Creepers

 Today is thanksgiving Thursday. It’s tougher this time of year. He’s been back to teen porn- when we have a teen daughter. This offends me. The reasons are obvious to anyone but him. Tuesday we were in the living room. A mutual friend messaged me about visiting so we could see their baby. I was messaging back when he walked over and made a point of looking at my phone and saying “huh” in that tone. I showed him my phone and informed him of what I was doing. Then he said “I’m not mad about it no reason for you to get excited”. I replied that I was not excited and to not turn around what he instigated and say I was the issue. And that he’s gaslighting and that no longer works. Then I walked away. But it’s these constant accusatory digs - from the cheater. It’s exhausting. Last night we were alone together and it was…okay. I felt loneliness creep on me. He was ‘courting’ me..for sex really. And part of me wanted to want him. But he’s been on porn a lot- and the teen stuff. And I also know he was on a dating app called tagged yet again. Checking his messages. I couldn’t muster up to the idea of sex without asking about these so while I didn’t reject him I didn’t really respond to his advances either. And I while I needed to ask the question I didn’t want to risk arguing or rage so I kept quiet. Surprisingly he accepted that and we went to bed separately. I spent hours in bed with self doubt, wishes and thoughts. Today was the same. We got along all day. Again the loneliness..the lack of physical- or any- connection. Again he was giving me gentle physical attention. I wanted to want sex with him. But I needed to clear my head of the tagged question. So with calm and a low even tone devoid of accusation I asked if he had been on anything online that he shouldn’t. At first he replied not really. I stayed quiet. After 15 seconds he added that he had been on tagged. Then he justified it by saying he only went on to see if I was on there. I’ve never been on there by the way. Anyways I took a breath in my head. A few seconds. Then I told him thank you. That I appreciated his honesty. And accepted his answer with that. He then asked if I had been on it or any sites. I said no..that I don’t do that. He said “ well I think you chat a lot. I think you have conversations. I think you have options”. Yeesh.  I responded with “ I have never cheated but why is it the cheater - you- is always accusing me”. In the course of this he told me I’ve talked to others - I said I’ve told you about that ( it was a fellow narcissist victim not a connection) and he said yeah that guy on Facebook. “No. That’s not true. I’ve never talked to any man on fb” . He rewrote the story in his head about one comment from a school mate from grade school that is of no interest to me. He then proceeded to tell me that he thinks that if I was out with friends and got drunk I would do “some guy”. And that I’m vengeful. Also claiming he friended a strange chick on ig and liked every one of her posts to help her confidence. I told him not to play that as we both know that’s not true. I also told him I asked a question and accepted his answer while he accused me and insulted me basically calling me a vengeful hoe. When I said I’d never cheated he said he didn’t know that. Ugh. I’ve never even spent a night or afternoon away from home other than afternoons when I worked. And I said why am I defending myself when you’ve cheated and even had one in our home? Which of course he replied “oh god here we go”. This really went in that same circle awhile. Then he said he was just trying to tell me his feelings. I responded that insulting me and accusing me are not feelings. I did tell him that if he had just got drunk and cheated we wouldn’t be where we were. But that he didn’t make a mistake he made a pattern. And he didn’t need to be drunk. He said how do you know? Jesus. I said because I know you weren’t drunk every day when you were texting and seeing a woman for months. He then went on to say “not that I could blame you if you did. You’d have every right to. I know I’m to blame for us”. I took pause. Then told him that’s where we differ. I don’t have that right to cheat. No matter what he’s done. That no one deserves that. Not even him. And without the empathy to understand that he couldn’t see what he’d done to me or us. That he’s just validating that behavior which is not us. He also went on a bit about me being on my phone.I watched a 2 hour movie while he was on his and I wasn’t. But he never sees that. Or says ‘you know I’m looking at trucks for sale’. And tagged I said. Shake my head. I did tell him that I had wanted to want sex. But that I was blocked by needing to ask him if he’d done anything inappropriate. That I asked and didn’t accuse. And said thank you and accepted his honesty. And that when he asked me I answers his question. And why didn’t I deserve the same courtesy? Instead of accepting my answer he argued, accused, invalidated my answer then insulted me. That left us in stalemate. He apologized. Neither of us got angry. So hello loneliness I’m here. It’s not creeping. It’s just here.