Not Today

 Time passes and it’s interesting how many things pass with it. I have in fact seen my ex a handful of times. We get along fine. I dont feel anything other than after awhile some irritation at his personality haha. Weve seen each other at our son’s baseball gamea and even sat together. No big deal. Im not mad, sad or glad anymore. Just indifferent. Occasionally i have fleeting thoughts of how i thought life would play out when we married and have some disappointment in the life that didnt happen. Im selling my house and moving out of state and it will fade even more. That fade in itself is kind of sad. There was one volatile conversation withmy daughter of note. My son did something behind his girlfriend back..not physical cheating but online. My daughter said she couldn’t love him or support his baseball because of it and I pointed out she gave her dad all her support and love when he did far worse. She replied it was my fault for staying. Someday maybe she’ll work through that hypocrisy. Just not today.

Flying Monkeys

 If you know the term you know. Flying monkeys. It’s been 6 months since the divorce was final. Almost 3 months since the last time I had any contact with my ex. It’s much better on this side. But sometimes I see his control and tactics peep through. I continue to be a person I can respect in the face of it. The example:

It’s our middle son’s senior day at college. 6 hours away. And that means I’m there with our daughter and our son’s girlfriend. I really should take note that not only does my daughter text with her dad throughout every single day but visits him nightly at his house to smoke weed and visit. She is and has been his new supply. Anyways there we are in town for senior day. I get to my son’s place and we visit awhile. It comes up that their dad will be arriving with his parents and sister soon. There was trepidation shared by the kids over how my exes sister would act. That surprised me. Although I expected that enabling family to flock around my ex she did know he was cheating and had cheated multiple times. She even laughed with her brother (my ex) about him having a girlfriend. That was in maybe late 2021-I blocked her on all social media at that point. Regardless she was also cheated on by her ex. As per usual for me I overestimated her as a person and thought she’d stay out of our divorce at least when it comes to the kids and especially since she told her brother to divorce me back in 2021. I overheard her with him on the phone. Wrong. I’m good at wrong. So I was a little disconcerted by the kids implying they though my she would be..I don’t know..confrontational? Rude? Aggressive? with me about divorcing her brother if we were in each others presence. They just kept saying “they didn’t know about her if I was around”. The first thing this told me is that my ex and his sister shit talked me in front of an to the kids. Now the kids are young adults but sharing hatefulness about their mom lacks class.  Surprising in some ways but not others. In a side note my brother is 100 percent on my side and wanted me to be ruthless in my divorce but when we had lunch with my daughter not only did we not talk badly of my ex but we didn’t talk about him at all. That’s class. And emotionally intelligent-something my exes family clearly lacks. The second thing this told me is somewhere subconsciously they believed she would have this character flaw though they haven’t the maturity to examine that yet. Both my son and daughter states they could somewhat understand her attitude “because if someone broke their (siblings) heart they would have a problem with them too”. This struck me because even when I thought my ex and I were happy he was actually calling escorts and lying about his whereabouts. He was an angry person at me for years which left me crying until I stood up to it. All were aware he was a cheater as well. And I broke his heart? That’s nonsensical. Since my exes sister had told him to divorce me and get rid of me repeatedly in the past it’s safe to say what they were really mad about is that I filed for divorce effectively beating him to the punch. In their controlling outlook this put me in the power position which she especially didn’t like but also put him in the victim position. As a side note my oldest son did his baby mama wrong. I didn’t hate her for leaving him. I supported her and maintain a good relationship with her. My son was wrong. I’m still there for him but I don’t excuse, support or validate what he did. He needs to grow from that and I’m direct with him about it. That’s an indication of why my ex lacks integrity in the first place. Validating him and excusing him along with joining a smear campaign makes the mm the definition of flying monkeys. So step forward to them arriving at my sons place while I was there. I refused (in my mind not verbally) to be run off on my sons senior day weekend by his dads family-or his dad. Though it was implied this is what could or should happen. Oddly and unexpectedly it was actually my ex who was the least mannerly even though we’ve acheived civility and even had lunch together once since the divorce. He even picked me up from dropping a rental car. So that shows that he has an alternate act he puts on for his family. Pretty typical narcissist stuff. Being in his sisters presence turned out to not be strained after all. So maybe they all underestimated her. I’m sure it was really just a two faced persona in order to not make her look bad-it’s one thing to inappropriately denigrate their mom when I’m not present but a scene at my sons would have been on her looking bad not me. She’s not entirely stupid. So the visit and the senior day went fine. I felt somewhat awkward but it was tolerable. Then came dinner. There was a plan for senior dinner. In my mind and heart it was just my sons dinner and I would go and his dad and family would go. Not them taking him or me. The initial worry was split time but since the day went fine and this was about our son not our differences we all went. But my daughter had talked to me about how she’d talked to her grandpa and he’d said as long as he didn’t have to pay for my dinner I “could go”. No one suggested that as long as they paid for theirs they “could go”. This was a power move by my ex and his family. As if I gave a shit. I rode with my son and his girlfriend which changed the dynamic and positioned my more equally. The funnest part was being the better person. And acting with class. So when I told the waiter I needed a separate check I also ordered chips and spinach dip on my tab for the table. I also ordered a smaller steak and replaced the difference with chips and salsa for the table. Which they ate. If the can’t be gracious I can show them what grace is. And the dinner also went fine. And again oddly the sister acknowledged me more than anyone else. And at one point I aligned my opinion with my ex about mys sons strikeout count at the baseball game. Again superseding them with graciousness. I was quite glad to think that it may be years maybe ever before I ever have to see any of them again including  the ex. The only correlated thing that happened is I did state to my daughter that I had feelings about them being considered “more important” in determining taking our son out for his senior night. If he ever married he’s not having two rehearsal dinners and they don’t have priority. My daughter stated “well there is more of them here and they don’t see him (our son) as often” then she stated she didn’t want to hear it or talk about it. It was a rude and abrupt shut down. So she is in fact capable of shutting shit down so why only me? It’s subtle in the tone and style but a clear line that she is still leaning sides. That neutral is t her zone. That if I have feelings not only am I not allowed to ever share them but I am wrong for having them. I’ll not make the mistake again of thinking I can trust her with openness and that means I can’t trust her generally with my life, thoughts or plans. And that’s sad. I mentioned that she made a point of siding with her dad and being distraught that I filed. The caveat to that is she states numerous times I should divorce him. She presented firmly that I should and she supported it. But when I did it was an about face. I encourage her future and her independence even when I like having her around. If she’s with her dad and or his family I don’t text her. But when she’s with me he dad texts her-all day. 10-15 or more times per day. It’s obsessive and weird to me. She’s not a child she’s 19. In some ways I hope she never understands this method of narcissist supply. But I also fear for her relationship future if she doesn’t know it. A conundrum. All I know for sure right now is I am held to a higher standard than any of the other family. That’s typical for moms but that doesn’t make it easier. And having to suppress who I am as a human for meme doesn’t build a trust relationship. It makes it shallow. I find shallow relationships challenging. Looks like my life has to be a challenge nonetheless.

