Remission

Wow...its been over a month since my last blog. Thats not indicative of marital stability but rather a testament of my emotional stability.  As far as I know my husband is not compulsively obsessing over porn..or he could just be very circumspect about his useage. I cant state absolutely as my own concern with his actions has dissipated considerably. I no longer "check". There have been several occasions when he was  inordinately vicious to me...and acknowledged and apologized for it. There have been incidents where Ive seen him double check out a woman while with me. Only once did I mention it - only in a format of letting him know I saw it rather than with any rancor.  He has been much "better". At times I glimpse that he seems to think if he can "behave" or be the person he should have been all along that things (me) will just recover right back to what they used to be. I admit to culpability in this viewpoint of his. After our initial fallouts from porn I was able to revert right back into a loving supportive wife who could be hurt and cry. After he displayed disloyalty with the neighbor I did again. After more porn. Calling escorts..etc.. Every time I forgave and moved on - with him. Always going back to love and mostly trust with caveats . And every time it started again. There isn't really a straw that broke the camels back...but a final compilation culminating in his visit to the arcade and all the lying that accompanied it. I just dont have it in me to emote. On occasion I am aggressive in my defense or my daughters. My tolerance of unwarranted verbal attacks is at zero. But I dont actually get upset. Im pretty sure he doesn't love me any more - at least he doesnt show it. I get sol lonely. My husband thinks he can cure "us" but it is really about regaining control of me and hurting me and can never be the same. Its not a cure...its remission. The cancer is still there.