For Research Purposes

 Before I get to my research studies Ill first mention another interesting narcissistic response proving yet again the imbalance and lack of any empathy my "husband" has. Two nights ago I met a friend for drinks. I havent seen her in 2 years, My daughter went - not only to get her out of the house but so she could dress nice and drive if I wanted a drink. It was a bit of a last minute plan and my husband had a dental appointment though she's not his friend so that's irrelevant. We left at 6. Later I received 5 texts in a row:

"where are you at" Is our daughter with you" "??" "When do you think you'll be home and why are you not answering" "guess you're pretty busy with "Adriana" (in quotes) too busy to text me I guess".

Madness I tell you. I texted back a picture of my friend at which point he said have fun. We left at 945 and got home before 10:30. He came out of his room kind of wandering around. We told him we had fun. Then he says "well you could have told me you were going out then I could have planned to go out". As if he hasn't gone out dozens of times without me. Fuck he dates and fucks other women! I looked at him and snapped you've gone out plenty of times with other women without me so I don't see the big deal". Since he's unsure of what he wants he decided this one time not to push the issue.

So for research I continued a bit with the fake texting. I asked him for pics which he obliged. I then responded asking if he was really 50 like his profile said but that I didn't mind 60 because I liked older men. "53 not fkn 60"  was his response -That caused narcissist injury! Well deserved. The next research process was I told him I wanted to have a brief discussion. As usual he rolled his eyes and said Oh God. Nothing emotive is ever allowed to be brought up - because his self esteem is non existent inside where it counts. So I told him it was nothing bad not and just that I wanted him to know that I had made a conscious choice to be okay with his porn use and that I understood that he was fully entitled to do and be what he wants. I added that I had never really had an issue with porn - it was just sometimes the amount and type that gave me pause - that child and teen porn is risky behavior legally (so I left any moral implication out of it). I told him I usually try his door handle before knocking and the other night I knocked first and that in future I would try to remember to be consistent about knocking. He did not need to announce hey I'm looking at porn - but there was no need to pretend it was something else either. That it was all good. Then I hugged and said see, not so bad and left the room. He looked lost.

And my final little bit was on the way home from the store I mentioned I was curious about something.I said well so you told me you love this other woman(skank) and that you planned a future. If you were moving in with her I just wondered what that looked like to you? I mean you love your privacy and your room (didn't say it but you hiding place and your porn). He got a little pissy but how much could he get - I was being very very pleasant in manner tone and words. His response was I dont know where the fuck you get this from I never said I was moving in with her. Well not sure what a future means to him then, And I responded well oh I must have just go that wrong but I was just curious then on how you see you living? I mean you pretty much kicked me out of your room this morning. And your entitled to want you privacy. (side note we had sex last night and I slept in his room - he never comes to my room however). He ignored me with no reply and a couple minute went by. Then I smiled met his eyes and touch his shoulder gently and said "we should note you never answered my question though". He replied "so I'm not gonna give you a 5 year fucking plan'". Im not asking for that I told him - I just was curious as to your vision. "I don't fucking know" he said. So i ended by saying okay thats fince you are entitled to feel that - there is not right or wrong answer to the way you feel. I just wanted to ask and there's no pressure for it to be anything but how you feel".

But of course there is. Eventually a woman wants commitment. I cant even get that from a man I married 23 years ago. There are reasons I am hanging on for hopefully what will be just a few more months - no more than a year. We're home and as par for the course he went to his room to watch a movie. I live alone already - I have no reason to think I cant adjust I will just be without the drama - drama he said he didnt want but starts himself daily. He said his one thing he wanted was no drama - but the other days when his firestick wouldn't work he had a meltdown of hate. I texted him after and told him "glad you got it working. Im glad to help if I can anytime but without the drama plz". Not that he ever acknowledges he starts drama. He just came out - really just to see what I was doing. I added a little Baileys to my coffee on this cold day and he's like drinking huh? Why not I said? I live alone. He scoffed at me - live alone huh? And I said well pretty much - I just mean I spend a lot of time out here while everyones in their room. So off he went back to his room thankfully. Buzz off fuckface - I'm done researching what a POS you are for today.

