Turkey Day was Fowl !

The status quo was just that most of November. Like a glassy lake undisturbed by the wind...deep water without ripples but nasty undertows lurking beneath the falsely calm surface. As always I am secure in my knowledge that my husband is using porn and emailing women for sex. But it hasn't been in my face and these days I find my indifference extends into what I cant see. The past and present are invariably and intricately linked. I cooked the acceptable standard Turkey dinner. My 9 1/2 year old daughter helped as she often does. I set out the turkey, she set out the potatoes, gravy, and broccoli. I told my husband dinner was ready as my daughter was getting the last item...yams. He came out to the kitchen as she had the yams in her hands and berated her loudly..not quite yelling but in a startling manner with voice raised. "Just leave it...why do you have to fucking move shit" he tells her as his body pushed her out of the way..I was about to light into him but he had..if not scared at least flustered and put her physically off balanced her so she made to turn back to the stove as he had barked at her and shoved himself in the way but he pushed her making her spill hot yam juice on herself. Shes so smart..she did not drop the pan but set it down...she didn't want to splatter her feet..her tummy was burned...fortunately not badly but it hurt her. I berated my husband for this one without compunction..if he had let her be, let us finish as we,d been doing, not barked at her.. not pushed her...it wouldn't have happened. I have been abused so long and been so undermined I accept it as my fault- but not my daughter. My protective instinct kicked in.  I was furious. I have to take some culpability as I was allowing her to handle a hot item but we had smoothly and with my supervision laid out the rest and if not for his intervention would have finished smoothly. What angers me is that he cant admit the wrongness of speaking to her that way or pushing her. Period. If he didn't think she should move it then say "you don't have to move it...why dont you leave it but thank you" or better yet "let me get that for you". He blamed me...and was pissed that I dare have such a low opinion of him. I later apologized for lashing out at him Apology not accepted. I didn't even say "but" but I will now...but I really didnt care. I dont want to be a victim or doormat. So Thanksgiving evening rolls around and hes across the room on his phone..staring intently as time ticks by. After an hour I check and see hes looking at  porn via google plus. How I knew is somewhat convoluted but lets say friend suggestions are based on sites. I suddenly stepped towards.him and stated I knew he was looking at porn..he claims hes on plus because theres no nudity...I showed him that lie. We.had a big row...not because I was hurt so much as how vastly inappropriate it was. I told him he was going to wake up divorced and dumbfounded one day...but he cant grasp it. He will never own his porn addiction or his multitude of other problems. He doesn't have the mental wherewithal to . He gave some lame blah blah and I did not pursue it.. his addiction his problem. I asked him who was his go to girlfriend is ...and told him porn. Who did he fight for..porn. who did he cum for...porn. So we fought..then didn't. In just a few days he thought all was better. I forgot to mention in the midst of my determined verbal honesty  he admitted that when he went to Romantix..lying about being at work...that he visited the arcade. He then expected credit for this belated honesty. Im beginning to think hes the dumbest person I ever met. So as its not worth my brains investment I have not dwelled on the issue. So the rest of the week went by..I also enjoyed some volunteer time my kids school...xmas shopping etc. Then a few nights ago I see he has set something to record...at 1230am on showtime. If it had been "busty coeds" i probably wouldnt have even bothered with it. But the movie description was about a runaway teen sucked into porn - a plot that disgusts me. I asked him '"what about a teen being victimized into porn made him want to watch that". He gave me some blah blah bs and that was the end of it...but he knew my opinion. So that night I get up at 130...when I step into the living room there he is...watching the movie...dick in hand. I directly and definitively shared my opinion that jacking off and even watching porn is not what bothers me - but jacking off to teen porn does and so does him always choosing porn over love. I then went back to bed. Half hour later I get up again..this time for aspirin...and there he is...movie on, phone in one hand, dick in the other! He hides the phone then shows me porn he was looking at. But he wont let me touch the phone...and he was on some sex chat thing also getting his rocks off. HAPPY HOLIDAYs

I'm Not Buying

How interesting my mind has been this past month. The first part of October was relatively uneventful. Oh there was the usual gut feeling that my husband was looking at porn again...but not obsessively...at first. Hes a weak fool...unable to confront or control his own weakness. The 2nd week of this month he began coming home in an unpleasant mood. Not awful but the elephant was in the room. Of course it progressed and of course he was on his phone. He walks in the door and says"whats for dinner?" without a hello. He snapped at me a couple times...once about laundry. The 2nd time we were discussing an extra expense he wanted to make and I mildly mentioned to just get as many work hours as he could. I got the "well maybe if you had a fucking job or did anything I wouldn't have to". This is where my mind is interesting...my response?! I told him not to speak to me that way and he needed to check himself. I didn't scream, cry or get upset. But I knew....you know...he was getting into the porn, cheating...which always correlates to increased disrespect and verbal and emotional abuse. Another night...with his parents visiting...my daughter cleaned the kitchen counters. She moved his wallet to the other counter near "his corner". Later he couldn't find it and berated her harshly - in front of her grandparents. She defended herself and said it was somewhere on the counter where she'd put it..but he berated her again telling her she was stupid and she shouldnt be fucking with his stuff.. and she ran off crying. A few minutes later it was found...only a foot from where she thought she put it...he just didnt see it under his sunglasses. I immediately and firmly told him he should not have talked to her like that AND owed her an apology. And that it was unacceptable. He instead defended his harshness saying "the bitch" should'nt have moved it...to which I sooo succinctly replied "well maybe you should fucking clean the counters once in a while then". Haha...my mindset is NOT allowing me to put up with abuse. We went out to dinner with his parents that night. He told the same irritating...I mean seriously irritating "funny" story I've heard at least 5-6 times now. About how one of his coworkers had a lunch from his wife with a note...and how they were only married 3 yrs. So he tells the guy...yeah, first few yrs they make you lunch with a sweet note, then lunch with no note, then just the sandwich, and after 7 yrs you're making your own lunch....hahaha he chuckles. Ive heard this story (as he tells it so much) that Ive had enough. And just maybe all those wifely charms last if you dont turn into a porn addicted cheating lying abusive slob right? I waited a moment and before I could comment my 15 yr old son says "why dont you just appreciate her for what she does do?. Hey..awesome kid eh?! However I still felt the need to establish my intolerance for disrespect...so I said well newly married husbands dont go to Twin Peaks on their wives birthdays either. Oh his reply?...it wasnt your birthday..oh my bad..it was saturday and my birthday was sunday...and he didnt do SHIT for me either day! Anyways this past week hes been a bit silent..and hes been on his phone...looking at women while sitting across the room. And did I forget he still lies? So our cell tower out here must of been messed up as we couldnt get service for a couple days...only my husband had a meltdown about it.  When he finally got service he was sitting over there looking at "youngleafs" (filth) and Id had enough...called him out on it...quietly...told him he was a pervert and that I knew hed been in several sites. He called me a bitch of course..didnt really try to deny after that...and put his phone down. I didnt mention it but I have blatantly evaded any physical contact...sexual and non sexual..for two weeks. I refuse to use my body to placate him any more. I did tell him the simpering wimp from 2 yrs ago is GONE. So I saw a report on Colorado best about divorce...my option for alimony looks excellent i was happy to see...so I started looking at divorce lawyers day before yesterday to get a consultation. I dont know if :option one-he has a sixth sense hes gone too far (unlikely). Option 2-he listened when I basically told him to check himself (unlikely). Or option 3-hes been chatting, emailing, or just plain out had a porn fix frenzy (most likely). But suddenly night before last he comes home pleasant and loving. Last night more of the same with a dose of affection. I admit I am non responsive..nor do I initiate...nor do I buy it. I dont buy anything any more. And he acts as if I have transgressed somewhere also...hes an ass....of course Ive been a bitch..but only in direct reaction to his actions...until he changes his thinking his next relationship will fail to...and though he may get generous time with my sons...he WONT with my daughter. By the way..that lunch story...its insulting and derogatory.

