck you, and walked out. He tells me I'm being dramatic...but the only one reacting with anger is him. The observation is...all he is concerned with still is himself. He pretends to want to work it out but what he really wants is it to work for HIM. I did tell him he did those things. And he shouldn't have if he didn't want them shared. But its funny - it tells me a lot. Instead of saying..."i feel so bad that i've made you feel that way and I'll keep working hard to change that". He called me a bitch. Instead of offering up his phone - he called me a bitch. The very few times he has let me look at his phone he supervises and controls what I'm doing. He's worried I can find "it". whatever the numerous its are. Instead of working on being so squeaky clean it doesn't matter..he calls me a bitch. And he continuously seems to think I'm supposed to earn HIS trust when he's the liar and cheater in this marriage. So his work...is nothing. I've specifically told him his phone needs to be transparent. But he refuse unless MINE is - even though I didnt cheat! And even when I make it transparent he still doesn't. anyways staying aware used to be a battle. Not so hard any more. Just like his dick.

Answer free

 My husband moved his dresser. Because at the angle it was if you looked through his window you could see it. Of course you cant look through his window because he has his curtains clipped and tacked so there isnt the smallest gap. But because I called him out on replacing me with porn he thinks I peek through his window. I dont. But seems it would be easier either way to just not or at least be honest about it. He chooses neither. But I mentioned it and he lied. Then he got all mad on text when I asked why and denived it. I wasn't mad - -just said it was odd to me. But he started dropping F bombs and 'petty shit' 'petty drama' blah blah. Then he said he'd move it back so I could spy through his window. So i said ah...theres the truth that was so hard to get. Then he said he didn't 'intentionally' move it and told me to get a life. Did you just change your story lol...I asked. And did he 'accidentally' move it? He didn't answer - he called me a drama queen. Told me to fuck off. Told me to do something and said I took a bitch pill. When I responded calmly and logically just saying I asked a straightforward question he said he never moved the fukn dresser and that im so fukn petty. I only said he changed his story which was weird. Then he said hed spy through the window cuz he's sure I'm lying 'too'. Then he texted again cuz he didn't like that he used the word 'too'. A little slip. That idea is funny so I told him my curtains arent clipped, my tv is visible and in fact you could poke your head in my window with no screen lol. I also told him attacking me doesnt change what hes done or that he's not willing to put in the work to regain my trust. As if I didnt already know that.Then he said we had a great weekend ruined by my petty bitching. Which is interesting. The only thing about the weekend is that we had sex twice. We didn't do anything special. He talked endlessly about himself, his job and his truck and parts. He was unable to stay hard one night and didn't cum because he can't with me. And round two he got hard but still didn't cum. Both nights almost 2 hours of trying. We were interrupted by the phone - but only after already going at it for a couple hours. He also insulted me at the store saying I never help pu groceries in. Actually  i do and in this instance I said sorry IN ADVANCE as I tried to get a pizza order in. Then he insulted me. Disrespected me at least. Guess we have different concepts of good. Oh wait it was good for him because it was all about his ego all weekend. No connection. But I get it. No worries. No cares. No more questions. No answers. So I ended it and went to the only type of convo he wants . The weather. Said it’s windy out. Hoped it wasn’t too dusty for him. When he got home I had his dinner ready - I mean he gets mad if I don’t. I told him his dinner was ready and  in the microwave. No reply. He went to heat it and again I said nicely “you shouldn’t have to heat too long just a little since I just got it done”. No reply. Asked if he was told why they sent him a junk hoe. Got a mumbled no. Silence. Said one word. “Thanks”. (For dinner). Then he went to his room and hasn’t been out since. Fine. I can do that. Honestly the silent treatment is better than being yelled at and called names. So I guess it’s gonna be a two way street we stand in.

Big Word

 Welcome t Thursday. The day of accumulated duplicitous behavior by him that’s downright appalling. And the lying then trying to convert the ‘blame’ to me. Because I am unwilling to risk abuse to call him out on it. The money he took for cocaine he claims he spent on gas. However I know he took my deering to work with him this morning to grind cocaine because it was gone.  He was coming to our daughters volleyball after work and instead of coming straight to the game stopped at home. Ostensibly to ride his street bike. Some priority there. He missed the first game of the match. And he seemed wired and sweaty. I stayed for varsity and he came home so about an hour before me. He was in his shop so I checked and magically the deering was back. And it had coke in it. When he came in I asked about the money he’d ragged on me about and that’s when he said he spent on gas not coke. Said he’d done some lines with his coworkers. I then told him to put the deering back in the bathroom before it got grimed up from his pot particles and ashes. He got pretty testy about it. I said I bet if I went and got it it wouldn’t be clean. He said no..now he said they ‘gave’ him some. And insists he wants the deering tomorrow too. Chasing his lies around. He also turned off my computer again. To hide the porn. Then after all this he says I can come to bed with him if I want. After a week of silent treatment, rudeness and lies. But acts like I’m the problem because I don’t want to come to bed with him. Confident his lies are solid he can act righteously indignant. Creep.