Fantasy Island

 One other interesting thought process I had recently. So my husband believed he was in love with his recent side supply. He’s already been trying to find a new supply so that’s a thing . If I wasn’t blocked I’d send her proof so she could be "saved" as he may eventually give her a try again. Anyways he made plans with her - made her believe they had a future - translate live together - what other future is there?. And I wonder how he envisioned that life? We live on 40 acres and he has a shop and dirt bikes which would all be gone. He has his own room where he hides what he does and what he has and who he is. I could be wrong but she was somewhat religious so I find it somewhat doubtful she knew or was into the volume and type of porn he’s addicted to if any at all. So he believed he could give all that up and sleep in the same room in an apartment with his only escape work? He’s over estimating his ability to let go of his true nature. And yet with self delusion believed he would have a future with her? Part of me wishes he had left..he didn’t because he can’t give this up even though he doesn’t recognize what “this” is in detail. He s codependent as well. Maybe he would manipulate her into taking care of every detail of his life other than actual work. Hmm. Well he’s gonna find out if this fantasy of his is possible but on my terms.

Let the Games Begin

 So in an effort to turn the situation around and maintain a peaceful home until exit I’ve taken several steps. One is to no longer be a narcissist supply to my husband. This is achieved by being kind and providing no negative reactions to his behavioral deficits. He is on porn every single day. He did at least quit hankering for anorexic porn - that was gross and generated by both his anorexic appearance and the anorexic appearance of his skank. Of course now it’s teen porn and with a teen girl in the house this is abhorrent. But I digress...I’m making a conscious choice to accept the porn and not be affected at least outwardly. Two nights ago I knocked on his door in the evening and received an impatient rude “what”. The door was locked . I said “oops sorry I didn’t realize you were busy” and I went back to the living room. Moments later he opened the door and asked what I wanted. “ I said oh I was just gonna give you your fire stick back- sorry I interrupted”. He replied that he was just watching a movie . I chuckled and told him I know you were looking at porn - it’s I big deal it’s fine. I didn’t mean to interrupt “ . He got somewhat enraged and denied it - but I have proof. Not that I would let him know that but I just smiled and said you know it’s fine. That made him go back in his room slamming the door violently. The next method has been sex. I can’t say I’m proud of it but we’ve been very sexually active. I am so far able to successfully compartmentalise this. He hasn’t seen or his other female supply since the beginning of October. He talked to her October 14th demonstrating the break up lie. I know he didn’t message her after that as I got a peek at that. But I thought he was in love with her? Laughable really. I also got a peek at his texting app he uses for secret texts. So I downloaded the app. I started messaging him with a fake profile and a way of speaking nothing like me and set the bait on the hook. Within a few texts he took the bait. No fool like an old fool. We had sex last night. I slept in his bed. He essentially told me to get out at 5am so he could “watch tv”. He came out for awhile ranting about how my daughter and I (yes and not or) “moved his fucking flip flops and they’re always in the same fucking spot and he doesn’t know why we have to move his fucking shoes”. This went on several minutes. A bit later I went out looked and a quarter inch behind his work boots I found the flops. I took them to him and said “hey I found your flops right behind your work boots . You shoved them under the bench with your boots when you took them off.”. Then with a sashay sort of pleasantness said “so here ya go”. You know I didn’t get an apology from him - he’s too far gone now for that - his narcissism has evolve into being a psychopath. Which circles back to the texting as shortly after I received a text to my fake profile. He sent pictures. One head shot that’s his standard go to. And his new standard body shot that shows that he doesn’t have a gut. It also shows that’s he’s a skinny minny but in his delusions he thinks bony anorexic is attractive somehow. So once a cheater always a cheater. He really should become a case study. I do want to call him out but that would injure the narcissist and he is just too scary now - I choose to live.

