Silent treatment

I'm being granted the flip side of narc abuse. Doing nothing grants me some form of abuse..in this case the silent treatment. When leaving for my daughters softball my husband wasn't ready. Though we had told him what time. He said he would need to change..and you can always tack on 10+ for him to get stoned also. I said we wanted to be on time and would he be ready so he said "just fucking go". My daughter told him it was at a highschool we've played at before and we left. I also asked her and she said it was there..but she hadn't actually checked so when we got there we realized it was at another field. I told her immediately to text her dad and she said she already did then we drove to the other location. Some time later my husband called and I told him Rio texted him the address before he left. He checked then yelled at me because of where it was then hung up. Later he arrived at the game..I didn't even know he was there and got up to get something and there he was behind the bleachers. I said "oh there you are. I didn't know you were here". He's says "I've been here" in a sour tone.H never spoke to me again. Didn't come sit by me. Left just before the end of the game without saying anything. When I got home he ignored me and went to his room. The anger is easy to see bubbling under the surface. I've no idea what imagined thing he's decided I've done for him to achieve anger. Though I know it's to do with the location change. I actually wasn't happy with my daughter's inattention to detail and told her so.. put me in the same position as my husband. So why's he mad at me? Well who knows but silence is a fair bit better than having something tossed painfully into my face. But still leaves a bitter taste about sleeping with him several times last week.

Peaks

For some reason I can't begin to fathom the abuse of me by my husband continues to peak again. And one moment he says "I still love you" and the next vicious name-calling wouldn't care if you were killed tomorrow diatribe is heaped loudly at me. Case in point when I arrived home today he was already home. I was a bit late having worked a bit late and having errands on Mondays. He asked why I was late..I responded that I worked a few minutes past. I didn't think anything of the mild exchange and he went downstairs. A short time later he came back up and asked why I didn't tell him at lunch on the phone. " Umm I didn't know and besides I go to the bank every Monday" I replied. Now I did have a lightly baffled tone..he was acting accusatory in my view. But I didn't think it worth mentioning it and risking him bringing his temper down on me. I just wanted to enjoy his company. Fat chance. He didn't say anything so I thought I dodged the daily bullet. Then a bit later he announced he was going to name a puppy we may keep Echo. I said oh..that's one of our kids top names for a girl. He was furious. He said fuck you then..you guys can fucking name it like you always do and so on. Mmm..I responded I don't really care it's just a possible top choice grandchild name. He said not that he'd ever heard. From there he just got angrier..I'm not really even sure why or how. But suddenly he was telling me I'd been a bitch since I walked in, that I was always a fucking bitch, that I must, sit next to god since I was so righteous, that he wants out so fucking bad, won't be here in a year, that it's only me that makes him mad because I'm such a bitch, that I could get killed tomorrow and he wouldn't give a fuck, that sometimes he wants to just kill me.. well etc etc as it went on quite some time. He parodied me in an inaccurate and demeaning fashion creating an exaggerated tone of voice he said I used. He also interjected the word fuck which I most definitely don't use. I did mildly and calmly try to get a message to him that I'm not comfortable with his continual vicious temper and that he should consider help. I would say wrong time but even when he's calm you can't broach any subject related to abuse without inducing more abuse. So he continued to call me names and mutter under his breath. With no ability to reason I left the room not wanting to risk being physically abused again. I locked my door...as he always does. This also brought some of his wrath down as he shook the doorknob muttering "real fuckin mature". Peak to peak. I wonder at the imbalance. The peaks aren't high in this life. 1 minute later he yells thanks for dinner it was good. What a life.

Too Far

Some time ago I received a work comp settlement..not a lot. Put it away and after some months helped my son buy a car. With a couple thousand left I have often used that balance to supplement when were short dwindling it down. I made no real purchases..maybe a shirt or two. My husband puts weed purchases (3 to 400 a month) ahead of electric, groceries etc. along with 250 a month for cigarettes. Because I initially put in savings my husband is excessively resentful and acts as if I have done something selfish. Recently he was in a car accident. The insurance paid 1500 for repairs which was sent by check. I told him it was received and it sat several days so I deposited it to our checking. As a back story he hasn't worked a full week for several weeks and our mortgage is late. Anyways when I told him he immediately said he was going to withdraw 1100.00 just for him because I don't share "my" money and that's his. My first response was fine whatever. But at some point having to cower in the face of sociopathic rage becomes unacceptable. Living in fear becomes abhorrent. I asked him where the hell he thinks all that transferred money comes from? How our son got a car? Etc. And I said I'm sure he would need it to cover pot purchases because that comes first. He was a good 25 feet from where I was sitting in a chair. He did override a lot of what I said calling me a bitch with problems. Then he walked over to me and drew his arm back as if he were going to punch me. He screamed " I just wanna fuckin kill you grrrr" then he drew his arm back more and launched a cup of ice and soda point blank into my face and eyes pelting me violently and painfully in my eyes and face. My instant reaction was pain and I started crying then I screamed at him to get away from me. That physical abuse is not acceptable and its scary. At first he said fuck you you're a bitch. Then he apologized. I left the room trying to distance the situation but he followed. I tried to walk away and he blocked me. Then he cornered me so I couldn’t move. He held my arms with his hands. When I failed to tell him it was okay he reverted to "you fucking deserved it" . Our 19 year old son was there and told him no one ever deserves that. He also told us we should go to separate rooms...of course I'd already tried that. I told my husband to never touch me like that again. And if he ever physically abused me again I would call the police. Currently his behavior is unfathomably unstable. And he can't be reasoned with. The next day I broached the subject of challenges and uncontrolled repeated temper bursts that are almost daily. He rages that I have the problem. That I abuse him. Gaslighting - or at least trying to is narcissistic behavior. One interesting facet was him telling me I don't cook or clean and anyone could cook the crap I made. A contradictory statement anyways. So the next night when he asked if I was cooking dinner I said no. That he disrespected what I did and if anyone could do it then so could he. He said "ok well I won't change our fucking car oil" etc. But I never insulted his work ethic (he had called me lazy no working bitch) and never said things like that so it wasn't the same thing. But of course he was unable to understand that.
Today we were in the car me driving. My daughter in the passenger seat and my husband behind her. Music was on and we were just driving along when he suddenly screamed. And  I mean literally screamed "turn the FUCKING music down". Crazy..as in true illness. He could have just gently touched her shoulder and then asked her politely. But everything in his view is cushioned by a rage..at least when he thinks no one's looking. And as time goes more often when someone is looking. My daughter told him he was being crazy. So he called her a bitch. What a guy right?!. And getting him to get the help he needs is an impossible scenario since the key is for someone to know they need help and want it as well. That's not him. Sometimes nowadays I even feel sorry for him...I don't know if one day he will look back and see the mess and meanness he dished with disregard and disrespect. If he does it would be a difficult mirror to reflect. And if he doesn't he lived as a shell. Both sad. The lesson in this is that physical abuse is too far. Always. And I’m scared of him and his temper.