Counting Stars

I take it back - any impression I gave that my husbands improved was false. It is I after all that has tried to change for less trauma. Last night he got home from work and walked in the door cussing under his breath. Didn't say Hi just went directly into a diatribe directed at me about money and how he makes it and doesn't know where it all goes. I didn't comment. ..when he comes home in this mood (often) the animosity in the air is palpable and abuse just one false step away so fear keeps me quiet. So I let it ride and a few minutes later told him I had his dinner ready already.  He said good and left the room. I took this opportunity to retreat to the basement to play some games with the kids. After a 20 minute cushion I went back up. He was sitting smoking a cigarette.  I asked an empathetic question about his day at work. He answered irritably and short - not necessarily directed at me but certainly not inviting further conversation. He was quite friendly and pleasant to the kids so he had it in him to be nice..just not to me. He was pretty much quiet and morose so I left him alone since my approach had already been met with testiness. Interesting side tidbit is he asked if I had cigarettes. I told him no...I typically avoid buying as its helped me cut back..and I don't care if I'm out as I am close to quitting. His system is usually to smoke whatever I have left and leave me a partial pack while he either has a pack in his car or buys some in the morning. When I said I didn't have any I was internally interested that he didn't ask me to get his out of the car. It an expectation that I serve him usually - and I do to avoid abuse Nor did he bitch about not having any...so I checked and he did have a pack in the car - he just didn't want to share. And it pisses him off that I don't buy any so this was "punishment". He knows me so little he thinks being without would bother me? Its the peek into his small mindedness that's interesting! I should add that in my younger years I smoked. My husband did not. I quit when I decided to have my son who is 15 1/2 now. I didn't smoke again until just under 2 yrs ago when I took to the occasional smoke due to stress. So I'm not obsessed with smoking. My husband smokes pot - heavily. He also started smoking cigs with me - now heavily. Much more than me. He's also been harassing me to smoke pot lately which really annoys me...he'll ask if I want to and when I say no he'll say I think I'm too good or tell me I'm a righteous bitch...or he'll harass me trying to pressure me to. I used to...and will once in a great while but I've no desire to be a pothead! Anyways later he went to bed and I stayed up folding laundry. I also watched "gigilos" on Showtime.  Which got it interesting real fast! About 6 minutes into the show my husband abruptly opens the bedroom door. He proceeds to have a fit "I see you get to watch porn and I dont. Thats a fucking double standard"...& he was pissed as he stomped off and shut the door. I waited a minute then opened it and said..."you know I'VE never stayed up night after night for 7 hours looking at porn and have never made a list of hookers I hid in my boots. I'm not an addict". He said I get to do whatever I want while he cant (interpret he wants porn!). He then told me to shut the fuck up and he needed to get to fucking sleep. I obliged immediately and shut the door. Another aspect of the new me who makes her own choices regarding nonproductive interaction with an addict. And he is a twit on many levels. Gigilos is a 30 minute show. Ten minutes is commercials. 3-4 minutes is soft porn...just conventional banging with butt and tit shots. And my husband views my watching it from his own vantage point and its indicative of both his own mind and lack of knowledge of mine. I actually fast forward through all three minutes of "porn". Its boring stuff and not titillating.  I dont watch it because its a turn on...I do like the reality characters. And if my husband were to say "I know you dont have my struggles but it would help if you wouldnt watch that show"...well I wouldnt watch it. Its not essential or even important.  But instead he gets all righteous to find a grievance that will validate his right to porn...to do what he wants. Certainly he does have that right...just as I have the right to not tolerate it. He's always making rude jokes about me doing it with someone...like the furnace repair guy or making "jokes" about me having a boyfriend - or girlfriend. I find them insulting and have told him so...they are really just glimpses into HIS mind aren't they?! And how did I miss that this guy has an addictive personality and the depth and willpower of an earthworm? Cigarettes, pot, porn, the f word..at least he doesnt drink lmao!! So Im left counting the negatives like the stars.