The List

 Ok so this one I'm just gonna call like it is and say its a list of grievances. A reminder that a persona is just that. And that its always just an alternate form of manipulation.

To begin with I forgot to notate that about 10 days ago we had sex. The very next day when he came home from work he hugged me. I hugged back. But you have to understand the length of time this goes on. After a minute I start to squirm. Later that night out of nowhere hes like "why do you act like you hate touching me". I didn't respond so as not to get verbally shredded by him but my thought process was...we just had sex. I hugged you. I mean its just never enough? That was a Wednesday or Thursday. On Saturday sex again. He couldn't maintain a full erection. After a huge amount of labor including 30 minutes of pulling he was still partially flaccid. It was 1am and I gave up. It had been over a couple hours. I wanted to rest and told him I needed at least an hour. 10 minutes later the grinding and groping just wouldnt stop so I finally got up after 20 minutes of it and went to my room. 15 minutes later he was voraciously consuming porn sites. Because that's what it takes for him. |When I said something days later about porn doing what I couldn't he got all bent out of shape claiming he didn't watch any porn and hasn't for a long time. I named one of the websites and he claimed to have never heard of it. But he also said he'd be sure and look it up. I told him I actually saw that he was looking at porn. Again the righteous attitude even though he was lying. Monday was his therapy. And since I didn't go along with him telling me what to do based on his therapist telling him what to tell me we should do he's been quite the piece of work. Tuesday morning he barged in my room at 5am saying he needed money. I told him there was $20 on my dresser. In a very rude tone he replied that he needed more that he need 50 and that he had told his co worker he was going to get 50 in cocaine and he wasn't going to be 'that' guy who didn't. I was saying I thought I had more in my purse but he talked over me saying 'fuck it then I just won't get any'...as if I cared. Then he stomped out so I threw the 20 i had and a couple ones on my nightstand. I was still half asleep. He stomped out of the house got in his car and drove off. A few minutes later I hear the car come back and he comes in and barges in my room again. he says 'you know what I will take that money and fuck it I'll get some for me". I replied whatever. That night I went to my girls volleyball over an hour away. He texted me about getting him food (not about her game). I didn't reply but I was thinking - he's at home. Theres food there. He's gonna wait til 10pm to eat just because he won't cook? And he'd rather have fast food? He's actually answered yes to that question before.  Regardless I did buy him a burger. But he was closed in his room. Watching porn again. So Wednesday our daughter had basketball. Again an hour away. He went last week so he knew it started at 8. he got home at 630 and I said Hi only to get a grunt in reply. Then he took a shower,. My daughter called and says you should have already been here to pick me up (I hadn't clarified the ride situation). So I tell my husband I gotta leave to pick her up. "Can't I even take a fucking shower" was his reply. Now again I keep my thoughts in my head -I've learned speaking any thoughts is dangerous. So I'm thinking...you already took a shower? He was literally done and out of the shower just not dressed. I said well she doesn't want to be late. Then I went and got my purse. Looked around fro my sunglasses. Basically wasted several minutes. When I went back he still wasn't dressed. I said so I guess you're not going? "no, I'm not fucking going. Buy me something to eat while you're in". So I left. When I picked my girl up she said he texted her and and said he would have come but I was 'rushing him". To give my daughter credit she told him no, it was her that was rushing me. He didn't apologize to either of us. And I told my daughter I appreciated that but I didn't care and she didn't have to defend me. Again we got home late. i didn't buy food - neither of us wanted to stop anywhere. And the burger was still available from Tuesday haha. But he was closed up in his room again anyways. He'd spent a couple hours earlier consuming porn - al lot of it teen butt porn. I draw the line even harder when he's looking at teen porn and has a teen daughter in the house. Disgusting pig. And he wonders why I don't like touching that much?? So its Thursday now. I haven't talked to him other than last nights grunt and the shower thing since Monday. This morning I went in his room and he's turned his TV and dresser to be more parallel to his window because he thinks I'm seeing him watching porn by spying through his window from the front yard. As if I would spy around outside. Either way going to that length to hide it is gross anyways. So far from improving he's getting worse again. Probably because the therapy is a means to manipulate rather than actually improve. A tiny bit of the outburst temper is lower - for a whole couple weeks. He thinks he's better. Actually before his therapy session he asked for my input. When I gave it to him he then turned it around on me. Typical. Anyways in addition to rearranging furniture for his porn use he also took a cocaine grinder with him to work today. I'm sure that will add to this list later.

