Crazy Train

My flight attendant overnight is in Amarillo today. Not much of a place. Got to my hotel about noon. Checked out cadilac ranch for 10 minutes.Took a swim. Got some food. Watched tv. Got an emotionally dicey text from my husband about not calling when I landed. I talked to him an hour the night before..after also receiving a dicey text because I took a walk ("I thought you were going to chill in your room"). Like taking a walk is some major offense.  I dont like lengthy talks on the phone. But I do it because he needs so much reassurance and if i don't he will launch a verbal attack. Anyways I called him once I was hanging in my room..like 7. Wish I hadn't. It was an immediate launch into a train of insults and accusations. Mad because hes at home alone while I gallivanting around doing fun stuff. Never mind that I spent years at home alone while he drove deliveries..but of course its different because he didn't do "fun" stuff like me..which amounts to me walking a 2 mile radius of my hotel and being in my room. But oh yeah one time I went to a patio bar and had a soda. I am comfortable with myself. Alone. Able to enjoy the small things. And when I talk to him it becomes more appealing even if its not how Id like it to be.But I spent a good 20 minutes deflecting rude untrusting comments("I'm sure you're fucking around on me") though his one success is that I cant stomach the idea of any kind of relationship so besides the fact that cheating isn't in my makeup I wouldn't desire to anyways. Then he indicated he has been tracking me via my phone because we share emails..I don't check his..I'm way past living life that way. He says its because he misses me..its not. Asked him what he thinks I'm doing...fucking the desk clerk in an alley? Then I deleted his email off my phone..it was only on for contacts anyways. He called to berate me about that...then changed his password..which just popped on notifications..I dont care..its not like when he cheats he uses his main email-he makes a fake one! I told him hes not self aware..its a control issue not love. And dependency. And I told him I'm not going to live out my life in his emotionally unstable tornado that happens every few days. Hes trying to keep me on his crazy train and I never bought a ticket.

I Need A Vacation

A few days ago my son attended an important college event for his future. I was working so my husband took him to the event several hours away. It was also my husbands birthday. I called him 9 times to say happy birthday but phone service was tough where he was at. I finally texted him happy birthday and also called him and left a message singing happy birthday. I'm never sure any more if I'm being genuine since I know if I don't put forth the effort I will be verbally and emotionally abused. When I got home later that night my son was eager to tell me about his event. My husband was excited also and told him to tell me about it. I gave both of them my attention and enjoyed the report and discussion lasting better than 40 minutes. We wound down and my son went to his room. Seconds later..verbal attack! I didn't give my husband a birthday hello kiss. I said "I'm sorry..I was distracted by your news..I didn't mean to. It wasn't on purpose". His response? You're a bitch. A frigid cold fucking piece of shit bitch. You can cancel my tickets for vacation. I don't want to go with you. I'd rather save my money and go with someone else. I can do better than you. I'm done. You think its all about you, you're a lying cheating fucking bitch I'm sure you're fucking someone else in fact I know you are"...this went on in this vein for another 3 minutes until I finally walked away to my bedroom saying I'm sorry but I don't want to fight with you. I went to bed. An hour later he barged in with more insults. Its interesting that the person thats done or doing the lying, cheating etc invariably accuses the one that hasnt of doing so. My only request when I left for work was that he not be crazy when I returned..and he was. When I declined sexual interest the next night this was all rehashed. At first he supported his words. When I disagreed and said his words did not make me desire sex nor his yelling at me he stated that I verbally abuse him too ..although my worst offense is a sometimes snotty tone. Making his attempt to become a victim concerning. And also a textbook narcissist.  But it degenerated all the same winding down to me stating its time to stop crazy train he rides. Though irritated with the constancy of verbal attacks from left field I didnt muster much anger at him. Vacation should be interesting.