Letters

In my endless quest to understand and come to terms with the hopeless indirection life has dealt me I discovered yet another site that gives me both enlightenment and sadness. Using my own words I gave my husband a letter.... To my husband: I love you. You can be wonderful man, a friend. I love your humor, enthusiasm, confidence, body, smile, and spirit. But....I am lost, hurt, afraid. I want to run screaming. I want to feel confident, safe, secure, beautiful, worthy, and respected. I used to feel that way...you used to make me feel that way. Before porn, lies, escorts, phone calls, verbal abuse, name calling, threats, and emails for sex. Before I knew porns hold. I tried to understand it...for us. I tried to laugh it off. I watched it with you sometimes. I tried to believe when you said it was me you wanted. I cried in bed while you sat up at night looking at other women. I tried convincing myself it wasn't a big deal...while I checked the computer and your phone, revisiting all the pages you looked at. I tried to think I was imagining it...being unreasonably suspicious...tried to believe your lies. I tried to be sexy in fancy lingerie. Tried harder not to feel unattractive. Tried not to think of my imperfect body and compare myself to the images you desired. I tried changes in bed and participated in new things to try to make you happy. I lost weight. I tried not to overreact when I knew time apart was time you spent looking at porn...or calling escorts,emailing women.. I tried to give you all the forgiveness I had. I tried other things too. I tried tried looking at you with disgust and revulsion, tried to hate you. I tried to catch you...checking your phone,computer, shed, car for evidence....and found it. I tried talking, yelling, crying, and silence. I am so tired of trying. I wish you could see how porn destroys us...how it changes you. I wish you realized when I ask you questions I more often than not already know the answers. I wish the lies were not so easy for you. I wish you could carry the burden of sadness in my heart. I wish you wouldn't get so angry, mean, abusive and defensive when I talk to you about porn and the things you've done. I wish you wouldnt jump to porns defense and call me a bitch and a whore....i wish you would fight for me as passionately as you fight for porn. i love you...but dont trust you. Our sex is marred with countless faces, bodies, and acts that have nothing to do with me or us. When we married you said "forsaking all others" which I now know was a lie. But I cant disappoint you either...cant walk away...cant hurt you or our children, our family. Not yet. I feel hopeless, afraid, weak, out of my mind, ugly, ashamed, old, used, sad, depleted, desperate, angry, hurt...of ni value. Sometimes I dont feel it...but I am: Your wife. I enabled comments and welcome them..and friends. As a new blogger I missed the settings but I think Im figuring it out!