Thoughtless Therapy

 So my husband started "therapy". Of course its not one who specializes in anger management, impulse control, porn addiction, abusive behavior etc.. Anxiety, depression and addiction with focus on adhd. Because hes latching onto adhd as an excuse for his piss poor behavior and lack of integrity and empathy. He had his 2nd session yesterday. Or you could call it his latest manipulation plan. He's doing virtual visits so he's in his room for his sessions. I don't pay attention. After his session however he came out and told me his therapist thinks we should list our love languages on a piece of paper and blah blah. I say blah because my head went blank at this audacity. And i have no doubt she said this. Subtly manipulated by my husband who instead of concentrating on his problems is deflecting to some warped combined responsibility. And this 'therapist' has not even delved into his psyche and is certainly not privy to whats gone on in our marriage. And if he did tell her he has cheated multiple times what kind of subpar therapist thinks love language is applicable at session 2? In a marriage which she is only seeing one party. Nor should he be set up by his individual counselor to tell me what to do. The audacity just plain pissed me off. I told him shes not my therapist and she's not our marriage counselor. I didn't say it but at this point I shouldn't even be in the conversation yet as they are supposed to be working on him! I wasnt friendly but I wasn't mean. But I was firm. Of course he got mad and said 'way to be open' and stomped off. My daughter told me it made sense - I never came out of my group or counselor and bossed him around with something they said - because I was working on me. Then she said it makes her mad because it could but won't help him because he lies. He told his counselor that I'm lazy. And that it doesn't really 'bother' him but he doesn't say it in the 'nicest' way. She said it pisses her off because what he really does is scream at me that I'm lazy and useless. Not that I need to defend myself but his basis of my 'laziness' is that I don't work - or at least go to a job. But nothing would get cleaned, no cats/dogs/goats would be fed, no bills paid, no insurance taken care of, no college funding, no 4 bedrooms remodeled, no caulking on the roof, no trash taken out or picked up, no dishes done etc etc. And I worked outside the home for 6 years and have only been home since I was laid off due to covid. And I've made more money on unemployment and gotten more college aid to the tune of 5200.00 because of it as well. And a decent counselor would have recognized that thinking and calling your wife lazy is a red flag of disrespect. Probably should have delved more into that way of thinking. Ugh. I just don't want to deal with his lack of depth thinking hes doing something with this therapist that cant think but can quack.

Snide

Tonight when my husband got home the first thing he said “where did you end up going today?” in a lightly suspicious tone. “I took ourdaughters permission slip in to her”. Then I added “what- you chalk mark my tires?!”. A bit snide a bit joking. He melted down. Told me he didn’t like that snide fucking remark. I admitted it was a smart comment. But he got angry and yelled at me for about a minute. I told him I don’t make a scene about him being snide. Later - same evening. He tells me he wish I’d make a sandwich for his lunch once in awhile - even “out of the goodness of your heart- oh maybe that’s why you don’t”. My reply: “ oh that was a snide remark wasn’t it?” Then I said maybe I should get all mad oh no I won’t have a meltdown oh cuz it’s not that big a deal. I chucked lightly on my merry way. He being the hypocrite he is of course got mad because no matter which side of it he’s on it’s always my fault eh? What’s good for the goose isn’t good for the gander in his warped view

