Not so Happy Holidays

This will be a mini chapter post. Just how wrong things are on a daily basis. Emphasized by the season.

Right around thanksgiving...well I already went over the texts he sent and his stopping by the Juicy Duchesses place - or where she lives with her Mom anyways. Yuck. Anyways there was and Amber alert for a 13 year old girl. It went off 4x And I said "well thats enough alerts". He responded 'yeah Im sick of those ambers about that bitch". I said 'what?! Shes not a bitch thats just a lot of alerts." He says "yeah but it's some 41 year old she knows that she's with". Ugh. I answered thats not on her-shes just a kid! to which he replied "she's 13 she knows what she's doing". WHAT?! "maybe she was groomed but she's 13 thats still a kid and victim. But it shows me more of what is wrong with him.

The weekend after Thanksgiving we were in the store and he asked if we need tv dinners. I said i didn't know but thought we had some. He said our son ate them and I say "oh okay". And he replied "I don't think I ever make you happy". Like wtf? Made no sense.

Next day he sneezes. I say bless you. He then berates me for not saying bless you "yeah thanks for the bless you like you ever say it to me". I did say it - he is very hard of hearing. I mostly do but really - no one else would act like that over someone not saying it. Just more attempts to attack.

Couple days later I was gone a bit while he was home. Didn't take much to realize he snooped my room. When I asked about it it..mildly...he said he went in to get tooth picks but the toothpaste and other items were still on top of the floss toothpicks so he lied. For what I don't know.

This one I stood up for myself. So he had wrecked his truck and got 5k for the old thing and another 2k for a bike that was in the back and not really damaged. Then he borrowed another 1k from his family. Then while I tried to stay out of it he insisted on my input. I said no a few times but he wouldnt let it go.I finally said well you have almost as much now as we bought it for and then borrow to upgrade rather than replace. I didn't mention that the truck was financed in my name too and I was working. I won't even go there. And I told him he would borrow money from his parents to upgrade himself but hasn't borrowed money to replace my daughters broken window thats been that way for at least 3 years. (Which he doesn't even seal - I do. Its Colorado. Her room freezes.) Then he has the audacity to say why don't I borrow money from MY family?! Yeah - my family that pays 20K a YEAR for college? While his parents have paid 2k and only on one kid?!Yeah fuck ALL the way off.

December 15 he got off work early due to wind. First thing he did was text the Duchess (her online stupid name). Yuck.

December 16 he tells me he 'wants to be honest' so tells me he likes some girls and babes (yuck again) on Instagram. I'm like "I don't care do whatever". He says "but I want you to care! I just want to be honest". I told him that doesn't make any sense - so you want me to care but you'll do it anyways? Yeah no. I don't care". Inside voice says stau the fkk away from me.

Tuesday before xmas out shopping -reluctantly with him on my part. I went into ulta and sprayed some perfume on me while in there while he waited in the car. When I got in he said I smelled good and in a semi generous response I leaned to him and exposed my neck for him to smell. Then I pulled back to start the car. And he got all pissy and said "you sure shine me off well". I didn't respond -trying to avoid inevitable verbal abuse. No luck. He started in on how "he gets it and won't be working on it" and blah blah. After several minutes I was like - way to work on it? For what -two weeks maybe?Any idea of the damage you did texting that girl?He says thats a month ago. I'm not bothering with saying I know he did again a week ago. he also harrassed me in Wendys drive thru for being on my phone for 30 seconds when I drove all day so obviously wasn't on my phone. He was on his. Hypocrite.

Omg. Then the trash. Been sitting in the kitchen over a week. I asked my son to take it out and he got rude about me asking my son. Apparently I'm supposed to ask him because he can't see what he steps around every day. And our son doesn't live here.

