Imagine That

 Things have been relatively calm for the past two weeks or so. At first there were a couple of small incidents which I can’t completely recall offhand but I let them slide by to keep the peace. There’s also been two incidents where my husband has been unusually reasonable. I’ve learned over time to find that suspicious. He started another love bombing phase though it’s not as extravagant as he used to be. But he’s been fairly nice and in some instances as I said too reasonable. In one incident he made a joke about cheating -something he does frequently and I’ve told him that I don’t find the jokes funny. In this particular instance in an even tone I told him that I don’t find jokes about cheating funny and that I would like it if he would not make such jokes. He responded that he agreed and he didn’t know why he made those kind of jokes and he would try to do it less. This isn’t the type of sentiment that I’ve ever seen him really support with his actions so the words seemed fashioned to manipulate me. He’s also struggling with erectile dysfunction. Unbeknownst to me it appears this has been going on for a long time. He has various sex toys in his room including a very strange electrical stimulation system with cock rings and he also has a variety of ED pills. And yet at this point he’s unable to ejaculate and struggles maintaining an erection. But like any narcissist he is very ego driven so I’ve been put in a position of having to fake orgasms again. Trying to direct things in a way that will satisfy me sexually only offends his sense of ego. And offending his ego leads to anger and/or verbal abuse so in my own interest of safety this is what I’ve had to do. I have asked him again in a reasonable tone if he experienced the same difficulties with his most recent skank partner. Instead of getting angry at me bringing up the subject of his cheating which again is also unusual he responded in a reasonable manner of discussion stating that the problem is ongoing. I’ve asked the questions in order to see if there’s a way to help him improve his sexual satisfaction. Although I’m not sexually attracted  it’s imperative at this time that I maintain a semblance of control in order to keep life stable. Unfortunately I also stepped back to observe myself. I found myself somewhat concerned actually very concerned that I might be getting sucked back in by the narcissist. By what is not real. By being manipulated by him. And I don’t wanna fall down that rabbit hole again. That rabbit hole is filled with pain for me and dishonesty cheating and manipulation by him. So this morning I asked him how many there were. I also told him I received a strange friend request. He didn’t ask what that friend request was or I would’ve told him it was from Amanda- someone who said he was pursuing her just recently. The reason he didn’t ask is because he became immediately angry at facing any truth that involves responsibility for horrible behavior. He said he wasn’t gonna go back over the last three years and happy fucking morning. Which tells me a lot. There have been many women and it’s been over the years. It also did what I needed it to do which was to put me in check and remind me of who he really is. Who he is in the mirror and the lack of integrity that he has as a person and as a husband. I’m hoping to still maintain the peace and certainly won’t be mentioning this in immediate future but I’m glad that I did even if it ruffled the peace because I needed it. I needed it for my mindset. I need it for my mental health and determination. Imagine he’s gotten away with what he’s done to our marriage. But it’s just that - his imagination

Strange

 My last post was from a couple weeks ago. To control the situation I adopted a let’s pretend it didn’t happen attitude. This has worked well but I can see him on the edge of narcissistic collapse already. He’s so addicted to porn. And he’s starting to show a lack of self esteem manifesting in attacks and his very own pity parties. The one incident that has been difficult for me is him getting snarky with me. I was telling him a story. My son was there and he used that subtle insult attitude and tone to question me in a suspicious way about why I would be texting a female friend from years ago that I just found. And when I got snarky back with him saying at least I wasn’t going on a date with a man from highschool like he did with a woman and my son reprimanded me saying I was being passive aggressive. that aggravates me because it’s like he can say whatever he wants but they want me to just lay down and take it to keep the peace and I don’t wanna be that doormat anymore. Typically when my son is around since he’s the golden child my husband will hang out a bit but lately even with my sons around he’s in his room. he comes home from work goes straight to his room. Comes out to get food goes back to his room and he stays in his room constantly. It’s actually really weird and I don’t understand how anyone can spend their entire life in their room -this has been going on for almost 2 weeks. Then today he went to work but he ended up coming home without getting all the way there because he was sick. I already had appointments scheduled with a doctor and a little bit of shopping to do so I went into his room in the morning he said he didn’t need anything so I let him be to rest.  Before I left I went back in and he was asleep so I left him alone to rest and went into the doctor. Not long after that I started getting calls. I didn’t get them till after I got out of the doctors exam room but they were along the lines of “why won’t you answer” “ the fact that you’re gone without anyone makes me wonder” which of course is an implication that he wonders if I’m doing something I’m not supposed to do but that’s only based upon his own actions since I’m not the one that cheats.  Then when I do get home I’m again like can I do anything for you can I get you anything and he just complains that no one’s over there to take care of him. Just why I went to the doctor and I said my hip and was met with blank silence he never even asked another single question not even about how it went and he claims he’s not being taken care of. Either way there’s something seriously wrong with him and he’s unable to hold on to normalcy for very long. It’s a strange life for me but somehow it’s even stranger for him