Laborious Day

Today is Tuesday but Im going to start with no fun Sunday first. First thing in the morning he sniped at me about not having his motorcycle registration done. He did ask a couple weeks ago but money is short. Not too short for his pot and cigarettes. And he never has any concern about the mortgage being paid. I mean I get it. He wants it done. I cant do it anyways because the bikes not in my name. He also sniped at me about groceries - apparently we have none (not true). At least that nagging was short.  I drew equity money for a car - a cheap old one but since ive been stranded for a month and had to rent a car twice now we have to have some back up. We went to Longmont to look at one. We were talking about the difference between the one we looked at and the one he drives. I opened the glovebox to look at the owners book and he had a fit. He had his klx dirtbike title and street bike title in there - which even a few weeks ago the street bike title was in the folder with the rest of our vehicle titles. Who knows why. My gut says he thinks its some kind of asset hiding if he has the titles which is lame. I dont hide any titles. And no matter whose name is on the title we both still own it so whats the point? Just him thinking something thats illogical. Anyways when the title showed he had a fit and yelled at me to "quit making a mess" so I put the one piece of paper and one book back the way it was. He opened the box and yelled at me some more for making a mess.I finally said "fine, I'm sorry I ruined that title" even though not a single tiny thing happened to it. I was slightly annoyed but kept it to myself as just not worthy or annoyed enough to care. He then said we should buy another Dakota. I don't agree but I know I'm not allowed to have my own opinion so I elected to say nothing. So then he accused me of pouting and not talking to him. I replied no i just dont know what you expect me to say. So he ragged on me some more saying I was just being a bitch and finally, after being verbally cornered I shared my opinion of his 'pussy wagon' that we call it. He said "I'll just call our son and see if thats what you guys call it" I'm like "what does our son have to do with it". Apparently he took we to mean our younger son because thats the only one whose opinion matters haha. I said me and our girl and friends. He said well you guys dont matter - no surprise ther. But he still had an ego collapse about it. He then proceeded to drive like a maniac tailgating and raging. When I grabbed the door he demeaned me for being scared while he tailgates at 65mph. No consideration I told him and that ended that. And any further conversation for the rest of the way thankfully.

So we get to Monday night. I check my phone to see the time and see its still fairly early so I put it down and turn on the tv. I pick it up for a minute looked at tiktok and set back down - and he comes in the living room and tells me I don't have to set down because of him. I say "I didn't". He says yes you did you set it down because you saw me. I said I didnt even know you were there nor did I care. Bullshit he says - you heard me. Ugh I didnt nor would I care. Why would I? I'm not using my phone for the same things he uses his for. This went on a few minutes but I didn't get mad. I actually chuckled a little and told him whatever "sounds fun starting ridiculous bs every day". He stomped off and slammed his door. End of Monday.

Today is Tuesday. I'm not mad or upset but not inclined to really talk to him. I know I cant talk with him as he wont listen and it will become about him. So he calls in the morning. I answer because not answering brings his wrath and raging so its easier to answer than be bullied. I didn't say much though. After a minute he asks "what's the matter, you sound grumpy". Me "nothing". Him "talk to me - are you mad at me?". "no" I answer. "well you sound grumpy". Me "I'm not really grumpy I'm tired" (meaning tired of your bs not physically tired. His classic answer: "me too". I was like really - if you dont give a shit why ask? all you did was instantly make it about you without asking,. Then hes like whats your problem..what the fuck...whats wrong with you blah blah. Then he hung up. Then he texts and says 'sorry I didnt mean to upset you". I didnt answer but - I wasn't upset and wasn't the one that hung up. His gaslighting isn't working and he can't take it.  So then he gets home tonight. Same thing- I'm not rude - cooked dinner, kissed him hello, put on a movie. But of course in the usual fashion he pushes the issue because I'm not pretending all is perfect. He continues with the whole what wrong/I didn't do anything them. Then he kept asking me to talk until i say "really? so like yesterday never happened?". And until I said what happened he really seemed to be in a place where he didn't recall. Once I did though he turned it instantly. I told him I'm tired of him treating me like I'm the one who cheated and lied and that I don't use my phone for the same things he does and that we are not the same. Because he lacks any empathy he didn't listen. He just excused and blamed me - I'm on my phone so he's suspicious. Projection. I told him its funny because hes the one thats used his phone (even just 2 weeks ago) to look at women, dating profiles and set up sneaking out to go fuck some woman in her car atht the end of our rural driveway nand yet I don't ask or think much when hes on his. Because I dont have a reason to project. Anyways there is so much more sociopathic vibes from him in these conversations and a complete lack of logical or empathetic thinking. Labor day weekend was definitely laborious.

