Non Reunion

 For the first time in 26 years I am not attending my husbands semi annual family reunion in his home town. This marks a turning point. Distancing myself from his family. But the backbone of reasons don’t pertain to the distancing. For 6+ years he has screamed at me every time he’s angry- which is a LOT- that his family hates me. Thinks I’m a bitch. Doesn’t like me. He usually leaves me on my own the majority of the time while he goes and smokes weed with his cousins. I don’t have a problem with it but it doesn’t make for much fun since I’m not close to HIS aunts and uncles that are left. When the kids were young I was just a babysitter. 2 reunions ago he made a display of screaming at me in front of half the family at his uncles kitchen counter. We can’t go 10 miles in a car together without him starting some sort of nitpicking at me let alone a 2 hour drive. At the last reunion he made a point of telling me he shit talked about me to his cousins wife - the one I’ve had to watch him drool over in infatuation for 10 years of reunions. He failed to tell her he was cheating of course. Then we have his toxic nasty enabling flying monkey sister who is there who laughed with him about his girlfriend and how his girlfriend showed me up so to speak so yeah- don’t ever want that kind of person in my life again. So we have undertones of me being uncomfortable because per him no one likes me. We have his lies portraying me as a bitch because he doesn’t own his cheating, abuse and lying. We have me not wanting to end up detracting from the kids and him enjoying it with him starting shit with me. And I have me not wanting to pretend life is something it’s not. According to him it’s only uncomfortable because I changed my Facebook name back to my maiden name - rather than the fact that he hasn’t treated me like a wife for over 8 years and after he had a whole girlfriend for months and said he was completely done with me is why I changed it. Part of me is sad about not going. I thought this would be the last time I would see all these people that have been somewhat a part of our lives for 26 years. Instead the last time I saw them is the last time I’ll see them. That’s hard.  So anyways the kids left last night. He was insistent he wanted to go out after he worked on our girls car. When he came in I was a bit reluctant as he seemed to want to go to a bar - it’s always a bar rather than just us. I suggested ice cream. He got edgy and pouty about that so I got dressed for a bar. He had no plan then suggested a local place so we headed there. On the way just he randomly asks if he calls me tomorrow night (from the reunion) if I will answer. I said yeah but why would you call me? He said because I want to hear your voice and because we have trust issues. It’s hard to explain but he has been making snide remarks about me going out while he’s gone for a couple weeks. That may be what he would do but it’s not me. And he doesn’t want to hear my voice - he wants to check on me. To acknowledge my feelings this irritates me because I deal with his suspiciousness almost daily when HE’S the cheater and I have never cheated! I resent defending myself when he has cheated multiple times and I haven’t. I didn’t get excited or mad but I shared my sentiment calmly. As we got to the bar about 5 minutes after finishing this conversation he drove past saying he didn’t want to go because of my attitude. I didn’t respond but had already talked to him normally about mundane topics and continued to. He then blames me for us not going. Regardless we went home. He expresses some regret about not having left for the reunion. He ragged on me for not having the right amount of enthusiasm for going out. He then said he stayed and wasn’t “even gonna get laid”. So I said fine let’s go now. He said he didn’t mean it that way. What other way? Again let that slide too. We went to bed. Started having sex. Then he starts trying to put hickys on my neck. I don’t care for my neck sucked on but I also know the only reason he wanted to do so was again - suspicion. Hickys as chastity belts. More projection. Gross. Also as 50 year olds I don’t think we need childish bruises on our necks. I stopped him and he said “what are you scared of”. I asked what as if I didn’t hear but it’s just more of the same. He finished getting laid - by hand of course since nothing else works for him. He asked if I was sleeping with him. I said yes if you can not grind on me all night (he grind gropes and grunts all night when I sleep with him). He said fine and we slept. At 4 he gets up and turns on the light. His alarm goes off a couple times. I end up getting up too. I go out to the kitchen where he’s at and say “oh I didn’t realize it was 430” and with a pissy tone he says “you told me not to fuckin wake you up” . No I didn’t I answered. Yes you did you said not to grind on you. I said those are two different things. He says well god forbid we have sex before I leave. I’m like - are you really bitching about sex we just had last night. This is why I don’t want to - no matter what we do it’s never enough and you always rag on me about it after we have sex. That kind of ended there and he finished getting ready to leave. He went outside to do whatever. Kisses me bye.I struggle going back to sleep when I’m fully awakened. I turned on my light and got up and got some water and took a couple Tylenol then got back into bed. A minute later he comes back in the house and in my room and says with a tone“you don’t have to hurry and turn the light back off” as if I’m what - sneaking my light on? Not allowed to turn my light on then off? In my head I was like what the fuck? Out loud I said what? What’s your problem? I took Tylenol! He didn’t answer as he walked out the door. That’s it. Another exhausting 12 hours for little reason. He still doesn’t have that therapist he needs either. He’s still checking out dating profiles on Facebook too. It supports my decision not to go. But it doesn’t make it easier. I miss being there and being proud of our kids. I miss being proud of my husband though that’s been 8 plus years. I miss seeing some of his extended family that’s genuine. But the risk and the needs outweigh it. Sadly.