The D Word

 It’s not just a word anymore. It’s been a while. I’ve been taking notes but not really blogging those notes. I filed for divorce in March did the filing and initial paperwork myself. Saved a bit of money spent that year planning and setting myself up documenting assets interviewing lawyers, I had him served along with a restraining order Getting him out of the house and me away from abuse. Got a puppy at the same time best retail therapy ever. No one was happy about me filing the restraining order. The kids didn’t even seem to understand why, even though they witnessed all the screaming, and the chasing in the cops and everything. Although I regret it now at the time the kids asked me to lift that restraining order so that he could reside in a camper on the property. I always seem to be the one stuck doing the right thing we’re not really even the right thing, but the good thing and still not getting any understanding for that. In the end, I suppose it worked out OK, but it didn’t really completely save me from abuse. There were incidents of him barging in the house, taking things saying he could come in whenever he wanted, even though that wasn’t the agreement. Of course, that allowed him to play the victim. Even though he’s literally proved he’s dangerous-not just with threats but actions. Trying to drive us off a bridge exemplifies him as a threat to my life. Anyways the tough part was not finally filing but watching my daughter rally for him. Not speaking to me. Giving him all her support taking him to lawyer meetings like he’s not a whole ass adult who should be doing that himself. There was an incident where he wanted to take our spare truck that was at a shop for repair. A shop I paid to have it towed to. He wanted it and I said no-we each had access to one car which was fair. But not acceptable to him or my daughter as it turns out. She lied to me and helped him to get the truck. I caught wind of it and went to the shop. It wasn’t even the truck I think at this point. He was using our daughter to hurt me-and it was working. And it was working because she was contributing to it. The same girl who had been subjected and witnessed his verbal abuse. And was suddenly his biggest supporter. The one I was in fact close to and now had zero support for me. It ate my soul. But I let it and that part is on me. I remember at one point she said that it was kinda my fault she wasn’t close to her dad because of me and how she knew more than a kid should. She also said I should t have told her “stuff”. Interesting part is the first time I really found out for sure he was hunting women on a dating app SHE was the one that told me. She’d seen the app and his text bubbles and told me about it. I later created a fake profile and verified he was doing exactly that by stringing him along. But I wouldn’t have known-at least at that time-if she hadn’t come to me. Anyways she continued to pretty much ghost me barely coming home-in part because I didn’t tell her prior the day I was having him served. At least that’s the claim. But I weighed heavy in my head whether I should. I decided I didn’t want to have to ask her to hide or lie about that information to her own dad. No kid should be I. That position between parents so I did my business. But I also believe a large part was her finally being needed by him. An attention she’s never received from him before. Alone for a solid 5 days I was drinking my sorrows. I’d never expected my daughter to turn on me. I trusted her and she broke that trust and that hurt far more than the divorce. After feeling abandoned she came home unexpectedly. I ended up screaming at her and yelling that maybe a gun would take care of everyone’s issues with me. She left for a few more days. I took accountability without excuse for that behavior. I apologized multiple times but even though I’d laid 18 years of relationship foundation down and believed in its strength I was wrong. That was a year ago now. We are on better footing but I see moments where I still see her break my trust. Im still learning this new way of being careful with giving her my full self so it doesn’t bite me in the ass. In July she went with her dad and her oldest brother and his girlfriend to my exes family reunion. They spent 20 minutes absolutely trash talking and insulting me while validating and excusing Jeff’s nasty behavior of years. How do I know? He secretly recorded them. All of it. And shared it with me. And I’m the toxic one?! Never had any conversation with or in front of them about him or the divorce. In fact if someone did I would actually shut that conversation down. Jeff encouraged and fed it. They all did. I’ll always carry that disappointment in them with me. I also learned it’s not something that’s stopped. Maybe not frequent but a reminder that my oldest and youngest in no way have my back. I don’t expect them to take my side but I did expect them to take neither. But their dad can talk nasty with their acceptance. I can’t even feel without their judgement. Hearing that smear campaign and them participating enthusiastically was a heartbreaker. That was 9 months ago and I have never had a smear conversation about Jeff. In fact when I was with my brother we did not discuss Jeff or my divorce. My brother 100% has supported me. Told me to take him to the cleaners for the way he treated me. But we would never have that talk in front of or with my kids-and Rio was there. Doing the right thing is sometimes exhausting and disappointing but I still refuse to become as classless as Jeff. And his family as it turns out. No wonder him and his siblings are dysfunctional enabled and hateful. I plan to eventually podcast or YouTube this blog. With that in mind the actual divorce will be a beast of its own in a post but for now suffice to say I got all I wanted materially in the divorce. I also broke free of abuse. I won disappointment in those I trusted. And came to greater understanding of keeping to myself. The D word is no longer something to be thrown about by my ex. It’s now a lifestyle

Thanskgiving Not

 11/30/22

Just another day. A trip to Home Depot. Every small event compiles into a large event. We shopped and this time he didn’t get angry about anything. The sucker play for me thinking it was a step forward. We bought some paneling and were trying to load it in the back of the pickup. Lost our grip and the piece started to slide catching my toe. I jumped as I felt it start to slice on my toe and oof for his reaction. “What the fuck-you almost let that hit that car! Better to slice off your toe than hit some persons car”. Wow. His thought process slips out so often. 

Later that night it translated into him calling me a lazy bitch because I wasn’t cooking dinner. He kept calling me a bitch and after 4 times I finally said “just stop already”. He punched a fist into his other hand and said “one of these days pow pow pow”. I believe him. A direct threat. I didn’t respond just sort of sank into myself and my chair. But I took note. Short time.

