My husband comes home and wants a hug. I do it but it’s hard. I have some but lack enough sympathy and empathy right now. I can sense his suppressed anger that I dont just fall over...grateful for his remorse and willingness to work it out. I want to leave in the moment because of the drama. I might come out financially okay post divorce but getting there is a trail of money I dont have. If i stay in the house I would have to request he be evicted. I have no income so no way to get my own place or pay for this one in the interim although the payment is less than current rentals in my area that are shoe box apartments. With a house, kids, and alimony in the picture divorce lawyers run $8000.00 bare minimum which I dont have...nor does my husband. Do my kids deserve to shuffle between two mobile homes (what we would afford!) after living in one house all their lives? I have horses...large dogs who would also suffer. So in many ways as usual I put myself last family first and calculate what is to everyones best interest with mine last.. Even if I could surmount the difficulties what for? I dont have to be a victim in my home...I choose to be happy in spite of my marriage. I compartmentalize it. Its not like I want another relationship..unlike my insecur husband the last thing I want to subject myself to is another round with another man. My dick pickers bad!
My husband failed to disclose some pertinent details of his actions on my good day. As he said...we were doing okay and he didnt want to have to go through it again. So as always its still all about him. Im not sleeping well - I hate listening to all his drama. Dreams are better. When I cant sleep I lie awake with the most annoying images in my head. Of course theres the obvious image. Him on the hotel bed naked fucking his old hag Stephanie. And since Ive seen a number of pictures I dont have to imagine what she looks like. Her jowls sag. Her eyes have puffy rings and loose skin. Shes not ugly but she is homely and most definitely way below anything special. And way below my scale. I am actually a decently hot gal who looks younger than I am. I am still wrinkle free. Although he told me she has the same build as me (insulting stupid thing to say right?!) her boobs are saggier. She got her GED. Her voice is super gravel...manly like. I dont feel threatened..I feel...insulted I guess. But the image that bothers me exponentially more than the graphic sex scene. More than the image of him masturbating in his bedroom talking to her. More than any nasty insulting picture my brain can generate to keep a protective anger. Is the image of my husband sitting in OUR front yard talking to her on the phone for one hour and twenty five minutes while his "family" (I put quotes because to me family is who you care about and he wasn't caring) was sitting in the house. That to me is the biggest violation of all. And the hardest to get by. The one that makes me the angriest. I can delve into why but to the logical of you out there you can figure it out. It violated personal private space. My space, my home. The picture of that is worth a thousand words of disrespect, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, lies, deception and lack of moral turpitude.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
The Devils in the Details
Now that the worst of the storm is past the destruction is what is left. I feel the necessity to lay out the details. I may repeat somewhat but there is always more than meets the eye. If you are reading this because you are with a verbally emotionally abusive narcissist like my husband be forewarned that a marked increase in abuse indicates a marked increase in deceit. They go hand in hand and feed each other exponentially. Under the surface of my days I recognized this. I also ignored it to an extent. That may have been a primarily peaceful response but left me feeling a little like a fool as well.
For the past year my husbands verbal abuse has ebbed and flowed. When I thought things were getting better for a stretch...two weeks being a stretch. We would have sex...then the flow would come the next day. A sudden verbal attack because I offered to help on some mechanic thing. He threw a wrench at me for offering...or because he was frustrated but either way the scare tactics were directed at me. Or because I didnt hear something. And I would be back to not being the least bit interested in sex with someone who is mean. I also refused to be pathetic and defended myself. Usually reasonably by pointing out I should not be talked to that way. Also just as usually my husband would then point out what a bitch I am, How I am a terrible wife. No one likes me. No wonder I have no friends. How I think everything should be perfect. Yada Yada. Occasionally I would try to re-direct to the specific issue at hand (the abusive snap) but that was rarely successful. This is the timeline after the fact but here goes.
