Fools Gold

I'm really just trying to keep the peace. An impossible task. Even after a rough week. Its interesting that he makes this big claim of wanting to do better. Its supposedly why he's seeing a therapist. The past 4 years of anniversaries have sucked. Because of him. Even when I thought we were again working at this I've caught him cheating the past few. The bar is set so low that this year was better because he isn't cheating. That's it. Nothing else. Getting along or not I have learned to associate bad memories with this week between our anniversary and my birthday. You can see the lack of depth to his thought process that while he wants to work it out (he says) he made no attempt to replace those bad memories this year. Even if we're not getting along some reparation would have been in order. It shouldn't have mattered if he really wanted to change the dynamic. But I also know it wasn't on purpose. He just doesn't think of stuff like that. It wouldn't seem to be primarily about him so it isn't worth occurring to him. Anyways last night was Friday. After a week of distance I decided to make peace with the situation and with him. So after a decent evening watching tv (while he was on his phone the entire time) I suggested fooling around. I almost didn't because I had a few light drinks of baileys and last time the post mortem was about how I only want to do it with him if I'm drinking. I don't know what the difference is to him since his basis of positive relations is mostly sex based. So we went to his room. I hate to lay it all out there - seems personal and graphic but its too relevant not to. So we fooled around. Mostly foreplay. Him to me. It was actually good for me. But he never got hard. Was very small. After I was done I tried for awhile but he did not even get slightly erect. A total hour with no result. He has watched sex videos several times this week. I wonder if those worked for him? So I suggested a rest. Or maybe in the morning. He said he was sorry he was such a disappointment. That who wants someone that can't perform. He went on in this vein for awhile. I tried to empathize without emphasizing. I told him it was good for me and he said well you could have done that yourself you don't need me for it. This is because he used toys on me. which he promotes while we are doing it. Then uses it against me after. Said he was probably just tired. etc.. I also said how did he think I felt? Maybe it was just me he couldn't get it up for? That didn't work and he continued to say what a failure he is in the bedroom. These post mortems are such a turn off for the next time. Knowing this kind of thing will happen. He'll be mad and unsatisfied. And I'll have to spend an hour yanking on him with no success. Its exhausting. We ended up going back to the living room. Back on his phone he went. A few minutes later he managed to find the way to redirect blame. He viewed a video I made about him calling me a fucking bitch (when I said threatening to kill me is abuse). I had made a couple since that had nothing to do with him but thats the only one he cared about. He also never cares about the content - only about others seeing it. Like view it and say "gosh I'm so sorry I did that...my goal is to make it so you don't have things like this to post". Nah. Just worried it makes him look bad. Though I have never actually named him or said its my husband. So he says "well that will make it even harder for me next time". I ignored it. A few more similar under his breath mumbling complaints which I also ignored. Successfully evading any argument he was trying to initiate. An unusual result but good. I did tell him We went to bed and he said well maybe he'd come in my room in the morning. I said well I'll be there. Letting all the inflammatory behavior slide. Probably why it happens - me enabling. To avoid chaos. So this morning he doesn't come in my room. No surprise. I don't care either way. We ran some errands in town. All was ok. He had said he forwarded an email to mine on an engine as he wanted me to follow up with the guy. I hadn't gotten it so i asked him to forward it again to my yahoo mail. He texted just the guys email address. I told him all he did was text me and I thought he was going to forward the email so i had the details they'd discussed so far. He still didn't want to - said there was a few back and forth and how could he send all. Then wanted me to just email blind and tell the guy he's my husband or friend or 'whatever'. So yeah I'm somewhat exasperated. And why say it like that? So I replied "if youre worried it somehow gives access to your email it doesn't. Why would I want to go through all the info again?" His answer "That's nothing to do with it I'm not the one with all the opposite sex private accounts followers. Only reason for that is they know you in order to follow you". We then had an verbal conversation. He came out to as he was emailing and started typing. Then says "when I start typing in your email it comes up with all these other accounts and guys accounts its pulling up. Like tony (etc) ..do you know these men?". I answer "what - how would I know them its your email". He's like "they're coming up under yours". Ok yeah I'm getting a little edgy now by this craziness. I say " so you're in our yahoo account?". He replies "no, I'm in my gmail". (he had some tone here and I don't have access to his gmail). I answer " well that has nothing to do with my account - that's coming from YOUR account. Its filling in from your account. Your address bar has nothing to do with my account! Do YOU know any of those men?!" I chuckled very lightly and was a little snooty but really?! Then he says "well if it was women I'm sure I'd know them". Uncalled for bullshit as usual. I didn't say anything to that. What's the point?. A few minutes later he starts in on the follower thing again saying I have a "bunch of men" that follow me - because I have like 7 men who follow me on Instagram. That I don't follow back! Its a public account. I'm like "oh yeah because 7 men is a bunch (sarcasm) that I don't even follow back". His answer "you know everything I've read says a person who gets really defensive when you say they're cheating is cheating". Ugh. I didn't get mad but I did have enough. I told him " I'm not defending cheating we're talking about followers. And lets get this straight - I have not cheated. I have never had another dick in my vagina. Never had another tongue in my mouth. You have stuck your dick in someone's vagina and had your tongue on it right here in your room. We are not the same. I’m tired of you thinking I need to prove myself when you’ve cheated over and over. I don’t know why you’re seeing a therapist it’s a waste of money. Things are worse not better". He said something about therapy is for him but I told him I also thought it was to improve his actions and that’s not happening.And I walked away. I texted him at one point - not sure if it was before or after but told him to look at our daughters followers and say the same thing. Everyone has more that follow them than they follow. Also all of this is basic internet 101 not rocket science. I'm always amazed at someone who can single mindedly go through every aspect of how to hide cheating, track down porn, and find every dating site and not know simple concepts. He did a background check on my phone number thinking he'd find some stupid secret bullshit but when he got a call on HIS cell he asked me who it was! I was like type it in the search fkn bar. So anyways any peace I thought could be achieved was a fools errand. Me being the fool. And the idiocy of it is pure gold.