Illusions

I have put my troubles in the foreground of this blog. Im feeling retro today my nod to the obvious question...why have I stayed? From 95 to 06 ish my husband and I had a great relationship filled with love, laughter, and good times. We had no real fights...not even arguments. We enjoyed the same things, the same goals. I loved and admired him and felt loved and taken care of in return. Life was great and so was the sex. He had a stack of porn magazines that I never thought twice about...I had no issues with the 'normal' occasional porn and chalked it up as just that. The first time I realized he was looking at porn on the internet I wasn't bothered by it...just thought it was more normal guy stuff. But this was the year the internet became more prevalent everywhere including our home. As time went by he seemed to be looking more and more until I finally mentioned that maybe it was too much. It was just a talk...I didnt see it as a problem at this point and we were still best friends and lovers...a groundwork laid for years. He cut back for a months close to a year then started creeping on again...spending more and more time on it. Started to have a hair trigger temper as well that involved calling me names and berating me. I didnt check his history...I just knew he was up late a lot. I mentioned it again...and again he cut back. But this time his hiatus was shorter. The abuse and temper worse. Soon he was back at it...and this time he also started to verbally and emotionally abuse me every other day.. I know now that this correlated to his porn addiction but at the time I was confused and hurt and wondered what I had done. I was conflicted still seeing the man I thought I knew in denial about what reality was. The next porn bust I searched his history and realized that far from casual use were literally thousands of pictures...cookies, temporary internet files, emails. This time the argument an argument from my hurt was on. He also became a lewd flirt in public...striking up conversations with any and all decent looking woman at our kids wrestling tournaments.  He also got the hots for the neighbor. After several major fights in a matter of months he started trying the liar avenue...erasing history etc. But I still found the cookies. My confidence dwindled...and with it my desire for sex...I felt unattractive and self doubt became my companion. When we argued my husband learned to skillfully turn it around until I believed I was the one with problems, that I was a bitch, told me it was my fault that he emailed women for sex and that I was being sensitive and all men look at porn. I felt shame. I couldn't talk to anyone..it was too tarnishing. He was eventually apologetic and at times admitted he had a problem but that admission was just to pull me in to his control...I tried to compete but came out feeling I was no match for what he REALLY wanted. I became a doormat...and had no confidence. At one point we again had a huge fight...for the first time the ugly 'D' word got thrown out there. When my husband repented he would cry...unusual for him and hes a construction worker so to see him break down was sucker play...me being the sucker. I still held on to the love I felt and wanted to forgive, to have future dreams with him. Manipulative bastard. I always forgave him, believed his lies, and tried to trust again...it took almost as many years to give up as it did to be great. I've come full circle...I finally realized it wasn't ME...an eye opening book by Lundy Bancroft, a counselor who told me it wasn't me or my marriage that needed work - I needed DV counseling, my dv group, and one on one dv counseling. I couldn't work on him..you can't work on someone else but I did work on me. When I stand up for myself in the face of abuse my husband runs his pattern...first hes righteous...then he turns it on me, gaslights me into thinking I am crazy, then repents, apologizes,  then threatens to leave me destitute and take the kids, physcially pushes me around...all this in his fight for porn, escorts, cl hookups, lies and abuse. I am the love of his life...I no longer think IM the fool...HE IS. But I stay...its complicated...we have kids and run their team sports so our lives are entangled. I don't work so I get to enjoy the kids every day  that leaving would not allow. We have a house that would be hard to sell today. I have three large dogs...cant rent a place with them. Its also hard to walk away when you have laid the groundwork of what you thought was love for years.  I cant help but still see the man I thought I married when he tells me he loves me.. And at times he seems like the man I love much like fools gold looks real. But hes just lying (big sigh). We still enjoy life together at times too. I stay...but my mind has been leaving little bits at a time...if he asks whats wrong I no longer share. I don't wear my wedding ring. I am bland...I've shut it off. And maybe I'm just waiting...for him to come back when in reality there is no him to come back..it was and is an illusion.