Wowza Crazy in da House

 Aww he just got home and without further ado launched straight into verbal abuse. How original... not. Apparently still upset with his other supply not working out he is in a temper. Went straight to his room. Asked him how his day went - pleasantly of course- only to get an irate diatribe about creating some account on his firestick. I don’t know anything about those so not any help but he went on about our yahoo password. That’s used for all our payment accounts so not sure why it applies to some porn access he’s trying to create but I successfully grey rocked him and am feeling quite chill about the whole situation even though he is literally ranting aggressively about it. Why do I feel amused right now? I went to his room and asked if I could get him anything and he said “like fuck you you don’t do anything I carry everything “ blah blah. I was amazingly kind the whole time. While he ranted that I do nothing but sit on my ass and why don’t I help and get a job and if I was making $30,000 a year it would help. Unfortunately he is so obtuse- I don’t have a degree nor am I skilled - I am not going to make 30k a year - I don’t even understand Microsoft office which is pretty standard for any job above retail. And I was a manager - made a whopping 13k last year at that lol. I’m gonna need a LOT of education to get to 40k! The whole time I asked why he was so upset and what I could do to help and he was like”I’m sick of it. I’m sick of my life. I hate everything about my life”. He continued his derogatory hate for 10 minutes or so.I’d say his girlfriend got his panties in a real uproar!!. Hmm well I’ve taken care of the household for 15 years now. And frankly the job I had back in the day HE got me fired from for calling too much. I’m sure there’s more going on than meets the eye and I was Miss calm, supportive and kind no matter what he threw out so his supply is dry- so frustrating for him! Even when he stated he hated his job and was sick of it I told him feel free to change it - that I always supported him even when he was self employed (facts) and would if he wanted a change. Honestly I think he’s checked into alimony and wants me to work because he’s afraid to pay it- but he’s delusional about my unskilled earning potential in addition to the effect it would have on our college family contribution amount with 2 boys in college- at my pay almost all of it would go to taxes and college. Whatever - he’s obvious as fuck and it’s recorded! The amount of crazy coming out of him even in the face of my unrelenting kindness is amazing. I pity the man that will never be happy. I know he’s upset as well because the mortgage payment wiped out our account- as I tried to tell him the scheduled mortgage payment doesn’t know he missed work last week and had a short check. He’s so mad - my view is hey we may be cash poor this week but we are guaranteed to live in our house another month and for me that’s a 1000% positive. And my outlook is healthy and right. Looks like another night alone in my room 

Zero Integrity Hate Factor

 I’ve always hesitated when it came to using the word hate. I’m not a hateful person and obviously am forgiving. Perhaps this is part of my problem and why this has gone on so long. I hope his next supply is less forgiving. But at this moment I hate him. He’s disgusting without redemption. I’ve told him at times that he isn’t a bad person he just does bad things. That’s a lie. He’s a terrible person. He knows he’s doing the wrong thing, he knows what he looks at is sick, he knows it’s wrong to lie and cheat, he knows when he’s being a dick, he knows when he’s hurting me or others and does it anyway. Unapologetically. And with zero desire to be a better person or get help. He’s sick. That’s where hate becomes pity. Yesterday he had a field day with it. He shared a post to Facebook about kids not thanking their dads for their sacrifices and not saying they are proud of them. That they aren’t grateful. That the dads are trying to be a good man in a society that devalues them. That one really gets me as in where in being a liar, a cheater, a pervert, and an addict is he trying to be a good man - he’s  not even a good person! Also how dads leave their frustration at the door after work - that’s laughable with the amount of fury he visits inside the home. And the last one that was bullshit how they love even when they feel they are failing - love is not something he has done for years - even then it wasn’t true. He feeds off their attention if they give it, imagines they admire him, buys them pot and alcohol even when they were young, and acts like a teen buddy not a dad mostly. 

