Back to square one

Several days last week my husband complained of neck pain. Said he was sure it was serious and probably ruptured. On Wednesday he was moaning and “dying”and went late as he was barely able to move. A few hours later he butt dialed me and I could hear him yelling to his coworkers and laughing. When he got home that night he again was debilitated. When I mentioned it he pawned it off. On Friday when he came home he went straight to his room with extreme neck and back pain. Through all this I did the usual...back rub after back rub. Playing fetch it. Being sympathetic. Saturday morning he was up at 4am. Puking. Moaning. Groaning. Yelling. Complaining. Burst in my room to tell me how painful it is... and make derogatory remarks to me. And how he hadn’t slept all night because of the pain and how much worse that was making it. And how someone else can pick up the slack. I ignored the insults. I had an appointment at noon to look at a car for my son that day. When we got ready to leave my daughter peeked in his room and said he was asleep. I peeked in after and backed out closing his door. My daughter and I discussed that he was finally sleeping and snoring which he needed to feel better. I texted him and told him we checked on him and left him because he was finally resting and that I hoped that did it (for getting better). He called shortly after and proceeded to yell fuck you at me repeatedly for not waking him because he wanted to go and didn’t want to be home all day. Of course I stated the obvious about his condition which also earned me a fuck you. I didn’t respond in kind - in fact I was kind calm and firm. I told him I was sorry I misunderstood the severity of his ailment and that as he stated he couldn’t even walk I didn’t think 4 hours in the car would help his back. I also told him that saying fuck you is unacceptable. We had some time left before the appointment and I offered to wait where we were at so he could meet us and go. He said fuck you and hung up. I texted and congratulated him on his amazing recovery and offered again to meet but again he refused which I told him was his decision. He doesn’t last 4 hours running errands when his back doesn’t hurt so not sure about his thought process. So Sunday he’s still fine. Rides his dirtbike. Watches porn. Then came mes Monday and suddenly he’s debilitated again. Need I mention that this is usually on mondays or fridays? Mostly mondays though. Psychosomatic maybe? So he wakes me at 4am for a back rub. Then fetch me stuff. Then the massager. And when I start with the massager he starts bitching at me. First how he hates his life and everything about it sucks and there’s nothing good in it. I told him he’s never been happy or satisfied and that within him. Then he bitched about my Facebook status being “complicated”. And he was going to put how he feels in his fb. First I told him the status of complicated is NOT a feeling it’s a situation. And when your husband is a cheater and fucking other women it IS complicated and if he wasn’t fucking other women it wouldn’t say that. I said all of this without anger and in an even tone. He didn’t say anything back - some facts can’t be manipulated. I then told him I’d get him a dr appt and cancel a getaway we had planned to Florida. To which he called me retarded. I decided not to engage - he has no reasoning skills anyways. But the mortgage is past due. It would have paid 2 wks late on Friday but he took 420.00 in cash out of our account and we needed 200.00 of that to cover the mortgage. He took it for no real reason 100 for pot 100 for gas but the rest? Just because he thinks it’s all “his” money so he has a chip on his shoulder. Anyhow...so he’s missing work and can barely function. So what’s the point of a mini vacation when 1. He can’t move and is in pain. 2. Nothing good in his life so why would we go together. 3. With more missed days we can’t afford a vacation day. 4. We can’t afford the hotel because of lost income 5. The year just started and insurance deductible is back to 0 so we have to spend on copays and deductible for treatment. Duh. Then he starts bitching because I haven’t taken care of getting his dr appt. I did tell his it was inappropriate that he berate me while I’m massaging his back and finding doctors. But as I sat there running the massager and he fell asleep I started to feel pissed off. When I had cataract surgery in October he sure never made my appointments. He never went to one. He called his skank on my birthday. He was fucking her while I was planning surgery. And even though he had the day off he didn’t take me to surgery and wait- my 16 year old daughter did. I said zero and quietly exited his room but my resolve is clear.