Scare Crow

 This is a morning I have to acknowledge how afraid of him I am. I was sleeping. Completely out when I awoke to fingers aggressively touching my genital area. It was him. I pushed his fingers away as I struggled to wake up not quite sure what was happening. I pushed at his hand and mumbled no but he didn’t stop. He was half on top of me from behind and I was afraid of his anger so I became still. He kept touching me. I touched his cock and pulled hoping to make his ejaculate so he would stop.I rolled over on my back and he grabbed my underwear and pulled them off hard. I turned to the side but he pulled me back and got on top and tried to put his cock in me. I asked if he had a rubber. He mumbled that he wanted to put it in me and tried to force it in. I grabbed it with my hand and stopped it. Asked again if he had a condom while he pushed his cock at my genitalia as my hand held it from going in. Then he rolled onto hi back finally stopping. I got up and went to the bathroom and he left the room while I was peeing. I was shaking. It felt like rape. Intimidation. He came back in the room a few minutes later and yelled at me for a full minute saying “fuck you”. And how his duck isn’t diseased and he thinks I’m diseased and should be tested. And how he’s going on all the dating sites because I rejected him. More fuck you’s. Then he slammed my door and left my room. A few minutes later he came back. Again yelling at me saying I’m fucking a whole bunch of guys. And how I should because I’m free to. And he’s going on the sites. And he’s sick of me rejecting him (we’ve had consensual sexual contact twice in the few days prior). Again he slammed the door and left the room. Again he returned a few minutes later. This time threw a rubber at me and told me here you go / go fuck another guy. Then he said “ I hope you find somebody so you can fuck fuck fuck cuz that’s all you really want” as he violently slapped his hands together over me while I laid in bed. He then said fuck you several times and parodied as if I’d said his duck was diseased  and said after this morning he would give his dick to someone else. Then he said fuck you a few more times and said “you wonder why we’re going to get a divorce..right here” then he slammed the door and left the room again. Then he came in again and said I was on “websites-you’re off meetme and tagged but not the others”. I replied I’m not on any others (truth). He said I might as well be and said he was sick of this rejection bullshit. I said I had wanted a rubber. He replied in parody again “get a rubber get a rubber” “your condoms in here so go find a dick to put it in I’m sure you’ve already got plenty lined up” then he slammed the door again as he left. He came back one more time to say the same then left again slamming my door. In all of this I spoke only twice. As above and once I told him I was sorry he felt that way and that he had said before he understood and was ok with using condoms.. he said that was “before”. But I didn’t ask before what. He told me don’t ever fkn touch him again and that it meant nothing. I kept my voice low those two times as well. I recorded it. Even in that he admits I said no and had to push him away and close my legs. He gets super mad when I say he scares me. This scared me. 

No Answer

 So after all last night I kept the peace and had sex with him because it’s what he wanted…demanded..and part of his anger. No I don’t like to reward poor behavior but the alternative is more drama. But he was still upset - because I didn’t cum. Neither did he but I wasn’t mad about it. It’s because sex isn’t about me it’s about his ego. So this morning I woke and a few minutes later he opened my door. “Hey” I said. No answer. A few minutes later I went and told him in his bathroom  I called the tow company and had to drop keys. No answer. Then I told him in the kitchen I had someone coming to look at the pasture. Still no answer. But I’m me. I’m not that offended and also non confrontational about mundane stuff. Also it’s seeking a reaction I won’t and don’t care about giving. He’s stewing and I assume it’s just leftover from last night. A common post sex occurrence - then wonders why I’m not in the mood? Well besides all the cheating. And if I didn’t answer 3 times - he would have already started in on me - saying “what you’re not talking now” or “ oh so that’s how it is”. He also sent some inflammatory rude texts last night too- and didn’t get one rise out of me . I’m proud of that!

Instigating

 Yeah so he bought me flowers. I told him they were beautiful and thanked him. I was in the middle of cooking dinner at the stove. A few minutes later he says “I guess I don’t get a kiss tonight”. So I kissed him. 

