The List

 Ok so this one I'm just gonna call like it is and say its a list of grievances. A reminder that a persona is just that. And that its always just an alternate form of manipulation.

To begin with I forgot to notate that about 10 days ago we had sex. The very next day when he came home from work he hugged me. I hugged back. But you have to understand the length of time this goes on. After a minute I start to squirm. Later that night out of nowhere hes like "why do you act like you hate touching me". I didn't respond so as not to get verbally shredded by him but my thought process was...we just had sex. I hugged you. I mean its just never enough? That was a Wednesday or Thursday. On Saturday sex again. He couldn't maintain a full erection. After a huge amount of labor including 30 minutes of pulling he was still partially flaccid. It was 1am and I gave up. It had been over a couple hours. I wanted to rest and told him I needed at least an hour. 10 minutes later the grinding and groping just wouldnt stop so I finally got up after 20 minutes of it and went to my room. 15 minutes later he was voraciously consuming porn sites. Because that's what it takes for him. |When I said something days later about porn doing what I couldn't he got all bent out of shape claiming he didn't watch any porn and hasn't for a long time. I named one of the websites and he claimed to have never heard of it. But he also said he'd be sure and look it up. I told him I actually saw that he was looking at porn. Again the righteous attitude even though he was lying. Monday was his therapy. And since I didn't go along with him telling me what to do based on his therapist telling him what to tell me we should do he's been quite the piece of work. Tuesday morning he barged in my room at 5am saying he needed money. I told him there was $20 on my dresser. In a very rude tone he replied that he needed more that he need 50 and that he had told his co worker he was going to get 50 in cocaine and he wasn't going to be 'that' guy who didn't. I was saying I thought I had more in my purse but he talked over me saying 'fuck it then I just won't get any'...as if I cared. Then he stomped out so I threw the 20 i had and a couple ones on my nightstand. I was still half asleep. He stomped out of the house got in his car and drove off. A few minutes later I hear the car come back and he comes in and barges in my room again. he says 'you know what I will take that money and fuck it I'll get some for me". I replied whatever. That night I went to my girls volleyball over an hour away. He texted me about getting him food (not about her game). I didn't reply but I was thinking - he's at home. Theres food there. He's gonna wait til 10pm to eat just because he won't cook? And he'd rather have fast food? He's actually answered yes to that question before.  Regardless I did buy him a burger. But he was closed in his room. Watching porn again. So Wednesday our daughter had basketball. Again an hour away. He went last week so he knew it started at 8. he got home at 630 and I said Hi only to get a grunt in reply. Then he took a shower,. My daughter called and says you should have already been here to pick me up (I hadn't clarified the ride situation). So I tell my husband I gotta leave to pick her up. "Can't I even take a fucking shower" was his reply. Now again I keep my thoughts in my head -I've learned speaking any thoughts is dangerous. So I'm thinking...you already took a shower? He was literally done and out of the shower just not dressed. I said well she doesn't want to be late. Then I went and got my purse. Looked around fro my sunglasses. Basically wasted several minutes. When I went back he still wasn't dressed. I said so I guess you're not going? "no, I'm not fucking going. Buy me something to eat while you're in". So I left. When I picked my girl up she said he texted her and and said he would have come but I was 'rushing him". To give my daughter credit she told him no, it was her that was rushing me. He didn't apologize to either of us. And I told my daughter I appreciated that but I didn't care and she didn't have to defend me. Again we got home late. i didn't buy food - neither of us wanted to stop anywhere. And the burger was still available from Tuesday haha. But he was closed up in his room again anyways. He'd spent a couple hours earlier consuming porn - al lot of it teen butt porn. I draw the line even harder when he's looking at teen porn and has a teen daughter in the house. Disgusting pig. And he wonders why I don't like touching that much?? So its Thursday now. I haven't talked to him other than last nights grunt and the shower thing since Monday. This morning I went in his room and he's turned his TV and dresser to be more parallel to his window because he thinks I'm seeing him watching porn by spying through his window from the front yard. As if I would spy around outside. Either way going to that length to hide it is gross anyways. So far from improving he's getting worse again. Probably because the therapy is a means to manipulate rather than actually improve. A tiny bit of the outburst temper is lower - for a whole couple weeks. He thinks he's better. Actually before his therapy session he asked for my input. When I gave it to him he then turned it around on me. Typical. Anyways in addition to rearranging furniture for his porn use he also took a cocaine grinder with him to work today. I'm sure that will add to this list later.