Counting Stars

I take it back - any impression I gave that my husbands improved was false. It is I after all that has tried to change for less trauma. Last night he got home from work and walked in the door cussing under his breath. Didn't say Hi just went directly into a diatribe directed at me about money and how he makes it and doesn't know where it all goes. I didn't comment. ..when he comes home in this mood (often) the animosity in the air is palpable and abuse just one false step away so fear keeps me quiet. So I let it ride and a few minutes later told him I had his dinner ready already.  He said good and left the room. I took this opportunity to retreat to the basement to play some games with the kids. After a 20 minute cushion I went back up. He was sitting smoking a cigarette.  I asked an empathetic question about his day at work. He answered irritably and short - not necessarily directed at me but certainly not inviting further conversation. He was quite friendly and pleasant to the kids so he had it in him to be nice..just not to me. He was pretty much quiet and morose so I left him alone since my approach had already been met with testiness. Interesting side tidbit is he asked if I had cigarettes. I told him no...I typically avoid buying as its helped me cut back..and I don't care if I'm out as I am close to quitting. His system is usually to smoke whatever I have left and leave me a partial pack while he either has a pack in his car or buys some in the morning. When I said I didn't have any I was internally interested that he didn't ask me to get his out of the car. It an expectation that I serve him usually - and I do to avoid abuse Nor did he bitch about not having any...so I checked and he did have a pack in the car - he just didn't want to share. And it pisses him off that I don't buy any so this was "punishment". He knows me so little he thinks being without would bother me? Its the peek into his small mindedness that's interesting! I should add that in my younger years I smoked. My husband did not. I quit when I decided to have my son who is 15 1/2 now. I didn't smoke again until just under 2 yrs ago when I took to the occasional smoke due to stress. So I'm not obsessed with smoking. My husband smokes pot - heavily. He also started smoking cigs with me - now heavily. Much more than me. He's also been harassing me to smoke pot lately which really annoys me...he'll ask if I want to and when I say no he'll say I think I'm too good or tell me I'm a righteous bitch...or he'll harass me trying to pressure me to. I used to...and will once in a great while but I've no desire to be a pothead! Anyways later he went to bed and I stayed up folding laundry. I also watched "gigilos" on Showtime.  Which got it interesting real fast! About 6 minutes into the show my husband abruptly opens the bedroom door. He proceeds to have a fit "I see you get to watch porn and I dont. Thats a fucking double standard"...& he was pissed as he stomped off and shut the door. I waited a minute then opened it and said..."you know I'VE never stayed up night after night for 7 hours looking at porn and have never made a list of hookers I hid in my boots. I'm not an addict". He said I get to do whatever I want while he cant (interpret he wants porn!). He then told me to shut the fuck up and he needed to get to fucking sleep. I obliged immediately and shut the door. Another aspect of the new me who makes her own choices regarding nonproductive interaction with an addict. And he is a twit on many levels. Gigilos is a 30 minute show. Ten minutes is commercials. 3-4 minutes is soft porn...just conventional banging with butt and tit shots. And my husband views my watching it from his own vantage point and its indicative of both his own mind and lack of knowledge of mine. I actually fast forward through all three minutes of "porn". Its boring stuff and not titillating.  I dont watch it because its a turn on...I do like the reality characters. And if my husband were to say "I know you dont have my struggles but it would help if you wouldnt watch that show"...well I wouldnt watch it. Its not essential or even important.  But instead he gets all righteous to find a grievance that will validate his right to porn...to do what he wants. Certainly he does have that right...just as I have the right to not tolerate it. He's always making rude jokes about me doing it with someone...like the furnace repair guy or making "jokes" about me having a boyfriend - or girlfriend. I find them insulting and have told him so...they are really just glimpses into HIS mind aren't they?! And how did I miss that this guy has an addictive personality and the depth and willpower of an earthworm? Cigarettes, pot, porn, the f word..at least he doesnt drink lmao!! So Im left counting the negatives like the stars.