Twenty Shades of My Husband

Yesterday I felt very melancholy. I was uable to drag myself out of it. Of course its hold loosened once my kids got home. I didnt receive the texts from my husband yesterday or today...though that was not the cause of my internal blandness. Im also not surprised to not receive such texts...they arent sent because he feels them..theyre sent to illicit a behavioral correction by me and when my reaction isnt forthcoming they cease. In other words they arent sent for ME...they are sent for him to manipulate a perceived and expected reward. I wonder..often...if I always overestimated his depth perception. Today I finally read Fifty Shades of Grey...I couldnt stand not being privy to all the hoopla any longer. I didnt find it fascinating or erotic...more perturbing. To explain why I must review my history more explicitly. When I first discovered my husbands porn it was just pictures of pretty women...some 8 years ago or so. As I said it didnt overly concern me. As he erased his history my eventual concern was derived more from the volume and frequency. We discussed, he cut back...as would happen again and again. The next discovery was even more volume..night after night. This time naked and straight sex. Later girl on girl. Then threesomes. Then S&M...bondage, gang bang, teens,...then shemales. When I clicked on shemales I became beyond disturbed...his fix was requiring harder and sicker fantasys to be satisfied. Then...a secret email account..a few emails for sex, videos,cam sites. Escorts. Ads for body rubs. Escorts that were pairs. Comments about "allowing" me to have sex with another man while he watched. In the beginning I strangely tried to conform...thinking it was openmindedness. I watched some porn with him...was even turned on by lighter stuff. Opened myself to "toys". Not for me though...and thats what was inherently wrong with it..I never changed or added anything sexual for my pleasure or ours...it was always to comply with his fantasy. The emails became the phone number list..the ones he called were two hookers who worked together. The one with 3 stars was a tranny. He knew sexual terms I had never heard of...fisting and the like. And as his sickness became sicker it became more secretive...and acted upon. He went to an arcade..glory holes. My mind chases it...did he use a glory hole with a MAN?! I dont want to imply I am repressed..in my single days I had the benefit of experiencing limited sexual freedom...as many do in their early twenties. But it is restricted to my past...and even there if my husband knew he would have a hypocritical fit. And why? I have never even thought waywardly since we met. Our pasts before we met are irrelevant..and not related to the commitment we made. Where we were is not where we are. So back to Fifty Shades...I found it abhorrent..but honest. At least Christian presented her with a reality based choice. I found myself hurrying to the end..to the part where I knew she would leave...and where I knew in his stupidity it would be unexpected by him. I wasnt disappointed. My husband has twenty shades I know of...which makes the thirty I dont know that much scarier..did those friction spots really come from his hand? Dry balls from the weather? Well whatever..I am sorely disappointed ...I think my melancholy came from that age old sentiment..is this all there is? When I felt love, and loved, this thought never pricked me...now its a stinging sensation. Today is our wedding anniversary...

Trying or Lying?

At home my husband has been spending less time on his phone...at least when Im awake. He has been mostly respectful, affectionate, loving...even in the face of my semi resistance to believing it. Narcissist love bombing I learned later. Trust takes time I thought ...and we are still in two steps forward one step back mode. But I still run into the porn roadblock..this often makes me think I am just missing some of those roadblocks. There was the instance where my young daughter told me he was looking at women before I took the kids to drop them at a football game. While they were gone I retrospectively realized  he was horny from looking at porn-not me. Then last night...he was soooo tired he could barely stay awake. My daughter fell asleep on our bed early so he decided to crash in our spare room rather than disturb her...and he said he was exhausted...yet the glow under the crack of the door showed he wasnt too tired for one thing! I opened that door...down went the phone. He didnt click off the page though and instantly said he was looking at porn. He was also using his incognito browser option...I told him the only reason to use that is to hide it...which is lying. He claims to only be looking once in awhile...that it had been weeks...and yet its in my face daily..and thats just what Ive been slapped in the face with. So is he trying...or lying? Either way knowing my husband is laying in the spare room perusing dirty pictures of other women is the ultimate turn off. So back a step we go...at the very least sexually. Just when I was considering putting my wedding ring back on. I never would have guessed I would be such a gullible fool

That Fucker Hates Me

So for several weeks things went along okay. My husband was still somewhat self absorbed but was fairly attentive and did not offload any frustrations on me. Desire is still difficult for me but there so our sex resurged a bit. I once told him that if we were at the beginning and just dating and he leered at other women and whipped out Cumshot magazine I would hardly go back to his place...it is no different, perhaps worse, as his wife. I will have to be somewhat explicit to get to where I am today so if that may offend you exit now! During these weeks we have been sexually active...or I should say hes been getting it from me 3-4 times per week. Thats not a lot different from how it always was before this abuse and his issues - thats why they have nothing to do with me. But I wont say Ive been getting it from him...sex has involved him scooting close to me in bed and grabbing a boob. This literally lasts 30 seconds. As soon as hes determined I am willing he hops on...mostly from behind which I am ok with once in awhile but not all the time  (he slipped once and it was painful and bruised my area), and proceeds to do his thing for 10-15 minutes til hes done. Then "its" done. Needless to say 30 seconds of foreplay (though I really dont think it qualifies) does nothing for me. The rest of the time he wants serviced and most of the time I feel like I should get a hundred bucks when hes done lol! He also made sexual promises several times but never followed through. I also asked him for a massage one night to which I received a flat out no. I have also told him many times I would like a date night..but it never happens and last week I told him I finally have given up on it. Twice he fell asleep on the couch and I left him there..he works hard and needs the rest but it pissed him off. Apparently allowing him to sleep is a serious offence And I dont wake him up..for sex of course which also pissed him off. So last week I decided to try and change it up. I woke him up first and initiated. I took out the soft leather whip tassle with feathers on the other end and petted him with both. He jus wanted serviced which I did but 35+ minutes later with arm pump and frustration I told him one minute left. That minute expired ..yet it only takes him 10 minutes when he cant see my face! Those secret ED pills also dont help I think. So I left him hanging - I just couldnt any more...and he was furious...and yet he rarely takes time for my pleasure and I don't bitch. All week he threatened revenge..telling me he was going to turn me on then walk out. Except for the logical conclusion that saying that makes it impossible to get turned on. I didn't plan on leaving him hanging.. But his nightly threats killed any interest I would have had in sex...and it never came to fruition anyways. The other night we got right back to a 10 minute non satisfying for me, 100 dollar hand job for him! On Saturday he was demeaning and rude several times...once about a shirt I didn't order for him months back, next about a sign on the road I didn't read (yard sale or something), then my driving until I finally told him he had no right to speak to me like that and I wouldn't tolerate it...he quit for once but then we really didn't talk the rest of the weekend...never do unless its about him and his job. So last night my son had baseball practice and my husband was to meet us there. It was raining 15 miles south where he was so he called and asked if it cancelled...I said no...it looked clear up north..so he says "no shit, I can fucking see what its doing and its gonna rain and i dont want to fucking drive if its cancelled". Again I told him not to talk to me in a demeaning and disrespectful manner and hung up on him. He called back and said he had to fix a flat tire when he got home and I told him Id decided not to go to practice. When I got home I parked in the garage..I should note that as I pulled in I saw the air hose and chuck laying on the floor so I rolled down my window to make sure I didn't run over the chuck and that I straddled the hose so he could pull it out and use it. When he got home he was furious and pulled my suv out of the shop bitching because he'd told me he had to fix a flat...he peeled the tires when he pulled it out. He proceeded to tell my 9 yr old daughter that I was a stupid bitch, that I ran over the air chuck, that i was stupid because the breaker was off (I turned it back on for him) and that I needed to get my yard sale leftovers out of his fucking shop and that he works while I don't do a fucking thing all day. He threw the steel air chuck at me but I dodged well enough it only grazed my shoulder. Its worth mentioning that in just the last 2 week I have organized the baseball team he coaches, taken my son to practice, paid all the bills, done 8 loads of laundry, stripped the flooring and linoleum out of the kitchen to prep for new flooring, removed all the furniture, removed the trim, painted the kitchen, filled a 16' enclosed trailer with yard sale stuff to take to the flea market, climbed on the roof to apply sealant to vents that were leaking (in spite of the fact that ladders scare me and I had asked him to do it 7-8 times), shampooed the carpet in the spare room then vacuumed it on my hands and knees with a shop vac, and taken 3 boxes of clothes to the donation center, stained both the front and back porches, fed the dogs, chickens, and ducks every day, watered the horses and the rest, dusted all the furniture, and cooked dinner! He didnt speak to me all night then this morning while Im still in bed kisses me 3 times and says I love you very much. All I can think in my head is " you hate me you fucker".

To Be or Not to Be....Honest.

