It could be that my husband is not looking at porn as much. Doubtful. I suspect he just hides it as hes always done...he gets better at it as time goes by. But then again I dont look either. I haven't checked his phone in months...or anything else. Doesn't bother me and rarely even give it occupied space in my head. Worrying about it was a CHOICE. I make better choices. That is a gift to myself. But the actions of others are not a choice...a frustrating reality. My husband has not changed and there are always reminders present for me to recognize.
We went to our sons baseball tournament in Omaha this past weekend. Despite what I blog I did enjoy myself, my husband at times, and had fun but those details are not pertinent to this blogs objective. If my trip was based only on us I would have used misery as my descriptive word. He berated me over 10 times over the smallest stupidest things. I tried to get his attention at a dinner...said his name, tapped his shoulder, touched his head lightly and I though affectionately. He berated me over 5 minutes for touching his hair. Called me a "fuckin bitch". Told me he'd remember that and I'd regret it in a threatening tone etc etc. I said sorry but I don't think he heard over the cacophony of his own ire. He berated me at a game because I didn't have my sons trading pins in my pocket...why would I ? Twenty minutes later he started in again until I finally told him ENOUGH & that I didnt want to hear another word. I gave him my cash to get water and he didnt. Then 10 minutes later he tells me to and when I say he has all my money he starts arguing about it...until he finds the money in his pocket. No "sorry" followed that. He was giving me shit about a good looking man in a store...I gave him some back for several women hed struck up conversations with (as always) and he came unglued. ..calling me a fuckin bitch again. I later heard my son joking about this...acknowledging that his dad always strikes up conversation with any pretty woman anywhere close ignoring me. We both missed a street we needed to turn on but he ragged on me for a full minute for that. He stomped out of the room one night...I cant even remember what that one was about. I waited an hour for him to get out of the bathroom one morning. ..we can all guess what that was about! Then he yelled at my daughter to hurry the hell up. She was only in there a few minutes. I checked him on that so he got furious and said he didnt give a fuck. He interrupted me almost every time I started talking to another parent...I didnt like it but walked away rather than look stupid competing to talk. He gave me a shove at a gas station knocking me into my son because I didnt notice the people paying in front of me were done..like 15 seconds done. He bullied me the whole trip peppered with abusive behaviors.
Who does all that shit? I cant even fathom why someone would want to. However Im sure Ted Bundy didnt think he was insane right?!
Then we get home and I believe he's truly baffled by my standoffishness. Once I mentioned that he bullied me during the trip and he looked at me like I was nuts. It was ignorant.
I also had an enlightened conversation with my sons. They are fully aware of his defects - from his unreasonableness, to seeking interaction with women, to spending money, to smoking weed...constantly. It is comforting that they dont judge me because they are intelligently aware. They love him and think hes fun. But they dont think hes right or condone how he treats me in real life issues.
Anyways his behavior is the gift I cant exchange and have to choice in changing.
And if youre with this kind of person (man just didnt seem appropriate) then you can count on the gift of thoughtless self absorption. I do lol.
We went to our sons baseball tournament in Omaha this past weekend. Despite what I blog I did enjoy myself, my husband at times, and had fun but those details are not pertinent to this blogs objective. If my trip was based only on us I would have used misery as my descriptive word. He berated me over 10 times over the smallest stupidest things. I tried to get his attention at a dinner...said his name, tapped his shoulder, touched his head lightly and I though affectionately. He berated me over 5 minutes for touching his hair. Called me a "fuckin bitch". Told me he'd remember that and I'd regret it in a threatening tone etc etc. I said sorry but I don't think he heard over the cacophony of his own ire. He berated me at a game because I didn't have my sons trading pins in my pocket...why would I ? Twenty minutes later he started in again until I finally told him ENOUGH & that I didnt want to hear another word. I gave him my cash to get water and he didnt. Then 10 minutes later he tells me to and when I say he has all my money he starts arguing about it...until he finds the money in his pocket. No "sorry" followed that. He was giving me shit about a good looking man in a store...I gave him some back for several women hed struck up conversations with (as always) and he came unglued. ..calling me a fuckin bitch again. I later heard my son joking about this...acknowledging that his dad always strikes up conversation with any pretty woman anywhere close ignoring me. We both missed a street we needed to turn on but he ragged on me for a full minute for that. He stomped out of the room one night...I cant even remember what that one was about. I waited an hour for him to get out of the bathroom one morning. ..we can all guess what that was about! Then he yelled at my daughter to hurry the hell up. She was only in there a few minutes. I checked him on that so he got furious and said he didnt give a fuck. He interrupted me almost every time I started talking to another parent...I didnt like it but walked away rather than look stupid competing to talk. He gave me a shove at a gas station knocking me into my son because I didnt notice the people paying in front of me were done..like 15 seconds done. He bullied me the whole trip peppered with abusive behaviors.
Who does all that shit? I cant even fathom why someone would want to. However Im sure Ted Bundy didnt think he was insane right?!
Then we get home and I believe he's truly baffled by my standoffishness. Once I mentioned that he bullied me during the trip and he looked at me like I was nuts. It was ignorant.
I also had an enlightened conversation with my sons. They are fully aware of his defects - from his unreasonableness, to seeking interaction with women, to spending money, to smoking weed...constantly. It is comforting that they dont judge me because they are intelligently aware. They love him and think hes fun. But they dont think hes right or condone how he treats me in real life issues.
Anyways his behavior is the gift I cant exchange and have to choice in changing.
And if youre with this kind of person (man just didnt seem appropriate) then you can count on the gift of thoughtless self absorption. I do lol.
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