Several months ago he joined a website called meetme. He did not list himself as married. He proceeded to chat up women. He texted one woman in Wyoming who then sent him very dirty pictures--pictures of her hooha. Yuck. He kept the texts with the pictures. In september he started chatting with Stephanie. A divorced mother of one whose profile says she wants no married men but she responded to my husband knowing he was married so again not so much. She is slightly older than me but looks much older. Trashy in a bikerish trailer park style with a mouth to match. They chatted. They texted for at least several weeks. Then started talking on the phone. Not briefly but hours. While he was at work or on his way home. They sexted. My husband has a penchant for jacking off...he often needs to be jacked off at the end of sex even. So he claims he didnt masturbate while talking/texting/sexting to her behind his locked door but that is a lie which I know with a certainty akin to knowing I wont live forever. In fact one night my husband and I were sitting in the living room. He smiled at his phone and I asked who are you texting that youre smiling at your phone. He said something then went to sit in the front yard. Where he called Stephanie and talked to her for 90 minutes while his family was sitting inside and I was oblivious. Well not so oblivious really. This is a powerful affront on every level for me. Beyond disrespect I cant even fathom the sociopath connotations. This was the day before our anniversary on 9/26/16. On the day of our anniversary he told me that Saturday he planned on going out with the guys from work. And that he hoped Eddie would go to because they'd have a blast. But Shane was going...blah blah - he pursued his lies as hard as he pursued his date. On 9/25 he was looking up hotels in Westminster. He found a La Quinta and mapped it. Mapped it again on 9/26 and 9/28. Then called Stephanie again. Contact both on Meetme and the phone was initiated by him. He pursued her and pursued her hard. He told her we were "separated". He failed to tell her that just a couple weeks before we had sex (eww) . And that we hadnt had sex the couple weeks after because he verbally abused me and insulted me. He again had on hour conversation with her on Thursday. On Friday the 30th of September he came home and spent several hours cleaning his truck inside and out. When he came in the house he asked me to trim his hair - but not a lot and "not to fuck it up" because last time it was a little messed up. I obliged. On Saturday he went out. Bought condoms. A normal stranger date is to meet someone at a bar or public place...isnt it? I wouldnt know but thats what I think. They didnt. They met at the hotel and went to a room. According to him they kissed then went out for drinks. Then back to the room where they talked and kissed more. Since she knew he lived with his wife shes both desperate and a slut - but with her lack of looks beggars cant be choosers. He screamed at me that they fucked as well when eventually confronted.. And in the logic of the entire situation of course they fucked and tongued - no news to me. He only aid it to try to wound - unsuccessfully. And it pisses me off beyond comprehension that he actually thinks I would believe the biggest pile of crap hes managed to come up with - that he was lying about what they did do! I got home from the concert at about 2 am. I spent midnight to 1am waiting on a cab. Then a half hour ride to my car and another half hour drive home. he got home just a few minutes before me so no he didnt spend the night with her. He got what he wanted and came home to lie and find something new or better the very next morning. I told him about my night and my crazy friend. He was strangely silent about his fun with the guys - which is out of character as typically he thinks the world revolves around him. I was already putting puzzle pieces together. Avoiding the obvious to avoid the drama. But the abuse, the car cleaning, the haircut. How thrilled he was that I was going somewhere with my girlfriend - not his usual demeanor. I went to delete an app I had for work since i didnt need it any more...and I noticed the meetme app. under his gmail - which has always been on my phone for mutual contacts. Didnt take me long to figure that out. I made a fake profile and proceeded to initiate a chat with him. In spite of being at work he responded quickly and proceeded to chat up - looking for the next hook up. So if the Stephanie chick thinks she was special he used her disrespectfully as he does all women. I didnt last long. - deception doesnt set well with me. So after about 3 hours of progressive chatting where he would not admit he was married just "its complicated" I finally called him out and let him know he was chatting with me. By this time I had figured out his whole trail of lies and laid it out. The rest is in my other post...the fights, remorse, insults and more. Do I think Ive "won" over Stephanie? Emphatically no...winning is losing - the person he sticks with (me) is ultimately the loser. There is no winning a lying, cheating, abusive, sex and porn addicted narcissistic husband with anger issues! Now he keeps going