So far so good..I recently heard an analogy that struck home...I am waiting for the right moment to share it with my husband..I am sure that moment will come! It is normal and acceptable to have a glass of wine with dinner...but an alcoholic cant do it. So next time hes defending occasional use of porn I will offer this tidbit of logic...porn is his alcohol...one drink and hes hooked again and becomes progressively worse. So to tie in to the title..yesterday he received a text "hi, its Marilyn, remember me? Im no longer posting on Backpage and am sticking to my client list. Rebook your sensual 38dd bodyrub for a special price and the bodyslide of your life. Looking forward to hearing from you again." Now I should say I intercepted his contact with her months ago.... He was inquiring and still in preliminary question stage...I believed he hadnt followed through for a few reasons...one she was ugly, looked much older than me,, and was overweight...not his style. Nor did he have NIGHTLY availability..he never went anywhere on his own in that time frame. Of course I have since discovered he will lie about what time he gets off work and where he is so I now doubt that believable but I cant be sure either way. What bothers me is he hasnt mentioned the unsolicited text. We have gone over the stay together rule of not lying...this includes hiding things which is tantamount to dishonesty. Yet here he is...comfortably hiding it because he doesnt want to get in "trouble". And I think my idea that he has standards is misplaced. Ill give him another day to be honest...or not to be.

Marriage to a douchebag!

So the story goes...we are stable but I know it can only be temporary. A couple weeks ago our team had a baseball tournament. The first game there was a rule issue. I told my husband, the coach. He didny want to address it. He was in a negative angry attitude anyways. He wasn't talking to his players and I admit I became irritated with him.The same pitching violation came up in the 2nd game and I showed him the rule in writing. He took the umps word though and so I dropped it. He again came up to me between innings and told me he wasn't going to object so I said fine. The next inning he came up again to tell me I was wrong and I told him "quit talking to me about it". And yes I was irritated but I didn't yell or argue. As he walked into the dugout he raised his arm and flipped me off! This pretty much put us on non speaking terms. After losing the game he left the field abruptly...didn't talk to his players, his sons or me. He was also rude to one players grandpa. This led to a lovely modern text argument as I texted him and told him his behavior was inappropriate and embarrassing. Of course his response was that I'm a queen bitch and fuck you. The next day I took my younger son to his other teams game. My older boy and another player/friend was with me. Our team had another game as well I texted my husband and asked him to pick up the 2 boys on the way so they would be with him for warm ups. He was extremely rude about it as in " so now I have to fucking stop there too?". When my son was done with his game we headed over to the other game. I kept quiet and a low profile. The next day more games. I adhered to my low profile. The only time I spoke was when my husband was substituting a player...I keep book so I asked him who he was subbing as he walked by..he tells me "just calm down, Ill get it to you' accompanied by pushing his hands down. I wasn't in the least bit "uncalm"..all I did was ask! Keep in mind that all this behavior is very public and in front of player parents. The next game my younger son was playing with his younger team at the same time on fields that were back to back with our team. My husband didn't walk over with me...of course he walked to the field with a tall blonde he'd been ogling all year. I gave the book to another parent and chose to just watch both games. My husbands teams game ended first so I was sitting in the bleachers watching my younger son play. My older boy came and sat with me...but my husband didnt. The tall blonde was standing near the on deck batters ring. When my son was in the ring my husband went up to him and the blonde stepped back about 10 feet. Now here is where predictability comes in...I knew what he was up to. As soon as my son went up to bat my husband stepped back..you guessed it...10 feet so that he was right beside her. He proceeded to strike up a conversation with her...laughing and smiling for 15 minutes with her. He never spoke to me. Surprisingly we didn't fight about the day..not then anyways. I've learned to keep my mouth shut if I don't want to get screamed at and bullied. And since we were in separate cars not on the way home. What brought it to a head was the next morning when I got up and he freaked and shoved his phone down...said he was looking at something inappropriate on it..i said let me see...and he said no and shut it down. Says it was porn...but how do I know? Probably some secret email. This caused a total meltdown that brought all the weekends filthy laundry out. He said he was done with me and I agreed. I did bring up the tall blonde and his response was "I will bring her home and fuck her right here". Iv'e been sleeping in the spare room since. And yes hes done the whole apology, iv'e been an ass, i love you, ill do anything speech since then...but things can never go back to what they used to be. I did forget to say that at our 3rd game the same rule violation came up...this time it was the other team calling US on it though..and it was upheld! Turns out the director got wind of the other teams getting away with it and said no more of that! Yes I was right...but I never said I told you so. Anyways our argument lasted a couple hours...my husband told me to get the fuck out of his house...he thinks he has that right because he works and I don't. He fights with evil intent...to wound and win. I never retaliate in the same manner...I address his behavior and my feelings but I don't turn around and say I'm going to "fuck" someone. I married a douchebag...I don't know if he was and hid it well or if hes just become one but either way thats what I have now. Ive shelved it for now because I cant deal with it constantly...I have to take time to enjoy life -- and I do. But the rope is very short.

Sniper!

Although I find myself blase about it my husband has now taken the sniper attack mode. Tiny verbal digs throughout the day centered around sex of course. A man on tv ...even just a commercial..with a shirt off elicits "bet you wanna watch that". Comments about my lack of sexual desire abound as well...which he wont listen to when I try to communicate its there but need nurturing. Then he tries counteractive behavior by reaching to hold my hand or telling me he loves me...and I do it. The love and desire come back. I'm also afraid of him. I never know what will invoke the abuse. We dont talk...I wont initiate because it would evolve into an attack on my humanity. He doesn't talk because he doesnt want to hear it. Zero communication equals zero resolution. And I find it hard. Since he vowed respect in our marriage he has visited personal ads for sex, gone to.sex arcade, lied about getting off work early, lied about where he was and is now back to staying up half the night recording and watching porn and cruising his secret email under  his alter ego user name "JD" (yes I know that).. Interestingly

Good Mourning

First I should mention that my blogging has become sporadic...not because things are great but because my level of acceptance has plateaued. I try to no longer emotionally reactive and try to keep the peace. I think he feeds off of or enjoys my pain - why else would he do it even after things get better? I do get pissed...but I dont get upset...crying just isn't an option. Yesterday I rose early to get a drink...am early. This is usually a time my husband gets ready for work while I sleep another hour. If you consider getting ready involves using his browsers incognito option to shop for women anyways! As I walked out the phone went between his legs. He said "yes I'm looking at something I shouldn't". I asked to see and he emphatically replied "NO". We went through the usual hiding, sneaking, lying repertoire. He even stated I should believe him when he said it was just porn and only a few times this month and if that were true and the only thing our relationship would be fine...I will never wrap my head around how he thinks I should trust his word. I mean I will never figure out how he is unable to think things through. I told him I don't know him...and did he think if at the beginning he'd told me he lies and is a porn and sex addict along with being mean and abusive and a cheater would I have married him? I had to answer that by the way. He also wanted credit for immediately "confessing".what do I care? Doing the right thing in the first place is the only commendable action. Besides I am sure it was either a hookup site or or more likely a nice little secret email chat with some lonely mommy off craigslist. Not a good morning..but not bad as Im no longer in mourning...