The last straw

 2/17/23

Flashback to July 6 2021:Today he came up with a story that can only be projection…claiming I made a TikTok about “missing someone” & “ missing texting” someone today- all of which is false  1) I haven’t made a TikTok in three days 2) I’m not missing anyone 3) not texting anyone. He harassed me all day sending 25 rude texts with false accusations insults and attacks (30 texts altogether). I replied blandly to some with no defense or offense and some simple non inflammatory emojis. I responded with a few one sentence texts and 2 emojis ignoring the rest of the craziness. When I got home I said hi to him in the living room and went straight to my room locking the door-I knew abuse was coming in person after an entire day of abusive texts. He yelled “open the fucking door”and then broke the door in breaking the entire frame . I told him to please leave my room. He said he had every right to be in the room whether I wanted him to be or not. Again I Asked him to leave. He didn’t so I retreated to the bathroom but before I could shut door he forced his way in slamming my arm with the door and  jamming his foot and hand in the door jamb to keep it open. I slid past him quickly and went out to kitchen he followed calling me a bitch and telling me I’d “better talk to him”. I went back to my bedroom and tried to shut door before he got there (this was run and chase by this time)and he put his arm and foot in as I closed it. I ran past him and went to spare bath.l and locked that door successfully. All this time I had repeatedly said “please leave me alone”. He said “fine you don’t want to talk to me we’ll play this game. I’m calling the cops and you’re going to jail”. He really thought I was going to jail for not talking to him? And it was all on video?! Him chasing me and breaking doors?! He underestimated the cops too-they saw the broken door. They wanted to take him to jail. Sadly our kids had showed up by this time and begged me not to say the word that would get him taken to jail -intimidated. For them I didn’t. I also regret it because to this day I get the impression they blame me. As if I called the cops. He tried to use the law to punish me and it backfired on him. With the cops anyways. Seems he got a show for the kids. He also pulled the last straw. And the day I truly started planning.

Dinner Times Zero

 

Fun Menu of the week Feb 2023

Mon I made burgers

Tues I made chicken pot pie 

Wed-he made salmon 

Thurs I made bbq pork

Fri I made pot roast

Sat- he asks “you cooking?”

          Me: “No”

Him: “You never fucking cook. I cook just as much as you”

Next week: I cooked zero

Just an abuse blog

 

8/20/22 He was in his room  I was sitting in the living room. He came into the room and started yelling about 2 transfers from our saving to checking one for 700 and one for 1000. He was screaming about how it said  transfer but he didn’t see it in our checking. I told him if it showed a transfer then it transferred. He screamed at me “I want to know what the fuck happened to that money cuz it’s not showing transferred in my app”. I said “well it is if it’s showing as a transfer”. He yelled “ no it fucking didn’t cuz it’s not showing on there and I want to know what the fuck you did with it”. I said “ I can’t hack the bank and make it say it transferred when it didn’t. Did you go to the date? I bet I find it in 10 seconds” I did find it immediately and then put the phone in front of his face about 12” away and said “see. It’s right there”. He again said that it wasn’t on his app. I stood to the front of him to his left and he scrolled the app and then I saw it and said “there it is. I can’t help it if you can’t figure it out and then  scream at me over something you made up”. He said “yeah I see it” and shoved his phone at my face hitting me in the bridge of my  nose and lower forehead with it. I covered my face, said nothing more and backed quickly into my room and locked the door.

November 10th 2022

Jeff had left -apparently to go to an atm. He called and started screaming at me on the phone “I’m done with this fucking bullshit of not having fucking money. Youre a lazy piece of shit ass and do something” He called again twice but I did not answer. Shortly after 7am he arrived back home and upon entering knocked on my bedroom door. I refused to open it he started screaming and getting more agitated and banging on it telling me to “open the fucking door” “open it or I’ll break it you bitch” I got up & held dthe door closed but he forced the door open-the previously broken frame from him doesn’t hold tight . He immediately began yelling about not having enough money. He called me a lazy bitch.  Told me “you’re a lazy piece of shit”  “you’re such a fucking cunt”. He then said “you’re such a piece of shit I’d pay someone to get rid of you” Ithen went to my bathroom and locked that door. I could hear him yelling “fuck you you bitch” through the door. He left for work a few minutes later. Peace. Well quiet anyways-even gone his presence doesn’t really leave peace.

Not May Flowers

 I was sitting in the living room when he came into the room and stood over me in the chair and started yelling and aggressively waving his hands at me and told me to give him his old phone - which I did not have. When I told him I didn’t have it he forcibly grabbed my phone from my hands. I asked for it back repeatedly and he grew more angry yelling at me about having his old phone (not an active phone)I reached for my phone that was in his hand once and he grabbed my arm and pushed me away. I told him to give me my phone and that he was scaring me and I was going to call 911. He said “no I’m not giving you my phone until you give me my j7.”I asked twice more and he still refused. I said I would use a different phone to call 911 and went to my room locked the door to look for an old phone I could wifi call on. Cutter got somewhat involved thinking I took Jeff’s phone but I think there was confusion as Jeff was referring to an old phone he no longer used-and in fact it was MY phone originally that he borrowed when his broke. When I came out I did point out and give him the j7 that was in the drawer of the end table. But ultimately though he said the j7 phone that wasn’t even the one he was looking for-turned out the phone he was looking for was IN HIS ROOM! On HIS gun cabinet!  6 minutes later he threw my phone onto the living room chair and went to his room

May 31

Stayed in my locked room when he got home to avoid abuse as it’s just been a daily thing . He knocked and I asked what he wanted. He didn’t reply at first and repeatedly knocked louder and more forcefully then yelled why wouldn’t I open door and why was it locked and that he would break it as he’s “done with this locked door bullshit”. I then opened the door fearing he would break it down as he has multiple times. He again asked why was my door locked and I asked if that’s all he wanted. He then screamed at me “fuck you. Fuck you bitch. Unselfaware cunt. You want to be miserable go ahead” I replied that’s why my door was locked and shut my door again. He forced  it open  a few minutes later and screamed at me again from the doorway and I got up and shut the door in his face quickly and locked door again. He at least walked off while screaming “you’re sick a fucking bitch”. Fading into the distance like my reactions have. His toxic is a one way street I don’t go down.

7/17/22

Comes home and is at the microwave. I didn’t greet him properly with a kiss he say so he adds “you have TIktok friends go fuck them cuz you're about a cold bitch.

If you’re not gonna fuck me I don’t want fucking nuthin from you”

I said “well you lied” he says “yeah I did but youre a cold bitch that can go without sex for 2 months but I’m not”. I think they call this coercion. Even if I’m not falling for it.