Seasons Change

The seasons changing...and I continue to as well. No super drama has invaded my mind space which supports the theory learned in DV counseling that people only do to you what you let them. I continue to stand firm ground on my boundaries. Thats not to say life runs smoothly. .that has never been my fate. Last week my husband, daughter and I were walking to my sons baseball game where there were several fields. My husband pointed to a field and said "thats the one he was on yesterday". I replied "I think it was the other one". "NO, it wasn't..I know which fucking one" my husband says. "It was that one..by parking"...then he says "oh...you're right it is that one". "Yes...you don't have to be so...argumentative" I replied. Now I made a conscious effort to say it in a mild tone...and to my ears succeeded. However my husband called me a bitch, said fuck you then turned on his heel and walked off from my daughter and I. I did not immediately respond or react. He returned to our car. I waited for some time..more than 30 minutes at least. Then I went to the car (our sons game was not starting for awhile). I opened the door and told my husband please dont call me a bitch in public, in front of my daughter,  or at all. He replied "then don't be one" and again got out and walked off. This behavioral response is common for him if he's wrong about something damn near irrelevant.  Anyways I did not address it further for several days. Until he pressured me for sex. If I was on a date I wouldn't go home with a man who called me a bitch...of course he doesnt get that. Anyways I told him...again..that calling me names is unacceptable.  He said my tone was snotty. I said he should certainly say so then...such as "I feel your voice is rude"...not call me a name and walk away. I also revisited the porn. He makes his own choices and I can't change. Its interesting that he tries to placate me but often slips glimpses of his true thoughts. At first he was understanding and in agreement on porn and name calling. Then came the grins...like I was a joke. Some eye rolling. making fun of me, No eye contact. Then that he only looks at porn here and there. Then how I should look in the mirror. And how one day he wad going to meet a woman who was nice to him and leave me. Its exasperating - and exhausting to try to talk to someone so obtuse.  Here I am addressing specific issues. ..not once did I generalize,  call him a name, or threaten to leave etc.. Of course in the old days this kind of undermining attack worked. I would be hurt, cry, get emotionally fearful..whatever. I simply replied that talking to him was difficult and based on his theory I should then "threaten" to find a man who doesn't call me a bitch and leave him. Although it continued in this vein he began to backpeddle and it digressed into a mild and more reasonable ending without silent hate. But the glimpse into the window was there. And I stuck to my guns on the boundaries - NO name calling NO porn. End of discussion.  Do I think he will adhere to that? Of course not. But the consequences are clear. And my solidarity is also clear...I did not get emotional. ..not angry. Not hurt. Just confident. I call this progress. I believe he would call it confusing.  Which makes me smile. He appears to think I will become the hurt confused girl I used to be. I'm not that girl and I kinda miss her.

Impasse-able!

Ive been feeling the fallout of my blandness. Out of sorts like at sea with no waves. I recently had a flat tire and in dealing with it hurt a rib joint. The physical toll has dragged me down a bit mentally. My husband continues to strive...for what Im not sure. He has objectified women so long he is immaturely uneducated. He knows its a struggle but doesnt "talk"...so there is no connection. I have become a somewhat lonely person. And yet I am different and confident. Sunday I rose before my husband. Before my feet hit the floor he says "you making coffee?". I do think my irritation was disproportionate but last time he asked he whined about me making it before I took a shower...and didnt get up for an hour after my shower so it could have waited. He does make coffee every weekday...but I dont demand or expect it. Anyways I responded yes I was making coffee...but I definitely had a vocally annoyed tone. He then called me a bitch. I let a few minutes pass then firmly told him I apologized for my shortness...and that he should NOT call me a bitch again - I called him no names. He apologized. Fine. That said he is back at the porn. Less frequently, less vulgar. Google+ pictures..hashtag sexy. A few showtime movies ala Busty Coeds. And I have no hurt feelings. Its a very stale mindset. I dont feel my mate. Its an impasse...stalemate!