Travel chronicle

 So we were sitting on the plane waiting to take off. It’s frontier. There’s no wifi on the plane. No reachable wifi. I’m on my phone on regular cell service when he says something about his mobile hotspot. I took out my headphone and asked what about it? He said he couldn’t connect to the mobile hotspot for wifi. I responded that there isn’t any wifi. He got pissed and said that’s not what he was saying and he needed the hotspot to download something and cell service was too slow. Again I said there’s no wifi - Frontier doesn’t have wifi. Then he got really pissed and said you can’t fucking understand so never fucking mind. Then he put his headphone in. I said I don’t understand why that makes you so mad. It seems he thought connecting to a mobile hotspot in a place with no wifi somehow converted cell service into wifi. And I’ve no idea how to avoid being berated when it’s his own confusion and anything I say is taken as me being stupid. I also wanted the aisle seat - I always get the middle. He got pissy about that too saying he needed it cuz his legs are longer. I said oh I didn’t realize you put your legs out in the aisle I didn’t think of that and said fine he could have the aisle seat. I wasn’t that happy since I always get middle but I just wanted to be done so I was a bit short .He said no he doesn’t put his legs out but the aisle seat still has more leg room. Um the seats are exactly the same distance from the seats in front of you. Of course I didn’t say that - because it would infuriate him and invite verbal abuse. Then he said well we know who the problem is now. And since my daughter was being moody she backed that up saying yeah it’s her. (Me). I asked how me saying he could have the aisle seat was being a problem but there was no answer for that. He is also on hookup dating sites as always. In the interest of honesty and not being a hypocrite I told him I planned to put my profile up. He had a fit. It went into a whole diversion insult verbal fest on his side. I didn’t get even slightly emotional but I did converse which I shouldn’t have done. In the end he was so “sorry” and isn’t on the sites - but at first he admitted it said it was from long ago. Um I have proof he checks every day. Along with checking in with one of his old hookups.

Three Strikes

 Myself my daughter and unfortunately my husband are out of town together for my daughters softball tournament. So many incidents in a short time but a few are real standouts. Yesterday we checked out downtown Nashville. I was driving with my girl beside me and my husband - her dad - in the back seat. An open air party bus with all college age girls pulled up next to us at a stop light whooping and hollering having a good crazy time. My daughter and I smiled about it and gave a little wave. My husband however was a whole different story. He started literally yelling out his window “yeah!” “Git it” and laughing loudly and interacting with them. Screaming “I love your job” . Then one shook her ass and he screamed “I love it” “ I love it” you have the greatest job . Laughing and hollering. I muttered under my breath how I hate what a scum he is but not so he or my girl could hear. When we pulled away my girl told him that wasn’t right. He objected. She told him it was gross. And disgusting with his wife and daughter in the car especially. I chimed in to say it was disrespectful and inappropriate. He said that was bullshit and said we were hypocrites because we took pics with two male strippers in Vegas 18 months ago. And comparing that was absurd because for one that was a sales pitch in a hall you couldn’t avoid them in. And we ignored them every time just smiling and walking by but not suckered in. When we finally did it’s because my half brother Robbie insisted and talked us into it - not because we encouraged or interacted. So anyways after being called out on his bs he sulked all night. Which is better than dealing with him.

In another incident I was trying to get some time by myself away from his craziness. He’s looked every day on tagged/meetme for someone to hook up with. He texted the broad he’s fucked before asking her to hit him up. Every time I turned there he was. He literally stalks me. I went to the restroom and didn’t see him when I came out. Admittedly I didn’t hang around looking and went off on my own for a whole hour! God forbid. He called 7 times and texted 3. I wasn’t in service for part of it but it popped up when I got in. The next day he proceeded to yell at me for 20 min in the car about how I do nothing. Nothing for him. He’s never gonna have sex with me. Doesn’t want it. I should go find other men. We’re separated but living together. The only reason I stayed was because I was afraid he’d be happy with someone else. I’m a bitch. Always a bitch. Lazy. He’s going to do what he wants. He’s going to find women. Blah blah. I was calm polite and not mean. I did ask how he could live in a rage all the time and that it seemed like a crummy way to live but I didn’t use any tone. So yeah there was that.

