My Husbands Secrets

I begin this blog thinking it may provide catharsis...or perhaps as a means of anonymously tracking my troubles or looking for judgement, advice, or peers. I only know for sure that the idea appealed enough for me to initiate it.

Before I can advance to timeline blogging its necessary to explain what brought me here...to:

My Husbands Secrets

My husband and I met in July 1995. We hit it off in what was, for me, an unprecedented way. My eventual husband was seeing someone but was not sleeping with her...her choice, and in hindsight maybe why the door was open for me. He cut it off with her instantly. Perhaps there were signs of my husbands eventual secrets but I had no education in watching for such things so I only knew what was in front of me. The only hint I see in retrospect is that after we started dating the other girl decided she had made a mistake and gave my then boyfriend an love 'offer' letter...he refused her but never let me see or know the contents of that letter. Of course I felt flattered...Id been 'chosen' but since she lived next door I had wanted to know her total threat value...but I let it go. My husband gave her two Lion King stuffed toys for her girls. He said nothing. When she sent a pie I returned it - and he was offended on her behalf.

We moved in together, bought a house and two years later married. Our relationship, jobs, lives, marriage flourished for almost a decade. We moved to a bigger house and in 1998 had our first of 3 planned children. We were happy and proud of it.

The first discord between us came in 04 when I was pregnant with our last child. With hormones raging I was in a perpetual state of desire...but by month 3 my husband wanted no sex with me ...this has happened with my other pregnancies but not until the last couple months. Eventually I gave up and squashed my resentment and hurt chalking it up to my pregnancy appearance but looking back I see the first chink in our relationship armor.

Those years were hectic, fun, busy, and stressful at times with children and a business but through it we got along. But in 06 life...my husband...turned a corner. He began to stay up late then get up in the middle of the night then get up early. What started out once a week became 3 times a week until almost every night. At first I was oblivious...over time he began verbally abusing me, then emotionally. Of course I eventually stumbled upon his internet activities...porn, escort companies, cheating sites,emailing women for sex. I was okay with it at first when it was just porn - I thought well guys look - but it became so much more - and at a time I had no idea there was anything wrong with it or our marriage.  I confronted him and he backed off but every few months, and sometimes weeks, he was back at it...until another confrontation. And each time the habit was exponentially worse and the verbal abuse, name calling was worse with it. Years slipped by and I always forgave and believed in us.

Somehow at the same time he developed an obsession with a cute neighbor. As I was also friends with her, and her husband, I didnt notice the signs until it became too obvious to ignore. She separated from her husband. My husband had stopped by her house to buy some things they were selling...when he got home he was in a fury because she had 'ignored' him. He went there after he had been gone for a day and a half - he went to her house first. A flag went up inside me but I didnt fully fly it...I was still in a place of misplaced trust, hurt and self blame. When the neighbors house foreclosed we let her store some of her stuff at our house...when her husband stopped by and asked for some small items that were obviously his I gave them to him. His wife then came over and was arguing with my husband about what I'd done...when I came to his defense he literally yelled at me that it was none of my business and to go back in the house! Eventually her new boyfriend showed up unexpectedly to pick up her things on a summer day...shortly after I received a call from my husband berating me, calling me a whore, a bitch and accusing me of dressing like a slut for the boyfriend because I was in shorts and a tank top in July...reported by the  neighbor gal he was so enamored with of course. Even with all the porn and sex addict stuff with the verbal abuse this shocked me. New to this I believed. I tried.  But..This is when my hero showed he had feet of clay...and my flag became fully blown and I recognized all the signs that had been there all along but I had ignored in a sheath of trust. We nearly broke up...I wish we had. Once confronted he begged, pleaded, and promised and we stayed together. He admitted a sexual obsession with her. And in that moment he did improve...for a while. Maybe in part because she moved away...his optional obsession was no longer available.