Weird

 Sometimes the present is a weird place to be. Mostly my husband and I are in stasis. Maybe he’s just playing me again for his own reasons probably worried about losing things. When he’s in the heat of trying or succeeding at cheating he convinces himself that it’s what he needs to be happy. But as a narcissist he will never be happy. Nothing will ever be enough. But I’m riding the tide for now. He has erectile dysfunction. A variety of very strange items in his room show his desperation with this. Electrodes accompanied by cock rings. Different kinds of Ed pills. Butt stuff. He gets hard but sometimes not as easily. He doesn’t always stay fully hard. And only occasionally can he ejaculate. Maybe one out of 6. I’m off my main subject though. A few nights ago we had sex. After a lot of work on my part and hand work he finally came. I was satisfied with that and for him. But within minutes he started displaying the massive insecurity that lurks in him always. He was mad that I was done and didn’t ride him. Was I getting it somewhere else. Was I finishing myself. It went in for a bit and had to have ruined the euphoria he should have wallowed in. Giving for me is positive. But for him sex is about validation. Eventually he came round with more work by me placating him. A couple nights ago I slept with him. I was reluctant considering in the mornings he’s been known to kick me out in unkind ways. But I stayed. It was nice. But then again I left his room at 4am when he got up on my own steam so I don’t know what the play would have been had I stayed in his bed. Then there was another day this week when he talked sex and wanting me all day. When he got home he was tired and it didn’t happen. But he said he’d come in my room in the morning. He didn’t. He apologized by text saying he overslept but he didn’t - he was watching porn at 4am. Meh. I didn’t mention or give much mind space to any of it. So last night was a weird push pull. I was watching tv with my daughter. He wanted me to come to his room. It’s like 8pm. He spends 90% of his time in that little room. My daughter told me I’d better not leave her out there (living room) alone. I kinda started going back and forth making excuses each direction. I finally went back to his room and we had sex. It was only 940 when we were done. I told him I’d just sleep in my room. He said I could stay sort of asked but not directly. Then he asked if I’d enjoyed it it was going to my room to finish myself. I can’t impart the tone of insecurity he asked with. I told him no I was satisfied. He said things referencing me cheating or having a boyfriend. I asked when I would even do that. He said he doesn’t know what I do all day. Hmm. Well he may be able to go fuck a chick during the day and come home and fuck me but that’s not me. Plus he has low standards that helps him find women that are ok with being fucked midday and left but my standards would be higher. And besides I’d planned to let the dogs sleep with me. That was more of placating than a sure thing. My daughter was still in the living room and I wanted to sit with her. Usually if I leave she goes to her room so since she was up I wanted to be there. For me it’s a thought out decision. I wish such minor acts didn’t require so much processing. In a Normal marriage they wouldn’t. But school is online. My daughter doesn’t have many friends and the ones she does are unreliable.She’s lonely. I am her reliability. She’s amazing . I love her to the moon. And in the end she’s always here for me. My husband isn’t. Long term I can count on her. Long term I can’t count on him. So in choices big and small I am going to place my heart on not losing my daughter. I don’t have his heart anyways. Anyways so I sat with her and then fell asleep which I rarely do out there. She woke me to go to bed. She said she had to say my name 4 times. So in fog I went to bed. I remember thinking I should let the dogs in because if I didn’t my husband might be weird but I was sleepy and didn’t want the two shepherds hogging my bed. Mistake. This morning he came in and started imparting paranoia and accusations over the dogs not being in my room. Drama drama. I deflected. Rubbed his shoulders. Missed him.Remained pleasant and unperturbed. Not what a narcissist is after in fact. Then I said well at least it’s not snowing yet. Since he has to work in my mind that meant a safer drive. But he said (as if I were being mean) that no it sucker it would be better for him if it was dumping then he wouldn’t have to work. I replied I just meant for his drive but it drifted behind him as he stomped out of my room and out the front door in a huff without a goodbye. I’m not sure if the dogs had been in my room it would have changed anything. He’d likely found another reason for drama. Sometimes I find it all so weird.