Christmas eve our other son needed his room So my husband slept in mine. Or was going to. In a misplaced moment of generosity I initiated sex. It was...nothing. And neither of us completed. I finally said lets take a break. After a few minutes he started touching me. And he wouldn't stop. Like over 30 minutes. I kept still. I finally set his hand aside - It was 1am and the pounding had hurt. I needed rest. A few minutes later he started putting on his underwear so then I started putting mine on. And that's when he attacked. Told me that was fkn bullshit. That I didn't enjoy it. That that's the last time he's ever sleeping with me. Not that I care about the threats. But the screaming and berating. He left and came back twice to yell at me some more. I didn't actually respond to any of it other than shaking my head to myself. Reasoning with insanity can't be done.

The worst part. After he does these things he seems to think I should want a kiss. Or to spend time together. REally.

Leopard Spots

 He is sinking quickly and easily. But I’m not. He’s shown me who he is and I can’t unsee it and for some reason that makes him less capable of hiding it. My instincts are true and I know what I know. Last weekend I saw that he visited Tagged a dating site and checked his messages. The first night I said nothing. The next night he started pressuring me about sex. Did I forget to mention he has herpes? Anyways just continuing to deny him was getting risky and he was getting angry. I told him I wanted to want sex. But I had a question.So I decided to handle it but in a new me way not an old me way. So I didn’t accuse - I asked him if he’d been in any sites he shouldn’t be. His first answer was “not really”. I asked what not really meant and if he was sure. I could tell he knew that I knew. So he said well yes that he’d been on tagged. I quietly too a breath then thanked him for being honest and that I appreciated him being honest. He then proceeded to gaslight me by blaming me for him being on the website because he “was looking to see if I was on. Then he asked the same - if I was on dating sites. I have never been on a dating site that 1) I didnt find via him being on it 2) that I wasn’t on to catfish him or 3) ever chatted with someone in. Whereas he has had sex with women off sites. Anyways I replied no I’m not. That’s not my thing. Did he thank me? Accept my answer? Fuck no. He said “ I think you are. I think you lie. I think you have options and are texting guys. If you went out and got drunk I think you’d go fuck the first guy you met”. I explained how insulting and hypocritical that is and we talked in circles for a good 7 minutes. When I said I had enough and went to my room he said “you need help”. Ha! For what? I wasn’t even angry. I looked at him and told him that gaslighting and diverting no longer works on me and that me reacting to him crossing my boundaries is his issue not mine. That was pretty much it. In some ways relieving as it validated not having him touch me. He still thinks I’m the sucker he can fool and lie to - complete lack of realization. Then a couple days ago I find out that the Saturday before thanksgiving he texted one of the women he said he wouldn’t - in fact he said he didn’t have her number. Liar. He texted her 3 separate times over 2 days trying to get ahold of her. And in the text I see that he also stopped by her moms house - where the 40 yr old loser lives- twice! I asked him about this also. Of course at first he lied. Then he admitted it and said it was an impulsive mistake. Um 3 texts over two days AND you went by her house?! Not impulsive but persistent. I didn’t say this. I calmly said I am just tired of the lies. I don’t care. It is what it is. I can’t choose who you want to be. I can only choose me. And I walked away. The next night he wanted a kiss and hug when he got home from work. What?! I said no. Do you really believe you can do what you want and I’m not going to set my consequences on it? For me? He said “ I don’t do whatever I want”. Ha . I didn’t answer that one except in my head which is if he’s not doing what he wants then what he wants must really be disgusting. As I told him he hasn’t changed one bit. He just thinks he’s lying better. He’s not. Leopards do not change their spots. 

As a little addendum today in the car he said “if he could just get our son to text him back”. I said he’s probably in baseball practice right now. And he said “ well I know I wasn’t saying I expected him to call me right this minute”. And his inflection was defensively rude as if I’d insulted him. I chuckled lightly and said I was amazed how he could take a mild statement and treat it like I’d made a grave insult. He said what “I didn’t hear you”. And I said nothing - then he replied about how I was making something out of nothing and started tagging on me about being mad. Ho hum. I smiled and lightly said what - I’m not even close to mad - but I thought you didn’t hear me? That ended that.