Since then I can only say I have ridden the roller coaster of my husbands verbal abuse, emotional abuse, porn addiction, obsessions, lying, hiding, and a multitude of problems over and over again. Each time he was 'caught' he would lie. We would argue. He would scream what a bitch I was and I....just took it. Cried. Then he'd apologize and behave...for awhile. At first he lasted over a year, then 9 months and then less and less and time slipped by. But in reality each time he went back the problems magnified...looking at naked women progressed to more explicit porn, orgies, teen girls, shemales - then progressed to 'escort' advertisements. I also found emails to women for sex locally. God only knows what I didnt find. In 09 I had had enough and moved him into our spare room where he remained for several months. After a 'good' spell we 'reconciled' and were back in our room together. I couldn't see myself the same way. I had a sense of shame for being such a patsy. He made it all seem like my fault - even though our sex life was good and we'd been great together. I struck up a friendship online...no not a hookup...not a flirtation...not even a sharing of the horrible problems of my marriage. A little brother type of friendship with a terminally ill cancer patient...a sense of  perspective and normalcy in an otherwise friendless life. We talked on an anonymous site for several weeks - never emailed or phone - .this was in 2010. My husband discovered it and melted down...threatening to leave me! The double standard overwhelmed me...my friendship was not only innocent but had been perpetuated by a life I could barely deal with any more. Nonetheless I immediately ceased contact...forever, and my husband and I agreed to be honest, work on our marriage, and neither would step outside these boundaries to hurt the other ever again. My husband used this event to assuage his own behavior...now he could forever point to my own faults.

But I had learned something...to trust my gut - and not my husband. In January of 2012 I discovered he was looking at 'escort' ads in Backpage. When I confronted him he said it was just 'curiosity' and he would never do it again. But in May 2012 I found that he was not only still looking but had even CALLED 2 escorts to make arrangements for sex ! Again at this time we had an active sex life and were getting along. Again I confronted him...the new theme of my life. I also talked to the escorts so I had solid information to go on which made his lies that much more blatant. He had also asked a friend to lie for him and say he was at their house when he wasnt going to be...he changed his mind at the last minute and stayed home but the ground had been planted and I'm sure other times he was supposedly at her house he actually wasn't. I demanded he tell me about the phone calls...at first he denied even calling bold faced lying but when I told him I had called the phone numbers he stuttered and eventually confessed. He got angry first and we yelled at each other but he tried to hug me and when I said no he forced himself on me. And he can look me straight in the eye and lie with his last breath. We discussed his conversations with the hookers...and since there's a fee there's no doubt that's what this really was. He claimed it wouldnt happen again. As always. My respect, trust, and view of him is of course altered. But still...I believed I loved him. I forgave him. Things got better for awhile. I thought we had a chance and I gave him love and support all over again. Time passed...as did the horror of his actions. We started to get along...though I had my moments of utter sadness and meltdown but they became infrequent as it slid into the past. I don't have the confidence after years of being verbally abused to know if my nature is forgiving or if I am just dumb or easily manipulated by a narcissist.  On my birthday in October he picked a fight with me (of course he didnt know it was my birthday) and went to Hooters. In November of 2012 I intercepted an email from him to a woman on craigslist...he was looking for sex again...he had requested (and received) her pictures and location. He quit looking at porn on the home computer...he had discovered the virtues of cell phone internet service. In the past year he has increased his sexual phone activity tenfold. . I found male sexual enhancement pills in our spare room. Two weeks ago I found a list of 30+ phone numbers for Denver backpage hookers hidden in his winter boots - when I confronted him at that time and asked for honesty he chose what and what NOT to tell. Lying by omission is another tactic to gaslight me. The list was coded with stars (1,2 or 3!), cost, hair color, names ...and one starred as high interest was a transsexual. Yesterday I found a jelly vagina hidden in the spare room. Yes I have started counseling...and joined a group. My husband doesn't hit me but he pushes me, forces me, corners and traps me, and sometimes throws things and raises his fist...but the verbal and emotional abuse is internally painful. He can be mean - often. He can just come home from work and start screaming at me about laundry calling me a bitch and a cunt to where I often dont ask or do things out of fear of his reaction or mood swings.

Why do I stay? I dont have good solid answers...sometimes I wish he would not be 'sorry'...just something that would be off the middle of the fence. I've been bullied so long I lack confidence in my ability to be on my own. He's threatened to committ suicide at times. Threatened to take custody of our kids, leave me destitute...the list goes on. Hes a good buddy to my sons...typical of abusers but doesn't parent them at all. He gives them pot and alcohol.  I like the rest of my life and the benefits...I like my husband - when I can see the man I married. But I doubt that I KNOW who I married. Either way at this point in time I remain...it is what it is. Did I ask for it....a resounding NO! I have been sexual, loving, supporting, non nagging, and I am physically attractive...in fact a patsy as it turns out...I believe its referred to as enabling at least after the first couple times. But I set boundaries- why did I believe he was actually trying though? Will I leave him if it happens one more time - YES. Does he know this? YES. My life is a book: "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. If anything sounds similar in your life I recommend it - if you can handle it. Its saddening but for me knowledge is empowering - my husbands thinks its righteous - and he is wrong.

So now...I can blog from today forward.