8/12/22

We were broke down in wichita and were talking about renting a car to return home. I told him you are NOT smoking in the rental between here and hays js tho! (Last time we were charged 500 cuz he refused to not smoke). He immediately yelled that I was a “fucking bitch” “a bitch all the time” then when we went outside cutters house called me a “fucking cunt” “can’t wait to get rid of you” “gonna get rid of the cunt”. I finally had enough and said “fuck you” after an entire road trip and day of abuse and he turns to rio and cutter and says “see? She’s a bitch”. Worse they bought it and treated me like I was a pariah. It’s very hard to watch your kids perception be manipulated. Worse I shouldn’t have said fuck you to him but they were aware he’d been screaming at me all day. From “fuck you” to “you’re a bitch” “ this is all your fault” He even threw a helmet at me hitting my side while yelling at me. All because cutters truck broke down. Not sure they’ll ever understand how manipulatively he abuses me all day so when I finally have enough and stand up for myself he can point fingers and act like it was all me. Maybe someday when they’re old. By then I’ll be gone.

Spring forward

 

April 4 2022

His car broke down and my daughter and I picked him up while the tow truck took the car. Then we get home and as we walk in the door he yells at me  “I hate my fucking life. There’s nothing good about my life. One day I’m just gonna poof. I wanna disappear and all you fuckers can deal with this shit” well that went on for about 6 minutes  but I stayed neutral and did not respond. He goes outside to look at the car and 40 minutes Later he comes in from working on my car and says something about steering pump being messed up then tells me “you can get someone else to work on it I’m sure you've got plenty of men lined up that you're always smiling at on your phone and whoever you’re texting can fix the motherfucker”.  I didn’t respond and just said I didn’t catch the first part he said about pump. He started screaming at me to fucking listen and that I was stupid then proceeded to go back to more insults “you’re a bitch” “someone else can fix it” “one of your fucking men can” etc. and I was calm and in a bland even tone responded “I understand you’re frustrated but how is trying to start a fight with me helping you?”. That Didn’t work so he kept insulting me and yelling aggressively then came towards me so I left the room and locked my door.  10 minutes later he knocks and asks why I got 100 cash out of our joint account this week. He got $340 and this week plus spent 530 of his check on payday. I said you spent over 500 on pay day and he says “thats my fucking paycheck not yours”. “Um I got paid too” I reminded him. Anyways he gets out 300-400 a wk and I can’t get 100 in 3 mos? So he screams  “I’m just going to start taking my whole paycheck out of our account and you can figure out how to pay the bills “and leave nothing for food or gas for me and the kids. He also said I can’t fix my car with “his” money to go to my work. And he’s getting verbally abusive daily. Has called me a bitch several times in a couple days and a lazy piece of shit because I didn’t have dinner ready and when he was out of money because he spent 800 in a week. And he always has weed.

June 8, 2022 He comes home and starts screaming at me thru my bedroom door about a credit card statement-not even a hello first. I tell him I put the Bellco stmt with his stuff under the coffee pot. He screams that that’s  not it that there’s another one and keeps yelling that I had better get that fucking statement. I repeatedly tell him there was no other and I don’t know what he’s talking about. He yells again id better get it right effin now and calls me a bitch and a cunt. I come out because he’s sounding violent and I dig out garbage mail from the trash. Nothing there. Then he looks in his stuff -under the coffee pot-and says there that’s the one- and I said see that IS Bellco. He continued to rage about it saying he was going to cancel it because I was using it. Side note I haven’t used it. He maxed it out til no credit was left. The we paid it down a bit. Then my daughter used it a few times. I then locked myself in my room. A too frequent need nowadays.

July 12, 2022

We were in the car. Our registration is expired and he said to me “the reason we don’t have current registration is because you’re a lazy fucking piece of shit that’s too fucking lazy to go get it”

Pre spring

 1/24/22. Even though I didn’t say divorce I did say I have boundaries. He jumped to divorce and his response was to say if we divorced he wouldn’t pay bills, pay the mortgage and would leave us in financial ruin. Red flag threats. 2/23/22 S

So I had my first day ever substituting for 1st grade. Telling him our teen said her friends little brother told her he had a sub. She said that was probably my mom. The little boy said miss Jenny?! And when my teen said yes he told her I was the nicest sub ever! 

His response :

“So you go by miss and not Mrs at school?”

Wtf. 

2/24/22 him “I’m going to change. Just want to be nice to you. I want us to be nice to each other. “

Noon Two days later:

If you don’t have seggs with me right now then I know you’re looking for a better man to cheat with. Who are you getting it from then? . You want an open marriage then? I hate these conversations 9/10 I don’t engage any more but I don’t even have to say anything to get this commentary aimed at me like bullets.

What Hug?

 

See him hug a lady in store Jan 2, 2022

When I come back down aisle 10 sec later lady is gone

I ask who was that?

Him; um I can’t remember her name

Me: so you hugged someone that you don’t even know the name of? 

Him: she’s from the baseball team!

Me: whose parent? I don’t know her and I’m at every game

Him:

I can’t remember the kid. I just know her name is Connie

What baseball team?

Him: Jesus Christ I don’t know which team. From Byers.

Me:I don’t  know a Connie. And we never played in Byers. 

Him well she’s a friend of shayna. 

How do you know a friend of shaynas? And I thought you didn’t know her name but now it’s Connie?

Him Connie Cathy something like that. I haven’t seen her in years

So u don’t know her name or who she is but her names Connie from Byers and she’s a friend of shayna?

Him: well I don’t know if she’s shaynas friend but she’s always hanging around with her at king supers

So u don’t know her but hugged her?

I didn’t hug her she hugged me. Jesus here we go again. 

Me: That is deflecting and not answering appropriately because you do not have the communication skills to do so.

I’m   just saying I would know who someone was that I was hugging. And you would ask if I hugged some Man you didn’t know.

Him well I’m not like you I’m always hugging people and the moms always are that way with me so I hug them

So you were hugging her?

Him Jesus Christ your a psycho I don’t see why you’re getting so mad about it

I’m not mad at all just curious. And keeping track as you rewrite the rules so I know what they are. And what our relationship is. 

Him: And I’m doing everything to makes it work I deleted the dating apps and I’m not cheating

Me: That was a couple days ago(chuckling) when you said that months ago.

