What I Dont Have

Interesting thing about secrets is that they are usually somthing you wish someone didnt know and rarely something no one knows. My husband is so unselfaware he doesnt see that his viewing of porn and escorts affects how he treats me and his reactions...so even if I dont find evidence hes using I can sense it. Here are some instances in my day to day life. Several nights ago we were watching tv...my husband said he was going to smoke a cig then take a shower. I decided to put something sexy on while he was in the shower because I still work at this relationship because apparently Im not that bright. I waited a half hour and he still hadnt gone to shower...it was already an hour past his usual time and he was on his phone so I went in the bedroom and changed then laid down to wait....and wait...finally falling asleep after an hour. Then he comes to bed and wakes me up and asks if Im going to ride him...doesnt touch me..just asks. When I tell him Im too sleepy now he gets angry says fuck you and flops over. Once morning rolls around he wants 'serviced' and when I dont give it he shove s his penis in my face until he gets it....and later that morning we argued because he stated he never said anything about a shower or bedtime...then when I quoted him he admitted to saying something similar. That would be gaslighting. Fast forward to the next night...he says hes going to bed and I reply 'me too' to which his response is 'what the fuck...youre just going because I said I was" and this was said angrily and meanly and like what the fuck does it matter anyway?. So fine I said....Ill stay up. I ended up sleeping on the couch. What would it matter if we went to bed at the same time? It would interfere with his private time with his phone. So now we're at last night. We went to a movie. At the end when the credits were rolling I told him I was going to the rest room..he told me to chill out and sit down...I waited a few more minutes and finally asked how much of the credits he wanted to watch. He said he wanted to see the music credits....I told him he could look that up on his phone and that I would just go to the restroom and meet him when I came out so he wouldnt have to wait for me...."whatever" he replied. When I came out he was walking towards me but then turned and went out the door and proceeded to walk 50 feet in front of me and my daughter all the way to our car. I was given the silent treatment the entire hour drive home and the rest of the night. Its interesting that before the movie I was trying to tell him something and he interrupted, and ignored, me 3 times...I wasnt happy about it but didnt grudge him more than 3 minutes before I let it go and kissed him and tried to give the love I want to give but he rejects. Such a differential. I also know hes using google chrome incognito to browse on his phone. He says he never uses it...but I blocked it twice and each time he had uninstalled then reinstalled to get it working. Its disheartening. Once upon a time I was so proud... i had found true honest love, passion, and reciprocation...what I didnt know was that I had really married a liar and none of that was what i had..