on about how hes going to fix this and get himself right and how he loves me. Ive told him he needs to look deeper - whatever he thinks he feels or needs me for it is not love. His actions were not/are not love. I have been in the same crappy marriage..perhaps worse for me since Im on the stabbed part of the stick mostly - and yet I have not made those choices. Im not chatting with a man. Ive never given any man my phone number - not my real one or some textnow app like he has. Never been on a date. Never set up a date. Never gone to a porn and glory hole arcade. I dont flirt with men or leer at them. Oh theres soooo many things I havent done! And staying with him...Ive tried that. It doesnt matter if we are doing well together or not - he always eventually lies and deceives. He always gets to be the one that got away with it. Mr. Cool. Mr. Clever. His first therapy session is tomorrow. Good for him. I hope he does get a handle on himself. As I told him he should do it for him - not us, not me, not our marriage. He could have gone on happily being a lying cheat for many more months - getting caught upsets his apple cart tremendously. He ends up depressed and mentions suicide and thoughts of death. He spirals into bids for sympathy by sharing physical ailments - ailments that didnt seem to affect his drive for sex and deceit until he got busted. But ultimately I dont think hes prepared nor has he ever shown the ability to stick with any self improvement. And it would take many months past a year for him to make a substantial change. I hope he does - at the end maybe another, better, relationship that doesnt have a history of war will give him a happy future. But the true total disrespect lies in all the details of his deception and that devil killed his marriage by his choice.
For the past year my husbands verbal abuse has ebbed and flowed. When I thought things were getting better for a stretch...two weeks being a stretch. We would have sex...then the flow would come the next day. A sudden verbal attack because I offered to help on some mechanic thing. He threw a wrench at me for offering...or because he was frustrated but either way the scare tactics were directed at me. Or because I didnt hear something. And I would be back to not being the least bit interested in sex with someone who is mean. I also refused to be pathetic and defended myself. Usually reasonably by pointing out I should not be talked to that way. Also just as usually my husband would then point out what a bitch I am, How I am a terrible wife. No one likes me. No wonder I have no friends. How I think everything should be perfect. Yada Yada. Occasionally I would try to re-direct to the specific issue at hand (the abusive snap) but that was rarely successful. This is the timeline after the fact but here goes.
Several months ago he joined a website called meetme. He did not list himself as married. He proceeded to chat up women. He texted one woman in Wyoming who then sent him very dirty pictures--pictures of her hooha. Yuck. He kept the texts with the pictures. In september he started chatting with Stephanie. A divorced mother of one whose profile says she wants no married men but she responded to my husband knowing he was married so again not so much. She is slightly older than me but looks much older. Trashy in a bikerish trailer park style with a mouth to match. They chatted. They texted for at least several weeks. Then started talking on the phone. Not briefly but hours. While he was at work or on his way home. They sexted. My husband has a penchant for jacking off...he often needs to be jacked off at the end of sex even. So he claims he didnt masturbate while talking/texting/sexting to her behind his locked door but that is a lie which I know with a certainty akin to knowing I wont live forever. In fact one night my husband and I were sitting in the living room. He smiled at his phone and I asked who are you texting that youre smiling at your phone. He said something then went to sit in the front yard. Where he called Stephanie and talked to her for 90 minutes while his family was sitting inside and I was oblivious. Well not so oblivious really. This is a powerful affront on every level for me. Beyond disrespect I cant even fathom the sociopath connotations. This was the day before our anniversary on 9/26/16. On the day of our anniversary he told me that Saturday he planned on going out with the guys from work. And that he hoped Eddie would go to because they'd have a blast. But Shane was going...blah blah - he pursued his lies as hard as he pursued his date. On 9/25 he was looking up hotels in Westminster. He found a La Quinta and mapped it. Mapped it again on 9/26 and 9/28. Then called Stephanie again. Contact both on Meetme and the phone was initiated by him. He pursued her and pursued her hard. He told her we were "separated". He failed to tell her that just a couple weeks before we had sex (eww) . And that we hadnt had sex the couple weeks after because he verbally abused me and insulted me. He again had on hour conversation with her on Thursday. On Friday the 30th of September he came home and spent several hours cleaning his truck inside and out. When he came in the