He also came home in a fury last night. At least he didn’t pick on me for it. He said it was about work. I asked what happened and he said he didn’t want to talk about it. I said I was sorry he had a bad day and he went to his room to sink int porn. When he left my daughter says “you know he must have had a fight or something with his girlfriend... if it was work he would have gone on about it”. She also said he wasn’t like his work mad more like depressed mad so she knew it was girlfriend related. She’s a smart teenager. I told her wow- you’re right and insightful. She’s like yeah - you know I was raised with him around. She knows he needs supply. She knows what a narcissist is and what they are like. In two decades the only time my husband has declined to rant, brag or go on about something is when it involves cheating. The girlfriend probably got pissed (if she has an ounce of sense which is unlikely) that she hasn’t seen him in over a month and he’s still trying to keep her in the hook. Actually it’s more likely she’s mad he hasn’t left me - I mean that was his promise to the nasty bitch. She has no idea what she’s getting into. I was thinking yesterday too how long he could maintain this supposed dream life with her. He hates apartments and that’s where he’d be - he’s not gonna qualify for another house anytime soon. He has a big shop full of tools and dirtbikes and we have a small track - that would be gone. He wouldn’t even have a garage - just a storage unit somewhere. He wouldn’t have his own room where he could watch endless perverted porn / I don’t think he could last long without that addiction. He’s have to take care of his own appointments and bills which he never even asks about. Whose gonna take care of that ticket he got and had court for 4 days ago which he forgot to take care of? He can only pretend to be nice when his back hurts for a little while. I doubt it would take near as long for him to taint that relationship as it did ours. But anyways my daughter stated the obvious that I somehow missed.

As I said he also spent the evening on porn from 7 until 1030. This  morning again - this time all he searched for was “teen” porn. We have a teen daughter. He is beyond disgusting. At some point a few home truths will be shared but for now I wait. 

One extra incident I almost forgot- the other day I woke up when he got up. I stayed up and awake in my room the entire time until he drove away. He has been coming in my room every day and saying good bye with a kiss but that morning he didn’t. I texted him later and said “sorry if I didn’t wake up when you came in have a great day luv u” . He responded “ I will and yeah you were out”. It’s fascinating that I know him so well that in a test I knew he would lie - even in a situation where it wasn’t necessary. He is so massively unreasonable he can’t see reasonableness in others. A normal human would say “ I didn’t- I was in a hurry but have a good day love u too”. But of course he’s not normal. That was Monday so Tuesday he kissed me goodbye. Wednesday morning he kissed me goodbye and that night we had sex. Thursday he kissed me goodbye. And today Friday he left without coming in- this reiterates him being upset over the girlfriend. The day after having a long roll in the bed with his wife?

He was also furious for a bit Wednesday because he thought someone went in his room while he was at work. That’s an overt sign of his potential as a husband and father. What’s he hiding? He walks into my room all the time. So do the kids. I don’t care if they use my phone or grab something out of my purse. I don’t mind boundaries- but his reason for his type of boundaries is to hide and lie. Because he has zero integrity. That is the ultimate crux of the matter and that’s why I hate him.

Skinny Minny

 When we met my husband was just under 6’ tall and weighed about 165 to 175#. He cussed some but not with me much. Smoked some pot no cigarettes no coffee. At 53 he is now 5’10” ish but seems shorter because he hunches. He is very thin and bony and weighs only 139. He coughs and spits phlegm every morning for 10 minutes or more. He pukes almost every morning. He often has back pain and it’s very dramatic sometimes going to urgent care. He often makes comments about suicide when his back hurts or I’ve confronted his real self. The lines on his face are deep - like half inch deep though he claims everyone thinks he’s 40 cuz he’s in such good shape. His skin hangs down from his jowls a half inch. He smokes two packs of cigs or more per day and an oz of weed a week. 6 cups of coffee every morning and 2 or 3 energy drinks a day . He takes two different kinds of ed pills. He takes muscle relaxants regularly for his back. The female he was cheating on me with was also excessively bony her collar bones prominent. Not well endowed. Anorexic looking. Ugly. Hooded eyes. Very wrinkled. Short very thin hair. Smokers voice. And a trashy demeanor. To be fair she is gainfully employed well enough to have a small apartment. My point? I discovered him on porn sites today. Porn pics specified as super skinny. And “Anorexicpornmovies.com.” My husband is super fucked up in the head . Btw as a side note I am 5’2 weigh 120...so not chunky not “anorexic”. So not only is he disgusting and perverted- he’s also fantasizing over her even though he was three timing her too. I’d pity him but he wouldn’t get it because he lacks empathy.