Fast forward post dinner watching a movie. Just sitting on the couch together. He’s nodding off which is fine- I never get mad that he falls asleep- he’s a working man. 40 minutes in and he suddenly says “how come you never want to touch me?”. Well I have touched him the past few days - not a ton but I have. I also kissed him earlier and the past couple days. And I stated that. We’ve hugged. But he can’t just sit there in peace with each other. And now he’s made it uncomfortable. But it slides. Then he goes out on the deck to smoke and I’m still on the couch. A commercial comes on and I go on my phone 20 seconds then put my phone down when commercial ends. He walks in and says “don’t put your phone down for me” and I reply “I’m not the commercial is over”. So he sits down. Then a few minutes later “are you still texting anyone” “on meetme?”. That was enough for me. I replied that I was tired of the same question - he’s asked it repeatedly and I was the first one to delete not just the apps but my profile..and I barely used any of those dumb sites - I tried them cuz he’s been hooking up on them for years. Anyways he’s like “why you blowing up” and I’m like “I’m not blowing up at all just because you want to nitpick all night and then blame me for responding”. I Then I went to my room. He yelled “way to be grateful for the flowers as He went to his room and violently slammed the door. Later he knocked. I answered. Again he starts in about how he’s scared to ask a question - I said we’ve already been over all this multiple times. I also told him I just wanted to sit together in peace. Then he starts again with why don’t you touch me - same old answer - well you’ve slept with other women and it’s hard but I’m getting better and trying. Which made him mad - “yeah go with that” then stomped off again. I wasn’t mad just irritated so it chilled after that - both of us separate again.

None of Your Business

 Documenting the sequence of events is preventative medicine for gaslighting. In that light my husband swears up and down he will never cheat...again. And has not looked at women. And in a detailed breakdown of his day failed to mention key facts. One being that he searched social media (IG) for his sidepiece Shonnie. Two he also searched for another skank he slept with on the internet - like background check sites. And 3 he paid 20 wasted bucks to do a search on me, his wife, looking for social media accounts, hidden pictures, blah blah. And found nothing because theres nothing to find. and even if there was what I was doing while he was screwing 4 chicks wouldnt really be his business would it?

Old Fool

 I really thought I had a grip on my cynicism. On the one hand I didn't believe any ofc his new professions of love and faithfulness. But upon being presented with it as fact I was highly disappointed in myself in realizing some part of me was buying the whole "I'm never gonna be that guy again/I'm never gonna cheat again" bs I've been fed time after time. found out that while he did get rid of the common find a woman apps I knew of it was only to hide out on some new ones. Kik for starters. Where hes visited some live nasty stream. Then he also joined "hottie". A site born for unfaithful no integrity creeps. Also of note is I realized hes been taking an old phone to work. I asked him for it - its my old phone after all. He said he didnt have it (lied). Then wanted credit for coming clean right away and saying he took it because I aske for it and today was the first day. It wasn't the first day. More lies. I realized he takes it because he thinks I have all his email passwords on his phone...even though I don't. And he's changed them and has new email. At one time I had two passwords because he used MY old phone - but that was 6 months ago. Anyways he takes the old phone so he can hotspot it to his current phone so he can hide what hes doing. Like trying to 'investigate' my phone number to find me cheating. And he won't. Because I never have. Jerk. Projecting as always. But the main part is I actually bought a little of his bs. No fool like and old fool. Me.