Him: I said I’d delete the apps not close my accts

Me: And you had tagged less than a week ago

These conversations are becoming a bit like watching a bug under a microscope. Also forgot to mention that not only did he text a gal the week of 12/15 but he went by her mom’s house twice looking for her. I saw the messages. She’s quite the ugly girl and lives with her mom..must be quite the catch. January 16 2022 I

In his room after having sex. We talk and hit on some touchy subjects but I tell him I’m really liking the chill convo as it actually was a good convo. I don’t know where we are going but this is good. Seemed like connecting. Then he tells me that it seems like I’m saying we won’t have sex for months - when we just got done having sex for christs sake and that I’m looking for other guys - when I said the opposite. Then he said “well you can leave now.  cuz you’re bumming me out”. Dick. I thought we were getting somewhere- stoooopid. 

2 days later. Our Daughter was going to griz rose. Told her next time I would go with her as she has a car full this one. He asks me  4 times so you going with? 4x I answer not this time maybe next time. The fourth time I finally asked why he asked the same question 4x. He said so “I guess I can go to the bar alone then?” Wtf?! Me: “ i wouldn’t be going alone I’d be going with my daughter and her friends. But if you wanna fucking go to a bar alone fkn go - don’t base what you do on what you think im doing” fkn ridiculous bs-

How about that sounds fun - girls night with your daughter?! Oh no that would be normal. As if I’d have a prob if he was going somewhere on a Sunday night with our son.

When I got home from an errand we had a back n forth about me going to my room- he’s been in his room the entire afternoon! Then he said I didn’t kiss him good night - it’s not even 7pm I answered I’m not going to bed I’m going to my room. He didn’t kiss me goodnight when he went to his room at like 3pm and I didn’t get all bent about it. He reaches for reasons to be mad so he can validate his cheating.

Smh. Then I stated that I I wasn’t happy about his comment about me going with my girl and that it was inappropriate. He said I was going to look for dates. I said I am the one that has a history of actually going where I say and he is the one who lies and goes on dates. He replied that the girls wouldn’t say if I did something. I told him he was unable to communicate about what he said in a mature manner so I would leave it - he responded “ go back on your fkn phone” . Yep immature

Seriously? Same night. I get up brush my teeth and turn off my light. It’s 1030. A couple min later he knocks and says don’t you want a kiss good night? Whatever. Peacekeeping I get up open door and give him a kiss and he says “it’s not like your light wasn’t just on”. Wtf? I’ve no idea how he took me turning off my light personally when I didn’t know he was coming to my closed door and I had already got in bed? I was silent a few seconds as he walked away then I was like wtf is wrong with you and closed my door

Pre Christmas Cheer

 He got off work early today because of wind. First thing he did was text the girl whose number he doesn’t have and whose house he didn’t go by and who he won’t see again. Yup. Trying to get ahold of her to meet up since o would have no way of knowing what time he left work. This was December 15th. Typical holiday season for him. 12/16/21 He says he “wants to be honest” so tells me yes- he likes girls/babes posts on ig. I’m like - I don’t care do whatever. He’s like “but I want you to care I just want to be honest”. I told him that literally makes no sense - so you want me to care but you’ll do it anyways?! Yeah no . I don’t care. 12/30/21 he bought coke. Tried to share with me but if we had sex after he would just att k me about needing it to do him so I refused. He had the sniffles for weeks and keeps moving his drug paraphernalia  around so pretty obvious he has a new bad habit.

Gall

 He wrecked his truck.  Got 5k for the truck and 2k from his bike in the back.  Then borrows 1k from his parents. So wrecks it and feels entitled to upgrade and get a newer year. Asks my opinion on buying same year. I said why you’ll just disagree. He says he wants my input. I say well you have more than what we paid when we bought it. And you’ll borrow money from your parents to upgrade a truck (the old one was financed by both of us but we won’t go there) but won’t borrow money to replace our daughters  window that’s been broke open for 3 years? He has the audacity to say why don’t I borrow from my family?! Yeah- my fam pays 20k A YEAR for our kids college his parents have paid 2k on one kid so that’s some fkn gall

Time after Time

 Moving on starting with 11/23/21. He’s been saying some super mean stuff..calling me a lazy bitch because I was on unemployment due to covid. Says I don’t do anything even though Ive used the time on home improvements. Screams at me for paying bills. Says he gonna divorce me. Back to watching hours of porn-and he’s watching teen porn which grosses me out because out daughter is a teen. He’s also back on Tagged dating site hunting women..I even saw a few messages he sent to women. Then wants sex. And when I try to muster interest but can’t screams at me more calling me a cold evil bitch and saying he’s gonna leave. Just another unkept promise. Then there was the Amber alert conversation. It went off 4 times and I mentioned that was enough loud alerts. And he answered “yeah I’m sick of those alerts about that bitch”. I said “WHAT?! She’s not a bitch..it’s just a lot”. He says yeah but it’s some 13 year old with a 41 year old and she knows him” I’m like “ that’s not on her if she’s only 13” and he replied “she’s 13 she knows what the fuck she’s doing” me: “WHAT THE FUCK! Maybe she was groomed but she was only 13”.  This tells me all I need to know. December 1st I noted that I had caught him messaging someone  on Facebook. He lied about it. Then Saturday morning decided to come clean and says he wants to be honest. He really doesn’t know the correct order of honesty. I do