This morning at 1130 our older son texted me telling me about his camping trip. We exchanged texts back n forth for an hour. I was telling another parent about my son texting that he was riding horses. My husbands perked up to listen and asked if I was talking about our son so I said yeah. 10 min later he went to the car and come to find out he then texted our son that he’d heard he was camping. In itself there’s nothing wrong with that. However a half hour later he started telling me what our son was doing and I said yeah he’d been texting me (geez he KNEW this already !). This pissed him off so he called me a bitch in front of the other parent and stomped off. I didn’t respond or acknowledge it.. And come to find out he was making derogatory lies about us to our son. Saying all we’ve done is shop at the mall- we went once. The 2nd time we only went to the wax museum attached to the mall. He also told him we were going a 3rd time which is a lie and we have never said that or even wanted to! Then it was the “you know how women are” and “I’m outnumbered” bs. That’s just 3. Not all.

Attacks

Our daughter had a softball tournament a couple hours away today and my husband rode with us. A seemingly decent day. No problems. I drove while they slept. We dropped our daughter at a friends grad party on the way home. As I sat quiet next to him not 5 minutes later he started verbally attacking me. Unprovoked unexpected. Vicious. First he asked angrily what I had done with cash I took out of our account this month and what account I put it in. I said I took the cash to pay the mortgage. I had told him I was going to do this before I did it. He kept spending money and I kept telling him the mortgage was due but he never left enough in the Account to pay it. He spent money on motorcycle tires - like 300.00. And another 140 per week on weed. spending at Walmart. I didn’t object to any of the spending because when I do he gets super angry But I did want to make sure our mortgage was paid. Although I have no idea why when I told him I put money towards the mortgage he got more angry. He kept going on about me putting it in account and I told him again that I had told him before hand that I was doing this so he knew about it. He admitted that I had told him and somehow converted that to calling me righteous which really wasn’t even applicable in the circumstance of what he was saying. I also told him he can go back to our account look and see that amount mortgage never got paid out of our account because there was never enough money in it and that’s why I had to take it out to pay it. Then he told me I was a know it all and thought I knew everything and had done everything which also had nothing to do with the subject at hand. Just random attacks. I didn’t defend or get even slightly upset. Then he started yelling at me about how I don’t cook dinner I don’t clean and I won’t have sex with him. Not that I should have to defend myself in my own blog but I do clean I’m the only one that cleans and I cook about five nights a week. And I actually wasn’t unwilling to have sex I just wanted protection meaning condoms. He said something about coming to his room for sex and I calmly stated that in fact I have come to his room and provided sex multiple times and he has never come to mine. There’s not argument to that fact so He then started yelling at me about how I never contribute and haven’t done anything and I never do anything and it’s always all on him and how I Never work or contribute. I told him calmly and simply that he could portray what he wanted but that our tax returns would prove differently since I have in fact worked and contributed for the last six years. I didn’t mention that being a stay at home mom and doing everything involved with the house is a viable contribution. He also accused me of shutting a text. I said yes I did - that I had gotten a strange message from a fake fb profile and showed him where I blocked the messenger. In fact though I can’t prove it I know he’s the one that copied the guys profile made the fake account and messaged me to see if I would answer. Which is dumb because not only did I figure it out instantly but even if it had been real I wouldn’t have answered. It is the same guy he blew up about because the guy commented on my fb post. And it’s only someone from when I was in elementary school that I’ve never spoken to. Nor do I want to. He might be off the mental deep end. He then started screaming at me things like you wonder why I don’t like you. And he told me to get the fuck out of the house. I quietly said no. In fact I stayed calm the entire time. I didn’t say a lot. I did ask why she initiated a fight as soon as we drop my daughter off. I asked if you felt better. And I did tell him I didn’t understand what the problem was and that I had told him about the mortgage to avoid exactly this but I think ultimately it wasn’t about the mortgage anyways it was just about anger and him wanting to verbally abuse me And he said he didn’t like me and that I refuse to have sex I said well that’s not true I like most of the time and I’m not unwilling to have sex I’m just I’m willing to have unprotected sex. He called me a liar and a bitch. He screamed at me that he’s going to do whatever the fuck he wants And how he doesn’t give a fuck about me. Initially I didn’t respond I just went to my room and close and lock the door. When I went out into the kitchen he was out there and I asked him to clarify his statement and if he meant by he was going to do whatever the fuck he wants if that means that he intends to step outside the marriage again even though that’s something he said he would never do. He said that’s not what he meant but we know that is what he meant. I said well I just wanted to clarify and make sure we were on the same page and he said you do whatever you want I don’t give a fuck about you or what you do. Again I quietly just said OK and went back to my room. Lastly he’s been lurking around outside again- trying to peeping Tom through my windows- I caught him out there tonight because I heard something then stuck my head out the window as I have no screens. I saw him go back in the front door but he closed it very slowly and quietly- but with my head out I could see and hear it. This whole evening was scary. He’s scary. I need to leave. But I just  need a little time . I can’t be homeless. I’ve no job and no options. And I can’t leave my daughter homeless. I hope I don’t leave her motherless as he says and acts like he might be that dangerous