Drama

 About a week ago one of my husbands Facebook friends popped up on my suggestions. I’ve accepted others and some of his friends are mine. This lady didn’t have any other common friends and one picture - I did happen to comment on her pic “aww my husband liked your pic”. Her post was from July but somehow my husband knew about the comment - hmm. He brought it up and said why were you on her fb? I told him she popped on my friend suggestions so I accepted and then looked. He was pissed and started in on why was I seeing his friends etc - again I told him she was in my suggestions at which point he said I had men on mine. Um I don’t have any male friends that aren’t family or in common with him. He argued a minute - it was ridiculous. I finally said “ if you didn’t cheat and message women on fb you wouldn’t make such a big deal out of it” he answered “ here we go”. I told him I have no idea what’s going on sometimes and though he said he wanted us to work and was done with his “girlfriend” he talked to her after the fact. I told him I didn’t want to bring things up either but needed reassurance from him on his own volition once in awhile. Hes never even said he was sorry for cheating. He got heated and insulted - said here we go it always comes back around to him doing something wrong. I said no I just wanted to reconnect and was saying what I needed. I asked what he needed. He shook his head rolled his eyes and stared at his phone. I said look at me and he’s like jesus. For a moment he did and I just said I’m not insulting you to ask for emotional needs. He shunned me again so I finally said ok then and sat back while he stonewalled me. Eventually he decided to offer that he wanted less drama - never takes ownership of being the ultimate drama by being a lying cheating fuckface of a non human. He also said he was sorry for cheating. I stood up touched him and said you’ve got it. I hear what you need and I guarantee you will not get any more drama from me. He accused me of being patronizing of course. I said no I’m dead serious. I’ve dropped it and you will never get drama from me again. And I do mean it. Grey rock from today on. He will never see emotion from me again. He can just ramble on with his grandiose posturing about work. About what he wants to buy. And rant about how dumb everyone but him is. He is as deep and intelligent as a puddle in the Mojave desert. He has no remorse and no ability to actually fathom anyone’s feelings but himself. In every conversation it’s turned into being about him... and that’s with everybody so at least I’m not the only one in that. He finally lost the best thing he was ever gonna get (me) and everything that comes with me. It’s the last straw for me to understand he’s actually incapable of kindness. He has a pretense of kindness occasionally but only done as a reflection to brag about how special he is for doing it. And he lied to his “girlfriend” he lied to me, he lied to the chick he dated from his hometown, and he lied to the two he was hitting up online- all at the same time. This hurts but helps. Because I can see he is ill. A narcissist. I’m not the sole receiver of his narcissism I’m just in a different stage of it than each of the other women. That puts the psychopathic disorder firmly and completely on him. I get sad -not from love or hurt any more but from the loss of the life and future I thought we had. As a last interesting circle he came up to me an hour later or so and said he was sorry about earlier. I breezily replied no problem. It’s all good. When I walked by he accused me of being mad and I said no I’m not mad at all it’s all fine . I’m not mad - it’s a disappointment but I feel sorry for him . And me. But I wasn’t mad. He said it again and I said I’m not mad - just don’t start drama you didn’t want. This was in front of our kids so he shut up. And I went to the store with him. Watched tv. And stayed totally light and breezy. He spent half the day in his room. I just watched a movie with my daughter and he comes out and tells me I’ve been on my phone all day and shouldn’t eith my eye. And dang it I forgot to gray rock! I defended but at least mildly. But I showered, did my hair, had several long conversations with my son daughter and sons girlfriend, hand washed 2 racks of dishes, swept and cleaned the kitchen, went to the store - and apparently was on my phone during all that - not. Oh wait - drama.