Death Trap

 I wish I had somewhere to go. Parents. Friends. Even if I had money I could go alone. I’m trapped and scared. Tonight my husband met me to drop off a rental car. He called multiple times during the day and asked at least 7 times what I was doing. He was rude and edgy about it which put my radar up. When we got in the car and were driving home he asked about me talking to a Joshua cottrell. Never heard of him. No idea what he’s talking about. Then he tells me it some guy that popped up on his Facebook and he thinks every time this person - whom neither of is friends with- is online on fb and every time so am I. What? He is insane. I’ve no idea how he ties this together. Fabricated to validate his behavior of matching up with women on FB. Not to mention I barely use fb - but my daughters in my account so it can show active. Regardless it’s nothing to do with some ransoms person on HIS Facebook - it’s not even on mine. So that led to him lying about hitting on women again. I confronted his lies. He persisted lying. I didn’t buy it. He got angry. Righteous yelling that he wasn’t lying. When I called on some proof he admitted lying. And kept trying to touch me. I said stop touching me. I said his lying is gross and I don’t deserve him. No one deserves the way he treats me. I finally yelled at him not to touch me again for probably the 15 th time and…he tried to kill us. He screamed that he was going to take us both out. Then swerved to the guardrail on my side of the overpass only a couple inches from hitting it. Then he swerved to the middle then back at the guardrail again. I was petrified crying and yelling no stop. Then he abruptly aimed the car at the guardrail on his side coming close again. Yelling that he would kill us and himself. I hate worrying about money. I should have called 911. I wanted to. I will. I need a little more time. I hope I’m alive when I get there. I will never get in a car with him again. He will never trap me and try to kill me again. I told him he had no right. At home he tried the pity party of excuses of why he did it. All about him 

Just BS

 Theres just no other way to describe or title whats been going on lately as anything other than compete bullshit.Where to begin? Do I start with the fact he's been doing background checks online on me thinking hes going to find fake profiles or something? Which suggests thats likely what he's up to. Or that he has made up some Tiktok interpretation out of a joke of what big feet means into me sleeping with one guy I went on a 2 hour hiking date with when I found out he had a whole ass girlfriend for months? Unlike him I don't have sex with other people. Just hiking was awkward. How about him testing positive for herpes 2 and then dismissing and excusing it and then accusing me of giving it to him when I've been faithful and he has slept around. Or maybe that every day he goes on facebook dating to look at women and match with them? He also stalks my social media - constantly reviewing people that follow me - even if I dont follow them back. Or how he told our 17 year old daughter that I might get a job working some nights and weekends and if I did it would just make him want to cheat again? And how after screaming at me about a man I didnt have sex with the next night he asked if I was horny?: No I said - being screamed at doesnt turn me on. How he thinks just because he scheduled therapy he has manipulated me into believing his lies? Or how he wants to have sex even though he agreed to the time I said I needed because he has been actin crazy? How he threatened me that he wasn't going to put up with me closing my bedroom door when I do so to escape verbally abusive screaming? He checks his facebook security settings every single day. A few days ago he said he wanted to end his life. That he often thinks about suicide. then the next day hes fine because its just a tactic to manipulate yet again. He calls multiple times a day asking repeatedly what im doing, if I have plans, am I going somewhere. Every time I'm on my phone he asks what I'm doing or who I'm texting. I dont mind here and there but since I only text our kids it gets annoying and he acts accusatory about it - just like he does as the cheater. His mental instability is worsening and is frightneing. I am scared of him. What he might do to me. He screams fuck you one day and the next day wants sex. And I say no. Then its fuck you again. Thats why i said I needed time to see improvement. But that never happens. He called lawyers about divorce. Then got mad when he found out i had talked to one a year ago - you know when he had the girlfriend for months. The one that thought he was leaving me for her. But each time a lawyer confirms out state is equitable or like 50/50 and alimony is a thing he drops it and tries to gaslight me that it never happened. I dont know...the amount of crazy behaviors and action are scary. And bullshit of course