Chamaleons

 Another little side that is yesterday was my group every Wednesday evening I have a zoom meeting with a narcissistic support group. Occasionally I’ll leave dinner out for him but most of the time that’s the one night of the week I kind of leave him to fend for himself. I took out some pulled pork and put it in the microwave to be defrosted I didn’t know what time he get home so I just sort of left it there. When he got home he went outside for a while and I started in with my group which he really shouldn’t interrupt but he does frequently so he came in and asked me if I was cooking dinner. I replied no but that I’d left some pulled pork in the microwave that just needs to be defrosted not cooked so it would only take him a few minutes. He left the room and then came back to the door and yelled through the door at me about not putting in effort and how it was bullshit. Oh I didn’t hear anything for a bit after that but I did hear him come stomping out after he’s eaten and throw his dishes violently into the sink. At the same time I heard my son come up the stairs into the room and even through the door I could hear the change in his demeanor. It was like he was completely unaffected and OK. The Chamaeleon changes his spots frequently and easily. And another little interesting incident the other day and my son lightly reprimanded him for something inappropriate he said. He used to derogatory term forgetting that we have the guest who is black. I didn’t use the term directly to him he was upstairs bitching about being the only person that worked blah blah blah and it wasn’t overheard But it could’ve been and it was unnecessary and inappropriate. So my son told him he needed to watch saying things like that. We all sort of discussed it without any real judgment or rancor and I was like yeah it’s funny but that is one thing that shouldn’t do. To which he responded in a low tone close to me so that my son wouldn’t hear that I didn’t need to fucking say anything. It was said with the tone viciousness viciousness to it.  I wasn’t even actually talking to him directly it was somewhat of a blanket statement about not saying things like that. It appears the Chamaeleon can change his spots even when he’s not hiding.

A Trojan Horse

 So my husband wants sex. He wants to be a jerk and still get sex. Nothing loving about it. But in the interest of keeping the peace I’m willing to keep faking it. What I’m not willing to do is have sex without protection anymore. If I am disease free it’s by sheer luck with number of women he’s fucked. He says he’s always used condone with all the women every time. And that would not be just for pregnancy protection as several are past being able to conceive. So a few nights ago I let things head in that direction. I asked if he had condoms. He said no. But I knew for a fact he’s always kept some in his truck he has some in his dresser he usually has one in his wallet. When I insisted he decided he didn’t want to have sex. He insists that he’s use them with other women but he doesn’t feel like he should have to use them with his wife. I did state that I’m not necessarily his wife someone that you feel that way about you don’t cheat on repeatedly. At least we didn’t actually get in any sort of fight I just left the room so it was more of a stalemate. A stalemate that continues. At the time I told him that he was being disrespectful of me and they were showing more respect to the house and well-being of his side partners than he was to his wife. He came in later and said he doesn’t respect me less he just feels like he shouldn’t have to wear one with his wife and that we’ve already had unprotected sex so it shouldn’t matter. But the fact is the guy is stillOn hook up sites. He’s on a site called tagged which links to meet me which is where he found his last girlfriend and he persistently cheats he’s not trustworthy why would I risk my health for something that really isn’t even intriguing to me because of who he is and what he’s done. And what he continues to do. He always thinks he’s so clever and so sneaky but I know who he is I know what he does and I’ve seen him on the sites. He lasted longer than I thought he would but I knew that the instant things weren’t perfect for him that he would turn to other women behind my back instead of speaking of it. And we have spoken of sex and affection and I’ve tried to be more supportive but I cannot and will not have sex without protection.So they’re not having sex that’s on him and yet he still using it as a way to cheat with other women which according to him he would use a condom with so I fall back to the same thing what’s the problem buying a Trojan for his wife when he would have to buy a Trojan for the other women or at least that’s what he claims. Personally I don’t believe he used condoms every time.But he will need to every time with me