house he asked me to trim his hair - but not a lot and "not to fuck it up" because last time it was a little messed up. I obliged. On Saturday he went out. Bought condoms. A normal stranger date is to meet someone at a bar or public place...isnt it? I wouldnt know but thats what I think. They didnt. They met at the hotel and went to a room. According to him they kissed then went out for drinks. Then back to the room where they talked and kissed more. Since she knew he lived with his wife shes both desperate and a slut - but with her lack of looks beggars cant be choosers. He screamed at me that they fucked as well when eventually confronted.. And in the logic of the entire situation of course they fucked and tongued - no news to me. He only aid it to try to wound - unsuccessfully. And it pisses me off beyond comprehension that he actually thinks I would believe the biggest pile of crap hes managed to come up with - that he was lying about what they did do! I got home from the concert at about 2 am. I spent midnight to 1am waiting on a cab. Then a half hour ride to my car and another half hour drive home. he got home just a few minutes before me so no he didnt spend the night with her. He got what he wanted and came home to lie and find something new or better the very next morning. I told him about my night and my crazy friend. He was strangely silent about his fun with the guys - which is out of character as typically he thinks the world revolves around him. I was already putting puzzle pieces together. Avoiding the obvious to avoid the drama. But the abuse, the car cleaning, the haircut. How thrilled he was that I was going somewhere with my girlfriend - not his usual demeanor. I went to delete an app I had for work since i didnt need it any more...and I noticed the meetme app. under his gmail - which has always been on my phone for mutual contacts. Didnt take me long to figure that out. I made a fake profile and proceeded to initiate a chat with him. In spite of being at work he responded quickly and proceeded to chat up - looking for the next hook up. So if the Stephanie chick thinks she was special he used her disrespectfully as he does all women. I didnt last long. - deception doesnt set well with me. So after about 3 hours of progressive chatting where he would not admit he was married just "its complicated" I finally called him out and let him know he was chatting with me. By this time I had figured out his whole trail of lies and laid it out. The rest is in my other post...the fights, remorse, insults and more. Do I think Ive "won" over Stephanie? Emphatically no...winning is losing - the person he sticks with (me) is ultimately the loser. There is no winning a lying, cheating, abusive, sex and porn addicted narcissistic husband with anger issues! Now he keeps going on about how hes going to fix this and get himself right and how he loves me. Ive told him he needs to look deeper - whatever he thinks he feels or needs me for it is not love. His actions were not/are not love. I have been in the same crappy marriage..perhaps worse for me since Im on the stabbed part of the stick mostly - and yet I have not made those choices. Im not chatting with a man. Ive never given any man my phone number - not my real one or some textnow app like he has. Never been on a date. Never set up a date. Never gone to a porn and glory hole arcade. I dont flirt with men or leer at them. Oh theres soooo many things I havent done! And staying with him...Ive tried that. It doesnt matter if we are doing well together or not - he always eventually lies and deceives. He always gets to be the one that got away with it. Mr. Cool. Mr. Clever. His first therapy session is tomorrow. Good for him. I hope he does get a handle on himself. As I told him he should do it for him - not us, not me, not our marriage. He could have gone on happily being a lying cheat for many more months - getting caught upsets his apple cart tremendously. He ends up depressed and mentions suicide and thoughts of death. He spirals into bids for sympathy by sharing physical ailments - ailments that didnt seem to affect his drive for sex and deceit until he got busted. But ultimately I dont think hes prepared nor has he ever shown the ability to stick with any self improvement. And it would take many months past a year for him to make a substantial change. I hope he does - at the end maybe another, better, relationship that doesnt have a history of war will give him a happy future. But the true total disrespect lies in all the details of his deception and that devil killed his marriage by his choice.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Whoops