Time Marches On

 Time has passed. So much happened and I didn’t have the gumption to put it all here. I took notes in my phone though. Let’s see. On 1/16/2021 my husband lost some weed. Nothing to do with me-seems he dropped while getting in the car or something. When I said I didn’t know where it was he called me stupid and made retard noises. Like the child he is.July 16 he bought flowers. Over time hes used this as an “I’m going to change” manipulation tactic. But I still simply thanked him and told him they were lovely. However when we watched a movie that evening and I failed to pay the unknown unstated price of touching him he berated me for not being grateful for the flowers. Somehow I was also called out by my son for making tiktoks about abuses by my husband…while apparently the abuses themselves are not a problem. Made the mistake of initiating sex-again. July 2021 hard to believe we’re still having sexual relations after all that’s happened. He got angry about a dildo I’d bought. Then invited it into bed. Then got jealous of it. Then got angry I had one at which point I literally called him out for the constant masturbating to porn he does that makes it so real sex doesn’t work for him. That ended that. A few days later he said if I ever lock my bedroom door he’s divorcing me and I’ll get nothing. A laughable threat really. In September 2021 I found him on Facebook dating yet again…with a substantial number of matches. He’s unable to figure himself out but I have. In October he was indulging himself in zoo porn. The fix gets ever more disgusting. He picks fights persistently. I was looking up parking for my job downtown and he starts belittling me for smiling at my phone and when I state I’m not he calls me a bitch. Old record. Projection actually. I stayed at out daughters volley ball to watch varsity and he starts in with rude texts about “where are you volleyball never goes until 9”. Which in fact it usually does. Again suspicion based on projection. Shall we keep going? Might as well. October 20th I think we are staying at a hotel. At dinner with the boys when the subject of home values come up and I mention that makes our value high. So he responds with “see we can get a divorce then”. Our younger son whose 21 says “you guys I forgot how you are”. I’m like I didn’t say anything! I didn’t even respond. Jeff then says “ I was joking” as if that isn’t typical narcissism. On the side I even said that to him making sure out of earshot of our sons. A few hours later of course he wanted sex. I said no. He asked why. Shake my head. I told him because the dinner comment made me not in the mood. He asked what comment. Of course. I explained that the divorce comment crossed my boundaries and was inappropriate and uncomfortable for not just me but our sons. Also of course instead of addressing he deflected by saying I say stuff like that. I said no I do not. I do not just randomly make divorce comments while we are having dinner with our kids. His next go to was to say I haven’t wanted sex with him for two weeks anyways. I told him in the last two weeks he’s called me a bitch and thrown it the word divorce 3 times and that that has nothing to do with the comment made at dinner. I also said deflecting and projecting will no longer work on me. All in a bland tone. He called me a bitch and that ended that. Standard issue.The next morning my sons texted me about breakfast and he immediately berated me for “wasting time on your phone”. When I responded that I let our sons know we’d meet them and remixed them they needed masks for the buffet and “ yeah I’m such an awful person” he called me anfucking bitch. I wanted to laugh but I gray rocked it instead. His behavior is absurd. I feel like I need a new post to finish 2021

Not so Happy Holidays

This will be a mini chapter post. Just how wrong things are on a daily basis. Emphasized by the season.

Right around thanksgiving...well I already went over the texts he sent and his stopping by the Juicy Duchesses place - or where she lives with her Mom anyways. Yuck. Anyways there was and Amber alert for a 13 year old girl. It went off 4x And I said "well thats enough alerts". He responded 'yeah Im sick of those ambers about that bitch". I said 'what?! Shes not a bitch thats just a lot of alerts." He says "yeah but it's some 41 year old she knows that she's with". Ugh. I answered thats not on her-shes just a kid! to which he replied "she's 13 she knows what she's doing". WHAT?! "maybe she was groomed but she's 13 thats still a kid and victim. But it shows me more of what is wrong with him.

The weekend after Thanksgiving we were in the store and he asked if we need tv dinners. I said i didn't know but thought we had some. He said our son ate them and I say "oh okay". And he replied "I don't think I ever make you happy". Like wtf? Made no sense.

Next day he sneezes. I say bless you. He then berates me for not saying bless you "yeah thanks for the bless you like you ever say it to me". I did say it - he is very hard of hearing. I mostly do but really - no one else would act like that over someone not saying it. Just more attempts to attack.

Couple days later I was gone a bit while he was home. Didn't take much to realize he snooped my room. When I asked about it it..mildly...he said he went in to get tooth picks but the toothpaste and other items were still on top of the floss toothpicks so he lied. For what I don't know.

This one I stood up for myself. So he had wrecked his truck and got 5k for the old thing and another 2k for a bike that was in the back and not really damaged. Then he borrowed another 1k from his family. Then while I tried to stay out of it he insisted on my input. I said no a few times but he wouldnt let it go.I finally said well you have almost as much now as we bought it for and then borrow to upgrade rather than replace. I didn't mention that the truck was financed in my name too and I was working. I won't even go there. And I told him he would borrow money from his parents to upgrade himself but hasn't borrowed money to replace my daughters broken window thats been that way for at least 3 years. (Which he doesn't even seal - I do. Its Colorado. Her room freezes.) Then he has the audacity to say why don't I borrow money from MY family?! Yeah - my family that pays 20K a YEAR for college? While his parents have paid 2k and only on one kid?!Yeah fuck ALL the way off.

December 15 he got off work early due to wind. First thing he did was text the Duchess (her online stupid name). Yuck.

December 16 he tells me he 'wants to be honest' so tells me he likes some girls and babes (yuck again) on Instagram. I'm like "I don't care do whatever". He says "but I want you to care! I just want to be honest". I told him that doesn't make any sense - so you want me to care but you'll do it anyways? Yeah no. I don't care". Inside voice says stau the fkk away from me.

Tuesday before xmas out shopping -reluctantly with him on my part. I went into ulta and sprayed some perfume on me while in there while he waited in the car. When I got in he said I smelled good and in a semi generous response I leaned to him and exposed my neck for him to smell. Then I pulled back to start the car. And he got all pissy and said "you sure shine me off well". I didn't respond -trying to avoid inevitable verbal abuse. No luck. He started in on how "he gets it and won't be working on it" and blah blah. After several minutes I was like - way to work on it? For what -two weeks maybe?Any idea of the damage you did texting that girl?He says thats a month ago. I'm not bothering with saying I know he did again a week ago. he also harrassed me in Wendys drive thru for being on my phone for 30 seconds when I drove all day so obviously wasn't on my phone. He was on his. Hypocrite.

Omg. Then the trash. Been sitting in the kitchen over a week. I asked my son to take it out and he got rude about me asking my son. Apparently I'm supposed to ask him because he can't see what he steps around every day. And our son doesn't live here.

Christmas eve our other son needed his room So my husband slept in mine. Or was going to. In a misplaced moment of generosity I initiated sex. It was...nothing. And neither of us completed. I finally said lets take a break. After a few minutes he started touching me. And he wouldn't stop. Like over 30 minutes. I kept still. I finally set his hand aside - It was 1am and the pounding had hurt. I needed rest. A few minutes later he started putting on his underwear so then I started putting mine on. And that's when he attacked. Told me that was fkn bullshit. That I didn't enjoy it. That that's the last time he's ever sleeping with me. Not that I care about the threats. But the screaming and berating. He left and came back twice to yell at me some more. I didn't actually respond to any of it other than shaking my head to myself. Reasoning with insanity can't be done.

The worst part. After he does these things he seems to think I should want a kiss. Or to spend time together. REally.

