Twenty Shades of My Husband

Yesterday I felt very melancholy. I was uable to drag myself out of it. Of course its hold loosened once my kids got home. I didnt receive the texts from my husband yesterday or today...though that was not the cause of my internal blandness. Im also not surprised to not receive such texts...they arent sent because he feels them..theyre sent to illicit a behavioral correction by me and when my reaction isnt forthcoming they cease. In other words they arent sent for ME...they are sent for him to manipulate a perceived and expected reward. I wonder..often...if I always overestimated his depth perception. Today I finally read Fifty Shades of Grey...I couldnt stand not being privy to all the hoopla any longer. I didnt find it fascinating or erotic...more perturbing. To explain why I must review my history more explicitly. When I first discovered my husbands porn it was just pictures of pretty women...some 8 years ago or so. As I said it didnt overly concern me. As he erased his history my eventual concern was derived more from the volume and frequency. We discussed, he cut back...as would happen again and again. The next discovery was even more volume..night after night. This time naked and straight sex. Later girl on girl. Then threesomes. Then S&M...bondage, gang bang, teens,...then shemales. When I clicked on shemales I became beyond disturbed...his fix was requiring harder and sicker fantasys to be satisfied. Then...a secret email account..a few emails for sex, videos,cam sites. Escorts. Ads for body rubs. Escorts that were pairs. Comments about "allowing" me to have sex with another man while he watched. In the beginning I strangely tried to conform...thinking it was openmindedness. I watched some porn with him...was even turned on by lighter stuff. Opened myself to "toys". Not for me though...and thats what was inherently wrong with it..I never changed or added anything sexual for my pleasure or ours...it was always to comply with his fantasy. The emails became the phone number list..the ones he called were two hookers who worked together. The one with 3 stars was a tranny. He knew sexual terms I had never heard of...fisting and the like. And as his sickness became sicker it became more secretive...and acted upon. He went to an arcade..glory holes. My mind chases it...did he use a glory hole with a MAN?! I dont want to imply I am repressed..in my single days I had the benefit of experiencing limited sexual freedom...as many do in their early twenties. But it is restricted to my past...and even there if my husband knew he would have a hypocritical fit. And why? I have never even thought waywardly since we met. Our pasts before we met are irrelevant..and not related to the commitment we made. Where we were is not where we are. So back to Fifty Shades...I found it abhorrent..but honest. At least Christian presented her with a reality based choice. I found myself hurrying to the end..to the part where I knew she would leave...and where I knew in his stupidity it would be unexpected by him. I wasnt disappointed. My husband has twenty shades I know of...which makes the thirty I dont know that much scarier..did those friction spots really come from his hand? Dry balls from the weather? Well whatever..I am sorely disappointed ...I think my melancholy came from that age old sentiment..is this all there is? When I felt love, and loved, this thought never pricked me...now its a stinging sensation. Today is our wedding anniversary...

Trying or Lying?

At home my husband has been spending less time on his phone...at least when Im awake. He has been mostly respectful, affectionate, loving...even in the face of my semi resistance to believing it. Narcissist love bombing I learned later. Trust takes time I thought ...and we are still in two steps forward one step back mode. But I still run into the porn roadblock..this often makes me think I am just missing some of those roadblocks. There was the instance where my young daughter told me he was looking at women before I took the kids to drop them at a football game. While they were gone I retrospectively realized  he was horny from looking at porn-not me. Then last night...he was soooo tired he could barely stay awake. My daughter fell asleep on our bed early so he decided to crash in our spare room rather than disturb her...and he said he was exhausted...yet the glow under the crack of the door showed he wasnt too tired for one thing! I opened that door...down went the phone. He didnt click off the page though and instantly said he was looking at porn. He was also using his incognito browser option...I told him the only reason to use that is to hide it...which is lying. He claims to only be looking once in awhile...that it had been weeks...and yet its in my face daily..and thats just what Ive been slapped in the face with. So is he trying...or lying? Either way knowing my husband is laying in the spare room perusing dirty pictures of other women is the ultimate turn off. So back a step we go...at the very least sexually. Just when I was considering putting my wedding ring back on. I never would have guessed I would be such a gullible fool