Having shared my husbands shameful truth provided me a luxury I havent received since counseling - support. Last night my husband came home in a rage. I was talking to the woman..probably not the only woman but at least the most recent..he hooked up with. He raged for 30-40 minutes screaming some of the worst abuse yet. He cornered me and wouldnt let me pass then when I tried to he pushed me against the wall holding me there with his hands while I cried and struggled and demanded to be let to. The usual names..cunt, bitch were screamed in my face with no escape allowed by him. How no one likes me. How his family hates me. How he sees why my mother didn't love me. He is done. Hes got a great lawyer so Ill get screwed (emphasized with an ignorant click click of his mouth). He will have a better, smarter, prettier, sexier woman. That parts even ironically humiliating for him since his hookup is older than me, homely, and drops the F word as much as he does. He continued to insult, threaten, bully and scream. He pushed me and said sometimes he’d like to fuckin kill me. I really just hit my limit. Mostly I didn't engage other than asking why he was so mad since when he has this rage I’m scared for my life at times and more so as his violence gets worse.. Finally I slipped to the side and ran to the bedroom and locked the door behind me. Later once he was calm the next stage of manipulation began. Seemingly horrified at his own behavior he vowed to "fix" it and get help. And do all he could to make it up. There's a sucker born every day...there's one that dies too and the sucker in me is very dead. It was however a dramatic experience. He did make that counselor appt. But when I didn't applaud and praise him he began the bait and switch campaign. Subtle. Applying for a job in California because hes not wanted here. Bought me a card but didn't even write a name in it- mine or his. And he doesn't have the wherewithal to up and leave..its just an attempt at a threat. And unintentionally demonstrate his narcissistic inability to empathize. he called his hookup today at work and talked to her for 10 minutes. He lacks the intellect it requires to understand how this is offensive. I feel confident i need not spell out why to anyone else! Whoops he did it again! Future whoops are sure to follow.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Wash, Rinse, Repeat
This is the same old cycle. Mentally and emotionally tiring. I am able to achieve a stable sense of self the majority of the time but humanity sneaks its way in at times. My husband spent the night before last in the apologetic begging for forgiveness stage. Easily recognized as the standard pattern to manipulate me. By the time he got home from work he had advanced to the next stage of his oh so standard game plan. Be nice. When Im not nice enough back reprimand me - in front of our daughter so she can agree because its "never going to work if I cant be nice". Point out how nice HE was and I wasnt. Now he can redirect blame back onto to me like any talented narcissistic abuser. With the strength and confidence of self I found a few years ago to overcome emotional turbulence of abuse patterns his latest verbal abuse arsenal now centers on how I am frigid - in and out of bed. A logical and intellectual reaction to abuse does not equal a lack of emotion however. Its maturity and self control. Two days and hes texting "have a nice day, love you" and I doubt he has the emotional or intellectual capacity to understand why this rollercoaster manipulation is no longer effective. I would prefer he be what he wants to be and leave me be. But this isnt about love or himself. Its about control and manipulation. If he does that then he no longer maintains control over me and in the end the verbal and emotional abuse, the manipulation, the blame, the lying and cheating all revolves around control not love. I had mentioned on facebook that I was having a bad week. within minutes he texted me asking me to keep it between us. If he doesnt want anyone to know then hes conscious of the wrongness. Its my basic philosophy if you dont want others to know about it dont do it - its called integrity - the worst he can say about me is I dont tolerate his abuse well anymore and that can be shared anywhere he wants. And still willing to lie - in this case to preserve not his image - but again his "rightness". It the same old cycle - and its dirty laundry. Wash rinse repeat.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Date Night
For the past few months Ive watched my husband become more engrossed..or re-engrossed rather..in his phone. i dont check it - i got over that some time ago. but he sits across from me leering at his phone and smiling and its patently obvious the circle meets again. Hes sleeps in the spare room now - I didn’t tell him to he just started sleeping there because he’s developed a lot of sleep problems- or at least that’s the cloaking excuse. Ive joined him here and there but hes never joined me. For awhile I almost thought he had advanced because even though he wasn’t sleeping with me things were better..then I realized nawww..cant be..its hard to let go of that way of thinking when my own mind works normally - trying to fathom the abnormal thought process of another is difficult. On saturday 9/25 I was even feeling a bit benevolent..then I didn't hear the last sentence of something he said and the verbal vitriol spewed all over my head. How I don't listen to him and what a bitch I am. I immediately and firmly responded that he had no right to speak to me that way just because I didn't hear something and next time I would not be interested enough to ask. Later that night I asked him to describe something and again received a tone and