Leopard Spots

 He is sinking quickly and easily. But I’m not. He’s shown me who he is and I can’t unsee it and for some reason that makes him less capable of hiding it. My instincts are true and I know what I know. Last weekend I saw that he visited Tagged a dating site and checked his messages. The first night I said nothing. The next night he started pressuring me about sex. Did I forget to mention he has herpes? Anyways just continuing to deny him was getting risky and he was getting angry. I told him I wanted to want sex. But I had a question.So I decided to handle it but in a new me way not an old me way. So I didn’t accuse - I asked him if he’d been in any sites he shouldn’t be. His first answer was “not really”. I asked what not really meant and if he was sure. I could tell he knew that I knew. So he said well yes that he’d been on tagged. I quietly too a breath then thanked him for being honest and that I appreciated him being honest. He then proceeded to gaslight me by blaming me for him being on the website because he “was looking to see if I was on. Then he asked the same - if I was on dating sites. I have never been on a dating site that 1) I didnt find via him being on it 2) that I wasn’t on to catfish him or 3) ever chatted with someone in. Whereas he has had sex with women off sites. Anyways I replied no I’m not. That’s not my thing. Did he thank me? Accept my answer? Fuck no. He said “ I think you are. I think you lie. I think you have options and are texting guys. If you went out and got drunk I think you’d go fuck the first guy you met”. I explained how insulting and hypocritical that is and we talked in circles for a good 7 minutes. When I said I had enough and went to my room he said “you need help”. Ha! For what? I wasn’t even angry. I looked at him and told him that gaslighting and diverting no longer works on me and that me reacting to him crossing my boundaries is his issue not mine. That was pretty much it. In some ways relieving as it validated not having him touch me. He still thinks I’m the sucker he can fool and lie to - complete lack of realization. Then a couple days ago I find out that the Saturday before thanksgiving he texted one of the women he said he wouldn’t - in fact he said he didn’t have her number. Liar. He texted her 3 separate times over 2 days trying to get ahold of her. And in the text I see that he also stopped by her moms house - where the 40 yr old loser lives- twice! I asked him about this also. Of course at first he lied. Then he admitted it and said it was an impulsive mistake. Um 3 texts over two days AND you went by her house?! Not impulsive but persistent. I didn’t say this. I calmly said I am just tired of the lies. I don’t care. It is what it is. I can’t choose who you want to be. I can only choose me. And I walked away. The next night he wanted a kiss and hug when he got home from work. What?! I said no. Do you really believe you can do what you want and I’m not going to set my consequences on it? For me? He said “ I don’t do whatever I want”. Ha . I didn’t answer that one except in my head which is if he’s not doing what he wants then what he wants must really be disgusting. As I told him he hasn’t changed one bit. He just thinks he’s lying better. He’s not. Leopards do not change their spots. 

As a little addendum today in the car he said “if he could just get our son to text him back”. I said he’s probably in baseball practice right now. And he said “ well I know I wasn’t saying I expected him to call me right this minute”. And his inflection was defensively rude as if I’d insulted him. I chuckled lightly and said I was amazed how he could take a mild statement and treat it like I’d made a grave insult. He said what “I didn’t hear you”. And I said nothing - then he replied about how I was making something out of nothing and started tagging on me about being mad. Ho hum. I smiled and lightly said what - I’m not even close to mad - but I thought you didn’t hear me? That ended that.

Creepers

 Today is thanksgiving Thursday. It’s tougher this time of year. He’s been back to teen porn- when we have a teen daughter. This offends me. The reasons are obvious to anyone but him. Tuesday we were in the living room. A mutual friend messaged me about visiting so we could see their baby. I was messaging back when he walked over and made a point of looking at my phone and saying “huh” in that tone. I showed him my phone and informed him of what I was doing. Then he said “I’m not mad about it no reason for you to get excited”. I replied that I was not excited and to not turn around what he instigated and say I was the issue. And that he’s gaslighting and that no longer works. Then I walked away. But it’s these constant accusatory digs - from the cheater. It’s exhausting. Last night we were alone together and it was…okay. I felt loneliness creep on me. He was ‘courting’ me..for sex really. And part of me wanted to want him. But he’s been on porn a lot- and the teen stuff. And I also know he was on a dating app called tagged yet again. Checking his messages. I couldn’t muster up to the idea of sex without asking about these so while I didn’t reject him I didn’t really respond to his advances either. And I while I needed to ask the question I didn’t want to risk arguing or rage so I kept quiet. Surprisingly he accepted that and we went to bed separately. I spent hours in bed with self doubt, wishes and thoughts. Today was the same. We got along all day. Again the loneliness..the lack of physical- or any- connection. Again he was giving me gentle physical attention. I wanted to want sex with him. But I needed to clear my head of the tagged question. So with calm and a low even tone devoid of accusation I asked if he had been on anything online that he shouldn’t. At first he replied not really. I stayed quiet. After 15 seconds he added that he had been on tagged. Then he justified it by saying he only went on to see if I was on there. I’ve never been on there by the way. Anyways I took a breath in my head. A few seconds. Then I told him thank you. That I appreciated his honesty. And accepted his answer with that. He then asked if I had been on it or any sites. I said no..that I don’t do that. He said “ well I think you chat a lot. I think you have conversations. I think you have options”. Yeesh.  I responded with “ I have never cheated but why is it the cheater - you- is always accusing me”. In the course of this he told me I’ve talked to others - I said I’ve told you about that ( it was a fellow narcissist victim not a connection) and he said yeah that guy on Facebook. “No. That’s not true. I’ve never talked to any man on fb” . He rewrote the story in his head about one comment from a school mate from grade school that is of no interest to me. He then proceeded to tell me that he thinks that if I was out with friends and got drunk I would do “some guy”. And that I’m vengeful. Also claiming he friended a strange chick on ig and liked every one of her posts to help her confidence. I told him not to play that as we both know that’s not true. I also told him I asked a question and accepted his answer while he accused me and insulted me basically calling me a vengeful hoe. When I said I’d never cheated he said he didn’t know that. Ugh. I’ve never even spent a night or afternoon away from home other than afternoons when I worked. And I said why am I defending myself when you’ve cheated and even had one in our home? Which of course he replied “oh god here we go”. This really went in that same circle awhile. Then he said he was just trying to tell me his feelings. I responded that insulting me and accusing me are not feelings. I did tell him that if he had just got drunk and cheated we wouldn’t be where we were. But that he didn’t make a mistake he made a pattern. And he didn’t need to be drunk. He said how do you know? Jesus. I said because I know you weren’t drunk every day when you were texting and seeing a woman for months. He then went on to say “not that I could blame you if you did. You’d have every right to. I know I’m to blame for us”. I took pause. Then told him that’s where we differ. I don’t have that right to cheat. No matter what he’s done. That no one deserves that. Not even him. And without the empathy to understand that he couldn’t see what he’d done to me or us. That he’s just validating that behavior which is not us. He also went on a bit about me being on my phone.I watched a 2 hour movie while he was on his and I wasn’t. But he never sees that. Or says ‘you know I’m looking at trucks for sale’. And tagged I said. Shake my head. I did tell him that I had wanted to want sex. But that I was blocked by needing to ask him if he’d done anything inappropriate. That I asked and didn’t accuse. And said thank you and accepted his honesty. And that when he asked me I answers his question. And why didn’t I deserve the same courtesy? Instead of accepting my answer he argued, accused, invalidated my answer then insulted me. That left us in stalemate. He apologized. Neither of us got angry. So hello loneliness I’m here. It’s not creeping. It’s just here.