Random Reflections

I find my mind a bit reflective of flashes of past incidents that further demonstrate my tolerance of the intolerable. Last year on the day before my birthday my husband had a baseball game. As he was dressing he suddenly screamed at me "wheres all the god damn fucking socks". In the past I would sometimes mirror him in a misguided attempt to show him it was wrong...that doesnt work by the way! In this incident I screamed right back "I dont fucking know". Then I calmly told him he should not talk to me that way...he certainly didnt like it. His response was that I was being a bitch. I told him I would not go with him until he agreed to treat me with respect. He said "just fucking get in the car". I refused and he left with our two sons. He hid the keys to our other car but I had hidden my spare set so was able to leave too...with a suitcase. Later I decided I would show up for his game...it was his first one and I didnt want to regret missing it. He had been texting apologies..because I refused to answer my phone. Anyways I mapped his location on google to find where the game was at and headed that way. About halfway there his location changed. He wasnt there...I found out later it was cancelled. But he didnt head home...instead he took my two sons to Twin Peaks... a hooters. style restaurant. His claim..he drove 25 miles across town to check out the food. And yet for a week after I had to listen to him and my 14 and 12 yr old sons discuss the hot waitresses. I finally told them to shut up. Now Ive been to Hooters with them before...no problem with t at but after a fight this was an intentional affront..and he knew it..even tried to lie about being there. In the back of my mind of course is running that this is my birthday weekend. I was expecting extra special treatment though I don’t know why since I’ve never been treated special before.. I was getting the opposite. The next morning half the day rolls by...suddenly my husband phone alarm goes off...he says i wonder why i have an alarm today...i tell him i bet i know why...he looks puzzled then says oh thats right...happy birthday. Yup thats it...my entire birthday weekend..no card, no present, no nothing. Even though ive never been a flowers or jewelry girl (rather have a plant or horsey art ) on other occasions he buys me flowers. Only thing is I cant recall one time he bought me flowers without telling me how much they cost, how much effort it took, and how wonderful the clerk and/or the women in the store thought he was for buying them. Later that month of my birth I intercepted an email..hed emailed a woman in craigslist about hooking up for sex. When she answered he then emailed her again asking how much she charged and where she was located and requested her picture. She sent it...she was skanky ugly. This was last year in October by the way. Hes also very suspicious of me...which is his own internal guilt. Ive never set up sex, talked in the phone, or flirted with a guy. Ive thought about it...never did before but with all his actions who wouldnt?
I also remember another time. We were at a ballpark for my sons baseball tournament. It was a 2 hour drive. When we got there my daughter and I had to use the restroom - she must of been only about 7. We waited a few minutes for my husband who was getting stuff out of the car but we had to go pretty bad so we headed off to the bathroom. After coming our we went and looked around for him but didnt see him right away so I told my daughter to wait and I would go look for him. On the way I found him halfway through the parking lot. "oh hey" I said. He started yelling "where the fuck were you". Just in the bathroom I said and asked for the keys to the car so I could get a coat. Fuck you he said and threw the keys at me hitting me in the shoulder. At that moment one of the other moms went to walk by...she looked at me sadly and mouthed the word "wow". He then said fuck no and took the keys back My husband is typically careful to present a different persona to the world - his fury tripped on this one. I was devastated..bing humiliated and abused in public is a whole new arrogance of what you can do that floored me. I didnt reply but headed to the car where I sat by the tire and cried quietly. Eventually my husband came out and berated me for crying...again calling me a dramatic bitch (gaslighting). then apologized. it a scary world I ive in

Simply...Gross

This past couple days Ive been my own ocd enemy. My husband wants sex and cant understand my lack of desire. Seems stupid when you read this blog doesnt it? Anyways after thinking about the smut store episode I couldnt shut down the idea that there was more to suspect. He spent 90 minutes there...at a truck stop smut shop. How much could you look at for that long? Then the bell dinged...not just Glory holes but arcades. Gross.I actually let this man have sex with me the last few days! I FEEL dirtier than I think he IS. How is it that I can continue to be amazed and surprised by the influx of pervert education? My own ignorance is amazing as well.

Cant Rain all the Time

As an addendum to my struggles Ive been unable to continue attending my domestic violence group...not by choice. Its over 49 miles away...my husbands layoff has left us struggling just to buy food for our family of 5...a broken down suv, truck with a tranny problem and...the exhorbitant price of gas, have made the expense of travel impossible.  The domestic violence group and counseling has been helping me work through what happened and recognize that I am abused. Its humiliating but the process is necessary. When it rains it pours.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

So its obvious I had a little blog vacation. Not by choice but to add to my grievous lifestyle my husband was laid off from his job. Time together doesnt improve our relationship - its just extra opportunity for him to be abusive. He is back to work...so here I am also. And the fun never ends. Yesterday was a rainy day. My husband left for work at 6am...he starts at 7. At about 845 I had a thought...a premonition maybe even...how amazing is that?! I google mapped my husband...and BOOM..up pops his location...at Pleasures Entertainment Center. At 915 he was at Romantix. In case your unfamiliar with porn addicts r us these are smut stores located in a truck stop and low end of town. Closer to 1030am my husband calls and tells me hes off early and on his way home. Once home he explains the wet weather cut them loose ( construction ). So I ask him if he came straight home. First he answers yes...so I say...you didnt go anywhere else? He says well I did go by the company yard. Hmmm...why I ask him. From there I get an elaborate web of lies of all the reasons he needed to go to the company yard...I gave him the opportunity for truth and he elected rubbish! So after he dug his own grave I told him that maps showed him at Pleasures and Romantix. He stuck to lies and bullshit...and I let it go. I wasn't angry...nor did I get angry...but he is sadly mistaken to think I am stupid...its this aspect that irks me at the moment. Emotionally I find myself detached in an effort to protect my heart and to protect me physically. About 10 minutes later my husband asks me to step into the other room...and subsequently confesses to the web of lies. I shared my sentiment that it hurt and that he should not think I'm stupid! His explanation for his sex store visits was ridiculously obtuse as well...he claimed to be looking for products for us...to turn me on. And shopping for toys doesn't take over an hour - lets be real he visited the back room glory hole and when confronted he admitted it. But that admission was a manipulation to “prove” he was a good person and receive my grateful praise for his honesty.  I also pointed out that toys aren't whats causing the problem...nor what would fix it...and that his actions are whats dwindled desire...and another heaping of bs just made it worse. Of course no toys were produced anyways because he didn’t get any (um cuz he wasn’t there for that) And then being the ass he is he seemed to want credit for confessing in a timely manner. You don't get credit for doing the wrong thing, lying about it and then confessing. Not doing it in the first place is the right thing.6 months ago i might have cried...but Im holding it together for now and Im sorry the wicked asshole came my way.

Casual Encounters at the Movies

Last week another accidental phone peek event led to the discovery that my husband is in high gear cruising the casual encounters on Craigslist. I did not confront him...instead I posted my own ad. It read something like this : to my husband: Yeah, you..5'11 ft with brown hair, eyes, and a moustache. Did you think I didnt know you were still trolling CL looking for sex? I dont care but I do care that you think Im stupid. So get over your own cleverness and stop being a lying jerk. Of course I received numerous responses...surprisingly most were in the "you go girl" vein. Several were hookup offers. A couple were insightful. The only one I continued dialogue with was a man who walked my husbands mile. He lost the love of his life in a disheartening similarity to my situation. He was emphatically forthright and gave me some insight. It was a brief conversation but was impactful.  And yet he had recognized and conquered his moral turpitude. I don't think my husband is driven enough to do that. Until his email I was maintaining my emotionless facade. He cracked it...but as far as I've come the chink was but a pinprick. And gone by the time my husband got home. I look at him and my emotion blanks...while my thoughts run a diatribe in my head...mainly what a douchebag he is! One item of note...we went to the movies again. Once over we got up to leave...as I stepped into the aisle a couple young kids stepped out also so I stopped a moment to let them pass..they turned the other way though...and in those brief seconds my husband said "GO' with impatient rudeness...then actually shoved me from behind on the steps. I immediately addressed it...calmly telling him it was unnecessary to shove me. Of course this pissed him off to where he minimized it telling me I was crazy and a nut job being dramatic about him pushing me...acting on his addiction by trolling CL equals rude encounter at the movies.....