But

 Things have been calm and well for a couple weeks. Of course no responsibility or resolution has been taken by my husband to address his actions but I knew that would be the case and have chosen to let it be. One for peace in the house. And two as an acceptance of knowing he won’t and that’s not on me so I adjust my behavior only. Thanksgiving went well. He’s still talking to women and addicted to perverse porn but again I remain silent. The only action I have taken is in blocking some of the more disturbing porn from our WiFi. All of this came to a screeching aggressive halt last night though. I was home alone when he got home from work. I said hi and got the mumbled hi with the back turned in the tone that is a warning. He asked if I was cooking and I responded lightly and pleasantly and then cooked dinner for him while he went to his room. He came out a bit later complaining about his tv not working. Back to his room. Came out again this time close but not quite yelling about how sick of this shit he is and going on about his tv. I offered his dinner super pleasantly saying get it while it’s hot. He was in my room doing something with my tv,  He came out still ranting about the tv and took the plate to his room. I stayed quietly in the living room. He came out again and was saying his tv wouldn’t work. With the most sympathetic tone I said “I can see how frustrating that can be for you”. He responded that I don’t know shit, don’t know a fucking thing and just sit on my ass and he’s fucking sick of it. It went on fading as he went to get our sons tv from downstairs. He took that to his room. Then he came back out to get my tv and my firestick. I told him he shouldn’t take both - he could take my smart TV and have channels and I’d take my sons with the fire stick since it’s not a smart TV. I started to say “ or you could be a normal person and sit”...that’s as far as I got and he didn’t hear any of it anyways. I was going to finish “sit with me in the living room and watch tv” but at this point he launched into uncontrolled rage. He got vicious calling me a fng bitch, and lazy, and he’s sick of it, and how it’s his because he’s the motherfucker that pays for it all. I wasn’t responding but suddenly he came at me screaming fuck you, pointing at me and then thrust his face into mine so close he actually hit nose to nose. Not real hard but intimidating and frightening. I only said wow as I retreated quickly to the far end of the living room. I actually videoed this . I’m scared of his violence and a restraining order for my safety is something I see. He went back to his room and it calmed - temporarily. I went and knocked and asked nicely for my fire stick. He responded ok and I made the mistake of thinking the storm passed. I got the stick.  He said something insultingly about “glad you’re so perfect” but I left that without comment. The next few minutes are a bit hazy. I know I said something to my husband about him throwing away the last couple weeks for rage over a tv. He admitted being pissed and said I should have left him alone- but he’s the one that kept coming out of his room, My tenant called because his WiFi was down - because my husband kept shutting everything off. I told him my husband was having a meltdown. He texted if I needed to get away a moment I was always welcome. I was in my room texting him back thank you when my husband walked in. He asked who I was texting I told him and he said I was lying and probably texting a boyfriend. I showed him the text and he told me I should go fuck the guy (who has his wife and baby out there with him). I wasn’t recording him but he thought I was so he went on about how nobody gives a fuck and no judge gives a fuck that I’ll still get half of everything. I asked him about my sons tv at which point he got aggressive again coming after me screaming that I am a cunt. I told him I would call the police if he touched me again or threatened me. He came at me telling me go ahead thrusting his face at me and without speaking I rapidly retreated back to the living room. He followed calling me a cunt so I ran to my room and locked the door. By this time I was scared of him and upset. My daughter walked in having just got home. Part of me wishes I had been able to pretend nothing was happening for her sake but I was scared. I burst into tears and my daughter hugged me and asked what was wrong. I told her I had never been so scared of him. He came out from down the hall and started saying it was busllshit and I was faking. My daughter told him he was a psychopath and to just go away. He accused her and me of hating him for the way he treats me. Both of us tried to tell him it wasn’t about me - I’ve actually told her to try to be nicer to him and that how he treats me should be separate from her. Fact is he’s treated her the same way at times and that’s why she isn’t close with him. He also said he was sorry but she told him that didn’t mean anything because he would do it again. But he yelled over her as she said she was trying to talk to him. Then he switched completely and started crying saying he didn’t deserve all this and played victim and headed back to his room. I told her I was sorry she came home to this. At some point before I made it to her room he trapped me in the kitchen. Saying he was sorry. Trying to force me into looking at him. On his knees begging. Some of the dirty laundry came up which was my negative contribution as I told him it didn’t mean anything because he would abuse again, he would cheat again, how he’d stuck his dick in another woman. He said no he wouldn’t ever again. And he didn’t want to end how we’d been getting along so well. I told him he ended the whole marriage. It went on for a bit but my daughter came out and told him to let me go (he was holding me by the arms). She said we were both mad and talking wasn’t going to work and we should separate. I said she’s right.  I had asked my daughter earlier if I could watch tv in her room and went there. He said yeah then we could talk about him to each other. Not true and we went to her room and didn’t speak one word about him or the situation. He knocked and said sorry and I merely said it’s fine. Watched a movie. And still never spoke of him or the entire incident. For this part I was proud. Not proud she walked in on it but that I left her out of the rest and kept my mouth shut about it. Didn’t talk bad about him or about any of it. When the movie was over I said good night and went to bed. In the morning before leaving for work he came in my room. Said goodbye and kissed my cheek. I said “sorry have a good day”. He said “sorry about last night but you always involve the kids you’re vindictive and” well I didn’t hear the rest. I just pulled the covers up. I didn’t say anything either. I have a couple thoughts. One being if he hadn’t gone into a blackout rage in the first place there wouldn’t have been anything to walk in on. 2nd initially I didn’t tell her anything other than that I was scared and I didn’t involve her. He wasn’t sorry any more.And last every apology comes with a but.