How Far is Too Far

 I dont even know where to begin on this one. Hes been verbally abusive on and off since Tennessee. Then has showed anger because I havent been interested in sex...after being berated daily for being lazy, or unappreciative etc.. He came home one day angry. I dont even know what hi reason was. He yelled at me that he was sick of me. It. Everything. I retreated and stayed quiet. He went on to his dating sites and texting one of the chicks hes hung out with regularly behind my back. The end result is he stated that "all bets were off" and that he was going to see whoever he wanted and didnt give a shit what I did. After all these years of being alone and loyal I finally said fine. I let him know I would also being going on dating sites and putting my profile out there. And I did. And as typical hypocritical bs the next day he was irate. He was upset and didnt like my profile out there. He changed his mind about the 'open' marriage...even though hes been dating on these sites for years. I didnt agree though I did delete my profile off one website - not for him but for me. he said he was going to go off all of them...but he didnt go off any at that point. This was towards the end of June. On July 6 2021 he did it - he went too far. Things had been fine for a few days. No fights. Some tension as he would come home and barely speak but calm. On July 4th we went and watched fireworks just the two of us and it went well. Then came July 6th. The rude and strange texts started first thing in the morning. He harassed me all day sending 25 texts that were rude and accusatory as if I were the cheater not him. He sent 30 texts altogether. He called 11 times - I didnt answer. I texted him back 8 on sentence texts and two emojis - all non confrontational and all non inflammatory. When I got home I said Hi to him and then went straight to my room locking the door. Within a couple minutes he started yelling through the door telling me to come out. That I had to talk to him. That I was pissing him off. i kept telling him that I just wanted peace. To leave me alone. He started yelling fuck you and then picked my lock and shove the door open. I was on my bed and asked him why he would pick my lock and barge in and that he had no right to just barge in my door. He said he had a right to be in there if he wanted and he could fucking open the door if he wanted and locking it pisses him off. I replied that I was not going to fight with him and headed to the bathroom but he ran after me and shoved his arm and foot in the door before I could get it closed. I said "leave me alone" and then I repeated "out" several times but he refused. He tried to trap me by blocking the door way and holding the door but I dodged under one of his arms and ran out the door then out the bedroom door while he chased me. I closed the bedroom door behind me but again he put his arm in the doorway to stop me this time getting his arm hit by the door when I tried to close it. I ran to the bathroom and made it in and locked the door. He continued to yell at me and I didn't answer. After he kept yelling I just responded to leave me alone. I called my son to hurry home - not to involve him but I knew his presence would deter my husband from continuing to bully, chase and scare me. Then my "husband" said "alright Jenn you wanna play this game I'm calling 911 and you're going to jail. Fuck you.". And then he called them. Attempting to use the police for vengence. He even told the 911 operator that he caught me cheating and texting a guy and that's what started the whole argument. Which is a lie. He couldn't catch me if he tried or used a PI - because I'm not and never have. He judges me on his standards. Projects his actions on me. Anyways the police showed up. Our son was home by then. The truth made sense and only by my grace did HE not go to jail. The video would have sealed his fate. The only reason I didn't is because my son didn't want him to go to jail. And my daughter was home by then. Neither wanted the financial problems that would follow either. I agreed on that part. And in all the times he's been out of control and scary I have always stayed conscious of the damage that can heap on us. My son kept saying we cant afford it. When we were waiting for police my husband kept trying to get me to agree to a story...a lie. To keep "us" out of jail. He also kept going off and getting pissy every minute but my son who is 20 was getting through to him to stop. When the police came I told the truth. Mostly. I didn't show the video.  That would have put him in jail. The officer I spoke with asked repeatedly if I was intimidated - I was but i didn't confirm it. I was crying. My husband told them I was faking and playing victim. His behavior is frightening. And upsetting. He then lied to the police also telling them he "caught me texting and cheating". Later he claimed this is because he saw a TikTok I made about me texting some guy and missing texting him. Problem with that is I never made any such TikTok. My videos are either joke...or my truth. Often both. But never outright lies and since I never missed texting some guy I wouldn't have made a video about it. But he also fails to bring up all the videos about things he's done. He wants to think its wrong for me to share my story...if he didn't want that story out there then he shouldn't have done the things he did. As a side note I did make a TikTok joke about big feet and he has gone on about it over and over about how its about me giving head to a guy with a big dong - and it literally says nothing like that and is only a slightly raunchy joke on the old wives tale of big feet meaning...well big dong. The caption is "when he shows up with 13.5 shoe size" with the song "this the part where I'm gonna get hurt". Its pretty funny. And anyways its old - I made it while he had a whole girlfriend and a couple other side pieces so I don't know what business it is of his anyways - other than he's using it to project his cheating behavior on me so he can validate his disgusting behavior. So anyways after all the drama of the police and after they left having told him to stay away from me I went to my room. I came out briefly and heard him on the phone outside. I listened briefly but long enough to hear him going on and on about his girlfriend Shonnie from last year. And how much he liked her. And how she tore me a new ass on the phone. (as if). And him and his sister laughed about it. A lot. And they went on about the girlfriend. Disgusting. And his sister - toxic nasty person I don't need to ever be around again. Blocked her on Facebook. Her life is just what she projects - old, alone, broke, and dependent on her parents at 60. So after this debacle of a night my husband has...yet again...made one of his cycles complete and is now back in a real hoover attach. Heard it all before. He did the begging and crying. And he's on the whole therapy kick. Swears he's realized what he's done. I'm sure he'll get over it eventually. He always does. Calls me hateful when I state my feelings about what he's done and says if I'm gonna be that way he's not sure he wants to be with me. Fine - I knew that already based on all the abuse, lies and cheating. I'm also tired of being told how his whole family doesn't like me. Fine. His parents made 3 toxic dysfunctional children who all have hade massive problems - a brother whose done time for selling his girlfriends 13 yr old daughter for meth and who had nude pictures of her and him together. A sister whose obnoxious and loud divorced years ago owing the IRS 750k so now moved back to her parents small town so they could put stuff in their name for her since she cant own anything. And the icing on the cake my abusive lying cheating "husband". It was never necessary to be around toxic people and even less so now. So I'll no longer be a part of it. My family wasn't good to me but they don't laugh and cackle with toxic "support". They don't even denigrate the person putting me through all this - my husband. They address concern for my experience and say they are sorry I'm going through it. And that I shouldn't have to . But they don't support hate or toxic behaviors. Like his sister. He says he knows that so isn't taking any of her "advice" but since they had such belittling behavior together over his girlfriend I find that suspicious. And the manipulation has been here before. He's playing high stakes this time. Time will tell what his end game is. In the interim at least the abuse has abated for a few days...for now. But all of it is just too far.