Illusions

I have put my troubles in the foreground of this blog. Im feeling retro today my nod to the obvious question...why have I stayed? From 95 to 06 ish my husband and I had a great relationship filled with love, laughter, and good times. We had no real fights...not even arguments. We enjoyed the same things, the same goals. I loved and admired him and felt loved and taken care of in return. Life was great and so was the sex. He had a stack of porn magazines that I never thought twice about...I had no issues with the 'normal' occasional porn and chalked it up as just that. The first time I realized he was looking at porn on the internet I wasn't bothered by it...just thought it was more normal guy stuff. But this was the year the internet became more prevalent everywhere including our home. As time went by he seemed to be looking more and more until I finally mentioned that maybe it was too much. It was just a talk...I didnt see it as a problem at this point and we were still best friends and lovers...a groundwork laid for years. He cut back for a months close to a year then started creeping on again...spending more and more time on it. Started to have a hair trigger temper as well that involved calling me names and berating me. I didnt check his history...I just knew he was up late a lot. I mentioned it again...and again he cut back. But this time his hiatus was shorter. The abuse and temper worse. Soon he was back at it...and this time he also started to verbally and emotionally abuse me every other day.. I know now that this correlated to his porn addiction but at the time I was confused and hurt and wondered what I had done. I was conflicted still seeing the man I thought I knew in denial about what reality was. The next porn bust I searched his history and realized that far from casual use were literally thousands of pictures...cookies, temporary internet files, emails. This time the argument an argument from my hurt was on. He also became a lewd flirt in public...striking up conversations with any and all decent looking woman at our kids wrestling tournaments.  He also got the hots for the neighbor. After several major fights in a matter of months he started trying the liar avenue...erasing history etc. But I still found the cookies. My confidence dwindled...and with it my desire for sex...I felt unattractive and self doubt became my companion. When we argued my husband learned to skillfully turn it around until I believed I was the one with problems, that I was a bitch, told me it was my fault that he emailed women for sex and that I was being sensitive and all men look at porn. I felt shame. I couldn't talk to anyone..it was too tarnishing. He was eventually apologetic and at times admitted he had a problem but that admission was just to pull me in to his control...I tried to compete but came out feeling I was no match for what he REALLY wanted. I became a doormat...and had no confidence. At one point we again had a huge fight...for the first time the ugly 'D' word got thrown out there. When my husband repented he would cry...unusual for him and hes a construction worker so to see him break down was sucker play...me being the sucker. I still held on to the love I felt and wanted to forgive, to have future dreams with him. Manipulative bastard. I always forgave him, believed his lies, and tried to trust again...it took almost as many years to give up as it did to be great. I've come full circle...I finally realized it wasn't ME...an eye opening book by Lundy Bancroft, a counselor who told me it wasn't me or my marriage that needed work - I needed DV counseling, my dv group, and one on one dv counseling. I couldn't work on him..you can't work on someone else but I did work on me. When I stand up for myself in the face of abuse my husband runs his pattern...first hes righteous...then he turns it on me, gaslights me into thinking I am crazy, then repents, apologizes,  then threatens to leave me destitute and take the kids, physcially pushes me around...all this in his fight for porn, escorts, cl hookups, lies and abuse. I am the love of his life...I no longer think IM the fool...HE IS. But I stay...its complicated...we have kids and run their team sports so our lives are entangled. I don't work so I get to enjoy the kids every day  that leaving would not allow. We have a house that would be hard to sell today. I have three large dogs...cant rent a place with them. Its also hard to walk away when you have laid the groundwork of what you thought was love for years.  I cant help but still see the man I thought I married when he tells me he loves me.. And at times he seems like the man I love much like fools gold looks real. But hes just lying (big sigh). We still enjoy life together at times too. I stay...but my mind has been leaving little bits at a time...if he asks whats wrong I no longer share. I don't wear my wedding ring. I am bland...I've shut it off. And maybe I'm just waiting...for him to come back when in reality there is no him to come back..it was and is an illusion.

The Girl in the Bobby Socks!

So I took a hiatus from blogging...my husband was laid off and at home for 2 weeks so I couldnt regale my blog with my troubled heart and life..if I can say that when I no longer believe in romantic "love". My husband give-eth belief...then take-eth away! And no...I wasnt the girl in the bobby socks. We were at my sons baseball game. As we waited for the game to start my husband went out in an adjoining field to play catch with my other son and his friend. A couple hundred feet away from them, closer to me, I noticed a gal practicing softball with a few people. She had a tight t-shirt on with sizeable boobs. Short shorts. And socks to her knees. Nothing super special...but I laid the bet in my mind that my husband would find a way to strike a conversation with her. I watched as the game got ready to start and they quit playing catch. My son and his friend walked towards where I was sitting...walking a direct line up the sidewalk. Of course my husband veered 75 ft out of his way to the outside of the field...lo and behold he ended up walking literally 3 feet behind the "hot" girl in the field...striking up a conversation. Then stood by the group of strangers regaling them with his humor and comments...especially the girl in the socks. While my other sons game started. Called it...the predictability shows me how many times this has happened. One time I talked to a man sitting in front of me at a baseball game...about baseball..while my husband was sitting behind me. I didnt sit by, or approach, the guy...it was just a short conversation about the team playing. My husband punished me for 4 days for that...anger, silent treatment, berated me. But Im not the Girl in the Bobby Socks. Theres no such thing as love.

Apples and Oranges

I could have posted when I was angry...maybe I didnt because I didnt want to ever revisit the emotion at its peak. But I was very angry. The verbal abuse reached a peak even reaching into physical abuse I refused to accept last week. I left the house to take my sons to a school dance...a 20 minute absence. Less than 10 minutes after I left my cell phone rings...my husband. Him: "hey did you take my cigarettes?" me "no I took mine". him "well mine were on the counter and they're gone so you took them". me "no I did'nt I took mine off the mantle" him "I think you took mine" (yes now his tone is mean, accusatory, rude, and disbelieving). me "I only have one pack with me and its mine off the mantle" him " well mine had like 3 cigarettes in it that you took" me "the only pack I have with me is over a half pack which is the one I had on the mantle" (yes I was a bit testy at this point) him: "thanks for being a fucking bitch" then he hung up on me. When I got home the first thing he did was say sorry, that he'd found his cigarettes. I sat down and told him I appreciated that but it did not excuse him talking to me like that or calling me a fucking bitch and hanging up on me. At first he said I did not call you a bitch...I disagreed and quoted him...he denied again...then said that was after he hung up. I said no it wasn't because you said it then hung up. Then he agreed yes he did call me a fucking bitch. Then said I was a fucking bitch again..but as we went rounds on the subject I could not open his eyes to the way he talked to me...and what a normal conversation would be...such as "hon did you happen to take my cigs?" "no" "could you double check for me" sure...no I dont have them" "ok...Ill see you when you get home in a few minutes". Hmm...he didnt want to hear it. The entire squabble went south from there...whereas my issue was how he spoke on the phone and calling me a bitch he went into a tirade about how I need to look in the mirror, how the entire house walks on eggshells about saying something wrong to me, how I have problems, how I'm a bitch and a cunt, how no wonder my mom didn't love me, how everyone hates me and on, and on. I dissolved I cried ...I started moving into the spare room. He threatened to take all HIS money out of our account. He told me he paid for everything so it was his. That I could go fuck myself and to get the fuck out. Then he begged forgiveness...told me he'd been "better" for weeks. Not so much. When I told him to get away from me he cornered me and wouldn’t let me move. When I tried he pushed me and shoved me to the floor with both hands. I tried to get up but he held me down. My kids were there and my daughter was screaming at him and my son was telling him to get off me. When I gave him specific examples of times he'd been verbally abusive in the last few weeks he accused me of 'logging' incidents. He rolled his eyes, parodied me with sarcasm, belittled me, called me names and refused to listen to the issue at hand. And I told him this was just a last straw...I had let the prior incidents slide and controlled any negative reaction on my part: 1. He offered me to take a shower with him but said I didn't "have to" and it was no big deal. I didn't and when he got out of the shower he said thanks for taking a shower with me you fucking bitch. No comment or response by me- that would lead ;to more abuse. 2. We went to bed planning 'romance'..when I slid into bed he accused me of 'stealing' his blanket...when I said I didn't he called me a bitch said fuck you, pushed me and rolled the other way. I tried to smooth this one over but was rejected. 3. He wanted to watch movie credits so I went to the restroom while he watched...when i came out he was rude and walked away from me and my daughter (over 50') on our way to the car and gave me the silent treatment the rest of the night. I made no comment. 4. I was keeping score at a baseball game...I told him the score but he argued with me (during game in front of others). I tried to explain several times then finally said fine...you must be right. At the end of the game we lost by one run and it was my fault because if Id had the score right he would have coached it differently based on the one run (that I said we had and he said he didnt so it was on him anyways). no comment. 5. cigarettes...I finally say COMMENT! His response to this was how much restraint he displays to me...I asked him in what way or incident did he have to control himself from reacting to something Id done or said to him. He said well I didnt bitch at you because I didnt have clean socks. I dont bitch at you that the dishes arent washed...etc! Is he a fucking idiot?! Sometimes I think so...those are CHORES! And if he wants clean socks he could damn well do some himself once in awhile...comparing that to talking to me like dirt is comparing apples vs oranges.

