Its Not Hard

 Todays post is more about observations of an experience. Keeping mindful to the undertones of what happens. Yesterday my husband took the day off because he was angry about the equipment he had to run at work. He's still mad about the dresser and previous days. I had to go into town and get gas and propane. I did only those things and he was already texting 'what taking you so long'. Who knows what goes on in his thought process. He has shared a post on facebook about being the man - that sets a good example for his sons and is the kind of man his daughter should find. I mean I admit this hit me wrong. I mean really? You don't defend me like the post said - you're the one I need defended from. I made a comment then realized it was on his page so I deleted it. Then I went to the original post and merely said the post forgot to include honesty and faithfulness within its insult to todays generation. He got a notification but couldn't find the comment so he got irate. Irate that I posted on the original post and not his and that he couldn't find it. After hounding me I finally told him what I commented. That got me called a bitch, drama queen etc. I said very little other than did he really want our daughter with a man who cheated on her over and over? I then went to my room. A few minutes later he barged in the door. It was locked but hadn't latched because its broken from him breaking it before. He immediately asked, "how many men do you message on Instagram? You sure have a lot of men with private profiles that follow you". Well for one...I don't follow them back. I don't even notice them...their posts don't show for me because I DON"T follow them! I didn't point that out because you can't logic with him. Also a 'lot' of men is apparently maybe 8 people. No - I don't message any men on IG and I said so. Then I immediately offer up my phone with instagram open and say here ya go - and hand it to him. He takes it and stands there going through my phone. I don't watch, supervise or show interest. I actually worked on a crossword puzzle book. After 15 minutes I finally say surely you've had enough time to go through my instagram messages. Yeah he says but continues to look at my phone. Then I hear tiktok. He watches two. One was about how sometimes I think about some of the women he cheated with. The ones that had short hair anyways. When I don't have short hair. And another about how he still hides his phone and keeps secrets - including the calculator app on his phone thats to hide texts and photos. He then threw my phone at me hitting me in the hip, said fuck you, and walked out. He tells me I'm being dramatic...but the only one reacting with anger is him. The observation is...all he is concerned with still is himself. He pretends to want to work it out but what he really wants is it to work for HIM. I did tell him he did those things. And he shouldn't have if he didn't want them shared. But its funny - it tells me a lot. Instead of saying..."i feel so bad that i've made you feel that way and I'll keep working hard to change that". He called me a bitch. Instead of offering up his phone - he called me a bitch. The very few times he has let me look at his phone he supervises and controls what I'm doing. He's worried I can find "it". whatever the numerous its are. Instead of working on being so squeaky clean it doesn't matter..he calls me a bitch. And he continuously seems to think I'm supposed to earn HIS trust when he's the liar and cheater in this marriage. So his work...is nothing. I've specifically told him his phone needs to be transparent. But he refuse unless MINE is - even though I didnt cheat! And even when I make it transparent he still doesn't. anyways staying aware used to be a battle. Not so hard any more. Just like his dick.