wording equivalent to treating me like an imbecile. I also was telling him how to look at something on my facebook on his phone and he said fuck you bitch - and hung up on me. Our anniversary was 9/27. I got a happy anniversary text. And thats the day he began plotting more secrets. On our anniversary he told me that on Saturday he and his work buddies were going out to have a few beers. I didn't object - why would I ? That's perfectly reasonable. And I am fully behind him ahving friends - and I want to trust and work with him. Then Friday night he comes home and spends an inordinate amount of time cleaning his vehicle inside and out. Then he wants me to give his hair a trim. What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. It took very little effort or imagination to realize he was planning a hookup. I mentioned he was going on a date and he retorted that he was going to fuck someone. The truth couched in sarcasm. Luckily for me at the last minute a friend called with an extra concert ticket so she and I went our way and he went to his work buddy fun - but oh no wait - it was really a date or technically a hookup. With someone he met online. And met at a hotel for that date (what a skank) And anyways what kind of desperate whore has her first meeting with a man at a hotel? And the plot was obvious. Typically he would talk about his entire night as i did my concert adventure. But out of character he had little to say. I even slept with him saturday night - ewwww. I also stumbled upon his profile Monday morning.. Irresistably I created my own fake profile on that website and proceeded to chat with him for several hours. Hilarious that he was still looking for other women to hook up with after his date with the homely old gal! alas I called him out on it on the phone before he got home. He was furious - at me. It was all my fault. He proceeded to tell me fuck you, explained what a terrible wife i am. How I don't do his laundry. Don't have enough sex (even though he’d rather jack off with Ed pills and porn) Kicked him to the spare room - although as a side note I never actually kicked him there. He has sleep issues that affect me so slept there a couple nights. (restless legs, twitching, snoring, sweating _hes even punched me in the face a couple times) Then said that mattress was better on his back...and well it just went on like that. I'd rather sleep together when we are doing well. Not that I want to sleep with him now so the end justifies the means. Anyways after he got home he also managed to scream at me that he fucked her and it was great (so great he was looking for fresh meat the next morning lol) inclusive to calling me a bitch, cunt, bad wife etc. Hmmm..once done most things cant be undone. In a selfish attempt to save face he also took a break and went and told our kids what he did. When i told him that was inappropriate he got even more furious screaming abuse and insults like a thunderstorm across Kansas! Eventually he started to say he felt sorry - but his tone of voice belied that. He didn't sound apologetic at all and I told him so. Then he progressed into regret, crying, and begging and more begging. This is just bad to worse. Then he wants me to believe him. He snuck around planning a date and hookup AT a hotel and suddenly his word is good haha. Then started the lets go to marriage counseling. I'm not responsible for his choice of actions. He needs to figure out himself and who he is or wants to be out and then we can work together with a counselor. And the corker - he acts like he feels bad but ONLY BECAUSE HE GOT CAUGHT! And he wont admit it! but he was happily chatting my fake profile up hours later. Not admitting he was married. And nothing came about until I busted his chops. And today I found out that after I outed him he actually called and texted her. Ostensibly to break it off...then of course he deleted it all. And tried to refuse to admit that deleting it is lying and deceiving. In fact since hes well aware I think hes the biggest liar evvvver then if he had even a smidgen of intellect he would have kept proof of his break off texts rather than delete them. So he dug his hole deeper. And now what? I told him nothing grosses me out more than knowing i slept with him after he fucked someone else and plotted it from our anniversary on right through my birthday.. So he thinks we can fix it - huh - I asked him how with his problems he thinks he can wait around for me to trust him? I mean the meanness is a turnoff but this really is just a total eww. Ive told him just to be him - if thats what he needs to do then whatever but own it, live it, and dont draft me into a lie. just do it. This whole thing brings new meaning to the recommended marital Date Night! He got his date night...just not with me. Oh and as an addendum to this stellar week on my anniversary i also got fired from my job over a work comp osha issue then my daughters pitch coach starts sending bitchy texts because I shorted her 5 bucks - even though the damn lesson was cut short. Thank goodness my crazy friend took me on some crazy train awesome fun at that concert while my husband was on his date!
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