Cracks in the Facade

Domestic violence education calls this the honeymoon phase. My husband runs this classically...repent, regret, niceness for lack of a better term. It manipulates me into hope based on the love I thought we shared and I still give and feel but don’t receive.  It keeps me off balance and under his control. But with the power of education from my Domestic violence group I see the cracks in his facade. Hes 'sorry' he called me a bitch and a cunt, 'sees' its abusive, shouldn't roll his eyes at me, shouldn't mimic me in insulting parodies, shouldnt push me or force me to give him a hand job, ashamed that he keeps slipping up and looking at porn, admits it affects how he treats me, admits the abuse. He looked up counseling and even talked on the phone to one. But it was too expensive and he doesn't have time. But one day later he never looked again...no follow through. He'll spend days...weeks hunting down porn with single minded determination but gives up on counseling after 15 minutes. So it was just manipulation to pull me back in. While I was out at my DV group meeting he picked up the house and did laundry which he rarely does. When I got home I commented 'thanks so much for putting a dent in it - isn't it amazing how much work you did and it still doesn't look like it?' His response was to berate me for insulting him and all the work he did, and that he shouldn't have bothered 'and so much for thanking him! and of course what a bitch I am - thats really never left out. As if he'd done a vast favor by contributing 1% to our families combined mess. I responded that his rant showed me that in fact he did not do it for me...he did it for HIM...to receive 'credit', praise, and thankfulness from me for what he really should be doing all along. And to follow up on my last post I 'won' my internal bet...he had deleted firefox from his phone when he got home. When I asked him about why he was trying to 'fix' chrome he replied that it bugged him it didnt work. I asked what he came up with as an alternative and he said nothing..so I asked how Firefox was working out for him (lol). He then became furious, called me a bitch, told me I had problems, that he wanted nothing to do with me, and that I wouldnt have to worry about it any more because he was going to look at all the porn he wanted to from then on, and that he was totally sick of me, that I should get the fuck out before he threw me out and hurt my ass when I landed. But he already said that and he already does that. Also that I should get a job because he wasn't going to support me any more. Two days later was when the above 'repent' occurred. I tried to open dialogue to tell him that I AM ocd over being lied to and am in fear of being caught with my pants down again so to speak...being duped, being hurt. But that dialogue never materialized because he was so busy screaming over me telling me what an untrusting bitch I am and how much porn he was going to look at! This morning he woke me with sexual advances...I returned the advances because of the fear...and the hope and love I still harbor.  Within one minute he stopped caressing me and asked "why dont you climb on top of me and do me". I became still then asked him how he could think I was ready to climb on top? This is also an effect of porn...in porn the women are instantly ready for sex and there to gratify his every need. A real live woman requires foreplay, affection and lovemaking. This is how it used to be...a long lead in of kissing and touching...yet every time I respond for mutual lovemaking he abandons his part and asks me to service him. His perception of sex is fashioned by the rewire in his brain from his obsession with porn. Needless to say instead of trying to turn me on he became angry and silent...didnt answer...and got up, slamming the bedroom door behind him as he left the room. He coaches baseball and last night had practice with his team...when he got home all I heard about is how he talked to two of the moms on the team and how much praise they had for what wonderful shape he is in, how much wonderful hair he has, how he doesnt look his age...an egomaniac at best. If I had that conversation and shared with him the world would come to an end in the face of his anger. All cracks in the facade...its not his love its his brain and the way it thinks.

Despicable Him

I am back to the comfort of Anger. If you have a smartphone it will make sense...follow along the trail of crumbs sans Hansel and Gretel ! About a week ago I figured out my husband was using google chromes browser to look at porn, and check a secret gmail account. He has gmail on his phone so the only reason he would need an incognito browser to check his gmail is because he has another account not linked to the one on his phone. As I said in my previous post I confronted him and he claimed he never used chrome blah blah blah. I subsequently blocked chrome on his phone. Because of that he had to use his regular browser which shows his history in google. He spent time almost every day this week looking up ways to unblock google chrome...forums, helps, and even Youtube videos. Of course he had no success and hasnt mentioned it to me. He also checked a gmail account from his browser but I have not had luck figuring out his user name. Today he figured something out...he installed Firefox web browser on his phone...another method to browse secretly. Hes not smart enough to know it shows up on his Google Play history which I can sign into with his phones email. I have not blocked Firefox...I want to see if he still has it on his phone when he gets home...Id lay a hundred spot that he doesnt...or if he does it wont have any history on it...yet the only reason he would install it is to USE it! Is my behavior OCD...somewhat...but I want to know if Im being lied to nowadays rather than believing face value as I have...shuffing off the patsy in me. We also had an interesting small squabble last night. I occasionally watch a show called Gigolos. Its on record to dvr but its been repeats so I havent watched it. Its a reality show about a few working gigilos in Vegas. Its mainly talking and situational but does have about 3-4 minutes of light porn per episode. My husband saw that it recorded and had a fit because "he cant watch porn but i can" then he threw the remote at me and told me to stay up and he went to bed. However....I dont record every porn show cinemax offers. I dont stay up late and masturbate to it and I don’t choose it over sex with him. I dont make lists of hookers I can call. I dont browse porn on an incognito browser on my phone. I dont call escorts on Backpage. And I dont lie about looking at it. I dont hide it and pretend Im not doing something that I am...other than this blog. How despicable of him.

Hindsight is 20/20

For several weeks my husband has been "behaving". Thats not to say he isn't lying - I know he is. However he is keeping blatant verbal and emotional abuse in check. This momentary peace is deceiving. Looking back I remember so much abuse and in my new perspective can now see it for what it was. 7 years ago we were running a self employed trucking business. During the summer the kids and I went along. I can remember that whole summer he would insist we go along. Within an hour he would start verbally ripping into me for some slight thing. I remember time after time staring out the window with tears rolling down my face. One time our auxiliary pump wouldn't work. He started screaming at me asking what I had done. and what a stupid bitch I was that I fucked it up. I hadn't touched it actually. I cried that but he said I was a lying fucking bitch. Then he said to shut the fuck up and quit fucking crying and that I was stupidly sensitive. At first my husband was aware I was crying..all the time, ..every time...I eventually learned that him knowing I was crying escalated the abuse and emotional abuse tangled with the verbal abuse until he was not only yelling and berating me but bashing my emotion as well. I learned to let the tears roll silently...without a whimper. I would try to refuse to go on the next trip but he would insist..pretty much bully me into it furious if I refuse. And the same thing would happen...a vicious cycle. This happened in successive years as well. At the time I was so hurt and confused I didnt recognize it for what it was - abuse. Around the same time we had our first real fight...over a neighbor he lusted for....and porn. Correlation at its finest. Hindsight IS 20/20.

I Cry Alone

Im sad...I prefer anger. Anger feels strong. Defiant. Resolved. Sadness feels weak. Resigned. Unresolved. My childhood was devoid of love. It was harsh and lonely. In spite of it when I met my husband I discovered I still had dreams. I could still love. I could trust. I believed in heroes. I could still believe in people. I am so incredibly sad sometimes its hard to explain...not for what my husbands done but for what he took from me...my trust, my dreams, my hopes my confidence. So I cry sometimes...alone. In the shower.. When no one is home. I cant share my sadness...how can he understand when he took so much from me? Im a cynic now. Thank goodness depression doesnt stick on me or I would always feel lost....as I do today.

Chrome for Dummies

So a couple of times now Ive told my husband that I know he uses Chromes incognito browser to look at porn. He lies about it. I let it go. The first time he denied even knowing chrome was a browser or had incognito. The second time he told me he doesn't use it and its there for his google+ ...I told him I have google + and I don't have chrome so you don't need it for that as he claimed. Anyways he said he NEVER uses chrome. So I blocked it again...and you know what? At 530 am he spent all his time on the regular browser on his phone googling how to unblock google chrome. Hmmm...if he never uses it why would he even know it was blocked let alone spend 40 minutes before work, and before I get up, trying to unblock it? A rhetorical question at best. And typically he bitches no end when something on his phone doesnt work...yet hasnt mentioned chrome at all...because he knows that would beg the question "I thought you didnt use Chrome?". And I would know the answer...but how can the dummy think I dont already know? But I let it pass...I have to if I don't want to be screamed at, called names, and told what a terrible person I am.