Not True

 So yesterday my daughter and I went shopping. She had an unexpected day off of school and I’ll take what I can get on time with her when she suggests it. So we’re out shopping and my husband calls. I honestly didn’t want to answer after the disastrous conversation with him Monday. And the follow up Tuesday. But I answered because…foolishly..I thought to avoid more rage. He asked what we were doing. I said shopping. He said with what money. I said we’re just looking if that’s ok with you. Well maybe you have money he says. So I said bye have a nice day. So he texted me “you’re a mean person”. Just an attempt to get attention and a response that gave him a rush. So I tested it. I answered “you know that’s not true”. No response. 10 min later i added “but thanks for yelling for 10 min yesterday”. This time a response in 5 seconds “see you can answer without an insult - mean person”. Interesting since it wasnt an insult anyways just a mild statement of fact. I answered “we know that’s not true” and again no response. So if I’m not feeding into chaos he doesn’t respond. At least sometimes. So I have a new catch phrase hoping it will work for awhile. So tonight he got home early so I got caught actually being in the living room. I’ve been avoiding that to avoid his rages. He started ranting about our son and the car he borrowed. I didn’t say anything. Then I asked what time his chiro appt was (he’d told me he couldn’t make it then got home early). He said aggressively that he was sick of having to do fkn shit after work and started raging about having to do everything himself. I lightly said unfortunately no one can go to your chiro for you. And he got mad. Parodied me and started ranting so I quietly got up, told him his dinner was in the microwave and headed to my room. He continued to rant and mumble but I couldn’t hear most of the words. Probably thankful for that. He scares me. Tomorrow I’m hiding his gun ammo. I think he’s dangerous and murderous right now.

Tick Tock

 The other day my husband called me harsh. I took exception to it. Maybe because I have a better grasp of the dictionary and know that it means unpleasant. Mean to the point of being disliked. When I told him I felt insulted he told me it’s how I’ve always been and a reason he “fell in love” with me. It’s laughable. I was sweet, naive (dumb as it turns out), trusting, silly and vulnerable. A “harsh” person wouldn’t have spent an entire summer crying out the truck window while he verbally tore me apart screaming at me. I’m still not harsh. But he perceives it that way because I started standing up for myself after years of abuse. When I sent him the definition of harsh to show why I was offended he told his “therapist” who laughed. She has no clue what a narcissist is and is being played. Earlier in the week I let him know that I knew he had followed a strange girl on Instagram and liked every single one of her inappropriate posts. I didn’t make a big deal - I texted him. Of course he didn’t address it. I also told him I’d made a fake fb account then blocked it with my real account. Then deleted the fake account- and guess what? It was still on my blocked list. So then he changed his story and said he had unblocked and then it disappeared. It wasn’t even a text on fb. The LIES. Always. I did tell him I was going to start an Instagram for men to like all my posts. He got so angry - such a massive hypocrite. So then Sunday we went to my daughters softball. I took a selfie. Of course he had to make a snot remark asking who I was sending it to. No one I said. He asked how my new ig was going I said fine. He said he doesn’t do selfies- hun- I told him I’d seen his half naked selfies he sent so yeah he does. He sends dick pics too but I didn’t say that. We got into over that. He tried to compare people that follow me - that I don’t follow back and don’t like their posts- to him friending a female and liking every single one of her posts. I walked away from the truck and went and sat to watch the games away from him. Later while we waited for our girl after the game I finally went to the truck and he started shit again so I walked away again. An hour later I went back. Leaned in the back seat and plugged my phone into the charger cord that my daughter had back there. Again he just had to be a jerk. Said I didn’t have to sit back there to hide my phone. I told him I’m not I’m just using the charger. Again he said “oh I know why you’re sitting back there to hide your phone”. I told him all he was doing was starting shit again (3rd time) and again walked away. I did call him crazy this time though. So he peeled out in the truck and left for awhile. I still wasn’t offended. He told his therapist he did that to help her confidence. What a joke. I didn’t hear that my daughter did when she went to get her laptop but she thought it was ridiculous. I assume his “therapist” bought that. So she wouldn’t be much of a therapist. When I went to my girls room I heard him bitching because I post pics on my Facebook when I remodel a room but I don’t post how proud of him I am that he did a “3000 dollar car rebuild”. Um which he’s never done. Nor has he EVER posted anything I’ve done. It’s hypocritical Bull. I can’t even stand the amount of narcissism going on. I don’t even care if he posts about me doing something. I like my little remodels. He should post his own shit. Then today. Texts me in the morning and says he’s gonna get fired. I didn’t get the text til a half hour later maybe so he sent a second one saying i didn’t care. There is some validity to that but I’m not a mean person so I just asked why. He didn’t answer til later- though I didn’t bitch at him like he did me. I thought maybe he fucked something up. But apparently he just had an inappropriate temper tantrum at someone at work because he’s supposed to wear a hard hat when his windows open. He also said when he gets a new truck he’s leaving with it and his 2 bikes. I wish. Then some bs about always being someone’s problem and how he won’t be when he’s gone. I’m sure he left all that out when talking to his therapist. I’ve got to get out of this. He is crazy. Next time he cuts loose I’m scared of what he’ll do since he’s threatened to kill me already. I’m 911 here on out. Tick tock on divorce.