Cracks in the Facade

Domestic violence education calls this the honeymoon phase. My husband runs this classically...repent, regret, niceness for lack of a better term. It manipulates me into hope based on the love I thought we shared and I still give and feel but don’t receive.  It keeps me off balance and under his control. But with the power of education from my Domestic violence group I see the cracks in his facade. Hes 'sorry' he called me a bitch and a cunt, 'sees' its abusive, shouldn't roll his eyes at me, shouldn't mimic me in insulting parodies, shouldnt push me or force me to give him a hand job, ashamed that he keeps slipping up and looking at porn, admits it affects how he treats me, admits the abuse. He looked up counseling and even talked on the phone to one. But it was too expensive and he doesn't have time. But one day later he never looked again...no follow through. He'll spend days...weeks hunting down porn with single minded determination but gives up on counseling after 15 minutes. So it was just manipulation to pull me back in. While I was out at my DV group meeting he picked up the house and did laundry which he rarely does. When I got home I commented 'thanks so much for putting a dent in it - isn't it amazing how much work you did and it still doesn't look like it?' His response was to berate me for insulting him and all the work he did, and that he shouldn't have bothered 'and so much for thanking him! and of course what a bitch I am - thats really never left out. As if he'd done a vast favor by contributing 1% to our families combined mess. I responded that his rant showed me that in fact he did not do it for me...he did it for HIM...to receive 'credit', praise, and thankfulness from me for what he really should be doing all along. And to follow up on my last post I 'won' my internal bet...he had deleted firefox from his phone when he got home. When I asked him about why he was trying to 'fix' chrome he replied that it bugged him it didnt work. I asked what he came up with as an alternative and he said nothing..so I asked how Firefox was working out for him (lol). He then became furious, called me a bitch, told me I had problems, that he wanted nothing to do with me, and that I wouldnt have to worry about it any more because he was going to look at all the porn he wanted to from then on, and that he was totally sick of me, that I should get the fuck out before he threw me out and hurt my ass when I landed. But he already said that and he already does that. Also that I should get a job because he wasn't going to support me any more. Two days later was when the above 'repent' occurred. I tried to open dialogue to tell him that I AM ocd over being lied to and am in fear of being caught with my pants down again so to speak...being duped, being hurt. But that dialogue never materialized because he was so busy screaming over me telling me what an untrusting bitch I am and how much porn he was going to look at! This morning he woke me with sexual advances...I returned the advances because of the fear...and the hope and love I still harbor.  Within one minute he stopped caressing me and asked "why dont you climb on top of me and do me". I became still then asked him how he could think I was ready to climb on top? This is also an effect of porn...in porn the women are instantly ready for sex and there to gratify his every need. A real live woman requires foreplay, affection and lovemaking. This is how it used to be...a long lead in of kissing and touching...yet every time I respond for mutual lovemaking he abandons his part and asks me to service him. His perception of sex is fashioned by the rewire in his brain from his obsession with porn. Needless to say instead of trying to turn me on he became angry and silent...didnt answer...and got up, slamming the bedroom door behind him as he left the room. He coaches baseball and last night had practice with his team...when he got home all I heard about is how he talked to two of the moms on the team and how much praise they had for what wonderful shape he is in, how much wonderful hair he has, how he doesnt look his age...an egomaniac at best. If I had that conversation and shared with him the world would come to an end in the face of his anger. All cracks in the facade...its not his love its his brain and the way it thinks.