What I Dont Have

Interesting thing about secrets is that they are usually somthing you wish someone didnt know and rarely something no one knows. My husband is so unselfaware he doesnt see that his viewing of porn and escorts affects how he treats me and his reactions...so even if I dont find evidence hes using I can sense it. Here are some instances in my day to day life. Several nights ago we were watching tv...my husband said he was going to smoke a cig then take a shower. I decided to put something sexy on while he was in the shower because I still work at this relationship because apparently Im not that bright. I waited a half hour and he still hadnt gone to shower...it was already an hour past his usual time and he was on his phone so I went in the bedroom and changed then laid down to wait....and wait...finally falling asleep after an hour. Then he comes to bed and wakes me up and asks if Im going to ride him...doesnt touch me..just asks. When I tell him Im too sleepy now he gets angry says fuck you and flops over. Once morning rolls around he wants 'serviced' and when I dont give it he shove s his penis in my face until he gets it....and later that morning we argued because he stated he never said anything about a shower or bedtime...then when I quoted him he admitted to saying something similar. That would be gaslighting. Fast forward to the next night...he says hes going to bed and I reply 'me too' to which his response is 'what the fuck...youre just going because I said I was" and this was said angrily and meanly and like what the fuck does it matter anyway?. So fine I said....Ill stay up. I ended up sleeping on the couch. What would it matter if we went to bed at the same time? It would interfere with his private time with his phone. So now we're at last night. We went to a movie. At the end when the credits were rolling I told him I was going to the rest room..he told me to chill out and sit down...I waited a few more minutes and finally asked how much of the credits he wanted to watch. He said he wanted to see the music credits....I told him he could look that up on his phone and that I would just go to the restroom and meet him when I came out so he wouldnt have to wait for me...."whatever" he replied. When I came out he was walking towards me but then turned and went out the door and proceeded to walk 50 feet in front of me and my daughter all the way to our car. I was given the silent treatment the entire hour drive home and the rest of the night. Its interesting that before the movie I was trying to tell him something and he interrupted, and ignored, me 3 times...I wasnt happy about it but didnt grudge him more than 3 minutes before I let it go and kissed him and tried to give the love I want to give but he rejects. Such a differential. I also know hes using google chrome incognito to browse on his phone. He says he never uses it...but I blocked it twice and each time he had uninstalled then reinstalled to get it working. Its disheartening. Once upon a time I was so proud... i had found true honest love, passion, and reciprocation...what I didnt know was that I had really married a liar and none of that was what i had..

Letters

In my endless quest to understand and come to terms with the hopeless indirection life has dealt me I discovered yet another site that gives me both enlightenment and sadness. Using my own words I gave my husband a letter.... To my husband: I love you. You can be wonderful man, a friend. I love your humor, enthusiasm, confidence, body, smile, and spirit. But....I am lost, hurt, afraid. I want to run screaming. I want to feel confident, safe, secure, beautiful, worthy, and respected. I used to feel that way...you used to make me feel that way. Before porn, lies, escorts, phone calls, verbal abuse, name calling, threats, and emails for sex. Before I knew porns hold. I tried to understand it...for us. I tried to laugh it off. I watched it with you sometimes. I tried to believe when you said it was me you wanted. I cried in bed while you sat up at night looking at other women. I tried convincing myself it wasn't a big deal...while I checked the computer and your phone, revisiting all the pages you looked at. I tried to think I was imagining it...being unreasonably suspicious...tried to believe your lies. I tried to be sexy in fancy lingerie. Tried harder not to feel unattractive. Tried not to think of my imperfect body and compare myself to the images you desired. I tried changes in bed and participated in new things to try to make you happy. I lost weight. I tried not to overreact when I knew time apart was time you spent looking at porn...or calling escorts,emailing women.. I tried to give you all the forgiveness I had. I tried other things too. I tried tried looking at you with disgust and revulsion, tried to hate you. I tried to catch you...checking your phone,computer, shed, car for evidence....and found it. I tried talking, yelling, crying, and silence. I am so tired of trying. I wish you could see how porn destroys us...how it changes you. I wish you realized when I ask you questions I more often than not already know the answers. I wish the lies were not so easy for you. I wish you could carry the burden of sadness in my heart. I wish you wouldn't get so angry, mean, abusive and defensive when I talk to you about porn and the things you've done. I wish you wouldnt jump to porns defense and call me a bitch and a whore....i wish you would fight for me as passionately as you fight for porn. i love you...but dont trust you. Our sex is marred with countless faces, bodies, and acts that have nothing to do with me or us. When we married you said "forsaking all others" which I now know was a lie. But I cant disappoint you either...cant walk away...cant hurt you or our children, our family. Not yet. I feel hopeless, afraid, weak, out of my mind, ugly, ashamed, old, used, sad, depleted, desperate, angry, hurt...of ni value. Sometimes I dont feel it...but I am: Your wife. I enabled comments and welcome them..and friends. As a new blogger I missed the settings but I think Im figuring it out!

Pull It

Some days seem better than others but beneath the surface lurks imbalance. My husband went out of his way to be charming but under the charm are more lies....and more porn. When you search porn addiction on google sometimes you find comments (from men of course) that looking is "normal" and men are "visual"...but they confuse average occasional looking with TRUE addiction. For someone in my situation my husbands porn addiction progressed...from mild to wild to perverted to teen girls to actual contact with paid providers of sex. My husband is full of righteousness claiming to have been "good"...in reality hes just lying about looking...after all when I type in the letter m on my phone autocomplete does not bring up milf ! After the charming day yesterday we mutually initiated sex....several minutes later he was yet again asking me to "pull on his cock"...this is what porn does...makes a man want serviced...even when we do have sex hes a stud I should be grateful to...which is about HIM. Needless to say we ended up not having sex and after him bullying me and berating me I felt forced to pull on his cock to save myself from abuse...and my desire dwindles.  But what does that matter? Pulling on his cock has nothing to do with making me desire him.

Daily Grind

Its well published that porn addicts and porn itself objectifies women. My husband is obsessed with porn. Obsessed with other women. If we are out he leers at women. He initiates conversation with strange women frequently and without me. The truth of this is exemplified by my husbands treatment of me. When we are in bed he initiates sex with stroking or 'grinding' on me. No words. No affection. ....if I allow it to progress sex follows...not at any satisfaction for me...only him. He often can't achieve ejaculation with intercourse and has to be finished by hand. If I respond by stroking him back on the chest or kissing him he immediately stops touching me, rolls onto his back, and lays there. If I am affectionate longer than 30 seconds his inattention is followed by a request to "do him" or pull on his cock. Lately I have begun to just stop as well...and then...nothing. I have shared my desire for mutual sex and my need to feel  and be loved to have sex...but no sign that he considers my desire. Nor does he ask when this happens...we both just roll over and go to sleep. Mutual sex involves each other...two people. I think my husband prefers sex that involves just him. In the morning he just gets up and masturbates. This is how porn affects your thinking...and your wife.

Monday

I find that what has happened affects what does happen. My limits are smaller and less is more. My husband is 'working' on our marriage but what he really needs to work in is himself. Hes being supportive, patient and loving but there are cracks in the facade. One particular day he was sweet, romantic, and loving...he built up all day with promises of what he would do to me, and for me, that night. I was excited and "feeling" it -not always easy these days. When we finally made it to bed I crawled in ready to receive the lavish promises...and my husband screamed at me that i was stealing all the blanket ! I defended myself saying I didn't get in to take the blanket and pushed the blanket off me and onto him...which made him angry and he rolled over onto his back saying I killed the mood and that I was a “fucking lazy bitch” I stroked him in the chest for several minutes but with no return affection or touch I stopped soon enough...at which point he asked me to 'suck on his cock'. So much for promises...and no I didnt...because of the lead in not because I dont. Most of the time if I refuse to suck his cock will result in him calling me bitch. Last night we were both heading to bed when again he asked for sme to "do" him. No touch. No kindness. When i said no he decided to watch "working girls in bed" though he lied and said it was life on top...my replacement. This is a day in my marriage....not a day in my life. and its decidedly just plain dumb.

My Husbands Secrets

I begin this blog thinking it may provide catharsis...or perhaps as a means of anonymously tracking my troubles or looking for judgement, advice, or peers. I only know for sure that the idea appealed enough for me to initiate it.