Non Reunion

 For the first time in 26 years I am not attending my husbands semi annual family reunion in his home town. This marks a turning point. Distancing myself from his family. But the backbone of reasons don’t pertain to the distancing. For 6+ years he has screamed at me every time he’s angry- which is a LOT- that his family hates me. Thinks I’m a bitch. Doesn’t like me. He usually leaves me on my own the majority of the time while he goes and smokes weed with his cousins. I don’t have a problem with it but it doesn’t make for much fun since I’m not close to HIS aunts and uncles that are left. When the kids were young I was just a babysitter. 2 reunions ago he made a display of screaming at me in front of half the family at his uncles kitchen counter. We can’t go 10 miles in a car together without him starting some sort of nitpicking at me let alone a 2 hour drive. At the last reunion he made a point of telling me he shit talked about me to his cousins wife - the one I’ve had to watch him drool over in infatuation for 10 years of reunions. He failed to tell her he was cheating of course. Then we have his toxic nasty enabling flying monkey sister who is there who laughed with him about his girlfriend and how his girlfriend showed me up so to speak so yeah- don’t ever want that kind of person in my life again. So we have undertones of me being uncomfortable because per him no one likes me. We have his lies portraying me as a bitch because he doesn’t own his cheating, abuse and lying. We have me not wanting to end up detracting from the kids and him enjoying it with him starting shit with me. And I have me not wanting to pretend life is something it’s not. According to him it’s only uncomfortable because I changed my Facebook name back to my maiden name - rather than the fact that he hasn’t treated me like a wife for over 8 years and after he had a whole girlfriend for months and said he was completely done with me is why I changed it. Part of me is sad about not going. I thought this would be the last time I would see all these people that have been somewhat a part of our lives for 26 years. Instead the last time I saw them is the last time I’ll see them. That’s hard.  So anyways the kids left last night. He was insistent he wanted to go out after he worked on our girls car. When he came in I was a bit reluctant as he seemed to want to go to a bar - it’s always a bar rather than just us. I suggested ice cream. He got edgy and pouty about that so I got dressed for a bar. He had no plan then suggested a local place so we headed there. On the way just he randomly asks if he calls me tomorrow night (from the reunion) if I will answer. I said yeah but why would you call me? He said because I want to hear your voice and because we have trust issues. It’s hard to explain but he has been making snide remarks about me going out while he’s gone for a couple weeks. That may be what he would do but it’s not me. And he doesn’t want to hear my voice - he wants to check on me. To acknowledge my feelings this irritates me because I deal with his suspiciousness almost daily when HE’S the cheater and I have never cheated! I resent defending myself when he has cheated multiple times and I haven’t. I didn’t get excited or mad but I shared my sentiment calmly. As we got to the bar about 5 minutes after finishing this conversation he drove past saying he didn’t want to go because of my attitude. I didn’t respond but had already talked to him normally about mundane topics and continued to. He then blames me for us not going. Regardless we went home. He expresses some regret about not having left for the reunion. He ragged on me for not having the right amount of enthusiasm for going out. He then said he stayed and wasn’t “even gonna get laid”. So I said fine let’s go now. He said he didn’t mean it that way. What other way? Again let that slide too. We went to bed. Started having sex. Then he starts trying to put hickys on my neck. I don’t care for my neck sucked on but I also know the only reason he wanted to do so was again - suspicion. Hickys as chastity belts. More projection. Gross. Also as 50 year olds I don’t think we need childish bruises on our necks. I stopped him and he said “what are you scared of”. I asked what as if I didn’t hear but it’s just more of the same. He finished getting laid - by hand of course since nothing else works for him. He asked if I was sleeping with him. I said yes if you can not grind on me all night (he grind gropes and grunts all night when I sleep with him). He said fine and we slept. At 4 he gets up and turns on the light. His alarm goes off a couple times. I end up getting up too. I go out to the kitchen where he’s at and say “oh I didn’t realize it was 430” and with a pissy tone he says “you told me not to fuckin wake you up” . No I didn’t I answered. Yes you did you said not to grind on you. I said those are two different things. He says well god forbid we have sex before I leave. I’m like - are you really bitching about sex we just had last night. This is why I don’t want to - no matter what we do it’s never enough and you always rag on me about it after we have sex. That kind of ended there and he finished getting ready to leave. He went outside to do whatever. Kisses me bye.I struggle going back to sleep when I’m fully awakened. I turned on my light and got up and got some water and took a couple Tylenol then got back into bed. A minute later he comes back in the house and in my room and says with a tone“you don’t have to hurry and turn the light back off” as if I’m what - sneaking my light on? Not allowed to turn my light on then off? In my head I was like what the fuck? Out loud I said what? What’s your problem? I took Tylenol! He didn’t answer as he walked out the door. That’s it. Another exhausting 12 hours for little reason. He still doesn’t have that therapist he needs either. He’s still checking out dating profiles on Facebook too. It supports my decision not to go. But it doesn’t make it easier. I miss being there and being proud of our kids. I miss being proud of my husband though that’s been 8 plus years. I miss seeing some of his extended family that’s genuine. But the risk and the needs outweigh it. Sadly.