Before I can advance to timeline blogging its necessary to explain what brought me here...to:

My Husbands Secrets

My husband and I met in July 1995. We hit it off in what was, for me, an unprecedented way. My eventual husband was seeing someone but was not sleeping with her...her choice, and in hindsight maybe why the door was open for me. He cut it off with her instantly. Perhaps there were signs of my husbands eventual secrets but I had no education in watching for such things so I only knew what was in front of me. The only hint I see in retrospect is that after we started dating the other girl decided she had made a mistake and gave my then boyfriend an love 'offer' letter...he refused her but never let me see or know the contents of that letter. Of course I felt flattered...Id been 'chosen' but since she lived next door I had wanted to know her total threat value...but I let it go. My husband gave her two Lion King stuffed toys for her girls. He said nothing. When she sent a pie I returned it - and he was offended on her behalf.

We moved in together, bought a house and two years later married. Our relationship, jobs, lives, marriage flourished for almost a decade. We moved to a bigger house and in 1998 had our first of 3 planned children. We were happy and proud of it.

The first discord between us came in 04 when I was pregnant with our last child. With hormones raging I was in a perpetual state of desire...but by month 3 my husband wanted no sex with me ...this has happened with my other pregnancies but not until the last couple months. Eventually I gave up and squashed my resentment and hurt chalking it up to my pregnancy appearance but looking back I see the first chink in our relationship armor.

Those years were hectic, fun, busy, and stressful at times with children and a business but through it we got along. But in 06 life...my husband...turned a corner. He began to stay up late then get up in the middle of the night then get up early. What started out once a week became 3 times a week until almost every night. At first I was oblivious...over time he began verbally abusing me, then emotionally. Of course I eventually stumbled upon his internet activities...porn, escort companies, cheating sites,emailing women for sex. I was okay with it at first when it was just porn - I thought well guys look - but it became so much more - and at a time I had no idea there was anything wrong with it or our marriage.  I confronted him and he backed off but every few months, and sometimes weeks, he was back at it...until another confrontation. And each time the habit was exponentially worse and the verbal abuse, name calling was worse with it. Years slipped by and I always forgave and believed in us.

Somehow at the same time he developed an obsession with a cute neighbor. As I was also friends with her, and her husband, I didnt notice the signs until it became too obvious to ignore. She separated from her husband. My husband had stopped by her house to buy some things they were selling...when he got home he was in a fury because she had 'ignored' him. He went there after he had been gone for a day and a half - he went to her house first. A flag went up inside me but I didnt fully fly it...I was still in a place of misplaced trust, hurt and self blame. When the neighbors house foreclosed we let her store some of her stuff at our house...when her husband stopped by and asked for some small items that were obviously his I gave them to him. His wife then came over and was arguing with my husband about what I'd done...when I came to his defense he literally yelled at me that it was none of my business and to go back in the house! Eventually her new boyfriend showed up unexpectedly to pick up her things on a summer day...shortly after I received a call from my husband berating me, calling me a whore, a bitch and accusing me of dressing like a slut for the boyfriend because I was in shorts and a tank top in July...reported by the  neighbor gal he was so enamored with of course. Even with all the porn and sex addict stuff with the verbal abuse this shocked me. New to this I believed. I tried.  But..This is when my hero showed he had feet of clay...and my flag became fully blown and I recognized all the signs that had been there all along but I had ignored in a sheath of trust. We nearly broke up...I wish we had. Once confronted he begged, pleaded, and promised and we stayed together. He admitted a sexual obsession with her. And in that moment he did improve...for a while. Maybe in part because she moved away...his optional obsession was no longer available.

Since then I can only say I have ridden the roller coaster of my husbands verbal abuse, emotional abuse, porn addiction, obsessions, lying, hiding, and a multitude of problems over and over again. Each time he was 'caught' he would lie. We would argue. He would scream what a bitch I was and I....just took it. Cried. Then he'd apologize and behave...for awhile. At first he lasted over a year, then 9 months and then less and less and time slipped by. But in reality each time he went back the problems magnified...looking at naked women progressed to more explicit porn, orgies, teen girls, shemales - then progressed to 'escort' advertisements. I also found emails to women for sex locally. God only knows what I didnt find. In 09 I had had enough and moved him into our spare room where he remained for several months. After a 'good' spell we 'reconciled' and were back in our room together. I couldn't see myself the same way. I had a sense of shame for being such a patsy. He made it all seem like my fault - even though our sex life was good and we'd been great together. I struck up a friendship online...no not a hookup...not a flirtation...not even a sharing of the horrible problems of my marriage. A little brother type of friendship with a terminally ill cancer patient...a sense of  perspective and normalcy in an otherwise friendless life. We talked on an anonymous site for several weeks - never emailed or phone - .this was in 2010. My husband discovered it and melted down...threatening to leave me! The double standard overwhelmed me...my friendship was not only innocent but had been perpetuated by a life I could barely deal with any more. Nonetheless I immediately ceased contact...forever, and my husband and I agreed to be honest, work on our marriage, and neither would step outside these boundaries to hurt the other ever again. My husband used this event to assuage his own behavior...now he could forever point to my own faults.

But I had learned something...to trust my gut - and not my husband. In January of 2012 I discovered he was looking at 'escort' ads in Backpage. When I confronted him he said it was just 'curiosity' and he would never do it again. But in May 2012 I found that he was not only still looking but had even CALLED 2 escorts to make arrangements for sex ! Again at this time we had an active sex life and were getting along. Again I confronted him...the new theme of my life. I also talked to the escorts so I had solid information to go on which made his lies that much more blatant. He had also asked a friend to lie for him and say he was at their house when he wasnt going to be...he changed his mind at the last minute and stayed home but the ground had been planted and I'm sure other times he was supposedly at her house he actually wasn't. I demanded he tell me about the phone calls...at first he denied even calling bold faced lying but when I told him I had called the phone numbers he stuttered and eventually confessed. He got angry first and we yelled at each other but he tried to hug me and when I said no he forced himself on me. And he can look me straight in the eye and lie with his last breath. We discussed his conversations with the hookers...and since there's a fee there's no doubt that's what this really was. He claimed it wouldnt happen again. As always. My respect, trust, and view of him is of course altered. But still...I believed I loved him. I forgave him. Things got better for awhile. I thought we had a chance and I gave him love and support all over again. Time passed...as did the horror of his actions. We started to get along...though I had my moments of utter sadness and meltdown but they became infrequent as it slid into the past. I don't have the confidence after years of being verbally abused to know if my nature is forgiving or if I am just dumb or easily manipulated by a narcissist.  On my birthday in October he picked a fight with me (of course he didnt know it was my birthday) and went to Hooters. In November of 2012 I intercepted an email from him to a woman on craigslist...he was looking for sex again...he had requested (and received) her pictures and location. He quit looking at porn on the home computer...he had discovered the virtues of cell phone internet service. In the past year he has increased his sexual phone activity tenfold. . I found male sexual enhancement pills in our spare room. Two weeks ago I found a list of 30+ phone numbers for Denver backpage hookers hidden in his winter boots - when I confronted him at that time and asked for honesty he chose what and what NOT to tell. Lying by omission is another tactic to gaslight me. The list was coded with stars (1,2 or 3!), cost, hair color, names ...and one starred as high interest was a transsexual. Yesterday I found a jelly vagina hidden in the spare room. Yes I have started counseling...and joined a group. My husband doesn't hit me but he pushes me, forces me, corners and traps me, and sometimes throws things and raises his fist...but the verbal and emotional abuse is internally painful. He can be mean - often. He can just come home from work and start screaming at me about laundry calling me a bitch and a cunt to where I often dont ask or do things out of fear of his reaction or mood swings.

Why do I stay? I dont have good solid answers...sometimes I wish he would not be 'sorry'...just something that would be off the middle of the fence. I've been bullied so long I lack confidence in my ability to be on my own. He's threatened to committ suicide at times. Threatened to take custody of our kids, leave me destitute...the list goes on. Hes a good buddy to my sons...typical of abusers but doesn't parent them at all. He gives them pot and alcohol.  I like the rest of my life and the benefits...I like my husband - when I can see the man I married. But I doubt that I KNOW who I married. Either way at this point in time I remain...it is what it is. Did I ask for it....a resounding NO! I have been sexual, loving, supporting, non nagging, and I am physically attractive...in fact a patsy as it turns out...I believe its referred to as enabling at least after the first couple times. But I set boundaries- why did I believe he was actually trying though? Will I leave him if it happens one more time - YES. Does he know this? YES. My life is a book: "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. If anything sounds similar in your life I recommend it - if you can handle it. Its saddening but for me knowledge is empowering - my husbands thinks its righteous - and he is wrong.

So now...I can blog from today forward.